to contact my first love's widow

[KitsilanoBeach]

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

I’m a widow and I would quite like this.

I’m a widow and would hate this.

One of my friends has recently become a widow. Whilst she is fine with real friends expressing their sense of loss etc, she has been angry and upset at people who didn't really know her husband contacting her. She felt it false and didn't appreciate it. And I can understand why. I know your feelings are legitimate but you can still mourn in private and like you say, donate to charity in his name. I'm sorry for the loss of your first love.

@KitsilanoBeach Not being nasty, but are you very unhappy, and unfulfilled at the moment in your own life? It is very, very odd to have become so focused on something so far in the past and to think that contacting a total stranger in that kind of way would be appropriate otherwise. Also, why are you online stalking his widow, reading her writing and tracking her grief? That's really, really creepy and unhealthy. If I were you, I would reach out to someone you actually no for support or even see your GP.

Your post reads as though you are in a fantasy 'lost chance at happiness' territory, like a cheesy movie.

I’m a widow and I would love this.

Not going in or mentioning ‘I was his first love’ at all, but maybe ‘I was a close friend of X when we were teenagers’, maybe share a favourite story of him, offer your sympathy and leave it at that.
She doesn’t have to reply but it might be nice for her to know that you remember him fondly,

Bit harsh! However, I do agree somewhat. I think you have hit the nail on the head. It IS bizarre and a bit unhealthy what the OP is suggesting. To be mooning over a teenage romance that lasted just several months, many decades later, and wanting to speak to the widow of the boy/man you dated, (who you have never met or spoken to!) is utterly bizarre.

I had a young man turn up at my door one day asking to speak to my husband, there was a funny vibe. Called DH and he went to the door, came back grabbed his coat and left. Very embarrassing as the NCT mums were all there. They wee all agog.

Anyway he came back and it was his step son all grown up who just wanted to ask him some questions, the boy was about 5 when they split up and she never let him see the little boy again although they were close.

It was a weird moment and I think she must have had a type as he could have been my husband's, similar height, hair, build. Would be even weirder if it was after my husband died (he's still alive so I suppose it could happen one day) I wonder what he'd have said to me, maybe I'd just have been left wondering.

I quite like gallows humour, I have the curse of crying far too easily which doesn't work well with it.

Genuinely why was it embarrassing that your husband went to the door then grabbed his coat and went out? That makes no sense.

I'd contact her - I wouldn't mention that I loved him, all the dumping or friend drama that you've told us though. Just say you're an old school friend, and heard through the grapevine he'd died, and that you're really sorry for her loss as you remember him fondly. Then if you have any gentle/funny (and non-romantic) stories about him you could share, add them, particularly if they relate to the adult him (I always knew he'd be successful because he liked..., he always was so interested in... etc). It's years on, so you're not intruding on her grief. But please please, don't mention anything romantic and just maintain it was platonic.

Even if op doesn't mention anything romantic he may have said that op was his first kiss. His wife would then be wondering why op contacted her and is giving half a story.

It's years on, so you're not intruding on her grief.

A bereavement like that means you'll be grieving forever, so, regardless, op would be intruding for her own benefit. There's lots of potential for harm here and not a lot of potential for doing good.

I wouldn't. My Dad's first girlfriend kept trying to call him when he was dying in the Hospice (he hadn't heard from her in over 50 years). She then came to the funeral and tried to hug me and my Mum. They'd been no infidelity/jealousy issues on the part of my Mum or my Dad in their marriage, but it was just massively inappropriate and awkward.

I'd broken up with my first love a few months before my Dad passed and as much as my ex meant to me, I vowed I'd never do the same thing in the future. At the end of the day, people generally vastly change from their teenage selves. If you haven't stayed in touch over the years, you don't really know who that person was at the time they died.

As a widow I would say no, especially since it happened in 2019. She is trying to move on and doesn't need triggers.

My DB died a few years ago and my mum later received a letter from a girl he had dated at uni. They had been together for a maximum of 3 months and were not exclusive or serious (according to her letter and his friends). They didn't stay friends and had not seen each other in over 20 years, since they dated. She wished she had told him how she felt at the time and poured out how much he meant to her and how upset she was to hear of his passing. It was strange to be honest and we thought she was just a grief-pirate. My mother wrote back thanking her but politely put an end to the conversation. Then on his year anniversary she sent us a poem she wrote for him. It was borderline sexual to be honest and was incredibly odd. We ignored the letter and Havnt heard from her since.

There's literally no need for you to contact her. Please don't do it. Who wants to hear about past relationships? Never mind how long or brief. A partner does not want to hear any of that. She made her life with him and so did he, leave their/her memories alone.

I wouldn’t want to hear from you so please do not contact her. Find someone you can chat to about him.

I think a big reason why not is you don't know the widow - if, for example, it turns out she is anxious and insecure, such a contact might make her read it wrong and cause her distress; ie if she reads it as he loved you, or somehow reads it as he was unfaithful with you or something. Unlikely, I know, but some people are ultra-sensitive about even past relationships of their partners and I wouldn't risk causing her doubt and distress (even if that would be mainly her fault for being OTT if she was like that).

I think that sounds like the best option, the other being writing the letter but not sending it.

I can relate in terms of I was widowed very young whilst pregnant. Take it from me and please dont contact her. I had 2 of my late partners exs contact me after his death and it felt awful. If I found out an ex of mine had passed away I would silently wish the family well and leave it at that. Contacting her may open up partially healed emotions or even interfere with her grieving. Please, dont do it.

No don't contact her but write a letter to him that you never send. Think of him and the good times that you had and let his widow be x

I think theres some nasty comments here, - which are more reflective of others than you. whatever you decide to do trust your intuition. There’s no way of knowing how she will respond; personally I think any intent for women to connect and share is something precious. Yes you both had different experiences with this man and they are both valid and significant. So long as you are sensitive and prepared to hold space for whatever may emotionally come up for her I think you could make a sweet and healing connection here. Follow your heart. Blessings for that.

To be honest I wouldn’t even be happy if some school friend of my late husband who hadn’t seen him for years contacted me, especially four years after his death. I can’t see how it would be at all helpful to the widow. Letters received immediately after the death were supportive but a few years later it would just set me back.

I think if you contacted her saying you were just friends in teenage years and you’d come across to obituary and wanted to offer your condolence that would be fine. I think it’s nice to be remembered but you shouldn’t say anything about your first love, that would come off as a bit weird. When someone dies you savour every memory people can share with you because it feels like you’ve learnt something new. It sounds like she’s quite open with her grief if she’s written about it so probably wouldn’t break down into a whimpering mess at the very mention of his name. I wouldn’t expect anything back but I feel like it’s a nice thing in all

If I were her the last person I'd want to hear from would be an old flame.

Absolutely do not write to the widow.

he moved on, he made no effort to contact you. He made a life, he found his love.

you want to write to help your grief, you don’t care about the widow. You are being a grief thief, they are exhausting and often cruel.

go to therapy, talk to a friend. Do not invade someone else’s life.