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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to contact my first love's widow

283 replies

KitsilanoBeach · 13/09/2022 12:16

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 14/09/2022 21:00

Wailing Widows is a cracking name for a metal band though! 🎸🎶🎹🎤🥁

Also, where is the OP? Confused Hasn't been here since yesterday lunchtime. Where are you @KitsilanoBeach ???

xsquared · 14/09/2022 21:02

No, please don't. You had to do a bit of Internet stalking to find out this information and it will not be kindly received.

Shauny098 · 14/09/2022 21:16

KitsilanoBeach · 13/09/2022 12:16

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

Hi,
My husband took his life 6 years ago leaving me a widow at age 29. I would not contact his widow. At the time I had so many ppl come out of the woodwork claiming to know him and be his best mate that it all became just too much. I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing as I can tell you are sincere I just feel that it’s unnecessary. All these years later, what would be the reason? It sounds like it’s more because you’ve felt a kind of grief and you are hoping contacting her would make you feel better somehow.

I would maybe do something for him privately. Light a candle, write a letter to him, perhaps if you know where he’s buried leave flowers. It sounds like it’s important to you to mark his death in some way and there’s no harm in doing that but I would certainly do it privately and just for you.

Apandemicyousay · 14/09/2022 21:22

As per PP, if you contact her do not mention the romance aspect. Only to say that you were teenage friends, have happy memories (maybe include a funny non-romantic anecdote) and send condolences.

I think it's particularly hard if she' in public eye too, as I suspect she gets contacted by all sorts of genuine people, but by many weirdos too, and so having a romance angle on it may put you in the 'fantasist/weirdo' group and only serves your grief, and not hers.

Dexionmagic · 14/09/2022 21:26

Mamoun · 13/09/2022 12:20

I think it is a lovely intention and I would do it. I think it will make her smile and happy to know that he is remembered. I wouldn't go into much details about the romance. Maybe just say that you had an early teenage fling and that it was nice. Don't say you loved him or whatever - that's between him and you anyway.

This.

ThreeRingCircus · 14/09/2022 21:27

It seems like it would be about your feelings rather than hers, so don’t do it. Find a way of marking the moment that doesn’t intrude on her grief. Leave flowers in a meaningful place, for example, or make a donation to a cancer charity.

I agree with this. I'm not even sure a message that leaves out any mention of you dating him and positions you as just someone that knew him as a teenager is a good idea. It has far more potential to cause upset for his widow than bring her comfort so no, I wouldn't do it.

ReformedWaywardTeen · 14/09/2022 21:36

Yeah, no that's not a good idea OP.
I don't see what it would achieve?

I found out my first boyfriend passed away, and I really did truly believe I loved him at the time, but I would never have thought to contact anyone to do with him no.

TokidokiBarbie · 14/09/2022 21:36

XelaM · 13/09/2022 12:25

Why not? I don't get all the people saying "no". Why not?

Because OP is pretty much inconsequential in his life. They had a brief childhood fling decades ago which apparently meant less to him as he dumped her. OP didn't even really know him past his childhood.

On the other hand, his wife is the woman he chose to marry and likely knew him very well and had a real bond. She doesn't need to be contacted by a random years after her husbands death to hear about some teenage fling. She already has 1000x more memories of him than OP does.

mussymummy · 14/09/2022 21:37

BamBamBilla · 13/09/2022 12:21

Sounds like you would be doing this for you not her.

This just this, these words came into my head reading your post OP. Please don't do it it won't benefit her.

ArseyDarcie · 14/09/2022 21:39

Just say he was a childhood friend. No need to mention love or relationships.

ChaToilLeam · 14/09/2022 22:20

I think you are right to leave it be. By doing nothing you won’t make her grief any better or worse; by contacting her you have the potential to cause great upset. Remember your old friend fondly in your own way.

Badunkadunk · 14/09/2022 22:23

If you want to offer condolences do so as an old childhood friend from childhood. Do not announce yourself as a childhood flame.

