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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let MIL have my dog's ashes!

131 replies

budgiegirl · 13/09/2022 23:54

We (me, DH, and my children) have a much loved elderly Labrador. He's advancing in years, and has recently been so ill that we expected that we might have to have him put to sleep. Happily he recovered well, and is back with us for at least a while longer, although I am aware he has limited time left.

My FIL was utterly obsessed with our dog, he absolutely adored him, and would often dogsit for us (along with MIL). It was a standing joke that FIL preferred the dog to anyone else in our family. We also found over the years that my in-laws would sometimes let people think the dog was theirs, and make the odd comment that the dog preferred them to us, that he wanted to stay with them, that he didn't want to return home when they had looked after him etc (not true but we would just smile and nod, and say what a good job they had done looking after him)

FIL sadly passed away a few months ago, and his ashes are now displayed in a glass cabinet at my MILs. Obviously this has been a very difficult few months for MIL, who is outwardly coping well, but we know she has been struggling a bit when she is at home on her own.

When the dog was ill, MIL told me that she hoped that when the dog eventually did pass away, we would let her have his ashes, to place on the shelf next to her late husbands. My immediate reaction was to say no. I have absolutely no intention of having my dogs ashes back, I think I would find it too emotionally upsetting, and I certainly don't want to have to see them sitting next to FIL ashes when we visit.

However, I am feeling guilty about it. MIL face really fell when I said no, and although we moved the conversation on quickly, she was really quite upset. I appreciate she is grieving for her husband, and this would probably bring her some comfort, but I really, really hate the idea.

AIBU to say no to her, or should I let her have the ashes when the time comes?

OP posts:

Sniffypete · 14/09/2022 07:43

LaurieFairyCake · 14/09/2022 06:50

It's £400 to get your dog cremated and ashes back (at least)

We opted to not have our dog cremated last time as I got my cat done and then couldn't bear to scatter them (so I'm now carrying a box of ashes from house to house like a crazy person)

Bloody hell. I think I paid that for my mums cremation.

MiauzenKatzenjammer · 14/09/2022 07:49

You should be guided by your own instinct. I would not agree to this, but that's because I find the whole idea of displaying ashes in a living room distasteful.

OGLittlePickerWithTheMassiveKnickers · 14/09/2022 07:49

If you don’t want the ashes, I don’t understand why you wouldn’t let her have them. It would be such a kind thing to do. She lost her husband…

Bobbins36 · 14/09/2022 07:51

Mumspair1 · 14/09/2022 05:05

This. Why can't she have a small portion. Does it really that much to you, to be so petty? What is a small portion to you, that would mean so much to her especially knowing how much your FIL loved the dog ?

Show quote history

@Mumspair1 I couldn’t split ashes, feels very weird to me to have bits of someone in different places. I feel uncomfortable with those pieces of jewellery that contain some of peoples ashes. I’d feel the same about my dog tbh.

KentuckyDerbyandJoan · 14/09/2022 07:55

CircleofWillis · 14/09/2022 03:15

Surely seeing your father-in-law's ashes are already upsetting? I can't imagine that the ashes of a beloved dog would trump that. If it would give your MIL comfort I would let her have the ashes.

Let her have the ashes, much better than leaving them to be scattered by someone unknown to your dog. You are being really unreasonable OP.

ErrolTheDragon · 14/09/2022 08:03

Those people saying the OP is being unreasonable doesn't understand how upsetting losing a dog can be for the person who cares for it day in, day out. If she complies with her MILs rather odd request, it'll probably upset her every time she visits.

Ooohyeah · 14/09/2022 08:04

You are being so unreasonable OP, you don’t even want them so surely it’s more respectful to let MIL have them instead? I think you’re being deliberately power hungry and mean. You’d rather they just disappeared in a bin somewhere than let him rest beside your FIL. I just find it odd.

PolkaDotShoes · 14/09/2022 08:09

If you really don't want them and would honestly just let the vet / crematorium dispose of them, then I think it's a bit mean to deny them to your MIL who also loved the dog and is clearly in a state of emotional distress anyway.
I don't understand why you don't care about having them back for yourself / scattering them somewhere significant - but you don't want anyone else to have them. If you had your own plans for them then I would say were not being unreasonable not wanting her to have them, but as you don't....
A better plan in my eyes would be to scatter both the dog and the FIL's ashes together, somewhere significant - perhaps where they enjoyed walking together. This might help MIL move on to the next phase of her grief and would mean there was somewhere everyone could visit to share memories of these two precious lives.

FWIW I have my cat's ashes - but I wanted them and paid extra for an individual cremation and the ashes boxed and returned.

ChilliPB · 14/09/2022 08:10

If you decide you don’t want to give her the ashes @budgiegirl (which I think is completely understandable) what about framing a lovely picture of FIL with the dog for her to put near FILs ashes if she wanted to? Or something similarly sentimental for her to have that memory of him and your dog?

girlmom21 · 14/09/2022 08:15

I'd give them to her if you don't want them.
I think having ashes on display is a bit obscure but if it brings her comfort there's no harm in it.

