To ask dd to cut it out or move out

[Jokaline]

I am a single parent with a 21 yer old dd and 13 year old ds. Dd recently moved back home after finishing university. Since moving back home she is constantly belittling and undermining me with ds.

For example I took his phone and iPad off him last night as he had been rude to a teacher at school but a little while later I found him in his room using hers. When I asked her why she said it’s her iPad and her brother so she can lend it him whenever she wants.

Similarly a couple of weeks ago he asked me for a pair of trainers that were really expensive so I said no as they were too expensive. However a couple of days later she went out and bought them. When I asked why she said that she is not as tight as me.

There are other things as well I have heard her badmouthing me to him and telling him he should ignore me and come to her when she does not think I can hear. It seems like since she moved back from university she is seeking to play me as some awful person to ds and is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere at home. Would I be unreasonable to say she needs to stop or she move out.

[Cats23]

Yes, Either her tell her to stop or she can go!
As you are Ds parent- She has no right to interfere at all!

[Stompythedinosaur]

I think she sounds ready for her own place tbh.

She also sound pretty immature. This is about meeting her need to be "the favourite" and nothing about your ds.

[WibbleBibble]

She's trying to undermine you so that she becomes the favourite. It is really quite immature, but also pretty worrying she's acting like this. I would be having very stern words about her place in the household and what on earth she thinks she is doing trying to come between a young teen and his mother. Does she have a job and a friendship group since leaving uni?

[Tessasanderson]

She is obviously not short of money so can look after herself for a while. I would be asking/telling her to hand over her door keys and asking her to move out for a little while to give you both some space. That will give you space to reset your son without her interferring.

Once she gets over the shock of being told to get out she will respond in three ways.

Panic that she is really just a little girl and going to struggle. Apologise and hopefully be a better dd
Kick off that you are not being a good mother - Well she is doing that already so no big loss
Accept you demands and move out for a little bit and maybe realise its a big bad world out their with lots of expense and maybe she needs to show you some bloody respect for what you do for her.

[Jokaline]

Yes she has got a job and quite a lot of friends

[Pixiedust1234]

Yes its time for her to move out. She's trying to oust you out of the nest. Unfortunately for her she's forgotten its your nest.

Since she's already said you are mean etc, I wouldn't ask her to cut it out, I would go straight to the move out and why. Good luck, I cant imagine how painful this must be.

[TrashyPanda]

Tell her she can rule the roost in her own place.

[BuildersTeaMaker]

@Jokaline

Yes she has got a job and quite a lot of friends

Right then, say if she has money to waste on presents for a sibling who doesn’t need them in the current climate , she clearly has enough money to move out she can rent with all these mates of hers
or that she can clearly pay you a lot more “rent”
Don’t mess around with this- I send a clear sognal

imho, they can still be very selfish and self absolrbed at 20-22. It can take till they hit 23 ish for them to mature to a nice adult with a mature attitude 🙄😉

[Jokaline]

I do charge her some rent but it’s only £50 per week which is lower than the market rate would be.

[MissyB1]

She's got very big for her boots, she nows considers herself "in charge", a sure sign that she's ready to move out and live on her own.

[Overandunderit]

Yes you need to speak to your DD and explain to her that you're the parent in this situation, that she must not undermine you in your home if she wishes to live there. If she decides to continue to be cheeky tell her she might want to make alternative living arrangements.

[Calmdown14]

Hmm, while you are totally right, I'd be wary of playing into her narrative that you are the bad guy.

She'll probably be off soon enough anyway.

I would attempt to have a conversation with her as a grown up (even if she's not acting like one).

That it's lovely she wants to treat her brother but can she do it to boost his confidence when he's done well with something at school or home.

Give her the impression you are handing over some power or responsibility as you've noticed she's keen to be involved in his parenting. Ask her to do something that is a totally thankless task with him!

And definitely increase her rent.

Of course it might come to a head at some point but while it is fairly minor I'd be concerned it might do more harm and push him to her in secret even if she's living elsewhere

[AryaStarkWolf]

She'd get one warning and then she's out the door, how dare she come back to a home you provide and try to undermine you and turn your son against you.

[saraclara]

You asking her to leave would unfortunately make your son believe that she's right. She's the good guy to him already, and any action like this would move you from bad guy, to absolutely cruel and horrible guy (in his head).

[IncompleteSenten]

I would tell her to move out.

I wonder if this is even about your son at all or is it about her having silly resentments about not getting X item or being grounded and so on and now she's undermining you because she feels like it's 'payback' for you making the rules when she was a child.

You aren't wrong to have done so, I want to stress! But I'm wondering if it's less about him and more about you iyswim.

[AryaStarkWolf]

@saraclara

You asking her to leave would unfortunately make your son believe that she's right. She's the good guy to him already, and any action like this would move you from bad guy, to absolutely cruel and horrible guy (in his head).

What so she just allows her to over rule her and talk about her in such a way in her own home? I don't think so

[puddingandsun]

@saraclara

You asking her to leave would unfortunately make your son believe that she's right. She's the good guy to him already, and any action like this would move you from bad guy, to absolutely cruel and horrible guy (in his head).

I second that.

You have to focus on your bond her. Get her on your side. For some reason, it sounds like she feels much closer to her sibling than to her mother at this stage in her life. I'd put my efforts to win her over.

[Bankcockbabe]

@saraclara

You asking her to leave would unfortunately make your son believe that she's right. She's the good guy to him already, and any action like this would move you from bad guy, to absolutely cruel and horrible guy (in his head).

This

I think that your son is of an age where he can may be brought with material things - and getting your DD out the door, is going to reinforce what she is telling your son

I would talk to her first. My guessing is that it will not change - I think her problem is with YOU op - she clearly has some issue she wants to belittle you for and if she is not prepared to stop - then I would ask her to leave

I would be tempted to have son in on the convos too, so she cannot make you out to be the bad guy in all of this

[Mummyratbag]

Bloody hell, I'd remind her that the reason she can afford to be generous and buy her brother's favour is because you charge her so little rent! I'm raging for you.

[NovaDeltas]

At 21 she should have moved out. Tell her to get some self respect and a flat and she can have her own rules there instead of pissing all over yours.

[saraclara]

@AryaStarkWolf

What so she just allows her to over rule her and talk about her in such a way in her own home? I don't think so

You know that they're not the only two options, right?

[AryaStarkWolf]

@saraclara

You know that they're not the only two options, right?

So what do you suggest, you didn't say in your post? Talking to her seems to get smart alec answers from her going by the information in the OP

[Snaketime]

I wouldn't be able to help myself, I would tell her that if I am so tight she wouldn't want to live under my roof and give her a set time period to be out by and stick to it.

[Jokaline]

I understand what people are saying regarding my image in ds’ mind particularly as she has him eating out of her hands at the moment. I just feel at the end of my tether with her and the negative influence it is having on my mental health in my home. It all feels quite calculated rather than just thoughtless which compounds it.

[diddl]

What is she hoping to gain though?

She's surely not going to keep treating her brother indefinitely?

Also he's 13 not a young child so can probably see through it but is just happily taking the gifts.