To worry my friend is wasting her fertility

[Friendworried]

We are 35. Up until last year she was focused on having a baby alone, having been single for 7 years and was starting to look into it and said it was definitely what she wanted.

She now has a boyfriend (he’s early 40s). He’s still married but 100% separated and they have been away together etc.

Before she met him, she was very straight forward and said at our age she’d want to move quickly and not waste time.

Its been a year and for the first 9 months, she didn’t even want to ask if they were exclusive. She’s said they’ve spoken about moving in / buying together but don’t know where and so it’s on the back burner. They both currently own but she won’t move into his because it was his home with his ex wife and says hers is too small.

She said he said if she got pregnant by accident he would ‘move to Timbuktu’. And that she’s not worried, she just wants to travel and has at least another 7 years to have kids. Overall though, she seems really happy and I know she’s wanted a boyfriend for so long. She’s recently met his parents and he’s met hers so he’s clearly somewhat serious.

It’s none of my business and I would never say anything but basically I don’t trust him. I feel like at his age and with a marriage behind him, he knows if he wants children or not and it’s not fair to waste a mid 30s woman’s time if he doesn’t want them or doesn’t want them soon.

I know AIBU but I struggled to TTC for a while and wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone, especially if she can avoid it.

Not your monkey, not your uterus, not your circus.

People change their minds.

@EerieSilence i know. I know it’s none of my business but up until they met, being a mum was her biggest priority, to the point she was planning to do it alone.

Not your monkey, not your uterus, not your circus.

Yes, true, and it's not really the OP's business, but I don't think it's unusual to have private concerns about something that might cause a friend pain down the line.

I am privately concerned about a couple of my friends, but I keep that to myself. I am and will always be there with an open ear, a glass of wine and a hug but I don't give advice or my opinion unless it's solicited.

I hear you OP, your looking out for your friend and I don’t think your being unreasonable actually. Fertility isn’t age reliant for men in the same way it is for women. If their values aren’t aligned re. Family life he shouldn’t waste her limited time. Fertility is finite for women it’s an unavoidable truth.

Maybe she's changed her mind.

There have been many stories on Mumsnet of women who were strung along by their partners until it was too late. I would be concerned for a friend in this situation, unless she really had changed her mind for her own reasons (i.e. not because of him).

Given that he's stated he'd move to Timbuktu if she got pregnant, she's not being remotely strung along.

Fair enough!

I agree with you if I had to bet on this I'd say it's not going to end with him and her happily ever after work children.
If she was my best friend in the whole world I may be tempted to say to her once and once only that if children are her first priority then she needs to factor that in, if a relationship is her first priority then crack on it sounds good.

YANBU to be worried

Some women fall into the trap of relationships in later life, hoping they'll talk the partner round to having kids

He seems to be up front and not leading her on, but that doesn't mean she doesn't believe he will have kids with her willingly.

I'd have a chat with her in your shoes OP, having a child was so important and then all of a sudden it's not a priority is a big change and one most take a long time to come to, or at least discuss with friends along the way

I’m divorced and have an 8 year old with my ex. We spilt 6 years ago.

a couple of years ago I looked into seriously going it alone for another baby. I attended clinics and got the facts and figures to get started but I decided to wait a few more years to see if someone might come along before I went down that road. I got to a point where although having more children was my number 1 dream, I remember saying to myself if a dream man came along who didn’t want (more) kids I’d be ok with that knowing I’m in a wonderful relationship.

It could be that her focus for what she wants has changed, it could be that she’s hoping he’ll change his mind, or that she’s just hoping when ttc happens it’ll happen (which it still could just happen).

ttc is SUCH a personal matter, I’m privately worried for a friend who wants more with ivf but is in her 40s, but there’s no way of telling that concern without possibly upsetting the situation.

