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To ask dd to cut it out or move out

114 replies

Jokaline · 16/09/2022 10:56

I am a single parent with a 21 yer old dd and 13 year old ds. Dd recently moved back home after finishing university. Since moving back home she is constantly belittling and undermining me with ds.

For example I took his phone and iPad off him last night as he had been rude to a teacher at school but a little while later I found him in his room using hers. When I asked her why she said it’s her iPad and her brother so she can lend it him whenever she wants.

Similarly a couple of weeks ago he asked me for a pair of trainers that were really expensive so I said no as they were too expensive. However a couple of days later she went out and bought them. When I asked why she said that she is not as tight as me.

There are other things as well I have heard her badmouthing me to him and telling him he should ignore me and come to her when she does not think I can hear. It seems like since she moved back from university she is seeking to play me as some awful person to ds and is creating an uncomfortable atmosphere at home. Would I be unreasonable to say she needs to stop or she move out.

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Bpdqueen · 16/09/2022 14:51

Has she mentioned moving out is she saving for a deposit or anything i think you need a chat with her about her future plans, she can't live at home forever and it sounds like she needs a dose of reality.


MikeWozniaksMoustache · 16/09/2022 14:55

She must be earning a hell of a lot money to just buy stuff (trainers - expensive) randomly.
She is paying a pittance in rent, even if only making £1000 a month that’s still £800 to spunk on whatever she wants.

It doesn’t sound like she respects you OP. She’s gone off to uni and came back with an attitude that she knows best. Curiously, are you university educated?

Personally, I’d give her a month, maybe 2 and tell her to leave. It’s not working anymore, and perhaps the shock of actually making it on her own (not with the cradle of uni and student loans supporting her) might give her an attitude adjustment.


Tessasanderson · 16/09/2022 15:01

I cannot believe the people on here saying her buying the trainers was 'nice'. It was spiteful and petty.

If a parent says no to something like that, to be undermined by a sibling is pretty much like challenging the mother to her face. It doesnt matter if its a pair of trainers or a chocolate bar.

Being undermined in your parenting, when you have zero underlying motives is really hurtful


AryaStarkWolf · 16/09/2022 15:04

Noteverybodylives · 16/09/2022 14:43


Siblings always bitch about their parents behind their backs and she is just sticking up for her brother.

I honestly can’t see how you can be annoyed that she brought him trainers with her own money.

I would be annoyed at the iPad situation but it does sound like you probably are quite controlling which is why she is sticking up for him so much, as she has experienced it herself.

What other things does she do?
As what you’ve said are not good examples.

I’m sure I’ll be in the minority here as many MNers seem to think that as soon as kids hit 16 they should be kicked out to fend for themselves.

Oh give over, i have two young adults a 22 year old DD and 18 year DS and they never behaved in that way (and both still live at home shock horror)


saraclara · 16/09/2022 15:17

Next time she's unpleasant to you in front of him, just very calmly say

"you don't seem to like living here with me. Are you regretting coming home? I've heard some of the things you've said to (ds) about me, so I'm confused as to why you wanted to live with me when you left uni"

Then wait. And don't get emotional, don't say you want her out. Just focus on her not being happy with you and how she plans to move forward. Don't give your son any reason to think you're throwing her out. Just use logic, and remain calm and warm.


Jokaline · 16/09/2022 15:58

I am not angry or concerned about the trainers. If it had been on its own then I would never have really thought about it. It’s the way way she knows how to upset me. I love her and always will but she seems to be so hurtful.

OP posts:

carefullycourageous · 16/09/2022 16:06

I think you need to set your boundaries. It is very hard but sometimes with adut children we have to say 'sorry, that is not how it is in this house'. Our rules for our adult kids are really minimal and just amount to ordinary politeness between adults really - but they absolutely are not allowed to interfere with the younger ones being younger ones.

I think you need to say to her that you are putting down a marker and if she continues to undermine you, she will be asked to leave. Explain she is harming her brother and making him unhappy by causing division in the house, so whatever she thinks she is doing to you is also affecting him and your job is to protect him.


Noteverybodylives · 16/09/2022 16:13

Oh give over, i have two young adults a 22 year old DD and 18 year DS and they never behaved in that way (and both still live at home shock horror)

Your kids will absolutely moan about you behind your back.

Grown women come on here to moan about their parents.
It’s completely normal.

I know my DD would pay for something if she knew I couldn’t afford it.
If your kids wouldn’t do this then they sound very selfish.


Cameleongirl · 16/09/2022 16:16

"You don't seem to like living here with me. Are you regretting coming home? I've heard some of the things you've said to (ds) about me, so I'm confused as to why you wanted to live with me when you left uni"

This is a good approach. ^^ You're calling her out on her behavior without criticizing or asking her to change, you're simply asking her for an explanation, i.e., her side of the story. Whatever's bugging her may come pouring out.

If she doesn't respond the first time, ask her again if/when she undermines you. I think she'll answer eventually, although it might not be pleasant to hear whatever's upsetting her.


Cameleongirl · 16/09/2022 16:18

My two (17 and 14) definitely moan about DH and I behind our backs- and sometimes moan about each other to us! It's not the same as undermining a parent though, just having a grumble about certain annoying behaviors.

