to contact my first love's widow

[KitsilanoBeach]

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

Nah, you're right to not do this. Your post is touching, but whenever you get to 'offering her condolences' it feels a real reach, because you're not genuinely wanting to offer condolences, and it's not especially condoling to hear from your late husband's first girlfriend. You want to talk about your past with him, as you have done here. You don't need her for that. In fact it'd be more relevant to talk to your own friends from that time who knew you both and could reminisce, rather than this woman who knew someone probably quite different. Grieve him in your own way, without her.

So you are now following her online to see her 'recent writings' and want to contact her as someone who also loved her husband?! Whom yi went out with for a few months back when you were 14? Please do not do this!

I don't see why that matters. The OP has just learned of his death and wants to express condolences. There's no statute of limitations on this, as long as its compassionate and tactful. If anything better now she's had a bit of time to grieve than when it was brand new and raw.

I was in a very similar situation a couple of years ago and decided not to contact. She has enough to deal with.

It can't have been loves young dream as you don't seem to have known him that well!
I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too..

Its coming across as pretty self absorbed op.

Of course you're feeling sad, anyone would, but contacting his wife 3 years after his death to make yourself feel better isn't the way to express it.

Are there other school friends you could reminisce with?

It sounds as though you are doing it for you, not her. I think it's unlikely she would welcome you reaching out years later even if she is polite to you. I wouldn't do it. Leave her in peace.

@Thepeopleversuswork anything she has to say won't benefit the widow. She has no reason to make contact.

Sorry that was a bit harsh, but a colleague recently lost her husband at a young age, and this would have really upset her, even a few years later.

Do you know what, I don’t think it’s a bad idea.

cut out the first love shit and simply say you knew him from school, he was a lovely lad in your friendship group and you were very sad to hear about his illness and death. You hope their times together were happy and that she is doing ok.

when I lost a close family member some of the hardest times were/are in the months and years after when it seems like everyone else has moved on, life is back to normal and no one brings it up anymore. Probably for fear of opening old wounds but it feels like your loss is forgotten.

i occasionally google my relative in the stupid hope that someone somewhere has remembered- his work, church, distant friends and relatives.

a distant friend of his posted his wife a card for years on his anniversary- I know that was very comforting to her.

so yes, send a message or card. Say you’ll think of them and you know how hard it is even years later, and you just wanted her to know that he had an impact on someone he knew for a relatively short time.

I wouldn't couch it as saying you were friends either. That'd just be duplicitous and underscores that there's something off about doing this. Leave well alone. Without google, you'd be none the wiser, but following her is just feeding this.

I understand why you feel the way you do, but absolutely do not contact her. Make the donation, accept the way feel and then move on.

Sorry but imo YABU
Leave Her Be

OP I think it could be a lovely thing to do, especially as shes a writer and it would add to the story of his life. But only if you do it the right way, not about you as such, but as a way of letting her discover a bit more about him, what he was like when he was younger, what a great guy he was and how much regard you had for him. It's a bit of a fine line though, as another poster said, don't intrude in her grief.

PS I am not being harsh
A few months ago, I got it into my head to look up a Man whom might have been The One, in hindsight but I caught onto myself and stopped the stealth spying.
I knew him for 2 years of my life at the end of the Day.
Its not healthy either OP.

Please don’t contact her. I am a young widow, I had this happen with a teenage girlfriend of my husband who was just a grief thief and was totally self-absorbed. It has so hard to get rid of her, they had dated for less than 5 months when they were young, we had been together 20 years and had children but apparently she felt the same as me - I always wondered how her husband felt about it and she made my life a misery x

I agree with the consensus here, do not contact her.

Whatever you experienced with him, is not on the Richter scale of what she did had with him and went through

Oh god how awful

Sorry for your loss

I disagree with most posters. I think it is fine to say you remember him fondly from your teenage years and are sorry to have heard the news. I wouldn't explain how you know him.

This is very good advice, I would suggest taking it.

This. If you are simply sharing a fond story or memory- absolutely do contact her. But only as long as you remember you are a friend from his childhood. I would be grateful to hear a fond story from someone who knew the person I loved. She will always be his widow and, as such, even if she has learnt to live very happily with his loss - a story that tells her she had a good husband brings joy. It says others remember too

No, please don't. It's inappropriate.

OP you need to move on. He died 3 years ago why are you going to contact her now? It’s really not appropriate.

Do an Elsa and let it go.

Absolutely not!! My Mum has recently became a widow after my Dad dying and I would find it really disrespectful for an ex girlfriend to write to her expressing her grief and how she once loved him too. (This is what you have wrote) None of it is about you, at all! To hear stories from an ex girlfriend where the stories came from their relationship together is completely inappropriate in this situation.