To think I'm too old for another baby

[TidesOfLife]

So this won't sound old to many but I'm 35 and if I was to have another baby in the next few years, I would be of 'advanced maternal age'. I have a nearly 4 year old and a 1 year old. If I was younger, I would have considered another baby but when I look at all the extra risks and complications of advanced maternal age, would I really want to go through that and possibly jeopardise what I already have. Plus, the higher chances of miscarriage.

Obviously lots of women have their babies in their late 30s and 40s with no problems but the higher risks are still there. Does this worry other people? I sometimes feel surprised that some women have babies later through choice, not because of fertility/health issues, meeting someone, financial reasons, etc. One of my friends is 38 and is pregnant with her first. She seems so relaxed about everything aged related she's been told.

Actively choosing to wait until late 30s to start a family seems to be more and more common but are women actually aware of the difficulties and potential complications this can bring I wonder?

@TidesOfLife i will be 35 when my first baby is born (if everything continues going well). I’m not relaxed but i started trying before my wedding and it took 6 months. What do you expect me or others to do? Have a baby with the first person that comes along just so we’re younger?

FWIW my NIPT came back as less than 1 in 10,000 chance of DS.

I pray this pregnancy goes well and if it does, I will try for a second.

Ah, so the issue is not so much other people, as it is your own anxiety disorder?

Have you considered getting in touch with other people in the same boat? It's not exactly uncommon so there will be plenty of other people - especially in the wake of covid, which seems to have triggered anxiety disorders as a rate of knots.

@Lackofpoise not at all. I suppose I was thinking more about people who have everything in place for years and years (partner, home, finances, etc) but still choose to have their first baby nearer to 40. Ok, maybe my views are tainted by my own anxieties but it's surely not without a bit more risk.

I suppose I was thinking more about people who have everything in place for years and years (partner, home, finances, etc) but still choose to have their first baby nearer to 40.

I've known many people in this situation - but with all of those I knew well, I knew there was something more. Couples where one person wanted children and the other didn't. Couples where they wanted a baby but there were family pressures that came with having a baby. Individuals who were sure they wanted a baby but felt apprehensive about doing it alone. Lots of reasons. You never know what someone's private situation is, do you?

Unless you’re completely dim and / or un-educated, you will worry. Of course you will. This isn’t unique to you, OP.

But most people don’t let the worry put them off.

However, it’s usually because it’s a first or second child.

If you’re that worried, maybe just call it quits at 2? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Again, this was me and DH. We’d been a couple for over 20 years by the time we had a baby. You are hugely exaggerating the increased risks.

DP has had health issues and I’m having to wait to see when I finally get my LLETZ booked in and so I’ll be 34 when we start trying, hopefully. I guess I just shouldn’t bother because I’m not as wise as you OP. If only you’d let us all know sooner.

Was there not a single second of you writing this that you felt like maybe a bit of a dick?

Utter moron

I'm ignoring the fact that you have 2 other children and going straight to "you are not too old". Those of us who - through no fault of our own but due to several losses - do not have the children we would love to have by 35/38/40 etc feel so, so shit when you categorically state "I am too old at 35".

My first born was born when I was 34 and I, in no way, was too old.

Shame on you.

Also the passage about DS risks when you had your second is basically a lie. I was 34 and my risk of DS was so infinitesimally small that it wasn't even noted. So you're lying AND making people feel like shit. Well done you.

Read 'Expecting Better' by Emily Oster. It has up to date evidence based on actual studies and the risk isn't as high as you would think. Average life expectantly is in the early 80s now too

I was 37 with my first and 40 with my second, so no, you’re not.

Exactly, for a change write about men not being ready to settle down in their 20s, stringing women along and wasting their fertile years - bet you won’t. 🙄

I was pg at 36, 38 and 40. All resulted in (early) miscarriages. Sailed through pregnancy twice in my twenties.

Op I don’t think many people actively choose to have their first child in their late 30s. What you see as people deliberately waiting may be hidden infertility or money worries.

Yeah I was thinking that. I had my DC a year older than 34 and I didn’t have a risk for downs anywhere near that high! I can’t remember it it was so irrelevantly tiny.

OP, I think it might be some secret prejudice talking here.

Of course there is a risk that you won’t be able to have a baby if you wait until your late 30s/40s (happened to me when I tried for another - it was heartbreaking) but, local to me, most of the mothers I met were around 40 when they had their first.

This really does read like a journalist is fishing for stories.

I agree with a poster above who suggested writing about why males wait. My lovely friend was dumped by her partner of eight years at the age of 35 after he promised her he would propose and they would have kids. She is now 42 and despite dating several men since she hasn’t found the one. It has completely devastated her. Her fuck wit ex was married with a baby on the way within 12 months (proposed to her after 3 months).

I think late 30s is old to be having a first/only baby. Not so much if you already have children and have had straightforward pregnancies, as your body seems to know the drill, and although it’s a bit controversial I think siblings balance out the effect of older parents later in life a bit.

That said I had DC1 in my mid 20s and currently pregnant with DC2 at 31, and I’m finding it HARD. I have hyperemesis this pregnancy which, coupled with pre existing medical conditions, is a real struggle. A fit and healthy 38 year old would probably find pregnancy easier than me, and really there’s not much in 7 years on paper in terms of the rest of our lives.

I once read that if you have a baby naturally in your 40s, you tend to live longer.

I had my DD when I was 36 and I was in great shape, ticked all the boxes but I had a horrendous experience giving birth at a London NHS Hospital as i went into labour in daytime hours and received great care but unfortunately it didn’t last as when that team went off duty another team looked after me and I was left with a midwife who didn’t have a clue and I suffered a 3rd degree tear and had to have Immediate surgery.
I couldn’t even breastfeed my daughter in the hospital as I was on so many pain killers .

The whole experience scared me from ever having another child as my daughter is 12 now and beautiful but a only child.
Age didn’t put me off trying for another child.
My Terrible Painful experience did .

The best time to try to have a baby is now. Considering everything else is fine in your life. 35 is not old if you are healthy and fertile. I had my first around thirty and my last at 44. Also people don't share. They will get through it all but not share. There is no point.

I had my first at 41 and my child is perfectly healthy. There are slightly higher risks as discussed in this thread but we are talking about a slightly higher risk in a low risk scenario. In all honesty OP, I don't really understand your thread.

Not worrying about something that is statistically still pretty low doesn’t make you dim or uneducated FFS 🙄

Lord.

No, 35 is not in the least bit old.

Have one.