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AIBU?

He seems to hate me, but won’t do anything about it

83 replies

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:22

Dp and I have been together for a long time, since our dc came along, things have gradually gone downhill. We haven’t slept together for a few years, don’t sit and talk anymore, kids make that hard, but no effort to work around it. It used to upset me years ago, nothing changed, so I just stopped caring. Most of the time, we’ve been okayish, just getting on with daily family life, but sometimes it turns quite toxic and twice before I’ve had the same conversation about what are we going to do about this as it’s not good for Dd etc, even though she isn’t party to arguments etc, we’re not showing her how a healthy, happy relationship is.
Each time he’s just carried on as usual a few days later. Yesterday we had a particularly bad day with him saying allsorts of nasty things as he has before. I sent him a lengthy message (it’s literally the only way we can communicate, if we speak, he speaks in an awful way and we inevitably have an argument.
I said again the choices I think we have left-mainly-counselling and trying our best to repair it if we can. Splitting and sharing custody of Dd and trying to do that in a healthy, happy as we can be way, for Dds sake. Or thirdly, mainly to carry on living together, trying to be amicable for Dds sake, but living separate lives..(not that much different to now) aside from we can have our own relationships as this is a need many have…I’ve said I do as I’ve felt lonely for years.
Again, he’s not replied to it or addressed it…so what now? It’s always the same…in a few days we’ll get back to *Normal, just bobbing along, until the next toxic ness comes out.
If he doesn’t want to be with me, why can’t we do something about it? If he hates me and this life so much? Life is so short, what would you do?
Anyone been in a similar situation?

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Ottersmith · 14/09/2022 20:55

Sounds like he won't make a decision and neither are you. You are just waiting for him to decide. Ask him to move out. One day you will be so glad you did. He is making you miserable.

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 21:18

Thanks all,

Sorry to see some are in a similar situation.

I messaged again before, saying that he’s not addressing everything I wrote..as usual.
He said he has a banging headache and is just keeping quiet as he doesn’t want to argue again 🤷🏻‍♀️

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FlissyPaps · 14/09/2022 21:21

Sorry OP but he’s definitely checked out of the relationship. He sounds selfish and lazy.

Going forwards, don’t ask him about the relationship, tell him. Tell him what your ideal situation is and then go and speak to a solicitor.

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 21:21

@Greenginghamdress I feel
similar as well, fear has kept me here for quite a long time…I’m really concerned about Dd now and presenting a healthy relationship to her 😢I feel so horrendously guilty, I just want to have a happy home, I so wish we could be a happy family for her

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 21:22

@Hont1986 I don’t know how he’d work it around work though?
How do things work around sharing custody? I’ve been the main carer for 4 years

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DixonD · 14/09/2022 21:37

If decides 50-50 he won’t have to pay maintenance. I know someone who has done this even though he works a lot just so he doesn’t have to pay his ex any money. He gets his parents to look after the kids if he’s working on his “time.”

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Flowersintheattic57 · 14/09/2022 21:37

You do not need to work out every single detail in advance before you separate.
Start with the end in mind; you want to stay in the house if possible and you are happy to share custody.
Make an appointment to see a solicitor.
Work on your financials, etc.
Assume he is not going to help you.
As you go along this route, different choices that you hadn’t thought of will occur.
Put the millstone down. Do not pick it up again.
Keep moving forward.

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TheWayoftheLeaf · 15/09/2022 18:48

I mean it sounds like he just wants things to be good again but doesn't know how so won't do anything.

Although I don't think your solution works - you break out, he continues to pay for half the mortgage but you stay in it and he only sees his child every other week? That sounds shit for him so maybe he just doesn't think that's enough?

It is rubbish though and I'm sorry he won't communicate with you.

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