To think I'm too old for another baby

[TidesOfLife]

So this won't sound old to many but I'm 35 and if I was to have another baby in the next few years, I would be of 'advanced maternal age'. I have a nearly 4 year old and a 1 year old. If I was younger, I would have considered another baby but when I look at all the extra risks and complications of advanced maternal age, would I really want to go through that and possibly jeopardise what I already have. Plus, the higher chances of miscarriage.

Obviously lots of women have their babies in their late 30s and 40s with no problems but the higher risks are still there. Does this worry other people? I sometimes feel surprised that some women have babies later through choice, not because of fertility/health issues, meeting someone, financial reasons, etc. One of my friends is 38 and is pregnant with her first. She seems so relaxed about everything aged related she's been told.

Actively choosing to wait until late 30s to start a family seems to be more and more common but are women actually aware of the difficulties and potential complications this can bring I wonder?

For me it wasn't so much the risks that put me off a third (although if we seriously considered a third of course that would be something to think about), it was how old I'd be when a theoretic third child became more independent.

I was almost 35 when I gave birth to my youngest, who is now 3.5. It's only in the last few months that I've started to think, if we were to have another, I now feel vaguely ready for it. Although in reality I'm still co-sleeping with youngest, who has been very tricky in many ways, so I'd need to get that sorted before even thinking about TTC, etc.

So I'm 38 now and the thought of going back to nappies, weaning, etc and prolonging the sleep deprivation and other aspects of having babies and very young children does not appeal. And the idea of not getting any meaningful time to myself until said theoretical baby started school (I'd be wellllll over 40) is also off-putting.

I love my kids, but they're hard work. HARD. WORK.
And there's definitely a part of me that is broody for another baby, now that my two are getting so big... but the sensible part of my brain knows it would be a train wreck. I can barely manage two kids. 😆

You feel like you do because you happened to have been able/willing to have DC when you were younger. I had mine in my late 20s, they're 9 and 7 now and I feel too old to have a baby, and the idea of going back is exhausting. But if I didn't have any already then certainly I would be wanting them older.
I have many, many friends and acquaintances who have had their babies 35+ for a myriad of reasons. one just ended up taking super long to fall pregnant and is having her 2nd at 37, another didn't meet her partner till later and had her first at 38. I could go on. Your post feels a little judgy.

I genuinely thought any period in your 30s was the sweet spot. And all that after 35 your eggs are akin to spoiled dairy was nonsense. I'd be more sympathetic if you were say mid-40s but this is a bit like worrying about going to uni at 28 because everyone went at 18

I had my first at 37, nobody even mentioned screening, it was an uncomplicated pregnancy and DS1 is now 21. Had DS2 at (cough-cough) 47. I went for CVS, nothing wrong, had uncomplicated pregnancy, midwife said I was fitter than some of her 20 year olds. Not a very nice birth experience because I let them scare me into being induced on due date🙄. I'm looking at my lovely, happy, healthy and bright 10 yr old, as he eats his peanut butter toast, right now. HTH.

Wow, you're so deluded to think you are the only one with your 'unique' thoughts. Don't be ridiculous.

@Taillighttoobright u ok, hun??

@Mabelstearooms thank you!!!!

I really didn't mean to scaremonger at all. That was not my intention and I'm sorry if my post read that way.

So I'm not coming from this in a 'typical' mindset. As I said, I've got anxiety and have has it for nearly 20 years. Specifically, it's health anxiety. I pushed myself through two pregnancies with immense fear of the whole process as I wanted children. I'm now in a place where yes, I'm wondering about a third but the following is running through my mind...

• My age in the next few years. I wouldn't want to try now. I am really worried about age related things. Because in my mind it all gets magnified.
• The stress of ttc. First time took 2 months, second time 5 months. Obviously that's absolutely fine but to anxiety me, the second time was so stressful as I constantly worried about not conceiving.
• I've had pnd twice. Strong chance it could happen again. I've only just finished for the second time with my perinatal support team and psychologist.
• Dc1 was a traumatic birth. I had a 3 day back to back labour, forceps, torn artery and 3 litre blood loss, then a blood transfusion. For someone with health anxiety too, this gave ptsd. Although I still went on to have baby no.2.
• DC2 was an easier birth in comparison but I was very ill during the pregnancy and had some worrying scans with her.
• DC1 is awaiting assessment for adhd so I have to consider that.

I suppose I'm feeling sad that weighing everything up, my mental health, past experiences, age, my children, etc, we shouldn't have a third. Maybe it's that that I'm trying to come to terms with.

I knew you'd be 35 before I even opened this.

No of course you're not.

I was nearly 37 when I had my second. My Dsis was 43.

Are people actively choosing to conceive at a later age or is it just the way life works out I didn't meet my dh untill I was 31 ,and there was nobody I wanted to have children with before I met ,him I had my oldest son when I was 33 and my youngest at 36 ,my youngest son does have a rare chromosome disorder and has severe disabilities, but it's not something that would have been picked up on pre natal tests ,and it's something that just happened randomly.

What if you were not in. a position to have a child before you were say 35?
These things are subjective, I imagine if someone has children in their early / mid 20,s and feel they are done they would probably feel 35 was so late but if someone is 35 and is now only in a position to have children it's really not that late.

