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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to contact my first love's widow

283 replies

KitsilanoBeach · 13/09/2022 12:16

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 14/09/2022 19:32

Why on earth do you think his widow would want to hear from you is beyond me, it seems it’s about you, please do not do this, you were children he dumped you, my friend has recently been widowed she wouldn’t take kindly to this, it’s just plain weird

Barney60 · 14/09/2022 19:35

Had similar a couple of years ago, my first love we were together for a long time from 15-17 for teenagers, ive thought of him often over the years just wondering how he got on in his life.
Few years ago, a friend of mine contacted me, ( i moved away from the area) with news, pictures ect, turns out he moved to Devon, was lying on his sofa watching a film his wife , now widow obviously, had gone to bed. She found him dead the next morning, he had had a heart attack.
I thought long and hard as to how id feel in the same situation, i so wanted to go the funeral but decided it was not appropriate.

rayrayx · 14/09/2022 19:35

His death is not about you, is ok to feel sad but to go any further than than is weird

menopausalbloat · 14/09/2022 19:38

What did I just read? You seem a little unhinged.

drpet49 · 14/09/2022 19:39

SmileyClare · 13/09/2022 12:27

Come on! You were his girlfriend for a few months at age 14 and haven't been in touch for decades.

Your comments; "you both loved him" "You were his first love" "his death has affected you" and so on make me think you've got carried away having a nosey online and caught up in his sad story. It's a little self absorbed, sorry.

Don't intrude on his wife's grief.

This. You sound a little obsessed OP. Leave this alone.

OriginalUsername2 · 14/09/2022 19:42

Don’t do it. It’s not about you in any way. I would be livid.

KittyEmK · 14/09/2022 19:44

I think it's a lovely idea. If I was in her shoes I would be so happy to hear from someone with memories of a loved one to share, I don't think it's weird at all. I would say that it's probably easier for you to judge how it will be received having read her writing.

SofaLola33 · 14/09/2022 19:45

I can understand why you would want to and if it hadn’t been so long ago I might of said yes, as a old school friend but so much time has passed for her and though she will still be grieving, approaching her now maybe very triggering for her.

mam0918 · 14/09/2022 19:48

minpin · 14/09/2022 19:07

Hi OP. Categorically YES contact her. I say this because I also sadly lost my husband to cancer in 2019. We’d been together 20+ years, 2 kids and a life together. I relish the conversations with his friends; the memories the stories. If someone contacted me and said they were an old girlfriend I’d be delighted. And it’s your sad loss too, despite the years. So as someone in her shoes PLEASE make contact.

What about the litrally dozens of other women on here also in the same situation that have said catagorically DON'T do this and how upset they where that people did try to do this.

Your enjoyment doesnt top their pain, if theres any chance this may hurt the woman (and theres a good chance it might) you obviously DON'T do it.

Your experiance is totally valid to your life but NOT to blanket the situation and you are not the woman in question.

Noteverybodylives · 14/09/2022 19:49

It would really annoy me if you hadn’t got in contact with him when he was alive but are now making the effort now he’s died.

There are people who contact loved ones after someone has died, even if they have never met them. And enjoy sharing in their grieving.
It is called something but I can’t remember what.

It sounds like you are one of those people.
It sounds like you found out he’d died and now you think you’re part of it somehow as you had a thing with him when you were teens.

It was years ago and it’s weird to reach out to his widow.

lottiegarbanzo · 14/09/2022 19:52

I think if you write briefly, kindly, sensitively and honestly; essentially to let her know that you remember her husband as a lovely man, you looked him up and are sorry to hear he's gone, that she's lost him - so asking nothing of her, just letting her know you thought of him and remember him fondly, she might find that touching.

She can find it odd, that's fine but if it's just a kind recollection, asking nothing of her, that's fine, she can ignore it.

Summerslam · 14/09/2022 19:57

Don't write to her. Write to him then throw the letter away. Make a donation to the hospice where he was cared for, or to a specific cancer charity in his name. Don't make this all about you, it's really not.

I don't know why you even googled someone you dated in your teens, it's bizarre.

mam0918 · 14/09/2022 19:58

Noteverybodylives · 14/09/2022 19:49

It would really annoy me if you hadn’t got in contact with him when he was alive but are now making the effort now he’s died.

There are people who contact loved ones after someone has died, even if they have never met them. And enjoy sharing in their grieving.
It is called something but I can’t remember what.

It sounds like you are one of those people.
It sounds like you found out he’d died and now you think you’re part of it somehow as you had a thing with him when you were teens.

It was years ago and it’s weird to reach out to his widow.

Makes me think of Wailing Widows or Black Widows

My family is Irish Catholic although my refused to take me and my siblings to catholic funerals as a child and warned me to avoid them as a teen (said she would go and 'take the bullet' for all of us).

