To not let MIL have my dog's ashes!

[budgiegirl]

We (me, DH, and my children) have a much loved elderly Labrador. He's advancing in years, and has recently been so ill that we expected that we might have to have him put to sleep. Happily he recovered well, and is back with us for at least a while longer, although I am aware he has limited time left.

My FIL was utterly obsessed with our dog, he absolutely adored him, and would often dogsit for us (along with MIL). It was a standing joke that FIL preferred the dog to anyone else in our family. We also found over the years that my in-laws would sometimes let people think the dog was theirs, and make the odd comment that the dog preferred them to us, that he wanted to stay with them, that he didn't want to return home when they had looked after him etc (not true but we would just smile and nod, and say what a good job they had done looking after him)

FIL sadly passed away a few months ago, and his ashes are now displayed in a glass cabinet at my MILs. Obviously this has been a very difficult few months for MIL, who is outwardly coping well, but we know she has been struggling a bit when she is at home on her own.

When the dog was ill, MIL told me that she hoped that when the dog eventually did pass away, we would let her have his ashes, to place on the shelf next to her late husbands. My immediate reaction was to say no. I have absolutely no intention of having my dogs ashes back, I think I would find it too emotionally upsetting, and I certainly don't want to have to see them sitting next to FIL ashes when we visit.

However, I am feeling guilty about it. MIL face really fell when I said no, and although we moved the conversation on quickly, she was really quite upset. I appreciate she is grieving for her husband, and this would probably bring her some comfort, but I really, really hate the idea.

AIBU to say no to her, or should I let her have the ashes when the time comes?

Give her half. 🤷‍♀️ Good compromise? Keeps everyone happy?

It would be sad to let the vet dispose of the dogs ashes rather than to let her have them.
Surely it’s already upsetting to see fil ashes.

When my last pet died, I took the ashes, just in a pretty cardboard tube and buried them in the garden where all our other pets were. That way I didn’t have to look at them but my Katie was in the family garden.

tell your MIL you intend to bury them in the family garden.

It is absolutely your choice and it is completely fine to say no, even if it upsets her.
I'm thinking maybe she found comfort in imagining that the two of them are together which I understand as it sounds like he had a lovely relationship with your dog.

If you don't want them what would you do? If you plan to scatter them you could invite mil. Otherwise you could say he's been buried?

Did you specify that ddog should be cremated in a way that means you would only be returned their ashes. When I've had a pet cremated I was told it would be done in a group and would be returned as a mix of more than one pet. How would MIL fell about that?
(Grimly, the same thing applied when my mum died. If the crem had been quiet, they would be doing batches and her ashes would be mixed...."luckily" she died in early January so there was a backlog.)

It's £400 to get your dog cremated and ashes back (at least)

We opted to not have our dog cremated last time as I got my cat done and then couldn't bear to scatter them (so I'm now carrying a box of ashes from house to house like a crazy person)

It all sounds a tad insane, but are you really so selfish that you can't offer your MIL this (slightly insane) gesture/token of comfort?!

I could understand if you were wanting them which is what I assumed when I saw the title of the thread.

However I feel its a little harsh not giving MIL even a small amount if you aren't going to even have the ashes to yourself at all.

I do suggest doing something with the ashes though. We recently buried the ashes of a family pet in my parents garden. All the kids range from 2 to 9 were there for the little funeral. My dd (4) was there when poor DPet was euthanized. Its tougher on adults than kids. We wept whilst children half stood around and half played. They all had a gist of what death is - the Disney movie Coco is BRILLIANT in helping children understand death.
I understand its hard. We are still in peices over our DPets death, but the funeral seemed to help us all cope and accept a lot better. It was a beautiful send off.

YABU. She's a grieving widow and it would bring her comfort. You don't want to keep the ashes yourself so why not reunite your dog with someone who loved him so dearly?

It would be the kind thing to do under the circumstances.

No I think you should stand your ground even though it’s very difficult given she’s grieving.
It’s a boundary thing. Yes FIL loved your dog - but they were a bit weird with the boundaries when they used to pretend they owned the dog etc. And sounds like you very good naturedly laughed it off - grateful for their help etc.

But your feelings for your beloved lab are important too. He/she’s a member of your family & just because you don’t like the idea of having the ashes when the time comes from the vet, doesn’t mean you don’t care about them per se.