It will only be upsetting to see for as long as you think of it as your dog.

queenMab99 · 14/09/2022 08:15

Keeping ashes whether human or animal, is not something I would want to do, I scattered my husbands ashes in a place he loved, and my son's in a place we had had happy family times. I do not need a memento of them to remind me I remember them both every day. My old dog had had a great life, he was loved but his ashes were not him. I find this obsession with keeping ashes rather weird, and felt uncomfortable when I had them in the house until we had arranged a place to scatter them, as if I was hanging on to a part of them instead of letting go.
Let your old dog go when the time comes, the important part of him stays in the hearts of the people who love him.

GeekyThings · 14/09/2022 08:21

YANBU - I think lots of people commenting seem to be forgetting that this is your dog, and so you are going to be more devastated by the loss of your dog and family member than your MIL, who looked after him sometimes. If it will upset you to see his ashes there every time you visit then definitely don't give them to her.

When my cat died a neighbour whose house she frequented was similarly devastated. I wasn't going to give him anything of hers as I was obviously even more devastated, but I gave him a picture, which he has framed in his living room. Maybe something like that could be an alternative? So it isn't her ashes, it's just a photo, but one of her happy that you enjoy looking at.

BrownOrangeRed · 14/09/2022 08:21

Give her a pet urn with some sand in, tell her it's the dogs ashes and do whatever your wishes are after your dog passes, problem solved, everyone's happy.

Ineedsleepandcoffee · 14/09/2022 08:27

It is your dog and if you would find it upsetting, that takes priority. Could there be some sort of compromise reached so you let her have a collar or tag?

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 14/09/2022 08:30

It seems a little petty. You don’t want them but she does, let her have them. Maybe you could come to an agreement where she puts the urn away when she knows you’re popping over? You may even get used to it after a while.

LuckyLil · 14/09/2022 08:34

It seems a bit odd she even asked for them as it's not her dog. I keep mine anyway because I want them with me when I go but I wouldn't even contemplate giving them to someone else.

lemmein · 14/09/2022 08:42

If it was my mum in this scenario, and DH said no but didn't want the ashes himself I'd think he was being a grade A dick!

Understandable if it's a cost thing though.

RoseAylingEllisFanClub · 14/09/2022 08:48

So much #bekind to MIL, but didn’t those people see that they would pass off the dog as theirs sometimes to other people? She lied, basically.

I can guarantee that having the ashes would make her start other lies, “well he was ours really and we got him back at the end“ and the like. In the end, it wouldn’t just be with other people, it would be with OP, a false narrative that would distress her even more.

Don’t give her a hook for her fantasies.

Then what if she made arrangements for the ashes to be disposed of after her death by someone else (e.g. sibling of OP’s DH)? You don’t want that.

I would refuse as well, completely reasonable to refuse outright. It was silly of MIL to even consider this as an option, but as PP have said, she’s not thinking straight atm.

Toddlerteaplease · 14/09/2022 08:51

I had a spoonful of my cats ashes made into a glass ornament. Could you do that instead?

Samarie123 · 14/09/2022 08:53

If you don't want the ashes I think you should let her have them. I think it would be a nice thing to do if you don't want them.

PotatoScollop · 14/09/2022 08:54

lemmein · 14/09/2022 08:42

If it was my mum in this scenario, and DH said no but didn't want the ashes himself I'd think he was being a grade A dick!

Understandable if it's a cost thing though.

This ^.

If you don't even want the ashes yourself, then why not let a loved family member appreciate them? It's obvious she/they loved the dog, her & FIL helped you both out taking care of the dog 'often', so why not extend a kindness back now? She will obviously look after them along with her FIL's.

As far as the cost - yes it costs extra, so as long as she's happy to pay for it, since you weren't going to have them returned originally, that sorts the cost issue out.

As far as being upset at seeing the ashes when you visit, I'm sure you could come to an agreement about putting the ashes away when you visit, if you emphasise how much it would upset you to see them.

If you wanted to be kind to her, there's ways around the details, quite easily. I think you're being mean spirited and if my partner behaved like that towards my mum, it would be very telling. I really do not see how the ashes are worse off in her care than disposed of along with other peoples pets ashes (assuming you were not getting an individual cremation hence not getting the ashes back).

I'm sorry your dog is nearing the end of his life, it's very heartbreaking as a fellow dog owner.

Justcashnosweets · 14/09/2022 08:55

If you don't want the ashes, then why wouldn't you let MIL have them? She's obviously been through a lot, and if having your dogs ashes, that you don't want, brings her some comfort, then whats the harm? Would it really upset you that much to see them in her house?

HarryBlaster · 14/09/2022 08:57

No absolutely not. Having lost my elderly Labrador last year I completely understand your grief and it is just as warranted as losing any member of the family. He was my boy and you can explain this gently to her and she will just have to wear it. She’s being unreasonable and probably not really thinking clearly in her own grief. I am sorry for your loss x

Chesneyhawkes1 · 14/09/2022 08:58

I have all my dogs ashes. I bury them in a pot with a nice rose bush or something.

However I'd give my MIL some if she felt this strongly. And if I didn't want the ashes at all, I'd let her have the lot.

ImAvingOops · 14/09/2022 08:58

You don't want them and she does - I actually think it's really mean to not do this for her, when it would bring her comfort. The woman has just lost her husband and I think her family should be doing everything they can to help her cope. You are allowing your (legitimate) annoyance over their 'claiming' of the dog to get in the way a bit here.

Either way though, don't lie to her and give her fake ashes. It's needlessly cruel. Some people are really shitty to their Mil for absolutely no good reason. The deceive her lije that would be unforgivable imo.

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