TokidokiBarbie · 14/09/2022 22:32

Don't be a grief hawk.

a1poshpaws · 14/09/2022 22:38

I was widowed at the start of Covid and I would have been, and still would be, very upset if one of my husband's ex-girlfriends contacted me. It may not be rational, but I'd feel they were "poaching" on my grief. I know how much he loved me, and I him, and I would consider anyone telling me how much he meant to them a threat - I said it wasn't rational!

Since you've no way of knowing how she would feel - don't risk upsetting her.

Flippingnora100 · 14/09/2022 23:04

I wouldn’t contact her either as I see no benefit to her. Do your own private ritual.

Kellymumto2 · 14/09/2022 23:15

You would be doing it for you. Not her. But why shouldn’t you do it for you?
you say it’s been a while so she is probably not still caught up in the throes of grief. Send the letter, say what you need to. If she replies great. If she doesn’t, fine. You do you and let her do her. You don’t know this women, nor do we, you can preempt what she may or may not feel, if she will reflect upon it positively or not. You can only do what you feel and see what happens. Good luck with whatever you decide.

PandaBearBear · 14/09/2022 23:21

Kellymumto2 · 14/09/2022 23:15

You would be doing it for you. Not her. But why shouldn’t you do it for you?
you say it’s been a while so she is probably not still caught up in the throes of grief. Send the letter, say what you need to. If she replies great. If she doesn’t, fine. You do you and let her do her. You don’t know this women, nor do we, you can preempt what she may or may not feel, if she will reflect upon it positively or not. You can only do what you feel and see what happens. Good luck with whatever you decide.

This is very insensitive and such bad advice.

It's been 3 years, he was her husband. 3 years is nothing.

OP shouldn't do it 'for herself' because there is a real womans feelings at risk here. OP has not lost anything - this man was not in her life. This woman has lost her husband.

blackheartsgirl · 14/09/2022 23:37

3 years is nothing when you are grieving for your husband/wife.

people only say stupid shit after 3years a person is fine and not caught up in the throes of grief blah blah when they haven’t ever experienced it.

let me tell you that although it’s only been 15 months for me, the grief can often be as raw and painful as the day it happened.

my mum is 15 years down the line and the raw grief still catches her out at times when she is reminded of my my dad.

MessyBunPersonified · 14/09/2022 23:57

Kellymumto2 · 14/09/2022 23:15

You would be doing it for you. Not her. But why shouldn’t you do it for you?
you say it’s been a while so she is probably not still caught up in the throes of grief. Send the letter, say what you need to. If she replies great. If she doesn’t, fine. You do you and let her do her. You don’t know this women, nor do we, you can preempt what she may or may not feel, if she will reflect upon it positively or not. You can only do what you feel and see what happens. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Why shouldn't the op invade a strangers life and grief because she had a childhood fling for a couple of months?

Are you serious?

Op can't go and trauma dump on a widow to make herself feel better about discovering the death of someone she knew briefly decades ago.

Utterly selfish, and terrible advice.

SylvieB74 · 15/09/2022 00:05

Just imagine if this was the other way around. Why have you even been googling him and stuff after all this time? A lad who you were briefly with ages ago who dumped you anyway, this is all a bit nuts.

mumsy27 · 15/09/2022 00:08

I don't know if it has been mentioned before.
You need a closure, visit his grave if you can find it.

Libelula21 · 15/09/2022 00:11

northLodontoday · 14/09/2022 17:55

As a widow I would say no, especially since it happened in 2019. She is trying to move on and doesn't need triggers.

As someone who was widowed in 2019, I quite agree!

Dibbydoos · 15/09/2022 00:36

I def would not want to hear from an ex of my hubby, he died in 2016 and I wouldn't want it any more now than 3 years ago.

pinheadlarry · 15/09/2022 00:52

In your head, do you think you were his one true love? And that if he was alive he would leave his wife for you or something..

LaDamaDeElche · 15/09/2022 06:07

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2022 13:06

jesus christ no, that would be really fucking weird

I was hoping someone would say this! My thoughts exactly.