To not let MIL have my dog's ashes!

[budgiegirl]

We (me, DH, and my children) have a much loved elderly Labrador. He's advancing in years, and has recently been so ill that we expected that we might have to have him put to sleep. Happily he recovered well, and is back with us for at least a while longer, although I am aware he has limited time left.

My FIL was utterly obsessed with our dog, he absolutely adored him, and would often dogsit for us (along with MIL). It was a standing joke that FIL preferred the dog to anyone else in our family. We also found over the years that my in-laws would sometimes let people think the dog was theirs, and make the odd comment that the dog preferred them to us, that he wanted to stay with them, that he didn't want to return home when they had looked after him etc (not true but we would just smile and nod, and say what a good job they had done looking after him)

FIL sadly passed away a few months ago, and his ashes are now displayed in a glass cabinet at my MILs. Obviously this has been a very difficult few months for MIL, who is outwardly coping well, but we know she has been struggling a bit when she is at home on her own.

When the dog was ill, MIL told me that she hoped that when the dog eventually did pass away, we would let her have his ashes, to place on the shelf next to her late husbands. My immediate reaction was to say no. I have absolutely no intention of having my dogs ashes back, I think I would find it too emotionally upsetting, and I certainly don't want to have to see them sitting next to FIL ashes when we visit.

However, I am feeling guilty about it. MIL face really fell when I said no, and although we moved the conversation on quickly, she was really quite upset. I appreciate she is grieving for her husband, and this would probably bring her some comfort, but I really, really hate the idea.

AIBU to say no to her, or should I let her have the ashes when the time comes?

[LicoricePizza]

@ImAvingOops that’s exactly my point.

It shouldn’t be about who’s grief is greater, more painful etc of course losing a spouse is horrendous.

But OP shouldn’t be being put in a position of having to compare her grief to her MIL’s in the first place.

The dog’s not an ornament but a member of OP’s family! Her feelings about her pet are valid too!

By declining it doesn’t mean they can’t offer her comfort & support at this awful time.

A memento/photo/collar is a way that respects both parties needs & feelings surely?

[ImAvingOops]

I'm really sorry Licorice but of course mils grief is worse and should be prioritised.

I don't think mil wants the ashes as an ornament. No one has their loved one on a shelf in the living room because it looks nice! She's convinced herself that this will be a good thing for fil. I couldn't bring myself to not give her that, however much I personally didn't agree.

Im also not saying that OPs feelings aren't valid, but I think she's allowing her reasonable irritation at Mil/Fils claiming of her dog to get in the way. I think the compromise is to ask her not to leave the ashes on display.
But hopefully this is a passing phase and mil will have moved on from the idea by the time it comes around. I hope the dog continues to live a long time

[NeckFanInSoftPlay]

@Thissucksmonkeynuts

Did you specify that ddog should be cremated in a way that means you would only be returned their ashes. When I've had a pet cremated I was told it would be done in a group and would be returned as a mix of more than one pet. How would MIL fell about that?
(Grimly, the same thing applied when my mum died. If the crem had been quiet, they would be doing batches and her ashes would be mixed...."luckily" she died in early January so there was a backlog.)

This is absolute NONSENSE about humans being burnt in batches when busy! You've just made that up! It is highly, highly illegal in the UK and any other civilised country in the word to 'batch' cremate human bodies 😡 Besides, cremaster's aren't big enough for more than one human body

[Blondeshavemorefun]

If you don’t want them surely be nice fir mil to have if gives her comfort

[ErrolTheDragon]

This is absolute NONSENSE about humans being burnt in batches when busy! You've just made that up!

My guess is that poster probably misunderstood something - she said If the crem had been quiet, they would be doing batches .... There'd be no logical reason whatever to mix up ashes at quiet times but not at busy times. But it might be sensible at quiet times to not have the furnace or whatever it's called fired up all the time, and so coldstore bodies until they had a 'batch' to deal with one after another.

[Lavenderosemary]

Give her fake ashes. She's happy, you don't have to face the real thing...all sorted...