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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm too old for another baby

113 replies

TidesOfLife · 16/09/2022 23:18

So this won't sound old to many but I'm 35 and if I was to have another baby in the next few years, I would be of 'advanced maternal age'. I have a nearly 4 year old and a 1 year old. If I was younger, I would have considered another baby but when I look at all the extra risks and complications of advanced maternal age, would I really want to go through that and possibly jeopardise what I already have. Plus, the higher chances of miscarriage.

Obviously lots of women have their babies in their late 30s and 40s with no problems but the higher risks are still there. Does this worry other people? I sometimes feel surprised that some women have babies later through choice, not because of fertility/health issues, meeting someone, financial reasons, etc. One of my friends is 38 and is pregnant with her first. She seems so relaxed about everything aged related she's been told.

Actively choosing to wait until late 30s to start a family seems to be more and more common but are women actually aware of the difficulties and potential complications this can bring I wonder?

OP posts:
Zonder · 17/09/2022 10:53

@TidesOfLife from your post at 8.54 I can't see any reason why you would have a third. It seems like all you can see are the reasons not, one of which is within your control totally (not trying for a baby for a few years).

BlueyandDingo · 17/09/2022 10:53

@Wouldloveanother exactly what I was thinking.

KosherDill · 17/09/2022 10:54

Aquamarine1029 · 16/09/2022 23:26

You wouldn't be too old, but I think the primary concern should be what is best for your existing children, especially in regards to finances. Can you afford it? Squeaking by is not something I would choose to do. Personally, I think it's irresponsible. I would want to provide my existing children with the best life possible.

This.

Not to mention climate change and the global environment.

YennefersDress · 17/09/2022 11:00

It would be too old for me but that's because I had my children, by choice, at 24 and 26. Worked brilliantly for me, but others feel differently which is fine. For me, it's the fact that I'd be a lot older than when I had my kids so I'd find it physically harder, given I do have a comparison of having them younger especially. They're nearly 10 and 8, I wouldn't want to go back to the baby stage now either.

Dontcareforthehaters · 17/09/2022 11:12

Gameofmoans81 · 17/09/2022 07:35

Thanks OP, I had my first at 37 now I’m trying again at 41 and you’ve scared the hell out of me! Maybe I should stop trying…

I had my first at 41. He is truly perfect. Don't let this thread scare you.

Somethingsnappy · 17/09/2022 11:26

Dontcareforthehaters · 17/09/2022 11:12

I had my first at 41. He is truly perfect. Don't let this thread scare you.

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Absolutely! As with many other examples, higher risk is not the same as high risk. I also has my first at 37, second at 39, third at 42, and fourth (unplanned!) baby at 44. My last pregnancy was by far my easiest. I was more comfortable, very active right up until the last month, gained less weight than the others, and had a good birth. Baby is now nearly 2 and healthy and bright. Hope my little bit of anecdata helps!

Somethingsnappy · 17/09/2022 11:30

@SarahAndQuack. I wasn't reprimanding you. 😝Your post just articulated my initial reaction too, and the idea of people walking around in a 'blurred confusion' made me laugh.

AliceMcK · 17/09/2022 11:56

Your biggest concern is that your looking at statistics in the first place. If you want another baby have have one, if not don’t. Had my first at 36, second at 38 and third at 42.

ShirleyPhallus · 17/09/2022 11:57

Wouldloveanother · 17/09/2022 10:45

Not everyone is that fussed about careers/travelling, by 24 you’re either a few years post university and hopefully in some kind of steady job, or 6 years post school and the same. My friends in their early 30s who don’t have kids, haven’t really extensively travelled or anything. They’re got good jobs but nothing spectacular or hugely demanding.

I don’t think it’s as simple as older mum = well travelled, minted and in a fabulous career whereas younger mum = minimum wage job and hardly ever left the country.

My brother in law’s parents had him at 20, he had left home by the time they were 39 and they then spent several years travelling and living around Asia. They had a fab time and are back now, and have recently started a new business in their early 50s.

Show quote history

No I agree with you that it isn’t that simplistic, but i was responding to the poster before on a different point

Notplayingball · 17/09/2022 13:09

x2boys · 17/09/2022 09:16

What if you were not in. a position to have a child before you were say 35?
These things are subjective, I imagine if someone has children in their early / mid 20,s and feel they are done they would probably feel 35 was so late but if someone is 35 and is now only in a position to have children it's really not that late.

Show quote history

Fair point taken. I was fortunate to have met DH when I did. I also have children with additional needs so it's not that age means that you escape children with disabilities either. Luck of the draw.

Notplayingball · 17/09/2022 13:17

ShirleyPhallus · 17/09/2022 10:40

It’s a trade off though isn’t it, because by having children at that age you miss out on a lot of opportunities for career, travel etc

Show quote history

I am not interested in travelling or having a high flying career. Just as well as it happens since one of the DC going through assessments for autism just now. Might never return to a former career I had years ago. Oh the curve balls life throws at us 🤷

LAWinterofOurDiscountTents · 17/09/2022 13:51

VroomVrooom · 17/09/2022 00:58

Unless you’re completely dim and / or un-educated, you will worry. Of course you will. This isn’t unique to you, OP.

But most people don’t let the worry put them off.

However, it’s usually because it’s a first or second child.

If you’re that worried, maybe just call it quits at 2? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm pretty intelligent and I'm extensively educated, and I didn't worry any more about having a baby at 38 than I did at 28. Because I understood the risks extremely well and understood that there wasn't really anything for me to worry about.

I would say that knowing less would probably make you worry more, actually.

Scrappydoo668 · 17/09/2022 14:17

TidesOfLife · 17/09/2022 08:54

I really didn't mean to scaremonger at all. That was not my intention and I'm sorry if my post read that way.

So I'm not coming from this in a 'typical' mindset. As I said, I've got anxiety and have has it for nearly 20 years. Specifically, it's health anxiety. I pushed myself through two pregnancies with immense fear of the whole process as I wanted children. I'm now in a place where yes, I'm wondering about a third but the following is running through my mind...

  • My age in the next few years. I wouldn't want to try now. I am really worried about age related things. Because in my mind it all gets magnified.
  • The stress of ttc. First time took 2 months, second time 5 months. Obviously that's absolutely fine but to anxiety me, the second time was so stressful as I constantly worried about not conceiving.
  • I've had pnd twice. Strong chance it could happen again. I've only just finished for the second time with my perinatal support team and psychologist.
  • Dc1 was a traumatic birth. I had a 3 day back to back labour, forceps, torn artery and 3 litre blood loss, then a blood transfusion. For someone with health anxiety too, this gave ptsd. Although I still went on to have baby no.2.
  • DC2 was an easier birth in comparison but I was very ill during the pregnancy and had some worrying scans with her.
  • DC1 is awaiting assessment for adhd so I have to consider that.

I suppose I'm feeling sad that weighing everything up, my mental health, past experiences, age, my children, etc, we shouldn't have a third. Maybe it's that that I'm trying to come to terms with.

Gosh op that all sounds pretty tough. Why DO you want a third, out of interest? It doesn’t sound like it’d be easy with your anxiety / depression.

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