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AIBU?

He seems to hate me, but won’t do anything about it

83 replies

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:22

Dp and I have been together for a long time, since our dc came along, things have gradually gone downhill. We haven’t slept together for a few years, don’t sit and talk anymore, kids make that hard, but no effort to work around it. It used to upset me years ago, nothing changed, so I just stopped caring. Most of the time, we’ve been okayish, just getting on with daily family life, but sometimes it turns quite toxic and twice before I’ve had the same conversation about what are we going to do about this as it’s not good for Dd etc, even though she isn’t party to arguments etc, we’re not showing her how a healthy, happy relationship is.
Each time he’s just carried on as usual a few days later. Yesterday we had a particularly bad day with him saying allsorts of nasty things as he has before. I sent him a lengthy message (it’s literally the only way we can communicate, if we speak, he speaks in an awful way and we inevitably have an argument.
I said again the choices I think we have left-mainly-counselling and trying our best to repair it if we can. Splitting and sharing custody of Dd and trying to do that in a healthy, happy as we can be way, for Dds sake. Or thirdly, mainly to carry on living together, trying to be amicable for Dds sake, but living separate lives..(not that much different to now) aside from we can have our own relationships as this is a need many have…I’ve said I do as I’ve felt lonely for years.
Again, he’s not replied to it or addressed it…so what now? It’s always the same…in a few days we’ll get back to *Normal, just bobbing along, until the next toxic ness comes out.
If he doesn’t want to be with me, why can’t we do something about it? If he hates me and this life so much? Life is so short, what would you do?
Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

99 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
16%
You are NOT being unreasonable
84%
MolliciousIntent · 14/09/2022 18:23

See a lawyer and get a divorce

Shamoo · 14/09/2022 18:25

why are you giving him the power to decide? What do you want? If you aren’t sure, maybe you would benefit from counselling on your own to help you decide.

sounds tough and miserable for you OP.

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/09/2022 18:25

I have to say.. you have control hete to.. we are seperating. It isn't up to just him

StopStartStop · 14/09/2022 18:25

You're not married? Make arrangements for you and your dd and leave.

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:25

@MolliciousIntent We’re not married so would be quite simple…do I just look for somewhere and go with Dd?
Why won’t be address this? I don’t want any of this to be happening, but who can carry on like this?

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 14/09/2022 18:26

You stop talking about it and make a decision yourself that's what now. Go and see a solicitor and start divorce proceedings.

LisaD1 · 14/09/2022 18:26

Why are you waiting for him to decide? You’re perfectly capable of ending this unhappiness on your own terms and leaving him.

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:27

@Starlightstarbright1 Yes…I just wanted it to be a thing we could decide together really..I’d prefer Dd and I to stay in the house as it’s all she’s known..why won’t he address it? Can’t he leave? Why won’t he? House is in both our names

OP posts:
LuckyLil · 14/09/2022 18:27

Oh you're not married. Even easier. You find a place of your own.

BamBamBilla · 14/09/2022 18:29

Make the decision for yourself. He won't engage to work it out so leave.

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:29

@LuckyLil My preference would be to stay in the house for Dds sake…it’s just so much, we have the house in both our names, Dd, the dog.

Am I allowed to just leave with my Dd? How does that then work in regards to custody etc?

Why won’t he make a decision either way?!

OP posts:
Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:29

@BamBamBilla Why won’t he do you think?

OP posts:
lapasion · 14/09/2022 18:31

I think it’s time to sit him down and tell him face to face that you’re done. He may agree and be relieved, he may cry and beg you to stay, in which case it’s up to you whether you pursue things such as counselling. However, in your shoes I’m not sure I’d be bothered. The risk is, you go to counselling and have a big breakthrough, then things slowly go back to how they are now. A fresh start may be best.

Be practical about it. Get your own bank account if you don’t already have one. Start looking at your finances. You may find it quite liberating to do these things.

Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 18:31

Why won’t he make a decision either way?!

