To think I'm too old for another baby

[TidesOfLife]

So this won't sound old to many but I'm 35 and if I was to have another baby in the next few years, I would be of 'advanced maternal age'. I have a nearly 4 year old and a 1 year old. If I was younger, I would have considered another baby but when I look at all the extra risks and complications of advanced maternal age, would I really want to go through that and possibly jeopardise what I already have. Plus, the higher chances of miscarriage.

Obviously lots of women have their babies in their late 30s and 40s with no problems but the higher risks are still there. Does this worry other people? I sometimes feel surprised that some women have babies later through choice, not because of fertility/health issues, meeting someone, financial reasons, etc. One of my friends is 38 and is pregnant with her first. She seems so relaxed about everything aged related she's been told.

Actively choosing to wait until late 30s to start a family seems to be more and more common but are women actually aware of the difficulties and potential complications this can bring I wonder?

I had DD at 28 and DS at 30. We talked at length about having another when I was 34/35 and we didn’t because I felt like I was too old. The thought of being 40 when they started school seemed horrendous to me. With hindsight I realise I was completely wrong and it is my only regret that we didn’t try. If you both want another child I’d say go for it but even with my regret if one of you doesn’t then leave it at two. I’d rather regret not having a child than regret having them.

I think as long as you're realistic about the risks, then go for it but do it soon. I'm not on contraception and I'm 5 years older than you. I have one child already. I'm not actively trying but not preventing it either. Just had a miscarriage and bluntly put, I know that at my age there's a high chance I won't carry to term even if I do conceive. Not too concerned about the risk of DS really. I'm ttc but I'm doing it with my eyes open and I know it's unlikely to work. You're only 35 though, so it will probably be OK. What would put me off in your shoes would be the cost of another baby, to be frank. I know a few 3 and 4 child families who are really struggling just to keep their heads above water at the moment. We earn good money and we would definitely struggle to afford 3 children.

Honestly? I asked my midwife about this when I had my daughter and she laughed and said if she had to refer every over 35, she wouldn't have anyone to see (only over 40s are consultant led, and I had her at 36). Pregnancy is inherently risky for both mother and child.

Kindly, I would be more concerned about your anxiety than the age,and ensure you have adequate support in place id you have another child.

I work in obstetric ultrasound. Most of your post is bullshit, highly inflammatory and l insulting. You actually are NOT classed as 'advanced maternal age' at 35. Your statistical information is wrong as well. Please don't spread dangerous nonsense information around the internet.

What is your general health like?

what do you weigh, how much exercise do you do every week?

Because that’s going to have a massive impact on pregnancy, risks, birth etc

Age isn’t the only thing that is a factor.

I had my last at 40, and was a healthy weight when I conceived and stayed pretty active while I was pregnant. I absolutely breezed through it

My sister in law was a decade younger than me but was very very overweight when she conceived
She had GD, blood pressure issues and had to be induced for poor growth, highly likely because of her weight

I was 37 when I had DC2 and 33 when I had DC1.
I wish I had had them both earlier, but if I had it would have been with a man I would soon be leaving!
I had no idea of the risks. My heart wants me to think it’s coincidental, but DC1 is thriving and DC2 has an EHCP, ADHD, ASD, and dyslexia. I can’t help but draw conclusions from the maternal age/DC quality of life correlation.
I have known many, many examples of the opposite, though. I work in education, and many children of older parents are grounded, measured, confident and empathic - lovely students of parents who just seem to have more time for them and less drama going on. More sweeping generalisations, I know. OP, what do you think you will do?

If you’re the ultrasound lady who scanned me 16 years ago, you’re an absolute cow. Your post is written with the vitriol to suggest you might be. Or are you all this disparaging? 😂

I had my 3rd at 36. My only regret is not having her sooner and having 2 more! That was old enough for me tbh. I want to be free before my 60s. Not that you ever really are, as my dad says "the first 40 years are the worst!" He has my db at 40 so when he turns 80 next year he might be free 🤣

But I had already had 2 uncomplicated pregnancies and births which helped make the decision, I did find my fertility was lower but it was still only 4-5 months rather than the first time I tried (aware of how very lucky we are). I was also much tired we in pregnancy but way more relaxed then and during the first year. I was worried about antenatal depression and PND affecting me worse as I'd had it before and tiredness exacerbated my particular symptoms so I chose to continue taking low dose antidepressants throughout pregnancy and breastfeeding.

That first year was seriously the best time of my life, I've never been happier. I genuinely felt whole. Helped by the fact I was not financially secure and in a supportive job, decent house and car and dh was home a lot earlier than with the first 2 as he was successful in his own business.

The only thing I would say though is my older 2 were 5 and 7 so the whole situation was easier due to then both being in school. I feel like id have coped with a toddler as well due to being so relaxed but obviously I can't be sure!

One final word, my youngest is now nearly 9 and I've just started Hrt. She definitely has not had the best of me over the last 4 years as I've gone into peri menopause so how it will be when they're older and you're in your 40s/50s is something to consider!

What a thoughtful post. And so true - I would have loved to have had a third but knew it could tip us over irrespective of what my age would have been.

