to contact my first love's widow

[KitsilanoBeach]

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

No way.

Don't do it.
Remind yourself that teen flings are intense but not meaningful and move on.

Sickeningly indulgent.

This is all about you. It's not for him and it certainly isn't in any way for his wife. What could you possibly offer about someone who you knew for 2 minutes as a child.

Keep your lovely memories for yourself. Other people, outside of maybe family and close friends, are rarely interested in others' ramblings memories

I’m a widow and I’d be ok with this. People often reach out because as the widow (and kids), you’re sort of a last remnant of them. They want to tell me things they’d have told him or share a memory of him. I think it’s kind of an honour.

I can't believe anyone thinks this is a good idea.
I cannot imagine the pain of losing your husband, and to then receive a letter from someone he went out with for a few months a teenager would just be so.. I don't even know... random?! I wouldn't be upset because a past fling that long ago is so insignificant but I would be very very confused as to the purpose.

U can do so,the decission must come from you,not other people.They dont have right to telling you who to contact and who not.The lady might no need your understanding and ,might turn you down,or you might gain new friend.
You will not know unless you try.The other people are not your boss telng you what to do,you might regret it later to listen to them anyway/Good luck,all the best

I know you mean well, but I would hate this if I were her. It would feel like grief-signaling and trying to take from my own memories of him. The last thing I want reminding of is that he had other people before me as a partner. I would be clinging too hard to my own memories and any of yours would sully my own.

if you must, just say you weee a childhood friend and are sorry to hear of his passing. Or write him a letter and burn it so you can get closure

No. Because this is way more about you than her. And also because as you say, she is a professional writer. You don't want to find yourself starring in a thinkpiece about randoms coming out of the woodwork after a loved ones death.

Just make a donation and you can leave a comment under the obituary expressing your condolescences and a brief - while we haven't been in touch in a long time, I have such good memories of our time together in high school. Signed full name. Or something generic - don't go into first loves. If she recognizes your name because he talked about you - and wants to reach out, then she can.

Hi OP. Categorically YES contact her. I say this because I also sadly lost my husband to cancer in 2019. We’d been together 20+ years, 2 kids and a life together. I relish the conversations with his friends; the memories the stories. If someone contacted me and said they were an old girlfriend I’d be delighted. And it’s your sad loss too, despite the years. So as someone in her shoes PLEASE make contact.

I would. He was a part of your life at some point. I would like to receive a message or card from my late husband's previous girlfriend, especially if they were together when they were teenagers.

Just be sensitive with the way you word it.

Do not contact and this is coming from another widow.

As someone who was widowed early and suddenly, I would suggest caution. When somebody dies young there are lots of people experiencing what seems like a senseless loss and it is pretty exhausting trying to keep up with that, let alone people from years ago who have not remained relevant to the person who has died. And with all due respect, the person you are grieving for was very likely to be a very different person to the person who died.

Also becoming a widow- particularly at a young age- is a very different type of loss. I am not saying this to undermine people who have also lost that person. However the very fabric of your life changes overnight and the future you envisaged together is gone. The life you were living has totally changed and you have no control over this. The shock of every day routines changing, not being able to joke and talk about DC, the totally different feeling in the house etc, something you cannot escape. This is alongside being the only person now juggling the everyday life admin like childcare, bills, even doing the washing up and booking holidays. It is such a lonely place that you cannot even begin to imagine it until you have been there. We are several years on now and found our new life and some balance, but 3 years was nothing at all and was probably when I was at my lowest as reality really sunk in.

At the end of the day we both loved him

No. Just no.

You went out with him when you were 14. It might have felt intense at the time (everything does when you're 14!) but it was not "love" in the adult sense of the word, it was a teenage crush. You did some snogging and wrote each other letters for a few months then he dumped you.

Whatever is going on for you personally that led to you attaching such importance to a brief teenage crush, looking him up online and going as far as to contemplate intruding on his wife's grief, I can guarantee it's not about him. A pp gave you good advice, write a letter and don't send it. Then when you've done that perhaps reflect on whether there is anything missing in your own life or unsettling you emotionally in some way.

Your obsessed. Watch YOU on Netflix instead

I wouldn't if I were you. It's often a very bad idea to send letters like that. Put it in writing to get it out of your system, read it through and then tear it up. Nothing good will come of it.

Please don't. My DH died early this year, and it's been quite painful having former inamorata making comments. They were made on social media, not to me personally, but I really did NOT want to know. Clearly, I knew about them, but I didn't want it rubbed in my face.

At the end of the day we both loved him this would be an extremely cuntish thing to write to his widow.

"he was a nice guy and not a player"
He was 14 🤣

@KitsilanoBeach if someone reached out to me who had known my DP after he'd died, who'd known him the past I would appreciate it. As long as it's a simple message concentrating on him and your recollections of him rather than you as a couple.

Definitely not

No no no. She will think you are trying to cash in on her writing career or something nefarious.

I would be absolutely freaked out if my husband died and nearly 4 years later someone crawled out the woodwork and told me she was his girlfriend aged 14 and last saw him then. Genuinely what the hell would that add to her life?

This.

Why would you do that unless you are mentally unwell. She's not your friend or relative, neither was he. Leave them alone.