To not let MIL have my dog's ashes!

[budgiegirl]

We (me, DH, and my children) have a much loved elderly Labrador. He's advancing in years, and has recently been so ill that we expected that we might have to have him put to sleep. Happily he recovered well, and is back with us for at least a while longer, although I am aware he has limited time left.

My FIL was utterly obsessed with our dog, he absolutely adored him, and would often dogsit for us (along with MIL). It was a standing joke that FIL preferred the dog to anyone else in our family. We also found over the years that my in-laws would sometimes let people think the dog was theirs, and make the odd comment that the dog preferred them to us, that he wanted to stay with them, that he didn't want to return home when they had looked after him etc (not true but we would just smile and nod, and say what a good job they had done looking after him)

FIL sadly passed away a few months ago, and his ashes are now displayed in a glass cabinet at my MILs. Obviously this has been a very difficult few months for MIL, who is outwardly coping well, but we know she has been struggling a bit when she is at home on her own.

When the dog was ill, MIL told me that she hoped that when the dog eventually did pass away, we would let her have his ashes, to place on the shelf next to her late husbands. My immediate reaction was to say no. I have absolutely no intention of having my dogs ashes back, I think I would find it too emotionally upsetting, and I certainly don't want to have to see them sitting next to FIL ashes when we visit.

However, I am feeling guilty about it. MIL face really fell when I said no, and although we moved the conversation on quickly, she was really quite upset. I appreciate she is grieving for her husband, and this would probably bring her some comfort, but I really, really hate the idea.

AIBU to say no to her, or should I let her have the ashes when the time comes?

I love my dogs more than most humans most of the time and even I would give her the ashes, I think it sounds very special and lovely what she wants to do. For those saying split the ashes I simply can't imagine ever doing that, humans or animals, it feels like splitting the deceased up (yes I know how cremation works)

Yes, this.

I can't believe how nasty some people are being to the OP.

She is grieving the loss of her husband. Because you don’t want to keep the ashes I would personally go along with this if it’ll bring her some comfort. It’s odd, but I don’t think I could deny her. She probably will take comfort in the idea that they are reunited seeing as he had such a love for the dog.

Can I suggest an alternative? If your MiL is so set on getting something of your pet, can you arrange to have a drawing done of your FiL playing with your dog? Kind of like the ones I'm seeing on the telly at the moment where the Queen is walking away with Paddington Bear, except in your drawing it would be your FiL and your dog? Get a pretty frame and give that to her as a Christmas present?

Would that be an option?

What would your dog want? Their ashes disposed of by the vet or sitting next to a person who cared deeply for them? You don’t want the ashes and they will give your husbands mum some peace knowing her husband and the dog are “together”. If you and your family decide you want to do something else with the ashes to remember your dog fair enough but you don’t.

I was ready to say YABU. I've just had my 20 year old cat put to sleep and my Mum wanted his ashes (even though he lived with me my entire life) which I said no to but I ended up feeling bad and getting her a piece of jewellery with some of his ashes in it for her.

However you don't want the ashes, I can't see the harm in it. You can say to her that you can't cope with them out when you're there.

If you were keeping them that is one thing bit as you wouldn't and the vet would just chuck them away then I don't see why not. Perhaps ask that they are scattered rather than on a shelf where you will still see them or that she puts them out of sight?

Thank you for all your comments, I appreciate it, and it’s given me some things to think about.

I do think, though, that some posters are missing the point about the ashes. You make it sound as though I don’t care about the ashes because I don’t want them back. It’s not the case at all - quite the opposite, I care a lot. I don’t want anyone to have the ashes - i absolutely hate the thought of my ‘dog’ sitting on a shelf, or in a cupboard, somewhere, be that my home, MILs home, or any other home!
its really not a case of ‘well, I don’t want them, so she might as well have them’.

For those who say I’d feel differently if it was my mum, I genuinely don’t think I would. I love MIL very much, we’re close, and for what it’s worth, my DH feels the same way about the ashes.

Do you really prefer the thought of the ashes being thrown away as waste though? Because that’s the alternative. It doesn’t seem a very honourable or dignified end to your dogs life.

It will bring your MIL comfort and the dogs ashes will rest with someone who cared about him very much.

I’ve just paid £140 to have an individual cremation of my medium sized dog so it doesn’t have to cost the earth.

This is a really nice idea.

Well, there's a cost consideration for a start.

If you want your pets specific ashes you have to pay for that service. Otherwise you receive nothing. If OP had no plans or desire to keep the ashes, she'll also be paying (and it's not cheap!) for something she doesn't want to look at?

She already has a framed picture of the dog with FIL, next to his urn, and umpteen photos of the dog around, on walls, on calendars etc.

But I’d be happy for her to have a toy, or a collar tag or something once the dog has gone.

Collar tag is a lovely idea. Suggest that.

Is she ready or thought about scattering her husband's ashes? If so perhaps you could scatter them both together? A place they loved to walk?

Do you really prefer the thought of the ashes being thrown away as waste though?

She's just said so. Why can't people have enough empathy to under that other people feel differently about some things than they do? I'd have thought it was obvious this week in particular people have very different reactions around dealing with death.

We've scattered our dogs' ashes in a nice meadow, but I can well understand someone not wanting to do that. For the last physical remembrance being the dog rather than his ashes.

Is she ready or thought about scattering her husband's ashes? If so perhaps you could scatter them both together? A place they loved to walk?

Not even close to ready. I think FIL will sit in the glass cabinet for the rest of MILs life.