I'm 35 and have 3 children, youngest is 1. We are considering a fourth and final baby when she is 2. We are taking the year to see how the cost of living impacts us and whether the decision would be the right one for our family.

If you're anxious you're likely to be anxious about most things which isn't going to help when it comes to making any decisions in life. I don't suffer with anxiety any more than the average person so I know what my risks are and will judge accordingly.

I think many people are aware that having babies in your 30s can take longer to conceive and their are risks however life doesn't always pan out for them to have them earlier. Would I actively have chosen to have my first baby at 35 having been with my husband for 8 years, no but if you only meet your partner at 35 then your options are different.

The question is do you want another child? If so and you are already concerned about age why would you wait 3 years? Get on and do it or don't.

I had mine at 24, 27, 32 and 34. I understand what you mean OP. There's no way I would have had mine any later.

@Taillighttoobright are you quite alright? What a stupid reaction. From someone working in education as well!

I suppose I've thought about whether I could or would want another baby in say 3 years time and started looking into the stats on various things on age which worried me.

As you don’t particularly want another baby and you already have 2 children, which is the average size of family, I don’t really know why you’re asking. These type of threads come up every few weeks from women who genuinely want a child, or another child but I’ve no idea of the purpose of this thread.

Your statistics are wrong. I had both my children after the age of 35. My Downs risks were very low and similar to women of a much younger age. I had 2 easy pregnancies and have 2 amazing children with no health problems of any kind. I am also a much more chilled parent as I seem to have been in a better place than many in my life to have children. But I come from a family where everyone seems to have had their children later (parents/grandparents - and yes I still had a great relationship with the latter as they lived until their 90's /100s). I think genetics is probably a far bigger factor. How was your parent's fertility later, are their family issues?

I had mine young - got married in my late teens, had my first DC at 20, second at 22 and third at 25. I always said that if me and exH were to have a 4th, I’d have wanted it to be before 30.
Not because I was thinking about the potential risks that can arise with pregnancies and births as the mother gets slightly older, but because I feel like going back to the newborn stage once the other 3 had got passed the baby/toddler carnage phase would be way more of a shock to the system! I’m glad I had them close together, in my 20’s. Got (most) of the baby/toddler stuff done all in one go. I’m also looking at it from a selfish perspective, that by having them when I did, they will be teenagers by the time I’m in my mid-30’s, which means I still have loads of time to do the things I want to do in life for myself.

Thanks OP, I had my first at 37 now I’m trying again at 41 and you’ve scared the hell out of me! Maybe I should stop trying…

It's not even just about the pregnancy late thirties/early forties though.... it's about the whole timeline as they get older for all their milestones as they grow. You just don't have the same amount of energy as you get older. I say that as my eldest is 16 next year and I will be 40! I feel ancient already.

@Gameofmoans81 if you have any concerns PLEASE speak to a midwife or your GP, rather than listen to any of the information the OP has posted here. It is highly inflammatory with a lot of incorrect information and stats.

And this is why it's so dangerous to spread misinformation on the internet!

I had my first baby at 35, second at 38. Both times I conceived within a couple of months of trying and had uncomplicated pregnancies and births. Both kids are healthy and happy. Most of my friends have waited until around this age and have had similar experiences. Just wanted to add that perspective for balance!

I had my first at 36 and second at 39 so I’d say go for it

That was such a bizarre post.

And you weren't vitriolic at all. You were justifiably annoyed at op's hyperbole, inaccuracy, scare mongering etc.

You have all the stats available to you, use those to make your decision rather than trying to gain opinion from the internet. If you suffer from anxiety the opinions of strangers or loads of opposing opinions will absolutely not help (and I say this as someone who suffered from anxiety).

FWIW I had my children at 35, 38 and am due my last at 40 and no I’m not worried. Relative risk increases yes but on the whole the overwhelming likelihood is a healthy pregnancy and baby. I chose to wait til 32 to TTC but it took longer than expected (and would have if I was younger too). I chose to wait because I wanted to.

At 40 I’m very fit and healthy which has a massive impact on your health during pregnancy. It’s not all down to age.

I had my first son at nearly 39 and my second at nearly 41. We left parenthood so late due to circumstances beyond our control.

I was offered amniocentesis for my youngest, but refused the test, due to the very small risk that it may harm the unborn child, and due to the fact that he would be loved and welcomed no matter what difficulties he may have had.

We did consider increased risk of complications to mother and to child, but in our case, these were risks we were prepared to take.

In terms of social factors, well, once I was mistaken for my youngest's grandmother, but I also found there were a lot more older parents (parents who had their children in their forties) than I had imagined.

Midwives don't consider thirty five particularly high risk. As referenced above, forty is when they are referred.

Mymidwide had two of.her four kids after forty, so if someone whose job it is to understand the risks didn't let it put her off, why should a layman?

Birth and a healthy baby is never guaranteed. Birth injuries can happen to anyone and cause disability. Genetic issues, learning disabilities, neuro. None of these are avoided by age and the risk for a few of them, although it goes up are still so small it shouldn't be a huge factor.

If you are unlucky enough to have one of the above you just deal with it as you love the child you have, not the one you want.