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AIBU?

He seems to hate me, but won’t do anything about it

83 replies

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:22

Dp and I have been together for a long time, since our dc came along, things have gradually gone downhill. We haven’t slept together for a few years, don’t sit and talk anymore, kids make that hard, but no effort to work around it. It used to upset me years ago, nothing changed, so I just stopped caring. Most of the time, we’ve been okayish, just getting on with daily family life, but sometimes it turns quite toxic and twice before I’ve had the same conversation about what are we going to do about this as it’s not good for Dd etc, even though she isn’t party to arguments etc, we’re not showing her how a healthy, happy relationship is.
Each time he’s just carried on as usual a few days later. Yesterday we had a particularly bad day with him saying allsorts of nasty things as he has before. I sent him a lengthy message (it’s literally the only way we can communicate, if we speak, he speaks in an awful way and we inevitably have an argument.
I said again the choices I think we have left-mainly-counselling and trying our best to repair it if we can. Splitting and sharing custody of Dd and trying to do that in a healthy, happy as we can be way, for Dds sake. Or thirdly, mainly to carry on living together, trying to be amicable for Dds sake, but living separate lives..(not that much different to now) aside from we can have our own relationships as this is a need many have…I’ve said I do as I’ve felt lonely for years.
Again, he’s not replied to it or addressed it…so what now? It’s always the same…in a few days we’ll get back to *Normal, just bobbing along, until the next toxic ness comes out.
If he doesn’t want to be with me, why can’t we do something about it? If he hates me and this life so much? Life is so short, what would you do?
Anyone been in a similar situation?

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Am I being unreasonable?

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Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 18:51

He always just wants me to change and sees me as causing all this, whereas I’m fair and see it’s a breakdown between us and we’re both/nobody is to blame

Well there you go. He wants you to change. He doesn't even think hes part of the problem. If he cant admit hes part of the problem, thers no therapy or thinking exercises that could help him. Like any problem. He doesn't think he needs to work on himself. Its "life" and everyone else who's made itshit like this for him.

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Suzi888 · 14/09/2022 18:51

Erm because he doesn’t want to lose the house?
He loves the house?
Doesn’t want to pay maintenance?


Do you rent or pay a mortgage? Either way if one of you left can the other afford it?

It would take effort to see his DD? How much effort does he put in now? Would he travel to see her, pick her up from school, split custody? It’s a headache.

If there’s no one else involved, he’s happy to plod along.

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TeaTurtle · 14/09/2022 18:51

Just leave him OP. He is currently enjoying blaming you for his misery and being able to take it out on you. He’s actually happy being an abusive bastard so this is why he won’t leave Flowers

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:52

But if he can’t be arsed do anything yet, why can’t we then stop least carry on house wise and Dd wise but see other people? Why do I have to be trapped in this situation with no chance of happiness with a time else, why can’t he go with that 🤷🏻‍♀️

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alternating · 14/09/2022 18:55

You'll drive yourself potty with the inequity of it. Just decide what you want and do it. If I told you you have 3650 days of your life left would you want to spend one more in this situation?
DD will get over a new house, she'll be forever shaped by a poor relationship though.

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RootinandTootin · 14/09/2022 18:55

Why don’t you break the cycle, stop waiting for him to make the move and leave him? You know you’re not happy so take responsibility for it. He sounds like an utter wanker and you deserve to find someone who treats you well.

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Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 18:56

But if he can’t be arsed do anything yet, why can’t we then stop least carry on house wise and Dd wise but see other people?

Because that will upset the rut he is in, he doesn't want to be bothered with anything and even though you aren't having sex he wont want you having it freely with another man obviously.

Either breaking up or working on the relationship is too much effort. He's trying to just shush you all the time. Til you wont be shushed and the arguments happen and then he tells you what you want to hear, what he knows needs to be done but cant be arsed to do/doesn't want to face.

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NovaDeltas · 14/09/2022 18:57

Get legal advice. If it's in both your names it is best you do not abandon it. He may be waiting for that.

A solicitor will advise your next move. It won't be easy selling a house with a mute wanker clogging up the proceedings but there will be some sort of rule about that. No house ever went unsold or a relationship unended because a man stayed silent.

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GatoradeMeBitch · 14/09/2022 18:57

YABU in leaving this up to him, like you have no say whatsoever. Just make a decision about your life and get on with it. You said you have felt lonely for years. It's clear that you want to move on, maybe you just don't want to take responsibility for it. Instead of wasting time wondering about what his thought processes are, start to plan ahead. Finances, where to live.

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Suzi888 · 14/09/2022 18:58

Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 18:52

But if he can’t be arsed do anything yet, why can’t we then stop least carry on house wise and Dd wise but see other people? Why do I have to be trapped in this situation with no chance of happiness with a time else, why can’t he go with that 🤷🏻‍♀️

See other people and live together? That’s going to be very difficult to navigate in reality.
What happens if one of you, say him meets someone they love and he tells you at that point that you need a divorce- at this point you’ve paid more towards the mortgage, spent potentially more on the house, you’ve increased the value and have more to ‘buy out’.
Neither of you could bring a date ‘home’.
How would a new partner feel about your living arrangements. So you go on a date and say oh yes I live with my ex partner…. 🤔I’d think- well your relationship clearly isn’t over!

