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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm too old for another baby

113 replies

TidesOfLife · 16/09/2022 23:18

So this won't sound old to many but I'm 35 and if I was to have another baby in the next few years, I would be of 'advanced maternal age'. I have a nearly 4 year old and a 1 year old. If I was younger, I would have considered another baby but when I look at all the extra risks and complications of advanced maternal age, would I really want to go through that and possibly jeopardise what I already have. Plus, the higher chances of miscarriage.

Obviously lots of women have their babies in their late 30s and 40s with no problems but the higher risks are still there. Does this worry other people? I sometimes feel surprised that some women have babies later through choice, not because of fertility/health issues, meeting someone, financial reasons, etc. One of my friends is 38 and is pregnant with her first. She seems so relaxed about everything aged related she's been told.

Actively choosing to wait until late 30s to start a family seems to be more and more common but are women actually aware of the difficulties and potential complications this can bring I wonder?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2022 23:26

You wouldn't be too old, but I think the primary concern should be what is best for your existing children, especially in regards to finances. Can you afford it? Squeaking by is not something I would choose to do. Personally, I think it's irresponsible. I would want to provide my existing children with the best life possible.

Luredbyapomegranate · 16/09/2022 23:28

I think you are misinterpreting the risks as higher than they are, especially under 40.

Like the PP I think the key question is can you afford it financially and in terms of time.

mynameiscalypso · 16/09/2022 23:31

Don't confuse 'higher' risk with 'high' risk. A 35 year old may have double the risk of a 25 year old for something but if that risk is very very low in the first place, it's still very low when it's doubled.

kirinm · 16/09/2022 23:31

Do you know what you're talking about?

Marvellousmadness · 16/09/2022 23:32

The thought of having a baby with downsyndyrom or other complications that come with being an older mum would make me opt out. You already have 2 healthy kids. Why jeopardise that.

sandybitch · 16/09/2022 23:33

I'm not sure I'm aware of that many risks tbh. Obviously miscarriage is more likely, as well as fetal abnormalities. Perhaps an increased risk of needing a c section. What else is there ? I think as long as you can get pregnant, it's usually all good. Bad stuff can happen even when you're younger.

I really wanted to have kids, so I didn't risk being late 30s, but more because of conception problems at that age. However I was lucky that I had a partner etc etc. if I hadn't, I still would have tried to have a kid, late 30s and early 40s even.

I had mine at 34 and 36. So maybe that's 'late' for you. I had no issues with my babies and pregnancies. I did opt for a c section out of choice though. But that's just because I always wanted it like that.

MarmiteCoriander · 16/09/2022 23:34

Are you a journalist looking for our next story OP?

Icecreamandapplepie · 16/09/2022 23:39

NOT THIS AGAIN

35 is ancient, far too old, stick to two 🙄

SarahAndQuack · 16/09/2022 23:40

No, other people never worry - we're all just much more dim than you, OP, so we live our lives in a kind of blurred confusion. What idiots we are.

HTH.

FirewomanSam · 16/09/2022 23:42

MarmiteCoriander · 16/09/2022 23:34

Are you a journalist looking for our next story OP?

Mmhmm OP your tone does come across very much like a research question, and it’s not really clear what you want people to say. Are women aware? Err yes, I’d say so, with the eleventy billion articles and forum posts pushing the ‘35 is a fertility cliff-edge’ on us every single day.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 16/09/2022 23:42

You wouldn't be too old but the extra responsibilities of a third child are huge.

Original poster
TidesOfLife · 16/09/2022 23:51

I didn't mean it to sound like a research question at all. I suppose I've thought about whether I could or would want another baby in say 3 years time and started looking into the stats on various things on age which worried me. It then just got me thinking that some people choose to wait later to have children which does bring some potential risks, be it, conceiving in the first place, miscarriage, high blood pressure, increased chance of having a c section, Downs Syndrome, etc.

Even between having my son at 31 and daughter at 34, my ratio of the baby having Downs Syndrome went from 1 in 10000 for ds and 1 in 1200 for dd. My midwife said that my age second time round would have been a factor in the figure.

OP posts:
NicLondon1 · 17/09/2022 00:02

My personal experience is getting pregnant aged 35 was really easy and quick, trying again at 38 took over 2 years to happen... So I'd try in the next couple of years if you can.

I wasn't too worried about Downs as have worked with a wonderful actor who has it; he was super talented and lovely and also trains in paralympic swimming. It's not quite as scary as the media make it out to be..! Watch Sally Philips documentary on Downs if that's your concern. In any case, you can test for it early on, it is still rare...

NicLondon1 · 17/09/2022 00:03

0.1%

Somethingsnappy · 17/09/2022 00:07

SarahAndQuack · 16/09/2022 23:40

No, other people never worry - we're all just much more dim than you, OP, so we live our lives in a kind of blurred confusion. What idiots we are.