She use to discribe the 'wailing widows' who where random women who would show up head to toe in black (including black veils) sit at the front and weep loudly even though they where COMPLETE STRANGERS to the deceased.

Apparently they would trawl obituaries in the local area and attend any and all catholic funeral regardless of if they knew the people or not... my mam said it always creeped her out.

cleverbooker · 14/09/2022 20:18

I am a widow, my husband passed away almost 6 years ago. I say contact her. It’s lovely when your late partner is remembered by others.

Mandyjack · 14/09/2022 20:24

KitsilanoBeach · 13/09/2022 12:16

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

What would you have to gain by contacting her? I wouldn't want to hear from someone who once kissed & dated my late husband.
He obviously got over you, leave her to her grief.

morekidsthanhands1 · 14/09/2022 20:27

Leave her be. Talk to a close friend about him if you want to share your feelings but don’t contact her. It’s been too long since he died and I am not sure it’ll help either if you tbh

laujyou · 14/09/2022 20:27

I originally voted that you are not being unreasonable. However, I then thought about whether I would want to hear from my partner's ex girlfriend/short romance from years gone by should I be in the widow's shoes. The answer is no. Absolutely not. You need to find another outlet to get over this.

x2boys · 14/09/2022 20:42

I don't know somebody I knew when we were young passed away suddenly a few weeks ago he was the ex of my old housemate/ friend but was always at the house so I knew him well ,his ex posted about him passing away they had both moved on but were together for about ten years and she had kept intouch with him and his family I replied to her post saying how sad it was and one of his friends messaged me posting a video of him in his " band" in the 90,s I exchanged a few messages with his friend saying how how I knew him and hoped he was now at peace and expressed my sorrow for his loss and his friends families loss and a few memories I had of him but I'm not sure I would have reached out if I hadn't been contacted iyswim

Noteverybodylives · 14/09/2022 20:47

She use to discribe the 'wailing widows' who where random women who would show up head to toe in black (including black veils) sit at the front and weep loudly even though they where COMPLETE STRANGERS to the deceased.

Apparently they would trawl obituaries in the local area and attend any and all catholic funeral regardless of if they knew the people or not... my mam said it always creeped her out.

Oh wow that’s so strange!
I didn’t know they’d randomly turn up to funerals!

I remember watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle and I don’t remember the story line but they met because the man had seen her story of her child dying and felt a connection and reached out and they became good friends where they would mourn the child (who he’d never met) together and it was all so weird.

Then I researched it and it’s apparently really common!

MigsandTiggs · 14/09/2022 20:48

I'm a widow. I would NOT like to hear from some random stranger claiming to be his teenage ex-girlfriend, years after my husband's death.

NoPaintedPony · 14/09/2022 20:49

No. Just no. Under no circumstances should u send her a letter.
U are doing it for purely selfish reasons. As a young widow myself I have experienced my fair share of ‘grief tourists’, which is what u are.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/09/2022 20:50

mam0918 · 14/09/2022 19:58

Makes me think of Wailing Widows or Black Widows

My family is Irish Catholic although my refused to take me and my siblings to catholic funerals as a child and warned me to avoid them as a teen (said she would go and 'take the bullet' for all of us).

She use to discribe the 'wailing widows' who where random women who would show up head to toe in black (including black veils) sit at the front and weep loudly even though they where COMPLETE STRANGERS to the deceased.

Apparently they would trawl obituaries in the local area and attend any and all catholic funeral regardless of if they knew the people or not... my mam said it always creeped her out.

Show quote history

shudder! Confused Sinister as f*ck!

PandaBearBear · 14/09/2022 20:53

As someone who was widowed almost 2 years ago I can't even tell you how much grief vampires piss me off.

I can't tell you the amount of people who have contacted me since his death that were not a big deal in his life. Some of them I'd never heard of, some of them I knew he hadn't even liked. And they all seem to want the same thing - validation that they'd had some kind of connection with him so they were entitled to some of this grief. It is fucking exhausting and doesn't offer me any kind of comfort or happiness.

You sound unhinged, he was someone you used to know years ago. The correct response to finding that news would be to think to yourself 'oh how very sad' and carry on with your life, maybe thinking about how sad that thing is for a while. Not stalking his wife online and considering contacting her.

I love to share memories of my husband with his friends and family - the people who he loved and shared his life with. You do not fall into this category with this man and you need to leave his grieving widow alone.

GraveAndQuietAtTheMouthOfHell · 14/09/2022 20:53

I wouldn't have welcomed a letter from my husband's first love when he died.

Vodkaskirts · 14/09/2022 20:59

As a widow my husband was 42 when he died. I would defo not want to receive contact from you. Qnd would probably be quite freaked out by it