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AIBU?

He seems to hate me, but won’t do anything about it

83 replies

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:22

Dp and I have been together for a long time, since our dc came along, things have gradually gone downhill. We haven’t slept together for a few years, don’t sit and talk anymore, kids make that hard, but no effort to work around it. It used to upset me years ago, nothing changed, so I just stopped caring. Most of the time, we’ve been okayish, just getting on with daily family life, but sometimes it turns quite toxic and twice before I’ve had the same conversation about what are we going to do about this as it’s not good for Dd etc, even though she isn’t party to arguments etc, we’re not showing her how a healthy, happy relationship is.
Each time he’s just carried on as usual a few days later. Yesterday we had a particularly bad day with him saying allsorts of nasty things as he has before. I sent him a lengthy message (it’s literally the only way we can communicate, if we speak, he speaks in an awful way and we inevitably have an argument.
I said again the choices I think we have left-mainly-counselling and trying our best to repair it if we can. Splitting and sharing custody of Dd and trying to do that in a healthy, happy as we can be way, for Dds sake. Or thirdly, mainly to carry on living together, trying to be amicable for Dds sake, but living separate lives..(not that much different to now) aside from we can have our own relationships as this is a need many have…I’ve said I do as I’ve felt lonely for years.
Again, he’s not replied to it or addressed it…so what now? It’s always the same…in a few days we’ll get back to *Normal, just bobbing along, until the next toxic ness comes out.
If he doesn’t want to be with me, why can’t we do something about it? If he hates me and this life so much? Life is so short, what would you do?
Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:21

@CovertImage He will pay a small amount to the mortgage (we don’t have a huge amount left to pay) When it’s sold, he gets half the profit and also his Dd stays where she knows and feels secure

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MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 14/09/2022 19:21

I cannot think of a single reason why he'd want to go off and rent a flat while continuing to pay half the mortgage of the family home you continue to live in. I mean, why would he?

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Vapeyvapevape · 14/09/2022 19:22

We’re not married so would be quite simple…do I just look for somewhere and go with Dd

yes , this is exactly what you should do.

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TooHotToTangoToo · 14/09/2022 19:22

In your shoes op I'd speak to a solicitor with regards to the house, is it sensible you stay whilst you arrange/force to sell it - which you will have to do if he won't move out. Or can you move out and rent.

If your dp wont 'do' anything you'll have to presume he'll stay in the house until the bitter end. Find out legally what you should and shouldn't do.

Find yourself somewhere to move to and move with your dd. You them give him the contact with dd YOU think is suitable, and he either chooses to accept it or not. If not he has to come to you with further suggestions and you agree or not

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RootinandTootin · 14/09/2022 19:23

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:19

@RootinandTootin I’m not wanting to do nothing, I want him to address what I’m saying and work with me for the best for our Dd

So do it then and move forward. Tell him you’re leaving him and you need to sort the house and don’t let it go. This is quite painful, you have options and a voice so do it. If you can’t reach an agreement see a solicitor and seek mediation. If it was me there is no way I’d carry on paying the mortgage and rent for myself. I’d either buy you out or I’d want the house selling. Joint accounts are easy to sort.

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MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 14/09/2022 19:24

Fyi my stepdad made a similar arrangement with his ex - caused him no end of grief from my mother, and when they fell on hard times he couldn't realise his asset as his ex refused to sell, even though all his adult children were moved out and she was rattling around in there - obviously he could have forced a sale but his kids all said they would cut him off if he did. So he was broke but unable to access any state support as he had this huge unrealised asset. Very bad plan.

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:27

The house would be a small mortgage to pay, which he could easily afford plus rent. The house would/could be an investment for him

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Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 19:30

The house would be a small mortgage to pay, which he could easily afford plus rent. The house would/could be an investment for him

Then you must tell him this is what you want.
But know that he may not do a thing about it like everything else. So you must have a back up plan in case, ie having a deposit ready in case you need to do the moving if he doesn't.
Or, If he agreed to the split maybe be prepared to search for a flat for him and sort it out one last time just to get him out from under your feet.

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Brokenseas · 14/09/2022 19:30

Oh OP I could have written this almost word for word. You are definitely not alone and I am reading these replies with interest.

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RootinandTootin · 14/09/2022 19:30

Have you ever asked him? It’s unfair you both have equal right to the property and even if I was loaded I’d still expect the house to be sold or you to buy me out. It’s not much of an investment if the person living there won’t move out (like it sounds you don’t want to) he would be in a very tricky situation if that was the case. You sound unreasonable with your expectations. This is why it stalls you need 3rd party involvement to resolve the issue

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FourTeaFallOut · 14/09/2022 19:32

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:27

The house would be a small mortgage to pay, which he could easily afford plus rent. The house would/could be an investment for him

He might decide that this is okay but it is as likely that he will want half of the equity so he can buy a property and not have to rent.

This may mean you have to buy him out, or look for a property/ rental for yourself.

These are practical considerations you need to work through now.

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Flumpymc · 14/09/2022 19:34

Yes, i left him. The feeling of knowing we were no longer in the same house and he couldn't impact me the same way was indescribable.

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StarDolphins · 14/09/2022 19:34

What is he saying you’re doing wrong?

I wouldn’t communicate via text anymore, I would tell him you need to sit down & talk, cards on table. Decide honestly together if you both want to try & if you both do & are prepared to work hard & unpick what’s wrong then you need marriage councilling.

it sounds like a massive problem with communication & resentment.

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Caroffee · 14/09/2022 19:38

Make your own decision about which choice to take.

