To not let MIL have my dog's ashes!

[budgiegirl]

We (me, DH, and my children) have a much loved elderly Labrador. He's advancing in years, and has recently been so ill that we expected that we might have to have him put to sleep. Happily he recovered well, and is back with us for at least a while longer, although I am aware he has limited time left.

My FIL was utterly obsessed with our dog, he absolutely adored him, and would often dogsit for us (along with MIL). It was a standing joke that FIL preferred the dog to anyone else in our family. We also found over the years that my in-laws would sometimes let people think the dog was theirs, and make the odd comment that the dog preferred them to us, that he wanted to stay with them, that he didn't want to return home when they had looked after him etc (not true but we would just smile and nod, and say what a good job they had done looking after him)

FIL sadly passed away a few months ago, and his ashes are now displayed in a glass cabinet at my MILs. Obviously this has been a very difficult few months for MIL, who is outwardly coping well, but we know she has been struggling a bit when she is at home on her own.

When the dog was ill, MIL told me that she hoped that when the dog eventually did pass away, we would let her have his ashes, to place on the shelf next to her late husbands. My immediate reaction was to say no. I have absolutely no intention of having my dogs ashes back, I think I would find it too emotionally upsetting, and I certainly don't want to have to see them sitting next to FIL ashes when we visit.

However, I am feeling guilty about it. MIL face really fell when I said no, and although we moved the conversation on quickly, she was really quite upset. I appreciate she is grieving for her husband, and this would probably bring her some comfort, but I really, really hate the idea.

AIBU to say no to her, or should I let her have the ashes when the time comes?

You dont want the ashes. She would love the ashes.

Whats the issue? I dont really buy into people displaying/keeping ashes but if its ok for the FIL to be on display then why not the dog?

I would let her have them if you have no plans on keeping them . I find it ghoulish but each to their own .

Whats the issue? I dont really buy into people displaying/keeping ashes but if its ok for the FIL to be on display then why not the dog?

Having FIL on display is, quite obviously and correctly, not my choice. I would never, and have never, questioned my MILs decision on this. It’s completely up to her, and I know she wants the ashes there - it’s a focus for her grief, and she’s not ready to let them go.

That said, I don’t like it at all, I find it emotionally quite hard to see the urn. My side of the family have never dealt with death in this way. I’m sure I’m in the minority, but we have never had the ashes following the death of any of my relatives, including my lovely dad and grandparents. We have always said our goodbyes at the funeral, and the crematorium have scattered the ashes on our behalf , without us there. No grave, no headstone, no plaque. I don’t need or want a place to go to remember them. I remember them anyway, anywhere, all the time.

I know my dog is not a person, but I want the same for him. I get that MIL wants him on display with FIL, but I don’t. It’s not how I deal with death.

I feel the same way, however if it meant a member of my family, in laws etc recieved some comfort from it i would accept that it was worth it. Im sure your dog has given out huge love in his time. Be nice to think that he could give some comfort even when he has gone.

So you’d find seeing your dog’s ashes more upsetting than seeing your FiL’s?

I love my dog, but I know my FiL is her favourite person in the world and I think I’d be comforted to know they were together. (Even though it’s complete at odds with my completely unspiritual take on death.)

So you’d find seeing your dog’s ashes more upsetting than seeing your FiL’s?

Where did I say that? I find it very difficult to see FILs ashes, but I have no choice in that. I do have a choice whether to see my dogs ashes.

If you don't want them I'd give them to your mother-in-law. Maybe she feels that it would mean your Father-in-law is no longer lonely and they are together again.
Have you asked her why she would want them?
Also when a dog is cremated what happens to the ashes if the owners don't want them?

I don't understand the comfort that keeping ashes bring to people, but as OP said if someone else does, then that is their choice and none of my business, and I would have to deal with that.
However I would not want to deal with the fact that the burnt remains of my dead dog were sitting on display on my MIL's mantelpiece, even if she was willing to pay the extra money to ensure it was just his burnt remains and not the leftovers of a whole bunch of random cremated animals.
Give her a nice photo, perhaps a dog bowl.

I get you, OP. I'd not want my pets' ashes back, but I'd also not want someone else to have them. They're not a piece of old clothing to be made use of, they are the body of my much loved companion.

I'm also not an ashes person in general! We scattered my dad's ashes, as was his wish, in a place important to him. My mum doesn't want use to get her ashes back, when the time comes. We buried my childhood pets at first, but more recent pets have been cremated and weve not got ashes back. I'd also hated to have treated one pet so differently in death!

YABU. You don't even want the ashes, so if it brings her comfort to see them beside her dead husband's ashes, why would you deny her that. You let them care for the dog when you needed it to be looked after, so why not let her have this comfort.

I think if you weren't going to keep the ashes anyway then why not let her have them and give her a bit of comfort?

What does your dh say about this OP? Would he rather see the ashes in the bin than bringing comfort to his mum?