She's just said so. Why can't people have enough empathy to under that other people feel differently about some things than they do?

For the last physical remembrance being the dog rather than his ashes

Thank you. This is exactly how I feel.

It seems a bit mean not to allow her to have them as it would mean so much to her if you don't want them. You'd rather they were destroyed than let her gain comfort from them? Really?

I think this is a hard one actually even though it doesn't seem so difficult at first glance.

On the one hand you don't want the ashes. On the other hand your mil would obviously find it comforting to have them. Although it seems not quite right to be talking to you about this when your lovely dog is still around.

What jumped out at me was that you said that maybe your mil is struggling and maybe more so when she's alone. Could it be that she finds the ashes themselves comforting because it is a focus that makes her feel like her husband is still there in some way or form? Could it be that the dog's ashes will add to this and maybe psychologically she'd feel he's not alone when she's out and maybe helps make her feel less alone having both there? I think there is a powerful primal thing people can have about having a focus point for their grief and also for their sense of having something symbolic to talk to or whatever. People are all different about this. For many it might be a grave where they can visit and talk to the person. For those that scatter ashes it might be a place to go and maybe just talk to the air or remember the person. For others it might be the ashes and the vessel holding the ashes that provides that focal point.

I had my dog cremated and have his ashes. I was dreadfully upset by his death and couldn't talk about it for ages. However I feel weirdly nothing about the ashes but still feel like I can't scatter and leave them but neither do I find them sitting about very comforting in their pastel-coloured presentation cardboard tube! I think we all have a wish to do something meaningful but I just can't find the right meaningful thing for me. I wish he had a grave. My childhood dog was buried and I found that a lot easier. Graves feel more solid and poignant to me. I hope to find the right place eventually to scatter the ashes and I hope that might take away the weird feeling. I like the idea of burying them and planting a nice flowering shrub or tree there. Life coming forth again sort of thing.

It can be hard when other people have a different way of thinking about and talking about death than you do. I struggle with a lot of the "rainbow bridge" type talk for example when it comes to animals. What comforts some can feel very alien to others and when it is our own sadness it can feel intrusive for someone else to impose their way of thinking about it on you. I wonder if this is what's going on here. Your MIL has had a terrible loss but as a result it could feel like you have to adopt her way of grieving and thinking about it when you don't look at things in the same way.

I don't know what the answer is. Perhaps finding a way of memorialising both that you both find fitting and meaningful? That would require real talking and engaging. Maybe this feels inappropriate whilst your beloved dog is still here. But it might help get to the bottom of why she is requesting this and also maybe will help you understand if she's struggling in the evenings or when alone, maybe. There might be other more comforting ways of remembering and doing something that you both find meaningful and appropriate to your ways of thinking may be better in terms of your being able to share something and express something that could be more helpful to both in the end. It is difficult though and would involve a very sensitive conversation.

I keep my husbands ashes on my bedside cabinet. Nearly 5 years now. I have on occasion considered moving him to another room...actually picked him up and turned to carry him out on 2 occasions. But couldn't do it. Felt as if I was abandoning him.

We also had all our pets cremated and their ashes are on a shelf along with photos of them, collars, and their favourite toys. But they are not in the bedroom.

We all take comfort in different ways, from different things. Your MIL is bereft at losing her love. Could you not be comforted by the thought that the eventual loss of your lovely dog might help your MIL?

OP I am going to be honest here this was your dog and you choose what to do with their ashes. Pets are part of the family and if you do not want their ashes sitting in someone else’s cabinet then you are allowed to feel that way.

I imagine MIL is in unbelievable pain losing her husband and I can understand her logic behind asking for the ashes but you do get the final say.

I like some of the ideas about putting some ashes in jewellery or something but this is more that MIL wants ashes sitting next to FIL ashes so not sure if this would work or what MIL is asking for

I’m sure many posters wouldn’t want their family members ashes sitting with other people. I think people forget a dog is just as much as part of the family and isn’t just a “pet” xx thinking of you OP!

I would also add that I assume you are living with others and her alone? I think that might be very relevant here to the idea of having the ashes there. You do seem to be presenting in terms of sitting in a glass cabinet. But I suspect it's more to do with a feeling of company and not being alone. I don't know if I'd be selfless enough to focus on that in the same situation but as you obviously care a lot about her and get on well, it might be something to bear in mind. You will have people around you, but she's having to deal with being alone as well as her grief.

But I hope your dog potters along for a good while yet, though, OP! Enjoy him and have fun with him in the present.

Just because someone is grieving then it doesn’t mean they always get what they want. I say no, he was your dog -whether she pretended things were otherwise isn’t the point

You have told her no, which she seems to have accepted, and I’d leave it at that.

Your pet’s remains are yours to do with what you want. Whatever fantasy she may have had about the dog being hers, it wasn’t her dog and it’s not her decision.

I am sure she would be very careful with them but as you have said, you would not have control over what she did with them and you would not like to see them there every time you go round. That is entirely legitimate and it’s your decision to make. Some people (including me) want to keep their pet’s ashes and have them on display. Others don’t, and that validly includes not wanting to hand them over to someone else, however well meaning, for that person to display. It is reasonable to say “I don’t want anyone to have them or display them”. The fact that you don’t want them doesn’t mean you are somehow being selfish by not handing them over to her.

Yea I would if it would bring her comfort during such a terrible time (if I wasn’t going to keep them or dispose of them in a way that I found most meaningful) x

If you don't want the ashes, I don't understand why you'd say no to her having them. Implying it would upset you more to see your dog's ashes than your FIL's is an 'interesting' pov.