To worry my friend is wasting her fertility

[Friendworried]

We are 35. Up until last year she was focused on having a baby alone, having been single for 7 years and was starting to look into it and said it was definitely what she wanted.

She now has a boyfriend (he’s early 40s). He’s still married but 100% separated and they have been away together etc.

Before she met him, she was very straight forward and said at our age she’d want to move quickly and not waste time.

Its been a year and for the first 9 months, she didn’t even want to ask if they were exclusive. She’s said they’ve spoken about moving in / buying together but don’t know where and so it’s on the back burner. They both currently own but she won’t move into his because it was his home with his ex wife and says hers is too small.

She said he said if she got pregnant by accident he would ‘move to Timbuktu’. And that she’s not worried, she just wants to travel and has at least another 7 years to have kids. Overall though, she seems really happy and I know she’s wanted a boyfriend for so long. She’s recently met his parents and he’s met hers so he’s clearly somewhat serious.

It’s none of my business and I would never say anything but basically I don’t trust him. I feel like at his age and with a marriage behind him, he knows if he wants children or not and it’s not fair to waste a mid 30s woman’s time if he doesn’t want them or doesn’t want them soon.

I know AIBU but I struggled to TTC for a while and wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone, especially if she can avoid it.

Lying about where he is is a HUGE red flag. Id be more concerned about this tbh. This is an immediate issue she can't trust him surely if he lies about something as basic as where he is.

I think you're deluded.

And I don't think anyone is ever truly ready.

Don't take your fertility for granted. And by mid 30s, you need to crack on with ttc or really risk not having a family. It took me 2 years to get pregnant first time in my early 30s and then I miscarried, but conceived easily and had two DCs after that. My advice is to get on with it and I would say that to a close friend (if they asked)

I think worries about him as a person are more important than worries about her fertility.

I know that no vaguely intelligent people believe fertility 'falls off a cliff' after 35 any more, but even so, she may well have checked her situation and found reasons to change her attitude. I think there's a big different between thinking, aged 35, that you'd go it alone, and being told you will likely need expensive IVF or an egg donor. She might already know she's not really compromising at all.

Or, she might simply have decided she has changed her mind.

It sounds like you don’t like him OP and it may be difficult for you to reconcile the change in your friend’s relationship status?

i do know what you mean about not wanting to see a woman waste her fertile years with a man not on the same page. But it sounds like he’s been clear about not wanting kids and either she accepts that and stays knowing the consequences for her not to have her own family or she leaves to pursue that.

it could be that the relationship itself is enough for her?

Sorry OP but you need to MYOB.

He's lying to her about where he is, secretly meeting his ex wife and she's checking his phone??? She definitely should not be thinking of having kids with this man! Of course "something is off with him"!

Yanbu. That’s really sad.

It sounds like your friend is desperately lonely and was going to try to solve it with a baby and now is hoping a lying married man can fill the void.

😔

Fertility does not take a big hit after 35. That myth was built from records in 1700s when many died in their mid 30s hence the drop in births after 35. New studies show this is not the case.

I am privately concerned about a couple of my friends, but I keep that to myself. I am and will always be there with an open ear, a glass of wine and a hug but I don't give advice or my opinion unless it's solicited.

I find this notion on MN that you ‘can’t give friends unsolicited advice’ to be really quite odd. Posters seem to see the role of ‘friend’ as more like ‘counsellor’ - there to pick up the pieces when it all goes wrong, rather than help them steer away from the disaster to start with.

I would say something. ‘Just to check - this is what you really want? I just don’t want you to potentially lose out on motherhood in the next few years for him if he turns out not to be the one?’

My friends wouldn’t be offended at that at all, they’d just give me their answer. Is everyone really so sensitive these days? I’ve been very grateful for the honest advice I’ve received and it’s largely turned out to be correct.

@Dacadactyl @broodybadger

Ah well! If that’s the case - no bother! I’m very happy now without kids 😊

Thanks for your reply to my post

It’s none of my business

Correct.

