To worry my friend is wasting her fertility

[Friendworried]

We are 35. Up until last year she was focused on having a baby alone, having been single for 7 years and was starting to look into it and said it was definitely what she wanted.

She now has a boyfriend (he’s early 40s). He’s still married but 100% separated and they have been away together etc.

Before she met him, she was very straight forward and said at our age she’d want to move quickly and not waste time.

Its been a year and for the first 9 months, she didn’t even want to ask if they were exclusive. She’s said they’ve spoken about moving in / buying together but don’t know where and so it’s on the back burner. They both currently own but she won’t move into his because it was his home with his ex wife and says hers is too small.

She said he said if she got pregnant by accident he would ‘move to Timbuktu’. And that she’s not worried, she just wants to travel and has at least another 7 years to have kids. Overall though, she seems really happy and I know she’s wanted a boyfriend for so long. She’s recently met his parents and he’s met hers so he’s clearly somewhat serious.

It’s none of my business and I would never say anything but basically I don’t trust him. I feel like at his age and with a marriage behind him, he knows if he wants children or not and it’s not fair to waste a mid 30s woman’s time if he doesn’t want them or doesn’t want them soon.

I know AIBU but I struggled to TTC for a while and wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone, especially if she can avoid it.

Yes there does.

Yeah I don't think he wants kids. Maybe being with him is more important to her than kids now? But if it isnt she's making a mistake. I doubt she'll want to hear it though. If she mentions it again maybe suggest it might not be possible if she leaves it years so she can at least realise she's making a choice, but if she chooses to stay with him that's her choice and you need to accept it even knowing if they break up she won't have anything she wants as it's her life to make mistakes with

You can tell her she doesn't have 7 years!

She should get her fertility checked.

Does she maybe have frozen eggs?

It's highly likely she'll end up single and childless.

This is not the silver bullet people seem to think it is.

My friend went down this route and her first cycle produced so few eggs she was advised to freeze embryos instead.

Cue another huge life decision and choosing a sperm donor etc. She's ended up with three frozen embryos.

I can understand your concern. I was given advice time and time again not to wait around if I wanted a family, by people who had waited and then found themselves unable to have children. We started trying when I was 36, 3 years, 3 miscarriages, a speciality clinic and a blood clotting disorder later we finally managed to have a successful pregnancy. Now trying for number 2 at 40 and are back in the cycle of miscarriages. I’ll probably give up at 42, and certainly didn’t find I had 7 good years.

It’s totally her choice but as her friend you are just looking out for her. You may find yourself being a shoulder to cry on - I hope not, but in my experience it’s definitely a possibility.

I know that no vaguely intelligent people believe fertility 'falls off a cliff' after 35 any more

Yes, eyeballing the graph on the first result that came up when I googled, the steep decline actually starts at about age 32. (The accompanying text mentions 35, but that age doesn't look significant in the graph. I guess what they mean is that it has to have fallen for a while before it is significantly lower, so maybe the way to look at it is the fall starts at 32 but has only covered a significant distance by 35.)

www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/at-what-age-does-fertility-begin-to-decrease/

Honestly, more fool her if she doesn’t set down her expectations early. She’s 35 and he’s 40, it’s not outrageous to have an open conversation early and for her to tell him if he’s not ready in say, 2 years, she’ll be going it alone with donor sperm.

But I agree if she’s not being open and honest then she’s playing a dangerous game.

The table on this page is helpful. For example, it says if you want to have a 90% chance of having one child, without fertility treatment, you need to get pregnant by 32.

www.britishfertilitysociety.org.uk/fei/when-should-you-start-trying-to-get-pregnant/

If you want to have a 90% chance of having three children, without fertility treatment, you need to have the first at 23.

Sorry, I misrepresented the ages, those are the ages when you should start trying.

@felulageller

omg! “Single and childless” … what a terrible fate!!

@Getoff

ewww no! Most people have other things to be doing in their early twenties

I think based on these tables that people are sharing on here, having the one child looks a good option

Im in my early 30s, other half is in his 20's, I was desperate for children (worried i was getting too old), him not so much (being that bit younger)
Last year I decided I'd rather have a lifetime with him and no children, than a lifetime with children but without him 🤷🏻‍♀️
However, I had a meltdown one day (I'd seen a toy I would have got said child, and it REALLY upset me) he remarkably changed his tune, just like that.. I got pregnant the following month!

I doubt a woman who was so keen on having a child that she was considering the lengthy, expensive process of going it alone has suddenly "changed her mind!" She's obviously hoping she can talk him round (unlikely, given the Timbuktu remark - he's made his feelings clear) or engineer a 'happy accident'.

I feel terrible for her but she should have been clear at the beginning. I think I had a conversation with my now-DH on our third or fourth date about how keen I was to get married and have children, by my early thirties at the very latest. If he hadnt been on board, I would have ended it, as it would have been a waste of both of our time.

You sound like a lovely friend OP, and I would speak to her about it.

Worse than death according to MN.

I know!

it’s crazy cos all the single and childless women I know have amazing lives

He's been clear about where he stands. It is not unreasonable to not want a baby with someone you've known for a year.

She can wait another year. Then revert to her plan, have a baby with him, not have a baby, whatever..

I'm not single but I am childfree, I wouldn't have my life any other way. I'd have been a terrible mother and just never felt the urge to have children.

It could be that your friend is willing to take a slight gamble with her fertility in order to give her child a father, which would not be the case at all if she went it alone.

Also contrary to popular myth, fertility doesn't just drop off a cliff at 35 but steadily declines.

Oh come on. I'm happily childfree, but clearly the OP's friend has had a strong desire to have kids, so ending up (involuntarily) childless could be pretty heartbreaking for her.

I’m 61 and couldn’t have kids. I started ttc at 29 too. But I’m free of regret. My life is fine just as it is.

And that she’s not worried, she just wants to travel and has at least another 7 years to have kids

Where's she getting that from?

I'm a huge critic of the fake 35 cliff, but even I would say she doesn't have 7 yrs

It's 5 pc chance per month at 40 or so, dropping to 2/3 pc at 42.

And she's also presuming she won't have any fertility problems, any long waits for conception, any pregnancy losses etc etc.

She said he said if she got pregnant by accident he would ‘move to Timbuktu’.

Given how many men in my experience are prone to vague understatement, that's a very strong statement indeed.

He doesn't want kids.

When is that going to change?

Does he already have some? (Sorry if I missed that).

People with kids already little pressing need/motivation to have more.

Conversely if he doesn't, men who get to 40 without kids and say things like the above about having them are perhaps not great candidates for fatherhood in the not too distant future.

Oh and just for reference, if she falls pregnant accidentally (or not) Timbuktu (Mali?) probably does not have reciprocal child maintenance arrangements with the UK. 😉

Last year I decided I'd rather have a lifetime with him and no children, than a lifetime with children but without him

I think this is a really big gamble though, as a woman, if you really want a child to make that sacrifice. You see threads from women who made this choice, then when they are beyond childbearing years, the man leaves her for a younger woman and has a child with her.

Of course some men and women don't want children at all and that would be a totally different situation. But if you give up a child for a man I think you have to consider if it would still be worth it if he left you.