To ask dd to cut it out or move out

Also regardless of her age (which is still very young btw) all children push boundaries with parents. I don't know the situation with her father but quite often it's the parent that is left that has all the negative feelings taken out on them. If you feel this could be relevant then perhaps some counseling could be helpful either together or just for your daughter x

took his phone and iPad off him last night as he had been rude to a teacher at school

Didnt school give him a consequence ? Behaviour point? Why does he get punished at home as well ?

@Sunnyqueen not being able to afford something isn't tight is it ? They meant tight as in stingy
And the right thing would of been to say to her mum , i know you can't afford ds trainers so i thought i could get them as a gift

Is it any different to when she was at home before? It sounds like typical siblings behaviour with the iPad I'm afraid. You are maybe expecting her to behave like an adult and also tell him no when she not mature enough to see your reason for taking it off him so went sure have mine.

The trainers just sound like different views on money at that age all my cash went on my car, clothes and holidays as like her I didn't have anything else to pay for. Had 1.5k a month just to spend so dropping say £100 on my kids brothers trainers wouldn't have been a big ask

Out. She is 21, time to go. You can’t have her disrespecting you like this in front of your son, otherwise you are gonna have serious trouble ahead with him.

@Noteverybodylives she undermined the mum not acted in total kindness
How do you know if the OP is controlling ?
Having rules in your house and giving a child a consequence is not controlling most of us call that parenting
I wouldn't want to kick a child out but a 21 year old being disrespectful would get a choice , buck up or move out
If OP is so bad to live with why is she still there and not renting a room elsewhere

@cestlavielife because most of us also see that job as the parent
Leaving things just to school is not good enough

@Grumpybutfunny at 21 you are an adult

@worriedatthistime I think that depends on what education you have perused. At 21 all our friends were either just graduating or still at uni. Those of us that had jobs (I got paid in my last year at uni) it was literally the first time we weren't skint so it got spent on luxuries and fast cars! We are 32 now and I would honestly say we didn't grow into proper adults until we were 25+ as a friendship group we have lawyers, doctors, scientists, vets, engineers and airline pilots so not stupid people but we were defiantly still mentally teenagers

I Think you're overreacting.

1: wtf were you punishing your ds at home for something that happened at school? And something most likely unrelated to the ipad I bet.
2: if she wants to buy him.some trainers that you said were too expensive for you then I don't see a pproblem wwith that.
3: to be honest, I think the reason she's "badmouthing" you to him (ie: is telling you you're being overzealous and ridiculous), then it's because you're being overzealous and ridiculous.

I ththink you need to take a step back and really tthink about how you're treating your son, because it sounds to me like you're trying to score points at parenting now your dd is home.

Relax a bit and treat your son a bit more like a grgrownup

Time for her to move out and see if her bullying behaviour will be tolerated by flatmates.

Sit her down and tell her if she wants to be the responsible adult in the family then here’s a list of stuff she needs to do for her brother, you’ll make her the emergency contact, and she can deal with paying all the household bills. She doesn’t get to sweep in and be the saviour of the family while simultaneously treating you like shit, so either she is now the leader, she packs it in, or she finds somewhere else to live.

Interesting. Treat the 13 year old son like he’s a grown up but don’t address the behaviour of the ACTUAL grown up?

@nickelbabe most parents also have a punishment at home for bad behaviour at school , its called parenting and working together , backing up the school etc
Its not the schools job to parent your child its yours
That the issue nowadays people don't want to ever be the bad guy and actually parent

@Grumpybutfunny thats about money and being frivolous etc, not about treating your parents with disrespect etc
My teenagers know what respect is
I expect a 21 year old to be careless with money , come home drunk , not leave the house as tidy as me etc but i would expect respect from them

I would be absolutely firm with her. She’s completely messing with the status quo in your house. maybe it’s jealousy or maybe she’s finding it difficult to accept that she’s not in control in the house? Your ds is going to become confused and resentful of you if you allow this to continue, then you’ll end up with 2 difficult relationships, when in fact you are absolutely correct in withholding some things either for behaviour or due to cost otherwise how will he ever learn! She will help to create a disrespectful, spoilt boy which you currently don’t have! It’s time for her to move on. Be firm with her, give her a timescale and if there’s no change in her behaviour, get her to move out as she clearly already ’knows everything’!

🚪
There's the door.

Playing devils advocate here.

She has been away from home for 3 years whilst you were at home with her brother who was just 10 at the time.

She was an only child for the first 9 years.

I'd absolutely not be accepting her behaviour but I wonder if it comes from trying to assert her place back in the family?

I'd start with a good chat. Explain that those rules were what she had and it allowed her to be a better person and go to uni, get a good job and be likeable and have lots of friends.

Speak to her adult by adult but listen to her about why she's doing it.

Then tell her you need her to be an adult and either keep out or back you up. Or speak to you separately about things. (For example I'd have let her buy the trainers if cost was the issue and she spoke to you first to check the refusal wasn't behaviour related).

Tell her what you expect and that if she can't adhere to those rules then she needs to move out and her brother can visit at hers. I would imagine she'll be less enthusiastic about having him at hers to parent

I don't mean at hers full time! Just to visit I just meant it's harder to do it alone than always be the good guy.

It’s terrible behaviour.

She’s a bully and she’s trying to break you by dividing and conquering.

I think the only solution is for you to say it’s not working and she’s got to move out.

Valid point.

You need to act quickly before she manipulated your son more. Talk to her. Make your expectations clear, let her choose. Also she should be paying much more than £50 pw, that's what a 17 yr old pays on first job wage. If you are not careful she could continue to manipulate your son behind your back, so you need to talk to him too.

Talk about missing the point

They come home from university thinking they know everything about everything. My older DD came home and now acts like a second parent to younger DD. It does pay off sometimes though. I use it to my advantage.

Do the school call about him often? I would be inclined to put her down as first contact remove yourself and if she calls tell her you don't want to be mean and your looking forward to seeing how she deals with it