Idt you’re deluded at all, for most people that is fine but if it’s important to you I’d get the basic blood tests (AMH, FSH etc.) just so you know where you’re at and have the details but then I’m a planner haha

@WeeWillyWinkie9

I've seen this BS posted on here before

Maybe it was you that time too

Fertility has its biggest drop at 35-38 In terms of success rates

The drop is more significant when looking at 38-40 and 40-42 but the biggest % drop is from 30-35 and 35-38

It really doesn't at all. There is only a minimal difference. New studies show that it is minimal and the cliff edge is a myth.

^ totally agree with this. It is optimistic at best.

I think you should suggest she gets fertility testing to see how much time she does have which will help her to think of it’s still a priority or not

I left it until I was 35 and I was too late.
Interfere.

But testing doesn't work like this at all.

If you have ovarian reserve tested, it can only really give you negative news. If she's had that, of course, she could know that, despite being young for it, she's unlikely to conceive naturally. But the converse isn't true. She could have an AMH level that indicates she has masses of eggs, but without actually getting into trying to fertilise them, there's no very reliable way to tell whether they're viable or not, and this is crucial.

At her age, you can easily find out that the fertility game is largely over, but you cannot find any reliable evidence you're fine to wait - not because you're not fine to wait, but because we don't currently have good diagnostics.

its hard though isn’t it cos she may be enjoying life as it now

and people can change their mind - she may have been all for mother hood before but now has changed her mind and wants to travel

let’s face it you only have to have a quick browse of mumsnet to be put off having a kid (and that’s no slur on mumsnetters, it’s the fact that motherhood often is hard and unrelentingly and soul destroying).

More and more older women are saying ‘nah… sod my fertile years! I wanna enjoy my life cos life is too short!’

I predict there will be an avalanche of MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS posts, since this is Mumsnet and some people are addicted to that phrase on here.

The thing is, though, most of us do actually care about our friends' happiness (because they are friends, not total strangers), and some women just don't really have a clear idea about fertility decline.

You see celebrities having babies in their late 40s (usually with donated eggs, on the quiet) and it creates an unrealistic impression.

For every woman who can still get pregnant at 45, there will be at least one more who is already basically infertile at 35, and everything in between. And it's hard to know for sure which kind of woman you'll be more similar to.

Totally agree with this. Only on MN that friends can’t have open and honest conversations

Yes she is! He is wasting her time and she is too loved up to do anything about it. She should carry on with her plan regardless but she won't because she is devoting her energy to keeping the relationship going. Similar happened to me and I'm finally pregnant but am 39 so not ideal at all. 35-40 goes so quickly. I don't think there's much you can do though apart from encourage her to have an open and Frank discussion with him. That will get everything moving one way or another and that's the thing I put off because deep down I knew the answer.

@user1477391263

i get what you’re saying but is losing out on motherhood such a bad thing given what a hard and thankless task it often is…

maybe that is playing into OP’s friends current actions and behaviour whether she is aware of it or not.

women have stopped lying to each other about how wonderful motherhood is and started being more honest so is it any wonder that more and more women are giving motherhood a swerve?

women have stopped lying to each other about how wonderful motherhood is and started being more honest so is it any wonder that more and more women are giving motherhood a swerve?

Yeah, women going on about how hard and terrible motherhood is nearly put me off altogether. I was in my late 30s before I even started trying to conceive. Fortunately, I was successful.

I actually do find it a wonderful experience and I regret leaving it so late to have my first baby. I sincerely hope I haven't left it too late to have another one.

You're a good friend OP. Mostly the types that I have but not common place in MN. You should advice your friend but be careful not to nag her. She's blessed to have you as a friend not only because you care but you're willing to spare her an ordeal you went through. You've had the experience and she doesn't need to.
However, if she choses not to learn you can with good conscience know you did well as a sister-friend.