OH won't move because he has to travel a bit further

[ChickpeaStew23]

AIBU - I’ve wanted to live in the countryside (Devon / Cornwall ideally) and run a self catering cottage/s for as long as I can remember. I’ve always dreamt of bringing my children up in a more rural way of life, and having my horses in the garden. I’m financially able to now do this (inheritance, sadly), and either buy somewhere with said business, or somewhere smaller where I would no longer need to work, and OH could work less. This is of course area dependent - some places are waaay out of our price range to be able to do that. However, he is now unwilling to move because the area means he has to travel further to do his hobby, which is something he does once a week. Currently he often travels up to 2.5 hours to do this. The area I’m looking in would turn this into 3 / 3.5. To be clear, there is absolutely no other reason he doesn’t want to move (work, family etc) and has said he is up for moving as there is nothing keeping us here. Places which are closer to his hobby, would mean a more expensive house and not a total lifestyle change as both of us would need to keep our jobs. AIBU to think that he is being unreasonable for not compromising on 1 - 2 hours of extra travel there and back once a week? A cheaper house would mean we could live mortgage free and we’re in our early 30s (we live in a very expensive area currently). We could also potentially buy a property to let too, so we would be financially secure. I understand that I want my hobby in the garden so why should that take priority over his hobby, and I’m trying to see his perspective, but….

eighteenmonthstogo

I disagree, I find city teenagers do not cope well with rural living, nor for that matter many adults.

Mine love where they live but it is a different world.

Imagine driving on the M5 or A30 to get to your hobby😂

Last time l went to Cornwall the M5 and A30 were just one long traffic jam.

To add some balance, I currently travel 7 hours over the week to look after my horses if you look at it in travel time (or I have to pay someone to do them for me). He currently travels around 5 hours in 1 day or stays over now, so it is only the extra bit

I don't think this is quite making the point you think it is. Presumably you visit the horses daily, so that's 30mins in each direction each day. Or, less than most people commute to work. Yet you think that's harder than 5hrs in a single day?

I think you need to sit down and discuss your priorities together.
You mention children - do you think he’ll continue his hobby once you have kids? If it’s taking up a lot of time, it’s something to consider - you don’t want to move for his hobby, then he gives it up when you have kids.
You talk about reducing hours/not working - have you thought through what this means in your 30s? It’s amazing to have a chance to be mortgage free or on a low mortgage but if you don’t work, do you have enough to cover you for your living costs and pensions forever? I’d work, perhaps in a less stressful job or less hours, but I’d want to be contributing a lot into savings/pension. The work questions might impact where you live.

I am sure there is some compromise that gives you both what you want but I think there’s some pretty major decisions and thinking to be done.

Maybe let us know what the hobby is and posters in Devon and Cornwall may be able to say whether this particular hobby is available

What's the hobby?

Well given it's adding about an hour to his hobby trip it's not going to be THAT far is it?!

@ChickpeaStew23 if this has always been your dream and you're going to get so much out of the move & your inheritance (Sorry 💐) is funding it, I think he's being a selfish idiot, saying he won't go because it'll take an extra hour for his hobby once a week.

I hope you have & will 'ring fence' your inheritance & previous house investment.
do what's best for you & yours, he can come or not!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please don’t run a holiday let in Devon of Cornwall! There’s a massive housing crisis with so many families stuck in temporary accommodation because all of the rentals have been turned into holiday let’s, you’ll become part of a huge problem.

I’m very curious about what this hobby is now! 🤣

Oooh, another mystery "hobby"! Haven't read one of these in awhile. MN at its best. 😁

This is true in many beautiful rural areas

I can't focus on the issue until I know what the hobby is!

I think that adding two hours of travel to a one day hobby every week is quite a lot. Psychologically, I think it's quite different to having to do 7 hours over a week. You are both allowed to have your preferences and needs and you are allowed to want what you want, but if his hobby is really important to him I don't think he's being especially unreasonable.

Neither of you is being unreasonable

The move obviously has a lot of advantages for you but not for him so I can totally understand why he is less keen

If you can choose a different rural area which has property for similar (or lower) prices than Devon which would be a shorter travel distance for his hobby then that would seem like a good compromise

I'm also intrigued what the hobby is!
I'm glad I run I can do that from my doorstep.

Back to topic I think maybe compromise is needed. However also bear in mind the extra work involved (childcare, housework, garden, holiday let arrangements - if you go down that route etc) for you, OP if he is out for extended periods of time to pursue the hobby.(or tired after driving 7 hours!) A lot of hobbies can cause resentment when the other partner is picking up the slack at home, or does not get time to follow their own interests.

I think you’re being a bit selfish

you want to move your hobby will be in your doorstep. That means his will be a very long way away. You’re justifying this by saying at the moment your cumulative travel to yours is the same as his will be in the future ON ONE DAY.

partnership means compromise. All I’m seeing is you getting what you want and sod him.

Rude

Lucky to even have a train. In Devon most likely won’t be the case.

I live semi rural (rural setting, but near a major city) to try and get the best of both but honestly sometimes feel we get the worst of both.

bad roads, I public transport having to hit the main rat runs to get into the city.

That wasn't really the main point I was trying to make, more that he currently is more than willing to travel 5 hours in a day at present, yet an extra bit on top of that is a dealbreaker against a complete lifestyle change for the whole family & the financial security that would come with a move away from where we are now. I work with people who travel into the city at 2+ hours every day, so perhaps have a different perception of long travels.

He doesn't want the move. It really doesn't matter whether his reason is "good enough". It's like having another baby; if both people don't want it, it doesn't happen, no matter whether the reason someone doesn't want it is a "good" reason or not.

You have the information you need now; this plan doesn't work for him. So you can decide whether you compromise and modify it, or do it without him.

If you are in London or the Home Counties, why not look at other more rural places in sussex, wilts, Hampshire , bucks, berks etc- it's still possible to get places that would work and sometimes for not much difference to Cornwall/Dorset/Devon or also consider other areas where he could do this hobby but are better connected workwise, but could still work for you too- be that Worcestershire, somerset , Gloucestershire, Warwick's etc- Devon/Cornwall are lovely but can be a fag to get to and he's obviously not keen- so at this stage in your life I think you need to think sideways - maybe further down the road it may be more possible.

That’s not a small difference though. It’s an extra 33% onto an already very long journey. And if that’s his boundary, that’s his boundary. Your example of 2+ hours of travel a day still isn’t anywhere near 7 hours in a day. Plus the time to do the hobby.

Oh there is considerable resentment towards my hobby at present as I have to go out most evenings! Problem solved if they're in the garden

I reckon it's going to be something like drag racing- something that requires a specific track etc!!

he currently is more than willing to travel 5 hours in a day at present, yet an extra bit on top of that is a dealbreaker against a complete lifestyle change for the whole family & the financial security that would come with a move away from where we are now.

But you can have that complete lifestyle change and financial security by moving somewhere that also takes into account the travel distance for his hobby. If you have no ties and can move anywhere I don't understand why you're unwilling to consider his travel time when looking at locations and properties.