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Notimeforaname · 14/09/2022 18:59

You'll just wreck your own head asking all these Why why why questions. I feel for you op I really do. But the answer is, he would prefer to do nothing and stay where he is. Its very clear.

Take a shot at the life you want. Stop waiting for him and asking why. He has shown you what he is willing to do for the relationship.

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:01

@Suzi888 We have a joint mortgage, we could possibly arrange it so we both keep paying, Dd, I and the dog stay in it and he could rent somewhere…

He could have Dd every other weekend maybe and once during the week 🤷🏻‍♀️
We could work around it somehow I’m sure

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FlissyPaps · 14/09/2022 19:06

Why won’t he make a decision either way?!

Because he doesn’t care. I’m sorry, but he doesn’t. He obviously doesn’t care about you or respect you. If he did, you wouldn’t be in this situation.

But if he can’t be arsed do anything yet, why can’t we then stop least carry on house wise and Dd wise but see other people?

Because that is not healthy. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be comfortable seeing/dating someone who lived in the same house as their ex-partner.

What happens if you meet a man and want to invite him round? Would your exP be there? Would he make arrangements to go out for the night and vice-versa would you be comfortable being in the house if your exP invited another woman over?

Why do I have to be trapped in this situation with no chance of happiness

You’re not trapped. He isn’t forcing you to stay in this situation. It the house is in both of your names you are better off seeking legal advice and going from there.

You deserve a life and happiness. Just because he can’t be bothered to get the ball rolling doesn’t mean you’re trapped. Take responsibility for your happiness and life now.

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RootinandTootin · 14/09/2022 19:07

There’s a lot of advice out there on this sort of issue, you aren’t the first or the last. You’ll need to come to an agreement about the house and if that fails seek mediation. you both have equal right to the house you own so it’s not really fair to expect him to just leave and foot the bill. He sounds awful and if you feel threatened you could speak to womens aid and seek refuge but that doesn’t sound like the case here.


take a look at citizens advice they have lots of advice


www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/if-you-were-living-together/what-happens-to-your-home-when-you-separate/

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ffsnotagainandagain · 14/09/2022 19:07

Kick him out and be done with it. Don't give him the power. He has told you all you need to know by ignoring your messages. Divorce him and move on with your life. It is not the end.

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DesMoulinsRouge · 14/09/2022 19:08

Why are you waiting for him to act? If he won't engage with anything then you will have to make the first move.

You are only trapped by your thinking.

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FourTeaFallOut · 14/09/2022 19:08

So, your ideal scenario is that he continues to pay the mortgage and also rent a flat? How and when would he extract his share of the equity?

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RootinandTootin · 14/09/2022 19:09

ffsnotagainandagain · 14/09/2022 19:07

Kick him out and be done with it. Don't give him the power. He has told you all you need to know by ignoring your messages. Divorce him and move on with your life. It is not the end.

You can’t kick someone out of their own home, might be an arse but he is entitled to an equal share. Poster will have to buy him out or sell the house and move on. If it was the other way around you wouldn’t say kick her out and be done with it.

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ffsnotagainandagain · 14/09/2022 19:11

RootinandTootin · 14/09/2022 19:09

You can’t kick someone out of their own home, might be an arse but he is entitled to an equal share. Poster will have to buy him out or sell the house and move on. If it was the other way around you wouldn’t say kick her out and be done with it.

...ok move out... end it and be under the same roof... any way you want to do it. be done with the prick.....

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RootinandTootin · 14/09/2022 19:13

ffsnotagainandagain · 14/09/2022 19:11

...ok move out... end it and be under the same roof... any way you want to do it. be done with the prick.....

I don’t disagree, I’m not the original poster. There are several ways out but it seems the OP wants to do nothing and is blaming her OH for not making the first move.

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WilsonMilson · 14/09/2022 19:16

Christ on a bike, just split up, you’re wasting your life!

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:17

@FourTeaFallOut We’d pay half each, each month (split between two, it’s a v small amount-£250) then whenever it’s sold, we’d split half of the money between us.

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:18

@WilsonMilson I'm sure you can appreciate it isn’t always that easy with a joint mortgage, account, child, dog, whole life etc

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CovertImage · 14/09/2022 19:18

We have a joint mortgage, we could possibly arrange it so we both keep paying, Dd, I and the dog stay in it and he could rent somewhere

There doesn't seem to be much in it for him in this scenario

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Shesawaterfall95 · 14/09/2022 19:19

@RootinandTootin I’m not wanting to do nothing, I want him to address what I’m saying and work with me for the best for our Dd

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