HTH.

This is a somewhat blunt post, but I must admit this kind of reply popped into my head too.

5zeds · 17/09/2022 00:07

1 in 1200 seems a tiny number to me.

Smineusername · 17/09/2022 00:13

I think you're right that at 35 I would not plan to wait another 3 years to conceive if you want another. It can be done at that age but I wouldn't plan it that way. I'd still want the 3rd child but I'd get going on it soon (my first was born when I was 35 and had the second just shy of two years later. If I was to squeeze in a third it would be ASAP)

SarahAndQuack · 17/09/2022 00:15

Somethingsnappy · 17/09/2022 00:07

This is a somewhat blunt post, but I must admit this kind of reply popped into my head too.

Show quote history

I stand reprimanded. It was my knee-jerk response.

OP, of course everyone else worries, yes. God knows I do. I'm 38 with a history of miscarriage and I'm frankly terrified. But, like most people, I don't go around saying this to other people I don't know well. I have dear friends who've suffered stillbirths, late-term miscarriages and neonatal deaths; I know people who have had to make horrific decisions about terminations, having discovered their much-wanted babies would not survive, or would likely suffer (Edwards' syndrome). I know a lot of these people, like me, don't talk much about their attempts at TTC. Obviously, pretty much all women who're even vaguely alive know about these risks, so I'm finding it very hard to take you seriously when you wonder whether other women worry. I suspect what is happening is that people don't share intimate and sensitive details of their lives with you, unless they know you well.

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 17/09/2022 00:15

I had my DD at 32 and the pregnancy was fine but when I had my son at 35, my screening tests came back as 1 in 30 of DS, VERY VERY stressful time, opted to have further testing and he didn't have DS. Also when I was 6 months pregnant, they found a mass near his kidneys so I had more tests and again fortunately he was fine. I gave birth to a healthy baby this year and will always be thankful. We have considered a 3rd in the future, maybe I'm a couple of years but I am wary now due to my last pregnancy

SpicePearl · 17/09/2022 00:17

ODFOD.

WhatLikeItsHard · 17/09/2022 00:22

Actively choosing to wait until late 30s to start a family seems to be more and more common but are women actually aware of the difficulties and potential complications this can bring I wonder?

Having a baby at any age can bring difficulties and potential complications.

I know lots of women who have had babies later in life, and have happy healthy children. My own parents were in their 40s when they had me, as were a fair few of my friends parents. Having children in your late 30s and early 40s is not a new thing. My mother, grandmother, great grandmother and great great grandmother all had a baby after 40, with no complications.

Personally, I only know two people who have children with additional needs, and they were both in their early 20s when they gave birth. Having children younger doesn't guarantee that you won't have complications.

MsPincher · 17/09/2022 00:23

I had my first at 39. Thé risk of some things are higher but still extremely small overall. As my dr told me the default is their fine - that’s by far the most usual outcome.

Original poster
TidesOfLife · 17/09/2022 00:27

SarahAndQuack · 17/09/2022 00:15

I stand reprimanded. It was my knee-jerk response.

OP, of course everyone else worries, yes. God knows I do. I'm 38 with a history of miscarriage and I'm frankly terrified. But, like most people, I don't go around saying this to other people I don't know well. I have dear friends who've suffered stillbirths, late-term miscarriages and neonatal deaths; I know people who have had to make horrific decisions about terminations, having discovered their much-wanted babies would not survive, or would likely suffer (Edwards' syndrome). I know a lot of these people, like me, don't talk much about their attempts at TTC. Obviously, pretty much all women who're even vaguely alive know about these risks, so I'm finding it very hard to take you seriously when you wonder whether other women worry. I suspect what is happening is that people don't share intimate and sensitive details of their lives with you, unless they know you well.

Show quote history

@SarahAndQuack I think the problem is that maybe lots of people 'seem' relaxed in pregnancy to me but I think that's because I do actually have a diagnosed anxiety disorder. I was highly anxious about everything and anything going wrong in my pregnancies and some things did go wrong. So for me, I'm extremely cautious and it's not just weighing up my age but also, my anxiety around age. I don't doubt that other people worry but maybe I would worry more than most because it's my anxiety. Maybe I am a bit more open about pregnancy worries and issues too and no, not everyone will be.

OP posts:
WhatLikeItsHard · 17/09/2022 00:28

Also i think your statistics for the chances of having a baby with DS are wrong. Even a 20 year old woman has a chance of 1 in 1,200. 30 is 1 in 800. Which is still tiny really.

Psychogeography · 17/09/2022 00:30

SarahAndQuack · 16/09/2022 23:40

No, other people never worry - we're all just much more dim than you, OP, so we live our lives in a kind of blurred confusion. What idiots we are.

HTH.

Yup, I’m another total dimwit who had my only child by choice at 39.