AIBU?
To ask dd to cut it out or move out
Jokaline · 16/09/2022 10:56
I am a single parent with a 21 yer old dd and 13 year old ds. Dd recently moved back home after finishing university. Since moving back home she is constantly belittling and undermining me with ds.
For example I took his phone and iPad off him last night as he had been rude to a teacher at school but a little while later I found him in his room using hers. When I asked her why she said it’s her iPad and her brother so she can lend it him whenever she wants.
Similarly a couple of weeks ago he asked me for a pair of trainers that were really expensive so I said no as they were too expensive. However a couple of days later she went out and bought them. When I asked why she said that she is not as tight as me.
There are other things as well I have heard her badmouthing me to him and telling him he should ignore me and come to her when she does not think I can hear. It seems like since she moved back from university she is seeking to play me as some awful person to ds and is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere at home. Would I be unreasonable to say she needs to stop or she move out.
Am I being unreasonable?
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Jokaline · 16/09/2022 13:05
I genuinely have no idea why she is doing what she is doing. It only started when she moved back after finishing university. I have tried to talk with her as she will always be my daughter but she doesn’t want to.
The comments when she thinks I can’t hear are the most upsetting if I am honest.
AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2022 13:08
Jokaline · 16/09/2022 13:05
I genuinely have no idea why she is doing what she is doing. It only started when she moved back after finishing university. I have tried to talk with her as she will always be my daughter but she doesn’t want to.
The comments when she thinks I can’t hear are the most upsetting if I am honest.
Definitely tell her she stops interfering in your parenting of DS or she needs to find a place of her own to live
Hyacinth2 · 16/09/2022 13:11
She must be earning a hell of a lot money to just buy stuff (trainers - expensive) randomly. Is this a job she has for life or just to tide her over with spending money for going out etc.
I would point out that the going rate for a room in a let property is - whatever it is in your area- and you would like her to start paying this as she can clearly afford it.
You were happy to reduce the rate to allow her to save but if she doesn't need to save then you'd like money to include cost of heating, food etc
Have the conversation in DSs hearing.
You aren't a charity.
Hymnulop · 16/09/2022 13:11
Be careful OP. This behaviour is classic acting out, defying you etc probably because she is deeply unhappy and vying for your attention. She's not a child - sit down with her and have a proper grown up conversation. I wouldn't be surprised if she broke down and told you how she really feels. Don't kick her out til you've done this.
BreatheAndFocus · 16/09/2022 13:31
I’d try to work out why she’s doing this. You’re saying it’s calculating not just thoughtless, and that’s concerning. Do you think it’s coming from a place of fear? Could she be anxious about moving out into a place of her own and being alone, so is envious of you and your bond with your DS and trying to destroy it?Or is she just trying to be the favourite because she’s feeling insecure and unconfident as a young adult?
I think you should try to get a feeling for what’s happening even if she won’t discuss it. I also think you should be very wary of playing into her hands by being ‘the bad guy’ as she’ll pick on everything you do to ‘prove’ to your DS she’s ‘the best’. Concentrate on your DS and try to undo her influence. Spend time with him, be extra-kind with him, maybe even share your concerns about your DD. Hopefully he then won’t see her as Cool Adult who buys him stuff and tells him he’s always right, but as she actually is.
If you do want her to move out, then try to frame it as a positive, cheery thing so that she doesn’t use it against you. If it comes to it, insinuate to your DS that you could have afforded the trainers he wanted if you weren’t having to support poor, struggling DD.
Jokaline · 16/09/2022 13:33
I have tried speaking to her previously to tell her that her behaviour is upsetting but she makes it clear she doesn’t want to talk or engage. I even have a problem getting her to have dinner as the 3 of us in the evening although she is quite happy to cook for ds and herself provided I am not there.
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 16/09/2022 13:51
Are there any people (maybe men) that she knows from school/ uni etc who are entitled, lazy etc. Share your concerns that if ds doesn't learn to do chores, work for rewards etc then he will become like them. Discuss the rationale for your decisions. I imagine it stems from something she felt she didn't get growing up, but just handing things to ds won't fix that for her.
AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2022 13:58
Jokaline · 16/09/2022 13:33
I have tried speaking to her previously to tell her that her behaviour is upsetting but she makes it clear she doesn’t want to talk or engage. I even have a problem getting her to have dinner as the 3 of us in the evening although she is quite happy to cook for ds and herself provided I am not there.
When she's making it clear she doesn't want to talk or engage, you should be making it clear that if she's not prepared to try and work out whatever her issue is with you then she can leave your house and follow through, it's the height of disrespect.
Namechangenumber23 · 16/09/2022 14:11
The cheek. Treats you like shit but happy enough to use you to get full bed and board for £50 a week though, eh?
Of course she can "afford" to be less "tight", all her money, bar the above, is disposable income. She is sounds incredibly immature and I'd also say naive because if she had an ounce of cunning, she'd be nice because she has an incredibly good deal going with you and why would she want to rock that boat?
She is treating you appallingly. I know it's your daughter but no one should have to put up with that. It's your home that YOU pay for and you receive neither appropriate financial remuneration nor respect in return for allowing her to come back full time and it's clear it will ruin your relationship with your son if it continues.
Absolutely tell her she has to go. Pick a date and stick by it.
Also 💐
AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2022 14:18
Sunnyqueen · 16/09/2022 14:10
The ipad thing yeah that was a bit shady. But the trainers things sweet that she did that. And I mean if the only reason you said no was because they were expensive then she is right in a sense shes not as tight as you as she has bought them for him 🤷♀️
She's right that the the Op is tight? The OP is a single mother running a house and providing for two of her children (and I include the daughter in this, she can afford to not be "tight" while her mother is propping her up with living expensive and only taking a meager sum from her)
Maray1967 · 16/09/2022 14:20
You need to get tough and do it now. There is no way I would tolerate this from my Ds who is 22. As soon as you hear any more unpleasant comments you need to go in and challenge her. This is your house and no one deserves to speak about you like that in your own house. She needs to be given a clear warning that she shows respect or she will be out . What you also need to be ready for, though, is her saying that her brother can come with her. Get a response ready in case she throws that at you.
Billybagpuss · 16/09/2022 14:31
Part of living together as an adult family is the ability to discuss issues, if she’s refusing to discuss issues with you she doesn’t get to enjoy your generosity at such meagre rent. It’s her refusal to engage with you that is as much of an issue as the undermining.
Sago1 · 16/09/2022 14:37
We had a similar situation with our daughter, she is now 38 but this was a year after finishing university..
She played one off against the other with myself and husband, she also set a very bad example to her 11 year old brother, quite frankly her attitude stank.
We gave her 6 weeks notice to move out.
It was the best thing we ever did, she started to work harder in her career and our relationship got better and better.
Noteverybodylives · 16/09/2022 14:43
YABU
Siblings always bitch about their parents behind their backs and she is just sticking up for her brother.
I honestly can’t see how you can be annoyed that she brought him trainers with her own money.
I would be annoyed at the iPad situation but it does sound like you probably are quite controlling which is why she is sticking up for him so much, as she has experienced it herself.
What other things does she do?
As what you’ve said are not good examples.
I’m sure I’ll be in the minority here as many MNers seem to think that as soon as kids hit 16 they should be kicked out to fend for themselves.
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