The fact your friend has gone down the go it alone route, chances are she’s hyper aware of time not being on her side, any possible red flags between them she’ll be well aware of even if she wants to pretend she isn’t.

only way you can bring it up would be very casually in conversation to just check she’s got her eyes open about it all saying something along the lines of “gosh look where you’ve come from from going it alone with a baby to getting serious with X, have you discussed babies with him, I can imagine you must have knowing as you do about how long these things can take at our/your age”?
Hopefully it would open a point in the conversation to see where she’s at so you don’t have to say it directly to her.

You're out of order blaming him. How can you say he is stringing her along? He's made it clear he doesn't want kids I'd say. If anything it sounds like your friend is not the one being truthful. Has she told him how much she wanted a child?

If she is a good friend, then surely there is no harm in asking her if she has changed her mind about children.

I often times (and in sure many others do) focus on what we can control and really push things through when we feel out of control with another aspect of our lives.
In a bit of an awkward way I'm saying that maybe she was super focused on having a baby, even on her own, because she was distracting herself from the fact that she didn't have a partner. Now she has what she was actually missing-a happy relationship and partner, she no longer feels the need to push for the baby.

Or maybe she's blinded to him and his lack of commitment because she is clinging to the happiness of just having him for now and maybe in the long term he won't be enough. It's hard to know, but you sound like a great friend and I'm sure you'll support her whatever happens. Open the conversation so it's in her head but don't push. I do think she may have a few good years fertility left. I imagine she won't know until she TTC, but many struggle at younger ages too so age isn't everything.

She can’t assume she has “at least another seven years to have kids”, though. If I were her friend, I’d be tempted to put her straight on that.

Priorities can change when circumstances do. She’s a grown woman that’s capable of making her own decisions in regards to her fertility, on her head be it. It’s not his fault if she decides to hold off on having children. It’s not right to pressure him into having a child he doesn’t want either.

Amen

I'm going to agree with the PP saying priorities change. One of my friend was completely adamant she didn't want kids now she's met someone and is trying.

Your friends priority may have been having a baby before she met this man, you mentioned she wants to travel, was this always the case? Perhaps he's made her realise she wants different things in life now.

I'm not sure why you distrust him about knowing if he wants children or not, he's made it clear he doesn't.

I get you looking out for a friend, and personally I would have the conversation with her in a "what's changed your mind" kinda way. Or perhaps suggesting she had a fertility check to see if she really does have 7 years to have a baby (if that's a thing).

Or perhaps she's hoping for an "accidental" pregnancy before he moves to Timbucktu

but basically I don’t trust him.

Maybe I missed something, but nowhere in your post does it say that he's said he wants children. Quite the opposite, in fact, given his comments on accidental pregnancy. So what do you think he is lying about?

In the picture you paint of both of them, if either turn out to be nefarious, it sounds like it's more likely to be her, via an accidental pregnancy.

I think she’s just so happy to have a boyfriend that she doesn’t want to rock the boat by moving things forward when he’s happy to take it slow.

Which is fine, as long as they last and she isn’t left without the one thing she really wanted plus no him.

I know she can’t pressure him but I just think in your 30s and 40s there should be a clear where is this going / are we on the same page chat without worrying one person is going to get spooked.

I know it’s none of my business and I can’t interfere, I just hope that he’s in it for the long run (kids or no kids) and isn’t delaying moving in together because to him it’s not a long term thing.

@Getoff i don’t not trust him about wanting kids. I just don’t trust him in general, she knows he still speaks to his ex wife and meets up with her (from checking his phone) but says he’s somewhere else if she asks him oh what did you do on Sunday.

He’s always perfectly nice but there’s just something off about him. The niceness doesn’t seem real.

It sounds like he’s been honest with her that he doesn’t want kids any time soon. It’s her decision to make, he isn’t stringing her along.

He might be wasting her time but I think if she really wanted children, she wouldn’t be talking about having them in 7 years time.

I dunno OP…

i am 36 and still feel like I have a good couple of years before I need to knuckle down and conceive..

but maybe I am deluded??

Tell me if so Mumsnet!

im just really enjoying my thirties and not keen at this point to give it all up for a newborn!

Of course you're deluded

Fertility takes a big hit after 35

And don't even look at the stats for 38+