To ask dd to cut it out or move out

[Jokaline]

I am a single parent with a 21 yer old dd and 13 year old ds. Dd recently moved back home after finishing university. Since moving back home she is constantly belittling and undermining me with ds.

For example I took his phone and iPad off him last night as he had been rude to a teacher at school but a little while later I found him in his room using hers. When I asked her why she said it’s her iPad and her brother so she can lend it him whenever she wants.

Similarly a couple of weeks ago he asked me for a pair of trainers that were really expensive so I said no as they were too expensive. However a couple of days later she went out and bought them. When I asked why she said that she is not as tight as me.

There are other things as well I have heard her badmouthing me to him and telling him he should ignore me and come to her when she does not think I can hear. It seems like since she moved back from university she is seeking to play me as some awful person to ds and is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere at home. Would I be unreasonable to say she needs to stop or she move out.

[Tumbleweed101]

Not quite the same situation but my 22yr old is also trying to ‘take over the nest’ a bit at the moment. She is constantly nagging about it being kept tidy for when her boyfriend visits. I can’t put anything down and it’s tidied away or thrown away. A few weeks ago she threw an envelope away that still contained her sisters birth certificate. Luckily I noticed and found it but it’s lots of little things like that. I’m quite happy to have help with keeping the house tidy, that isn’t the issue, it’s that she is obsessive. We have talked about it but it’s clear we’d all be happier if she moved into her own ‘nest’. It’s just a shame rents are so high now.

[mamabear715]

It's an age thing. I remember trying to belittle my own mum. Thinking I was grown up & knew everything. Brat!

[Fraaahnces]

I would increase her rent and make her start covering bills, etc, so that moving out is a much more attractive option.

[purplehair1]

Is she angry at you for something? It sounds like there is some base level resentment there. I would have another chat with her and find out what it is - if she will give you a straight answer.

[Hillrunning]

I'd talk to her about her, not DS. So a conversation about being proud that she has secured a job out of uni and is building her life. Say you noticed though that she doesn't seem too happy at home and the good relationship you two used to have (assuming you did) seems to be eroding. Going from being independently living at uni to back at the parents house is hard and so maybe she is ready to find a house to share or live alone. Make it about recognising that she is an adult and so may find living at home stifling.

Loads for these responses seem so harsh. She is still your daughter, presumably you do still want a good relationship? Presumably you do still want her to be happy?

[Mummyoftwolittleones]

Perhaps an unpopular response but having been that sister who has bought the things my mum couldn’t afford for my brother, I did so because I could and my mum tended to be really grateful tbh, many responses I am assuming are from the older parent group here but actually place yourself back in your 13 year old shoes, bullying is rife and being a teenager these days is hard, your daughter probably knows that and is just trying to do what she can whilst she can to give to her brother. I don’t however agree with her undermining you though in terms of behaviour sanctions - I’d suggest discussing it with her but wouldn’t provide an ultimatum, she’s your daughter for goodness sake, she’s in her safe place with you and let’s be honest before you know it she’ll fly the nest and you’ll be alone so enjoy these family times

[Mummyoftwolittleones]

I think you also need to remember she is an adult having left uni, it’s very different moving back home (I have been there) and there is probably a lot of uncertainty deep down.

she may not be ready to talk, and tbh if she doesn’t want to eat dinner with you then it’s not the end of the world, I think you’re treating her like a child instead of an adult… probably worth thinking that over

equally there are plenty of credit options for people to access out there now which could be the source of her funds for purchasing stuff

I think she’s just trying to be a sister, adult and learning the ropes to leaving uni ( I don’t think you realise just how crazy it can feel) maybe give it some time and have a word with your son separately or take him out for some mother son time

[StickywithSuncream]

Have you tried asking her why she’s so angry and contemptuous of you?

If not, I would do so. Couch it in terms of being really sad and concerned about her obvious hostility to you. As she’s an adult now, you know she’s old enough to know her behaviour is damaging to both you and DS and you know she’s too decent a person to be doing this deliberately, so you’re really concerned you’ve inadvertently upset her badly and want to know so you can repair the relationship.

This holds a mirror up to her for her to see her behaviour for what it is, while hopefully not being so obviously confrontational that she knee-jerks into defensive mode and just shuts you down. Plus presumably you are genuinely concerned about what’s going on for her here.

[Jokaline]

Thanks for everyone’s responses. I will try to address some of the points raised.

In terms of their dad we seperated 7 years ago and now lives around 40 miles away. He has contact with ds regularly and dd has a good relationship with him as far as I am aware.

I took a sanction against ds for his behaviour at school as I believe in a coordinated approach with the school in terms of minimum expectations of behaviour.

I don’t really want to give her anymore responsibility in respect of ds whilst she is currently behaving in the way that she is as I believe raising him is my job and I don’t think her current behaviour is conducive to having a positive effect on him.