I tend to save up my grumbles for my BFF, we had a massive grumble fest recently and we both felt better afterwards.


Pixiedust1234 · 16/09/2022 17:35

Jokaline · 16/09/2022 13:33

I have tried speaking to her previously to tell her that her behaviour is upsetting but she makes it clear she doesn’t want to talk or engage. I even have a problem getting her to have dinner as the 3 of us in the evening although she is quite happy to cook for ds and herself provided I am not there.

oh this is not good. Shes trying to bully and ostracise you and that is never nice in your own home, your safe space. She is supposedly an adult and should know this is not acceptable.

Its past the time for her to move out. Tell her, not ask.


Noteverybodylives · 16/09/2022 17:49

oh this is not good. Shes trying to bully and ostracise you and that is never nice in your own home, your safe space.

Some if these replies 😂😂


Jokaline · 17/09/2022 06:21

Pixiedust1234 · 16/09/2022 17:35

oh this is not good. Shes trying to bully and ostracise you and that is never nice in your own home, your safe space. She is supposedly an adult and should know this is not acceptable.

Its past the time for her to move out. Tell her, not ask.

I hadn’t really thought of it as bullying but I suppose it is. I definitely need to sit her down and tell her that her behaviour must change or she has to leave.

OP posts:

LondonWolf · 17/09/2022 06:27

The comments when she thinks I can’t hear are the most upsetting if I am honest.

I'd honestly open the door and say "just passing and heard my name mentioned, what's up?" with a big grin on my face.


wisebear · 17/09/2022 17:09

what was your relationship like before she left for uni ? Was there underlying issues with her beforehand ?


LittleSid · 17/09/2022 17:24

Dear gods, I'm sorry you're going thru this, my dd(21) is also back for the summer and I too feel like I'm being mugged off.
Lots of love to you OP, and I don't think you'd be unreasonable to tell her to bog off.


Butchyrestingface · 17/09/2022 17:37

If she moves out, won't your son just start running off to her new place whenever you tell him something he doesn't like?

Not saying I don't think you should give her her marching orders, btw. Just a thought.


Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 17/09/2022 17:38

Does the £50 include food and all bills? If so she is not even covering what she costs, you would get a council tax discount without her there too.
I would say to her that you cannot afford to subsidise her any longer as you would like to be able to buy DS nice things too. Up the rent to £150/week (still cheap) and see what she does. Time for this birdie to learn to fly on her own.


TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 17/09/2022 17:46

Sunnyqueen · 16/09/2022 14:10

The ipad thing yeah that was a bit shady. But the trainers things sweet that she did that. And I mean if the only reason you said no was because they were expensive then she is right in a sense shes not as tight as you as she has bought them for him 🤷‍♀️

She's tight enough to only pay her mother £50 board. If she paid proper board she wouldn't have the money to buy trainers, but her mother might!! FFS


MedievalNun · 17/09/2022 17:52

Oh hell I feel for you. We only have a singlie but she is also 21 and had been pushing boundaries between her dad and I.

Weirdly, we have found it easier to have conversations in the car, on a journey. Do you ever have to take both your DD and DS in the car at the same time? If so, it might be the perfect time to ask the question suggested by the previous PP - i.e. ‘you don’t seem happy living at home so I’m curious as to why you wish to’ - being in the car means stuck (I’d advise reactivating child locks on the doors in case of a melodramatic flounce out at a traffic light) and with both there, DS gets to both hear her reasons, your response and any bs meltdown.

Other than that, is her father in the picture at all? If so, would it be possible for her to stay with him for a period, to get things to settle down?

Unfortunately, it may be that for everyone’s sake, she might have to find her own place. And if she threatens to take DS with her, you calmly state that he is welcome to visit at times agreed with you, but he won’t be living with her - as legally, she would have all the hassle of court for that, and the novelty of caring for a 13-yr old, 24:7 would soon wear off; she won’t have a social life to start with.

Sending a hug, this cannot be easy. 🌹


menopausalbloat · 17/09/2022 17:56

I asked my son to leave when he was 25. I won't go into the long reason why but it did him the world of good. Your son is going to start asserting his independence soon and having your daughter undermine you to him, is going to make your life absolute hell. Nip it in the bud now before it gets too out of hand.


Lunificent · 17/09/2022 17:59

As this is affecting your mental health, she needs to go. Give her a time scale to move out.


RedHelenB · 17/09/2022 18:19

It's frest that the siblings are so close. Have an adult conversation with her about how her actions are not in her brothers best interests long term. And listen to her take on things, it may be he tells her things about how he's feeling that he doesn't share with you


StoneofDestiny · 17/09/2022 18:21

Tell her, don't ask.


Itsbeenabadday · 17/09/2022 18:23

Sounds like the issue here is some resentment she is holding towards you. I would sit her down and ask her what you have done that's annoyed her or is there anything in particular about you that is bothering herm hear her out, listen carefully. Don't be reactive, correct her perspective or apologise as appropriate. Once the air has cleared then discuss why you don't want her to undermine your paretning and make it clear you are trying your best and her behaviour is unhelpful. If she cannot accept that then suggest she moves out as regardless of her being an adult she has to abide by some basic courtesy in your home as you would in hers. Good luck OP x

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