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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH won't move because he has to travel a bit further

119 replies

ChickpeaStew23 · 15/09/2022 23:08

AIBU - I’ve wanted to live in the countryside (Devon / Cornwall ideally) and run a self catering cottage/s for as long as I can remember. I’ve always dreamt of bringing my children up in a more rural way of life, and having my horses in the garden. I’m financially able to now do this (inheritance, sadly), and either buy somewhere with said business, or somewhere smaller where I would no longer need to work, and OH could work less. This is of course area dependent - some places are waaay out of our price range to be able to do that. However, he is now unwilling to move because the area means he has to travel further to do his hobby, which is something he does once a week. Currently he often travels up to 2.5 hours to do this. The area I’m looking in would turn this into 3 / 3.5. To be clear, there is absolutely no other reason he doesn’t want to move (work, family etc) and has said he is up for moving as there is nothing keeping us here. Places which are closer to his hobby, would mean a more expensive house and not a total lifestyle change as both of us would need to keep our jobs. AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable for not compromising on 1 - 2 hours of extra travel there and back once a week? A cheaper house would mean we could live mortgage free and we’re in our early 30s (we live in a very expensive area currently). We could also potentially buy a property to let too, so we would be financially secure. I understand that I want my hobby in the garden so why should that take priority over his hobby, and I’m trying to see his perspective, but….

OP posts:
anotherpotoftea · 15/09/2022 23:17

How long have you been together?

Original poster
ChickpeaStew23 · 15/09/2022 23:20

anotherpotoftea · 15/09/2022 23:17

How long have you been together?

10 years!

OP posts:
talknomore · 15/09/2022 23:23

Not enough details to answer your question. Such as what is the said "hobby".

DenholmElliot1 · 15/09/2022 23:24

He's happy where he is. If anyone is being unreasonable its you, sorry.

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 15/09/2022 23:26

YABVU. Moving house is a two yes situation.

Also, we don't want you or your holiday lets in Cornwall. Feck off.

CavernousScream · 15/09/2022 23:28

can his hobby only be done in one place? Surely he could just switch venues.

Juicelooseabootthehoose · 15/09/2022 23:28

It's all well and good saying you went to live in Devon but whereabouts do you live now? If you say something like Newcastle, I can kind of see his point!

Keyansier · 15/09/2022 23:28

I would hate to live in Devon or Cornwall for the complete lack of anything to do there and would gladly spend more on a house to be away from those areas and the people. But that's just my personal opinion.

You could both compromise and move somewhere that's still 2.5 hours away from his hobby but you want to move to Devon/Cornwall because it's your lifelong dream. It's not his.

He's pretty stupid to not jump at the chance of being mortgage free so young. But...countryside...sheesh.

MintJulia · 15/09/2022 23:28

If he wanted to move somewhere rural he would not be resisting over a hobby and an extra hour or two a week. If the move meant he could work less, why worry about an extra two hours?

It seems far more likely that he does not want to move to a retirement-type lifestyle in his 30s, and would far rather live in town. Or he doesn't want to ease off his career. It sounds like you just want different things from life.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2022 23:29

How rural is it? Teenagers generally do not like rural because they can't just hang out with their mates.

What do you expect him to do all day whilst you tend to your horses, and fulfil your dream.

AuntieStella · 15/09/2022 23:32

He doesn't want to move.

You do.

Both POV are perfectly valid. Neither of you is being unreasonable.

What you now need to do is work out if your plans are ones that can be taken forward together in any shape or form (which sounds unlikely, given the importance to you and that not being even remotely similar for him)

So if not, would you want to do it anyhow. It's your inheritance, after all

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/09/2022 23:33

I think you're romanticising a lifestyle. Living rurally can be really really shit.

I don't live all that rural but we have one train an hour so drive if we want to get anywhere. It's single winding carriageway for about 15 miles so if you get stuck behind someone and the other lane is busy then it can add at least an extra 30 minutes to your journey time until you hit dual carriageway....

Have you been to these locations and stayed more than a weekend/fortnight?

