He seems to hate me, but won’t do anything about it

[Shesawaterfall95]

Dp and I have been together for a long time, since our dc came along, things have gradually gone downhill. We haven’t slept together for a few years, don’t sit and talk anymore, kids make that hard, but no effort to work around it. It used to upset me years ago, nothing changed, so I just stopped caring. Most of the time, we’ve been okayish, just getting on with daily family life, but sometimes it turns quite toxic and twice before I’ve had the same conversation about what are we going to do about this as it’s not good for Dd etc, even though she isn’t party to arguments etc, we’re not showing her how a healthy, happy relationship is.
Each time he’s just carried on as usual a few days later. Yesterday we had a particularly bad day with him saying allsorts of nasty things as he has before. I sent him a lengthy message (it’s literally the only way we can communicate, if we speak, he speaks in an awful way and we inevitably have an argument.
I said again the choices I think we have left-mainly-counselling and trying our best to repair it if we can. Splitting and sharing custody of Dd and trying to do that in a healthy, happy as we can be way, for Dds sake. Or thirdly, mainly to carry on living together, trying to be amicable for Dds sake, but living separate lives..(not that much different to now) aside from we can have our own relationships as this is a need many have…I’ve said I do as I’ve felt lonely for years.
Again, he’s not replied to it or addressed it…so what now? It’s always the same…in a few days we’ll get back to *Normal, just bobbing along, until the next toxic ness comes out.
If he doesn’t want to be with me, why can’t we do something about it? If he hates me and this life so much? Life is so short, what would you do?
Anyone been in a similar situation?

[TheWayoftheLeaf]

I mean it sounds like he just wants things to be good again but doesn't know how so won't do anything.

Although I don't think your solution works - you break out, he continues to pay for half the mortgage but you stay in it and he only sees his child every other week? That sounds shit for him so maybe he just doesn't think that's enough?

It is rubbish though and I'm sorry he won't communicate with you.

[Flowersintheattic57]

You do not need to work out every single detail in advance before you separate.
Start with the end in mind; you want to stay in the house if possible and you are happy to share custody.
Make an appointment to see a solicitor.
Work on your financials, etc.
Assume he is not going to help you.
As you go along this route, different choices that you hadn’t thought of will occur.
Put the millstone down. Do not pick it up again.
Keep moving forward.

[DixonD]

If decides 50-50 he won’t have to pay maintenance. I know someone who has done this even though he works a lot just so he doesn’t have to pay his ex any money. He gets his parents to look after the kids if he’s working on his “time.”

[Shesawaterfall95]

@Hont1986 I don’t know how he’d work it around work though?
How do things work around sharing custody? I’ve been the main carer for 4 years

[Shesawaterfall95]

@Greenginghamdress I feel
similar as well, fear has kept me here for quite a long time…I’m really concerned about Dd now and presenting a healthy relationship to her 😢I feel so horrendously guilty, I just want to have a happy home, I so wish we could be a happy family for her

[FlissyPaps]

Sorry OP but he’s definitely checked out of the relationship. He sounds selfish and lazy.

Going forwards, don’t ask him about the relationship, tell him. Tell him what your ideal situation is and then go and speak to a solicitor.

[Shesawaterfall95]

Thanks all,

Sorry to see some are in a similar situation.

I messaged again before, saying that he’s not addressing everything I wrote..as usual.
He said he has a banging headache and is just keeping quiet as he doesn’t want to argue again 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Ottersmith]

Sounds like he won't make a decision and neither are you. You are just waiting for him to decide. Ask him to move out. One day you will be so glad you did. He is making you miserable.

[goldfinchonthelawn]

I would start looking for a new place. tell him you are thinking fo doing this and explain why, in a really gentle way. It will be traumatic for both of you so the more you can sound reasonable, the better. just say neither of you is happy and you don;t want to keep pushing him to work through counselling with you etc if he has no desire and drive to do so. Say you also think you have been a bit passive and unfair on him by expecting him to be the one who makes the decision and that you are ready to make it. And be very clear that your top priority is to be amicable to ensure DD the split doesn;t upset DD.

I would try to be supportive of him if you are expecting him to move out of his home so you can stay there with DD. But I would be careful of moving into rented if you still have to pay a mortgage. He might go nowhere and live there alone while you run up massive bills.

[Sunnysideup999]

It sounds toxic.
change the locks and say he’s not coming back unless he’s prepared to talk about how to make a change.
sometimes people need to be given no other option.

[Hont1986]

He could have Dd every other weekend maybe and once during the week 🤷🏻‍♀️

You realise that he might want more than this? And would be very likely to get it if he does?

[Noteverybodylives]

Obviously the relationship is over.
And your DD may not here you arguing but she can feel the tension and won’t have a happy home life.

Tell him that you want to end the relationship and that you want DD to remain living in the house, as it’s less disruptive for her.

Ask him how he feels about this and if he’s willing to move out.

It would be unreasonable for you to ask him to continue paying the mortgage as well as rent, whether he can afford it or not.

If he does not want to move out then you will have to but again I don’t think it’s fair that he asks you to pay mortgage on top of rent.