What does your dh say about this OP? Would he rather see the ashes in the bin than bringing comfort to his mum?

My DH feels the same as me. When I told him what she’d asked, he said he didn’t want that, even before I’d told him what my answer had been.

I'm someone who always has my pets ashes back.
I respect that some people prefer not to

I feel if you don't want your dogs ashes back (which is absolutely fine) then where's the harm in MIL having them, as he clearly means a lot to her, and it sounds like it could bring her comfort that fil and dog are together again (hopefully not for a while yet, fingers crossed dog is much better now).

I feel if you don't want your dogs ashes back (which is absolutely fine) then where's the harm in MIL having them

I don’t want him sitting in a box on a shelf, knowing he’s there every time I go round. I’d find that so hard. As I’ve said, it’s just not something we’ve ever done in my family, for people or pets, and I don’t want to start now.

I suppose I just have to decide if my upset at it is worth more to me (and my DH and kids) than the amount of comfort it would bring my MIL. It’s a tricky situation, because I don’t want to cause her upset, but I really really can’t stand the idea of my dog in a glass cabinet .

@Budgiegirlbob just because your MIL has lost her DH - doesn’t trump your feelings for your beloved dog (when the time comes) & how you want to remember him/her. I don’t think it should be a trade off and her comfort prioritised - she does not own the animal & therefore doesn’t get a say in what happens to them of after their death & how they will be remembered. Her assumption that he would go in the cabinet with FIL (yes she’s grieving & therefore maybe not herself) & shock when you declined is a bit peculiar if you ask me. As though you don’t own him/her & would have your own feelings & choices to make about that.

A photo, momento, collar etc is far more appropriate. Please don’t let guilt you into it.

We also found over the years that my in-laws would sometimes let people think the dog was theirs, and make the odd comment that the dog preferred them to us, that he wanted to stay with them, that he didn't want to return home when they had looked after him etc (not true but we would just smile and nod, and say what a good job they had done looking after him)

I would have found it genuinely hurtful if someone had ever acted as if my dog was theirs and said that it preferred them to me. To have to see my dog's ashes sitting in the home of someone who acted as if she was theirs, and claimed she preferred them to me, would have been unthinkable for me - as if they'd been trying to claim her from me in life and had finally won.

I know a lot of people just don't feel like that about dogs and that to a lot of people, it wouldn't be a big deal. But it would be a big deal to me.

Also, I know people are saying 'Well, if you don't want the ashes yourself, what's the problem?' but I think if you prefer to be able to remember your dog as the lovely happy boy he was and not associate him with an urn full of ashes, that is absolutely your decision to make.

OP, this is a decision only you can make, but I do think it's one where you need to go with your gut feeling and YANBU to feel uncomfortable about it. I can tell you do want to be kind to your MIL but ultimately, this was your dog and in this instance your feelings come first.

People behave strangely when they're grieving. Even quite a fair time later. She's passing on the grief over her DH to the dog. Because the dog is in the here and now and is maybe something she could have some control/say over.

For now, if it comes up again, I'd just shrug and say "huh, hadn't really thought about it, but that sounds like a weird idea."

After my dad died, my mum had her own weird moments. On the first anniversary of his death, she got up in arms about getting a PERFECT print of a photo I'd taken of her and her two sisters about 3 months previously. She couldn't seem to accept that there was nothing I could physically do about it. It comes out of the machine however it comes! It was bizzare.

But the next morning, when I wake up to find her crawling into bed with me, crying and saying "I miss dad." I was like, "ooooooh."

I would say no, but get a photo of the two of them together for her to put next to his ashes

Yes they do burn just the one if you want your pet’s ashes back.

I would have said No, OP, but as you do not want them back (I understand this, as I am absolutely the same I know I would never part with them and I have A LOT of pets so this isn’t possible!), then I think would say she could have them but she would have to collect them etc. Perhaps put them out of sight when you visit. It’s not just an ornament - those saying this just absolutely don’t understand or have experienced the utter heartbreak of losing a very special pet.

They do single cremation if you PAY for the service.

Surely the cost is somewhat of a factor to be considered? It's not cheap/

That doesn't include the cost of euthanasia.

Yes they do burn just the one if you want your pet’s ashes back

My vet offers a choice. Basic shared cremation - no ashes; shared cremation with ashes from the communal cremation; individual cremation so you only get your own pet 'back'.

just because your MIL has lost her DH - doesn’t trump your feelings for your beloved dog

I'd read that back and rephrase. Losing a spouse is a terrible thing. Much as we love our pets, it's not a comparable feeling.
Totally reasonable to ask mil to not leave them on display when you visit, but I do think her family should do what they can to give her comfort.

Couple of my pets are in the garden, no ashes. One is ashes in the bottom of a huge pot plant which has moved with me half a dozen times. My DPs did the same with their beloved dog, who is in a potted rose bush and also moved house with them. Might be worth a couple of lovely pots so they can be split and you can put one outside and not face it til it blooms?