TimeForTeaAndG · 15/09/2022 23:36

Oh and one year it snowed so badly here it took us 20 minutes to go a normally 5 minute journey to avoid the steep hills and not skid out on junctions. Great fun...in labour 😬

Original poster
ChickpeaStew23 · 16/09/2022 06:52

I'm not meaning the middle of nowhere - edge of a village with a primary school, a few miles from a big town!
Those saying he doesn't want to move - I found a place as a joke the other day which was up north and much more in the ar*e end of nowhere than any place we've talked about before, and it was closer to 3 places where he could do his hobby but there was no work for him. He really wanted to go and view it. So when I say it's about travel distance to his hobby, it really is!

OP posts:
JangolinaPitt · 16/09/2022 06:56

YABU because any reason he gives not to move is valid.

Lemons1571 · 16/09/2022 07:02

What kind of area do you live in now? How big a change of lifestyle would it be? If you want to move say from Somerset to Devon, I would think he’s a hit unreasonable to balk at an extra bit of time on the M5. However if it’s a complete lifestyle change and you’re currently in London then I wouldn’t do it.

Also very difficult if the reality of the lifestyle doesn’t match your expectations. Would you have enough funds to move back, if house prices rocketed in your current expensive area?

ChrisTrepidation · 16/09/2022 07:02

You want your hobby in the garden, he doesn't want his three hours away!

I can see it from both sides tbh. I don't think either of you is in the wrong, you just want different things.

Speaking as a fellow horse girl...I'd probably leave my marriage to have my ponies in my garden but that might be a bit of a extreme view.

Whinge · 16/09/2022 07:02

He really wanted to go and view it. So when I say it's about travel distance to his hobby, it really is!

Is there a reason why you're so set on Cornwall / Devon, for example family in the area? If he's happy to move, but wants it to be somewhere which makes it easier to persue his hobby then perhaps considering other areas which meet both requirement is the way forward.

Mushroomlady · 16/09/2022 07:04

YABVU. It has to work for a both of you. You sound very judgey and dismissive of his hobby.

Mouthfulofquiz · 16/09/2022 07:04

@Keyansier nothing to do in Devon and Cornwall? What an odd thing to say. Also, what’s wrong with the people here? I think we’re quite nice. If a little easily trickable into replying to your goady post!

Willyoujustbequiet · 16/09/2022 07:05

Your idea makes perfect sense to me but then I live fairly rurally. I don't understand a couple of replies about the countryside.....lived in a city for uni and hated it. I couldn't wait to escape the noise and dirt and give my kids a healthier life.

eighteenmonthstogo · 16/09/2022 07:16

Goodness me there is a lot of ignorance about the countryside on this thread.

It might surprise you but we do actually have social lives and so do our kids !

Having had 7 teenagers I can assure you that I never once had them moan about not being able to see their mates . In fact if anything it's made them all a lot more independent and resourceful than friends from the city who are completely flummoxed if everything is not immediately available to them.

They learned the bus /train system from an early age and made it a priority to learn to drive by 17. A really important life skill. When younger they also used their imaginations to create fun with friends and neighbours. Rather than relying on manufactured entertainment in town. It also helps that 'the back of nowhere' is actually, often a much friendlier place than the city . A place where I never once said more than good morning to my neighbour.

I absolutely understand why you want to bring you kids up in the country OP. For me it was a complete hard line and it has been as wonderful as I thought it would be.

My only advice is do not fixate on Devon and Cornwall. (and another holiday let is not going to endear you to the locals !) There are so many more places to explore. The UK is still somewhere between 88-95% pasture/arable/forest so there is plenty to choose from if you look for a compromise.

DDivaStar · 16/09/2022 07:26

He is perfectly entitled to want to hacecaccess to his hobby. Why are you so set on Devon and Cornwall? Surely the compromise would be to look at other areas.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 16/09/2022 07:30

Life is about compromise. Start compromising.

NCHammer2022 · 16/09/2022 07:37

I wouldn’t want to move to Devon or Cornwall in my early 30s either for plenty of what I’m sure you’d consider spurious reasons so I’ve got some sympathy. Most reasons for not wanting to make a huge life change are fairly valid imo.

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