To worry my friend is wasting her fertility

[Friendworried]

We are 35. Up until last year she was focused on having a baby alone, having been single for 7 years and was starting to look into it and said it was definitely what she wanted.

She now has a boyfriend (he’s early 40s). He’s still married but 100% separated and they have been away together etc.

Before she met him, she was very straight forward and said at our age she’d want to move quickly and not waste time.

Its been a year and for the first 9 months, she didn’t even want to ask if they were exclusive. She’s said they’ve spoken about moving in / buying together but don’t know where and so it’s on the back burner. They both currently own but she won’t move into his because it was his home with his ex wife and says hers is too small.

She said he said if she got pregnant by accident he would ‘move to Timbuktu’. And that she’s not worried, she just wants to travel and has at least another 7 years to have kids. Overall though, she seems really happy and I know she’s wanted a boyfriend for so long. She’s recently met his parents and he’s met hers so he’s clearly somewhat serious.

It’s none of my business and I would never say anything but basically I don’t trust him. I feel like at his age and with a marriage behind him, he knows if he wants children or not and it’s not fair to waste a mid 30s woman’s time if he doesn’t want them or doesn’t want them soon.

I know AIBU but I struggled to TTC for a while and wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone, especially if she can avoid it.

Yet 90 per cent of women 39 and under will fall pregnant within 2 yrs of actively TTC.

Decline and peak are interesting things that people frequently misunderstand (sometimes wilfully) .... For example peak oil was decades ago, yet theodt if the world is still running on oil.

However she doesn't have 7 yrs.

She has about 4/5 before she might struggle, if her fertility is average. If it is less than average ....

40 plus is also not a wonderful age for a father TTC either .. that's why clinics won't usually take donor sperm from men over 39.

All of these hugely defensive remarks from posters about how fulfilling their lives are without children are pointless. It's wonderful that you're all enjoying your child-free lives, truly, but the OP's friend has clearly expressed a strong desire for children in her life, so much so that she was recently considering doing the whole thing alone. She wants children, mistakenly thinks this man will give them to her, and the OP is right to have concerns for her.

Yet 90 per cent of women 39 and under will fall pregnant within 2 yrs of actively TTC.

"Fall pregnant" though - rather than carry to term, in all those cases?

That, I don't know.

It was in the NHS fertility page for a long time and the fullterm "success" of the pregnancies was not cited (nor did I look into it).

I'm not sure if it's still on the page.

Perhaps there are fullterm stats out there for different age groups.

Of course as usual they'll completely ignore the father's age, even though it has an impact too.

It might be hard to quantify - because some miscarriages are so early as not to be identified as miscarriages, some miscarriages would not be reported to any medical professional - because they needed no management and the woman preferred not to report ....it would take a large study, with participants, tracking the progress of pregnancies in different age groups.
And they'd have to have to factor in father's age and any other miscarriage risks.

Sorry, to be clearer, there are obviously statistics available on risk of miscarriage by women's age, but I'm not sure if you can just apply the risk by age band to each group within the 90 per cent aged 39 and under, I'm not sure if it's as simple as that (?)

@LemonDrop22

IVF stats are good for that as they show live birth rates

For women over 40 it's shockingly low

2019 live birth rates U.K. -

•	32% for women under 35
•	25% for women aged 35 to 37
•	19% for women aged 38 to 39
•	11% for women aged 40 to 42
•	5% for women aged 43 to 44
•	4% for women aged over 44

Useful, but I'm wondering re women who've had to have IVF to conceive less likely to carry full term for any reason (?)

@LemonDrop22

Most IVF cases are for male factor infertility, so that wouldn't usually be the case

I’ve just turned 36 and this thread makes me even more certain to TTC from next month after my wedding.
I already have one DC but that was several years ago. We are waiting for a house sale to go through which is slow as hell and we didn’t want to risk giving birth in our tiny rented house but now I think I just need to get on with TTC.

It's not unconscious bias, it's that by the sounds of things OP's friend was previously very focused on having children and then abruptly changed her mind. I'm happily single and childless, but would still be very concerned if a friend who'd really wanted kids for ages got a new boyfriend who wasn't keen and suddenly announced that she was fine with not having any after all. Especially if she was brushing it off with remarks about how she could always change her mind back again and decide to have them in her 40s. Of course it's possible that she really has decided she doesn't want children anymore - perhaps the guy has opened her eyes to new possibilities, or she wanted a child because she felt lonely and her new partner has filled that gap - but it's not unreasonable to want to check

You’re not unreasonable for being genuinely concerned for a friend and I think it’s nice that you care

Other posts are correct she could of just changed her mind

Or maybe she is so caught up in this relationship that she is pushing her dream of being a mother to the back of her mind

Fertility does start to decline unfortunately as you get older and although there are so many woman in their late 30’s and 40’s having babies you are more likely to experience fertility problems and miscarriage

I do not think there is anything wrong with having a private chat with your friend. I wouldn’t even mention her partner I would just say you are concerned as she always wanted to be a mum and you do not want her to not have her dream if that’s what she truly wants. Some will say no don’t do that stay out of it but I’ve been through something in my life that my friends all told me after they wanted to warn me I was being blindsited and still to this day I wish they would of told me they were concerned

I think it's reasonable to be concerned as from a medical standpoint ideally she would have a child before 40 (due to fertility/pregnancy risks). However, you could just mention it quite casually to her, you don't even need to make it a big serious talk or say you're worried etc. Just show/send her a link, and say you were looking into fertility rates/ages and you spotted this and thought she might want to know.

You might even want to add, if the conversation continues, that perhaps it's something for her to think about before she makes decisions about her future but say it's totally valid if she chooses to be with someone she isn't sure will ever want kids if she wants to be child-free - or adopt of course.

It's a bit concerning that she's with a man who is still legally married though. And it's less likely for men fresh out of a divorce to marry and have a kid straight away.