The most important thing here is DD.

[Suzi888]

So you wouldn’t seek maintenance then?

It sounds incredibly complicated to stay in the house with you both paying half. If he has to pay rent as well- hmmm I can’t see why he would agree to this. I do know that a house on our road was subject to this kind of arrangement and when the child was of age, the house was sold. But the lady had to move from a much loved home and downgrade massively. She had worked part time and incurred all the childcare arrangements.

I think you really want him to say, right I’ve had enough and I want a divorce and we shall do x, y and z.
Presumably he won’t as he must be a fairly high earner and doesn’t want to be seen as making you and his DD downgrade? Move? Start over elsewhere? Maybe he wouldn’t see her as much (if he works how would he?).
You want a life, possibly a new partner- maybe he’s not that bothered.

It’s really what YOU want that matters- you can’t change him. He has left the decision to you for whatever reason, it doesn’t really matter what that reason is. I would just be very wary of staying and doing nothing - you’ll be in the same circle of death in 5 years.

[CrystalCoco]

Obviously I don't know you or your DP personally but I'm in a similar situation and I don't think that it's especially us they hate, but themselves/ their lot in life.

For us this manifests in his varied erratic moods over whatever topic is pissing him off - take your pick - his weight, having to carry out some commitment he doesn't want to do, binmen going on strike, cost of petrol, the weather - yes at times something we'll have done or said, but mostly, just their own misery - that's why he may not want to leave you, as it's not actually you he's had enough of?

[Greenginghamdress]

I'm another one who could write a very very similar post myself.
I know that cycle of things are ok, then you have a very toxic row due to his behaviour, rinse and repeat.
I know how hard it is to want to leave but feeling scared you'll loose everything.
I don't have any quick fixes but I'd definitely try to get some legal advice and hopefully you have some savings behind you?
For me personally, I feel like one day I'll be like, 'sod the house, this is soul destroying and I just want to be away from him'. I've thought a lot about renting a place with DD. Fear keeps me here.
Don't the same as me. This isn't how relationships are meant to be. Confide in a friend, seek legal advice, put the wheel in motion to reclaim control over your life

[marplemead]

This was me (even the bit about only communicating by text), and I'm afraid it doesn't get any better.

We tried counselling, but it was pushed by me and DH just went through the motions. We even had another DC. Things got more and more toxic until we had an explosive argument one day and he finally left.

I wish I had initiated a divorce years ago, so we could have separated more amicably. Starting again is hard, but I cannot describe the relief of not living with someone who has completely checked out.

[WilsonMilson]

@Shesawaterfall95 not easy at all.

But the ultimate cost is staying in a loveless union is surely higher?

I got divorced from an ex who didn’t want to leave the house, eventually bought my ex out of the house, had to work 2 jobs for over 2 years to do it and bring up dc at same time.

Years on and I’m happily married to dh2 and so glad I didn’t remain in a stagnant miserable marriage for the rest of time just because I was scared to tackle the problem and make big changes.

[Andromachehadabadday]

Neither of you wants to make a decision. Just live in misery. You also just let it go back to normal after a few saysZ you say you out blame on both sides, but you seem to think it’s all to him to decide your future. You aren’t a plastic bag being blown about by the wind, with no control.

He gets half the proceeds from the sale anyway, regardless of what happens, even if it’s sold in a year.

Unless he earns alot of money, he may struggle to qualify to rent anywhere whilst paying towards the mortgage.

[youlightupmyday]

You are annoyed that he won't make a decision, but neither are you.

Just make it and stop wasting time. Your future awaits! (Divorcee)

[Caroffee]

Make your own decision about which choice to take.

Don't start a relationship with another person whilst you are still living with your partner. It isn't being fair to the other person.

[StarDolphins]

What is he saying you’re doing wrong?

I wouldn’t communicate via text anymore, I would tell him you need to sit down & talk, cards on table. Decide honestly together if you both want to try & if you both do & are prepared to work hard & unpick what’s wrong then you need marriage councilling.

it sounds like a massive problem with communication & resentment.

[Flumpymc]

Yes, i left him. The feeling of knowing we were no longer in the same house and he couldn't impact me the same way was indescribable.

[FourTeaFallOut]

@Shesawaterfall95

The house would be a small mortgage to pay, which he could easily afford plus rent. The house would/could be an investment for him

He might decide that this is okay but it is as likely that he will want half of the equity so he can buy a property and not have to rent.

This may mean you have to buy him out, or look for a property/ rental for yourself.

These are practical considerations you need to work through now.

[RootinandTootin]

Have you ever asked him? It’s unfair you both have equal right to the property and even if I was loaded I’d still expect the house to be sold or you to buy me out. It’s not much of an investment if the person living there won’t move out (like it sounds you don’t want to) he would be in a very tricky situation if that was the case. You sound unreasonable with your expectations. This is why it stalls you need 3rd party involvement to resolve the issue

[Brokenseas]

Oh OP I could have written this almost word for word. You are definitely not alone and I am reading these replies with interest.