I am going to sit her down and tell her the current situation is intolerable for me and that if there is no improvement then she will be leaving to find a new place to live. I am also going to tell her that her rent contribution I ask from her is going to be increased.

[Cameleongirl]

@mamabear715

It's an age thing. I remember trying to belittle my own mum. Thinking I was grown up & knew everything. Brat!

I hope your Mum put a stop to it right away, @mamabear715 !

My DS (14) has spoken rudely to me a couple of times recently and he’s instantly told that it’s not acceptable and needs to stop immediately. DH and I have a no tolerance policy for talking down to family members. DD (17) has never tried it, she’s got more sense.

[billy1966]

She is trying to bully you in your own he and its not on.

Your son needs you to parent him and not be undermined.

Remain as calm as possible and tell her that it is clear that she is not happy back at he and in the interest of maintaining a healthy relationship she needs to move in with friends.

She clearly has the money to.

She has refused your efforts to engage so now you need to put what is best for you and your son first.

I have children her age and there is No way I would be tolerating such treatment.

The key is to remain calm, firm and resolute.

Offer to help her pack.

There is no way ANYONE, would be allowed to treat me poorly in MY home.

You do NOT owe her the right to bully and undermine you in YOUR home.

Do not accept this.

[Aubriella]

@Jokaline

Thanks for everyone’s responses. I will try to address some of the points raised.

In terms of their dad we seperated 7 years ago and now lives around 40 miles away. He has contact with ds regularly and dd has a good relationship with him as far as I am aware.

I took a sanction against ds for his behaviour at school as I believe in a coordinated approach with the school in terms of minimum expectations of behaviour.

I don’t really want to give her anymore responsibility in respect of ds whilst she is currently behaving in the way that she is as I believe raising him is my job and I don’t think her current behaviour is conducive to having a positive effect on him.

I am going to sit her down and tell her the current situation is intolerable for me and that if there is no improvement then she will be leaving to find a new place to live. I am also going to tell her that her rent contribution I ask from her is going to be increased.

Good! Do let us know how you get on, we are rooting for you

[Lavenderflower]

I'm not sure how to interpret. I think as a parent is really difficult when the older child has over-stepped their role. However, I have been the younger sibling - my siblings are 5 and 7 year old. They have always looked after me and been protective. I remember as child they took the blame for certain things. When they started earning they bought things - I am forever grateful. My siblings also helped me out.

So whilst I understand your reasoning for taking his iPad, I understand why she would allow him to use it. My siblings would have done the same thing and I would have done the same. She is his sister and not his parent therefore she is not going to punish him nor is it her place to do so. Siblings often do join bands and looks out for each other. I wouldn't expect any of my children to carryout or follow my punishment.

I think you are being very unreasonable inn regards to the trainers. I think it makes you come across as bit controlling - I wonder if there is more to her behaviour. Perhaps, she didn't feel she was well-dressed as child and wants to ensure her brother looks nice. I think it is fair enough that you didn't want to buy them but there is nothing wrong with her choosing to spend her money on her brother - this is a kind and loving thing to. As stated my siblings have treated me - I still remember the feelings of happiness and excitement as little girl. One of them in particular always used to treat to sweets and now as adult I would do anything them. When I was at school it was common for kids with older working siblings to treat them.

It sounds like to me you expect your daughter to co-parent with you and follow your lead. She is your son sister and they have a sibling relationship. I don't think is realistic for her to follow your punishments.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her to move out though as it is your house and house rules.

[Jokaline]

@Lavenderflower

I'm not sure how to interpret. I think as a parent is really difficult when the older child has over-stepped their role. However, I have been the younger sibling - my siblings are 5 and 7 year old. They have always looked after me and been protective. I remember as child they took the blame for certain things. When they started earning they bought things - I am forever grateful. My siblings also helped me out.

So whilst I understand your reasoning for taking his iPad, I understand why she would allow him to use it. My siblings would have done the same thing and I would have done the same. She is his sister and not his parent therefore she is not going to punish him nor is it her place to do so. Siblings often do join bands and looks out for each other. I wouldn't expect any of my children to carryout or follow my punishment.

I think you are being very unreasonable inn regards to the trainers. I think it makes you come across as bit controlling - I wonder if there is more to her behaviour. Perhaps, she didn't feel she was well-dressed as child and wants to ensure her brother looks nice. I think it is fair enough that you didn't want to buy them but there is nothing wrong with her choosing to spend her money on her brother - this is a kind and loving thing to. As stated my siblings have treated me - I still remember the feelings of happiness and excitement as little girl. One of them in particular always used to treat to sweets and now as adult I would do anything them. When I was at school it was common for kids with older working siblings to treat them.

It sounds like to me you expect your daughter to co-parent with you and follow your lead. She is your son sister and they have a sibling relationship. I don't think is realistic for her to follow your punishments.

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask her to move out though as it is your house and house rules.

I don’t expect her to coparent at all. I just don’t want her to consistently undermine me with her words and actions.