Those ashes will represent /symbolically be the dog. And every time you go to your MIL, your once cherished, never forgotten lovely lab, will not literally, but kind of literally, now be in her display cabinet, next to the remains of your FIL.

As you say I’d want to handle my grief for my animal companion on the way that’s best for me - not for someone else. That’s not selfish nor unreasonable, even if your MIL is grieving. You will be grieving for your dog too. Obvs in a different way but still grieving in some capacity.

Didn’t catch if you have DC it not - which could be weird for them too depending on their ages.

I know lots of people get a lot of comfort from having their pets’ ashes - but that’s an individual thing & for you it doesn’t sound like it would give you comfort to.

So it’s not IMO a question of you not being bothered about them so your MIL may as well have them.

This is about your lovely faithful animal companion here! Sorry to upset you (if I am). And you need to do what feels right for you (& your immediate family) about their ashes.

It’s your dog & isn’t & never was your PIL’s.

If you don’t want them yourself I can’t see the harm in giving them to her. Grief is a terrible thing, and no matter how upset you’ll be about your dog and how uncomfortable it might make you to give her his ashes, it’s nothing compared to the overwhelming and potentially long lasting grief your MIL will be feeling for her husband. She’s probably feeling very lonely and lost (depending on how recently he died), so if you can give her a little bit of comfort why wouldn’t you?

Although in your post there does seem to be a bit of tension around your PIL’s annexing of your dog - is there a little bit of you that would feel like she’s somehow ‘won’ if she gets to keep him in perpetuity?! I can understand why you might feel that, but in the end it’s just a pile of dust you didn’t want in the first place, but which might be a significant comfort to her, so in this case I’d probably try to be the bigger person.

It’s a dog-would it really be so awful to bring some comfort to your MIL who associates happy times with her husband with your dog. If you don’t want them yourself, why not let her have them? Or some of them anyway. Please be generous in this-your dog will no longer be around but this memory of him will comfort your mil.

I struggle to get past the fact that you would rather the crematorium threw your dogs ashes away than give them to someone who loved him so much.

I'm struggling to understand why you won't let her have them, if you yourself don't actually want them though??? I can totally get it if you want them yourself (I have my own gorgeous D-Dog's ashes in a beautiful engraved box on my unit next to her photograph in my living room...might seem odd to some, but it gives me great comfort!). However...you don't want them!!!

It just feels spiteful to me...and I feel it's just because this is your MIL! If it was your own mum, I bet you'd react differently (although you'd not admit it on here now I imagine!)

If you don’t want them, what’s the hall in her having them?

If she's happy to pay for it - it's about 5x the cost of a standard cremation - I would let her have them.

I say this as someone who doesn't like ashes, even human ones, and I've had several pets cremated.

I wouldn’t make any firm decisions now, as to if you are going to claim the ashes or not. Give yourself space to change your mind without guilt.

Personally, I wouldn’t split ashes. Something about sharing bits of a family member creeps me out, as does keeping ashes. I know a lot of people feel very differently, but I wouldn’t be at all comfortable with my dog’s remains on someone’s shelf.

"Do you honestly think they burn just one body anyway?"

@Suzi888 it totally depends on the type of cremation you pay for. You can pay more for a sole cremation and that's the only way you get your pet's ashes back. There are a lot very professional companies who perform these services.

People KEEP ashes, on display, unscattered?

I had no idea this was even a thing. What?!

It’s your dog! It’s creepy and weird that MIL (or indeed anyone else) has asked for the ashes. I do not think you are being unreasonable in the slightest.

Yes, my sister has several former cats' ashes in nice boxes on her mantelpiece. She finds it comforting - I wouldn't, but each to their own.

@Thissucksmonkeynuts , I take it that you wasn't in the UK when that was said?

OP, as said if it would bring her comfort, why wouldn't you? Or buy a pet urn and fill it with a mix of fine sand/grit and give that to her.

@anotherpotoftea , originally the ashes wouldn't be scattered. It was scattering in sports grounds that made it so popular. It's why you can get elaborate Urns, for display.

She’s just lost her husband, the person she shared her life with. If your DDogs ashes resting with her DHs will give her extra comfort, and you don’t want them anyway, why is it such a big deal for you? As a pp said, would you have been so quick to say no if it was your own DM making the request.