Don't start a relationship with another person whilst you are still living with your partner. It isn't being fair to the other person.

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youlightupmyday · 14/09/2022 19:38

You are annoyed that he won't make a decision, but neither are you.

Just make it and stop wasting time. Your future awaits! (Divorcee)

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Andromachehadabadday · 14/09/2022 19:41

Neither of you wants to make a decision. Just live in misery. You also just let it go back to normal after a few saysZ you say you out blame on both sides, but you seem to think it’s all to him to decide your future. You aren’t a plastic bag being blown about by the wind, with no control.

He gets half the proceeds from the sale anyway, regardless of what happens, even if it’s sold in a year.

Unless he earns alot of money, he may struggle to qualify to rent anywhere whilst paying towards the mortgage.

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WilsonMilson · 14/09/2022 19:53

@Shesawaterfall95 not easy at all.

But the ultimate cost is staying in a loveless union is surely higher?

I got divorced from an ex who didn’t want to leave the house, eventually bought my ex out of the house, had to work 2 jobs for over 2 years to do it and bring up dc at same time.

Years on and I’m happily married to dh2 and so glad I didn’t remain in a stagnant miserable marriage for the rest of time just because I was scared to tackle the problem and make big changes.

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marplemead · 14/09/2022 19:54

This was me (even the bit about only communicating by text), and I'm afraid it doesn't get any better.

We tried counselling, but it was pushed by me and DH just went through the motions. We even had another DC. Things got more and more toxic until we had an explosive argument one day and he finally left.

I wish I had initiated a divorce years ago, so we could have separated more amicably. Starting again is hard, but I cannot describe the relief of not living with someone who has completely checked out.

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Greenginghamdress · 14/09/2022 19:57

I'm another one who could write a very very similar post myself.
I know that cycle of things are ok, then you have a very toxic row due to his behaviour, rinse and repeat.
I know how hard it is to want to leave but feeling scared you'll loose everything.
I don't have any quick fixes but I'd definitely try to get some legal advice and hopefully you have some savings behind you?
For me personally, I feel like one day I'll be like, 'sod the house, this is soul destroying and I just want to be away from him'. I've thought a lot about renting a place with DD. Fear keeps me here.
Don't the same as me. This isn't how relationships are meant to be. Confide in a friend, seek legal advice, put the wheel in motion to reclaim control over your life Flowers

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CrystalCoco · 14/09/2022 20:09

Obviously I don't know you or your DP personally but I'm in a similar situation and I don't think that it's especially us they hate, but themselves/ their lot in life.

For us this manifests in his varied erratic moods over whatever topic is pissing him off - take your pick - his weight, having to carry out some commitment he doesn't want to do, binmen going on strike, cost of petrol, the weather - yes at times something we'll have done or said, but mostly, just their own misery - that's why he may not want to leave you, as it's not actually you he's had enough of?

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Suzi888 · 14/09/2022 20:10

So you wouldn’t seek maintenance then?

It sounds incredibly complicated to stay in the house with you both paying half. If he has to pay rent as well- hmmm I can’t see why he would agree to this. I do know that a house on our road was subject to this kind of arrangement and when the child was of age, the house was sold. But the lady had to move from a much loved home and downgrade massively. She had worked part time and incurred all the childcare arrangements.

I think you really want him to say, right I’ve had enough and I want a divorce and we shall do x, y and z.
Presumably he won’t as he must be a fairly high earner and doesn’t want to be seen as making you and his DD downgrade? Move? Start over elsewhere? Maybe he wouldn’t see her as much (if he works how would he?).
You want a life, possibly a new partner- maybe he’s not that bothered.

It’s really what YOU want that matters- you can’t change him. He has left the decision to you for whatever reason, it doesn’t really matter what that reason is. I would just be very wary of staying and doing nothing - you’ll be in the same circle of death in 5 years.

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Noteverybodylives · 14/09/2022 20:30

Obviously the relationship is over.
And your DD may not here you arguing but she can feel the tension and won’t have a happy home life.

Tell him that you want to end the relationship and that you want DD to remain living in the house, as it’s less disruptive for her.

Ask him how he feels about this and if he’s willing to move out.

It would be unreasonable for you to ask him to continue paying the mortgage as well as rent, whether he can afford it or not.

If he does not want to move out then you will have to but again I don’t think it’s fair that he asks you to pay mortgage on top of rent.

The most important thing here is DD.

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Hont1986 · 14/09/2022 20:38

He could have Dd every other weekend maybe and once during the week 🤷🏻‍♀️

You realise that he might want more than this? And would be very likely to get it if he does?

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Sunnysideup999 · 14/09/2022 20:48

It sounds toxic.
change the locks and say he’s not coming back unless he’s prepared to talk about how to make a change.
sometimes people need to be given no other option.

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goldfinchonthelawn · 14/09/2022 20:49

I would start looking for a new place. tell him you are thinking fo doing this and explain why, in a really gentle way. It will be traumatic for both of you so the more you can sound reasonable, the better. just say neither of you is happy and you don;t want to keep pushing him to work through counselling with you etc if he has no desire and drive to do so. Say you also think you have been a bit passive and unfair on him by expecting him to be the one who makes the decision and that you are ready to make it. And be very clear that your top priority is to be amicable to ensure DD the split doesn;t upset DD.

I would try to be supportive of him if you are expecting him to move out of his home so you can stay there with DD. But I would be careful of moving into rented if you still have to pay a mortgage. He might go nowhere and live there alone while you run up massive bills.

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