@x2boys i really do think people are waiting through choice. And I think there’s a difference between ‘not finding the right person’ then ‘dating causally and not really trying to find the right person’. A lot of my friends (we’re early 30s) go on a lot of Tinder dates etc but it’s all very disposable and they rarely make it past date 2 or 3. Most of the time they’re ‘not feeling it’ which is fair enough but when you’ve ‘not felt it’ for ~100 dates, you do wonder what exactly it is they’re expecting; and will they ever find it?

I also don’t think waiting gives you a higher chance of finding a better match. Pickings tend to be quite slim at 35, the left over men tend to be quite low calibre or commitment-phobes. Plus the tick-tick of the biological clock means women tend to rush into relationships at the last minute so they don’t miss the boat. There’s quite a few threads going at the moment by women in their late 30s, pregnant and either in whirlwind unsuitable relationships, or the man is a commitment phobe who at the age of 38 ‘doesn’t want children for another few years at least’.

OP: it is good that you recognise that your anxiety disorder is at okay here.

Try not to project. I was significantly older than you when I had my first. And had a baby at 43. I assure you I was NOT worrying particularly. Not hiding any worries. Not being ‘less open’. Just had the scans, took the folic acid, followed the advice for any healthy pregnancy and birth in a positive frame of mind.

It would be sad if your MH prevented you from having a much wanted third child, but on the other hand your own well being is important and it would also be a risk to make your condition worse.

I hope your close family and the professionals supporting you can help you make the right decision.

Good luck!

‘At play’ not ‘at okay’

Oh please don't think like this! I want to reassure you it had nothing to do with your maternal age.

I was 24 having DS, so prime fertility, exactly where the NHS wanted me to be, I am/was perfectly healthy, perfect weight, not boasting but everything was perfect/textbook.

DS has a EHCP ADHD and severe Dyslexia. 😂🤷🏻‍♀️

So please don't beat yourself up, neurodiverse children are wonderful but also completely random in how the come about. They are like snowflakes, no two are the same or fall from the same cloud!

The child I had past your cut off age is neurotypical with no diagnoses. The one I had 3 years before your cut off is autistic and has a learning disability.

Personally I wouldn't go past 35 if I could help it. I probably wouldn't go past 30 but that is more down to not wanting to raise teens in my 50's.

I had my first at 22 and second at 24. Then had a suprise pregnancy at 35, I was petrified and gutted. I didn't want another baby at that age, I didn't want to be 50 with a 15 year old, I had my others half reared at that stage etc etc anyway she is the best thing since sliced bread now, I am mad about her, we all are and now I wouldn't change it.

If I was to get pregnant later than 35 I would have all the tests I could to check for fetal abnormalities and I would end the pregnancy if there was any problems. I am a social worker and I work in disability services so I have a very real understanding of what families sometimes go through raising a child with special needs. It can be extremely tough and it's never ending, they don't move on with their own lives when they become adults. I have seen some horrific things and families and marriages torn to pieces under the stress so it wouldn't be for me if I could help it at all.

It's really about whether you actually want another baby and can afford the financial and emotional work involved. Risks can be ameliorated by testing so it's a minor issue

Of course 35 isn't too old. I'm 41and recently had my perfectly healthy first baby. None of the medical staff were particularly bothered about my age.

However I won't eyeroll at you as this is clearly an anxiety thing so maybe 35 is too old for you to have a child. Everyone has their own limits.

It doesn't worry me at all because the vast majority of women I know had children after 30/35 years with no problems.

To be honest at 36 I have thought about this. I work with alot of women and can honestly say disabilities happen for 22 year olds aswell as 42 year olds. My ds is nearly 5 and it took 2 years to conceive him at 29 ish.

It’s a trade off though isn’t it, because by having children at that age you miss out on a lot of opportunities for career, travel etc

@TidesOfLife I know when you google that 35 seems like a massive cliff edge of risk, but speaking as someone currently very pregant at 37, none of my official medical notes and NHS appts with variety of staff seem to agree with that 35yr old age thing - over 40 seems to be their benchmark for extta monitoring and risk etc. Ive even said at multiple appts "i know im older/advanced mat age etc" and consultants and midwives have consistently said that they look more at over 40s now for risk markers and that over 35 (once conceived obvs) is neither here nor there for them really...

As other posters have said "double the risk" can literally mean it goes from 1 in 1000 to 2 in 1000, so I dont think 35 is the massive big deal you're worrying about?

Having said that, do what is right for you and your family ❤️

Not everyone is that fussed about careers/travelling, by 24 you’re either a few years post university and hopefully in some kind of steady job, or 6 years post school and the same. My friends in their early 30s who don’t have kids, haven’t really extensively travelled or anything. They’re got good jobs but nothing spectacular or hugely demanding.

I don’t think it’s as simple as older mum = well travelled, minted and in a fabulous career whereas younger mum = minimum wage job and hardly ever left the country.

My brother in law’s parents had him at 20, he had left home by the time they were 39 and they then spent several years travelling and living around Asia. They had a fab time and are back now, and have recently started a new business in their early 50s.

@Bizzyone thank you. That was a really nice reply and makes a lot sense. You're right, googling isn't great.

This is so subjective that I don't think personal experiences and opinions of others are going to help you much OP. Beyond the fact that the lowest risk time for nigh on everything is late teens then rises thereafter, everything else is a personal call. People feel differently about the risk of miscarriage for example. People have differing levels of energy, and that obviously can be impacted by how many kids they've had already.

I felt too old to do it again when I was younger than you. I wasn't wrong, and neither are the posters who feel they weren't too old in their late 30s and 40s.