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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

OH won't move because he has to travel a bit further

119 replies

ChickpeaStew23 · 15/09/2022 23:08

AIBU - I’ve wanted to live in the countryside (Devon / Cornwall ideally) and run a self catering cottage/s for as long as I can remember. I’ve always dreamt of bringing my children up in a more rural way of life, and having my horses in the garden. I’m financially able to now do this (inheritance, sadly), and either buy somewhere with said business, or somewhere smaller where I would no longer need to work, and OH could work less. This is of course area dependent - some places are waaay out of our price range to be able to do that. However, he is now unwilling to move because the area means he has to travel further to do his hobby, which is something he does once a week. Currently he often travels up to 2.5 hours to do this. The area I’m looking in would turn this into 3 / 3.5. To be clear, there is absolutely no other reason he doesn’t want to move (work, family etc) and has said he is up for moving as there is nothing keeping us here. Places which are closer to his hobby, would mean a more expensive house and not a total lifestyle change as both of us would need to keep our jobs. AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable for not compromising on 1 - 2 hours of extra travel there and back once a week? A cheaper house would mean we could live mortgage free and we’re in our early 30s (we live in a very expensive area currently). We could also potentially buy a property to let too, so we would be financially secure. I understand that I want my hobby in the garden so why should that take priority over his hobby, and I’m trying to see his perspective, but….

OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 16/09/2022 10:11

I bet this mysterious “hobby” is watching a football club.

Crikeyalmighty · 16/09/2022 10:15

@Aposterhasnoname I did wonder that too- like they live in London and he goes to Liverpool matches etc! But then she did say there were a couple of other places he could go to- so maybe not football watching

xogossipgirlxo · 16/09/2022 10:18

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 15/09/2022 23:26

YABVU. Moving house is a two yes situation.

Also, we don't want you or your holiday lets in Cornwall. Feck off.

Are you OK? 🙄

OP, looks like your priorities changed over these years. Maybe your dream isn't his dream anymore? Maybe he said yes at first and then had a bit of thinking and doesn't want to abandon his current life? You need an honest talk about where you are.

Atmywitsend29 · 16/09/2022 10:18

Op you seem to have a very romanticised view of more rural living. We live in a village with a local shop and a primary school. It's brilliant.
However there are also huge downsides, the really really shit internet for one, the fact that when it rains too hard we are cut off by floods, if it snows we can't get out of (or into!) The village, in gale force winds like we've had recently the village has been regularly cut off by downed trees, we get frequent power cuts, squirrels chew thru the lines on the mobile masts more often than is funny, there is little to do for teen-agers, our friend has horses and someone still has to be out there at 6am to turn out the horses and muck out no matter what the weather or how crappy you feel,
I love our life but you have to go into it with your eyes wide open, and it certainly isn't for everyone.
Sounds like his eyes are open, and it's not for him.

Also, you're talking about moving to heavily touristy area that's being decimated by holiday lets.

youlightupmyday · 16/09/2022 10:21

Surely there are other locations that suit you both?

moonypadfootprongs · 16/09/2022 10:31

The last thing devon and cornwall need are more incomers and their bloody holiday lets!!!
We have more than enough already. Your dream will force another family/families out of their homes and area.

Booklover3 · 16/09/2022 10:59

What’s his hobby OP?

HumbleApe · 16/09/2022 11:12

I'm going for white water canoeing

Tierne · 16/09/2022 11:16

Urgh. Becoming a BTL LL in Cornwall via inheritance money

giveovernate · 16/09/2022 11:22

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 15/09/2022 23:26

YABVU. Moving house is a two yes situation.

Also, we don't want you or your holiday lets in Cornwall. Feck off.

Unfortunately you don't get to run Cornwall, so that's not your choice.

DoingJustFine · 16/09/2022 11:25

This country really isn't very big. So could you not find a rural place closer to his hobby? It'd be 2.5 hours away from where you currently live, so is there anywhere suitable found there?

I totally understand your feelings here, by the way. Someone refusing to do a life-changing move because of an 30% raise in driving to get to their hobby seems nuts.

Imagine if you did a reverse on this. AIBU to refuse my DH's lifelong ambition, and become mortgage-free, because it'd make me further away from my sewing circle?

I think you're Aldi probably feeling ragey because your inheritance gave you freedom to do what you wanted, and now your DH is removing that freedom. I bet you feel slightly trapped? I would.

ChickpeaStew23 · 16/09/2022 11:37

moonypadfootprongs · 16/09/2022 10:31

The last thing devon and cornwall need are more incomers and their bloody holiday lets!!!
We have more than enough already. Your dream will force another family/families out of their homes and area.

We are not planning to buy up half of the countryside and turn it into holiday lets. Im talking about buying a ready made business which has self catering accommodation, not building it myself.

OP posts:
ChickpeaStew23 · 16/09/2022 11:38

DoingJustFine · 16/09/2022 11:25

This country really isn't very big. So could you not find a rural place closer to his hobby? It'd be 2.5 hours away from where you currently live, so is there anywhere suitable found there?

I totally understand your feelings here, by the way. Someone refusing to do a life-changing move because of an 30% raise in driving to get to their hobby seems nuts.

Imagine if you did a reverse on this. AIBU to refuse my DH's lifelong ambition, and become mortgage-free, because it'd make me further away from my sewing circle?

I think you're Aldi probably feeling ragey because your inheritance gave you freedom to do what you wanted, and now your DH is removing that freedom. I bet you feel slightly trapped? I would.

Exactly this!!

OP posts:
ChickpeaStew23 · 16/09/2022 11:40

@toastofthetown I'm talking 2 hours into London and back each day, so 4 hours of travelling. Every day. 5 days per week.

OP posts:
Melonymelony · 16/09/2022 11:40

Is it football? We have an invisible tether to a home ground 🙄

Hill1991 · 16/09/2022 11:44

Not sure if it's been suggested but you want Devon/Cornwall how about Somerset probably cheaper than Cornwall and closer to his hobby

saraclara · 16/09/2022 11:47

From whose family is the inheritance?

I'm not sure whether that should factor in to the decision, but I suspect it kind of might.
If it was my side of the family I'd struggle not to think that my partner should appreciate his luck on our change of lifestyle, and had it been my DH's side I'd have felt that, unless a major issue, I should be the one to compromise.

Wattleanddaub · 16/09/2022 12:00

Bet it's potholing. Or white water canoeing as @HumbleApe suggested

iklboo · 16/09/2022 12:10

@Paq - I think I luffs you 😂

NotaCoolMum · 16/09/2022 12:12

EscapeRoomToTheSun · 15/09/2022 23:26

YABVU. Moving house is a two yes situation.

Also, we don't want you or your holiday lets in Cornwall. Feck off.

Oh my God @EscapeRoomToTheSun - you are incredibly rude.

JorisBonson · 16/09/2022 12:13

Your OP is "I I I I I. I want, I need". There's 2 of you in this relationship.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 16/09/2022 12:18

Have you tried googling for locations he can do his hobby, then seeing within a 2 hour drive of those places where you could afford property you want and he can still work? Try find a place that's good enough for both your needs.

Paq · 16/09/2022 12:37

@iklboo just telling it how it is 😉

HangOnToYourself · 16/09/2022 12:50

There must be somewhere newer to his hobby you could buy that would give you what you want

dammit88 · 16/09/2022 13:39

YABU. You are asking him to uproot his whole life to have everything YOU want. He doesn't want to. You sound very selfish.

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