Because he doesn't want to have to make the effort, with anything.
He's checked out of life. His mind is elsewhere, he's comfortable and doesn't want anything to change. He's happier to stay in the rut than to get up and do anything.

You are also making no decisions.

Windowtea · 14/09/2022 18:32

He has buried his head in the sand all these years OP. Just like you have. Ask yourself why you have not left already. Those reasons are more than likely the same for him.

What do YOU want? You do not need his permission to end the relationship. Tell him that you have decides you want to end it. Ask him to leave or look for alternative accommodation.

BamBamBilla · 14/09/2022 18:34

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:29

@BamBamBilla Why won’t he do you think?

I've no idea, and neither do you by the looks of things but that doesn't matter. What he has shown you is that he doesn't want to work at things so you need to make your decision on what you want to do next. Stay with him in what seems like an unloving and miserable relationship or leave.

ManateeFair · 14/09/2022 18:34

We’re not married so would be quite simple…do I just look for somewhere and go with Dd?

Well, yes! Of course that’s what you do.

If you have a joint bank account, open an account of your own pronto and start getting your own salary paid into it. And transfer half of any joint savings into it too.

Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 18:34

He has buried his head in the sand all these years OP. Just like you have. Ask yourself why you have not left already. Those reasons are more than likely the same for him.

Great point. Think about this for a while op.

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:35

@Notimeforaname But he tells me in all these arguments how he doesn’t want this life and can’t carry on like this etc and then when I become proactive, he doesn’t respond to it

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 14/09/2022 18:37

He sounds fairly useless. That's why he's not left.

What's your excuse?

Tell him it's over. Ask him how he'd feel about you buying him out of the house. What is your financial situation? Are you in work? Joint accounts?

ManateeFair · 14/09/2022 18:39

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:29

@BamBamBilla Why won’t he do you think?

Because as far as he’s concerned the relationship is already over. He just can’t be arsed with the hassle of moving out, so he’s waiting for you to do it. And there’s possibly also part of him that’s enjoying making you unhappy.

He doesn’t secretly still love you, if that’s what you’re asking.

Anyway - it doesn’t actually matter why he won’t make any arrangements, because you don’t need him to. You can end it yourself.

Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 18:43

But he tells me in all these arguments how he doesn’t want this life and can’t carry on like this etc and then when I become proactive, he doesn’t respond to it

Yes he tells you thats what he wants so the argument will finish.
You'll say "that's all I want too" you'll have the emotional hugs, make up and plod along again because he's actually more comfortable like that .
Nobody wants to have to look at their behaviour and do the work to change it, most people dont want to know their faults.

Im guessing you both plod along until YOU bring up the fact you're still not happy and nothing has changed? And then the arguments starts and he tells you he wants to change? I doubt he's the one coming to you saying "how can we fix this I'm fed up"?
Like he only has a problem, when YOU have a problem.

If thats the case then its because of the above. Not bothered. Doesn't want to do the work/is afraid what he'll learn about himself generally not wanting to make an effort.

Move on , you obviously have more motivation to do something about it since you're here.
Do it, do something. Ask him to leave, you leave, anything.

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:43

@ManateeFair How do you know that?

If I’ve been forthright about it before, he has sometimes said that he just wants things back to the way they were etc. I think the main thing is our Dd, he always says I’m not taking her away from him and I’ve always said I would never do that, we’d share custody (even though that breaks my heart)
He always just wants me to change and sees me as causing all this, whereas I’m fair and see it’s a breakdown between us and we’re both/nobody is to blame

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 18:47

he just wants things back to the way they were etc.

He wants, he wants. What does he do? It's so whiney and like he's a victim, moaning about what he wants and doing nothing to make that happen. It's an excuse. He may want things back as they used to be, that may be true but nobody is stopping him from exploring what it was about himself/his life that was so good then and working to get it back.
He does nothing as you said, he doesn't want it enough.

Knickerthief1 · 14/09/2022 18:48

My ex was like this and I honestly believe it was because he wanted to play the victim when we broke up. I left him in the end and then of course he got all the sympathy - even though he had long given up on us!!

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