to contact my first love's widow

[KitsilanoBeach]

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

Tricky one. Also a young widower, but my late DW and I had been together for a long time and have DC, so a lot of life shared, but cut brutally short.

Even though the rational side of me knows it shouldn't bother me, I would find it a bit unnerving having a letter or some form of contact from someone who had had some intimate interaction with my DW, especially out of the blue and from someone I didn't really know.

It's hard OP and your feelings about it are completely understandable, but I would try to navigate them personally and not engage with his DW.

Yes this.

She doesn’t want or need to hear from you, especially 3 years after his death. No one wants to hear about their late partners exes.

But also in your case OP you aren’t his first love, you went out for 5 minutes when you were kids. So whatever this is, it isn’t about him.

Write and chuck the letter to get it out of your system and then spend some figuring out why you are obsessing about him

"At the end of the day we both loved him"

No, you didn't. You were infatuated aged 14, and kissed him once.

She was his wife ffs - do not contact her, and please stop.

God, no.

OP I am going to tell you a story that might help you.

My mum lived and studied abroad (European country) for the whole of her twenties in the 1960s. For nine years she dated and was engaged to a local man and they were very much in love. He proposed to her and she wanted to marry him but in the end decided that for various reasons (more traditional culture/expectations of a wife) it wouldn't work for her. They were both heartbroken and she returned to the Uk and eventually met and married my dad. She always carried a candle for this man and although the marriage to my dad was long and happy, I know she thought of him often and wondered what he was up to. She returned the place she had lived a couple of times a year for the rest of her life (because she loved the place) but never sought him out.

In her early seventies, the girl she had shared an apartment with during her life in this place, tracked her down. They had been very close and this (now woman) girl had dated my mum's boyfriend's friend at the time for a short while. She shared an obituary with my mum of her ex boyfriend and it turned out that he had died in a motorbike accident in his mid thirties - only a few years after my mother left. The shock to my mum of realising that all the times she had wondered what he was up to, he was actually dead, was actually huge to her. We think the small stroke she suffered a couple of weeks later was because of this news.

It turned out that he had just married and when he died, his wife was pregnant with their first child.

That summer, my mum went to the place as she always did in the summer and this time, sought out his widow. She wanted to tell her how sorry she was and perhaps share a few memories with her. I kept asking if it was a good idea but she insisted it was.

It wasn't

Widow was upset
Mum was upset
Widow said Mum should have left her alone - why would she want to hear from his ex?
Mum told her that she meant to be kind and thought she'd like to talk
Widow said 'no you didn't. You wanted to burden me with your pain. I have friends to talk to'. It was awful and uncomfortable.

And after that Mum started reducing her visits to her favourite place in the word because she felt she had overstepped and was no longer welcome there which was desperately sad.

I know it's not the same, and in my mum's case, she was actually with this man longer than his wife, but this woman was his wife and the mother of his child. She took him on for life and she was left alone. It was her loss to mourn and not my mothers.

Sometimes, we just have to hold our pain quietly inside and mourn with dignity in the privacy of our own lives. I would say your situation is one of those times. I'm sorry for your loss.

No offence meant OP but this seems hugely self-indulgent. Of course this wouldn't be a comfort to his widow, hearing from a teenage girlfriend. I'm shocked you think this would be appropriate or welcomed.

I understand you're upset but this woman lost her husband, not somebody she kissed a few times as a teenager. Leave her alone to grieve.

This.

What exactly is the reason behind contacting her? Is it to make her feel better or for you to share your grief with her? I'd find it rather odd if a gf of 30 seconds from when my husband was a teen contacted me telling me about HER grief. Leave the woman be.

You can write to her as a school friend of his, saying you have only just found out about his death through the grapevine. You could include some fond memories of those days but not as his girlfriend.

If she really has written at length for the media on this, she's not going to be surprised that a lot of people have picked up on it.

I'm wracking my brains to think who she is. I have a couple of ideas.

One thing puzzles me- how would you get in touch with her? If it's an email she will see your name, (unless you create a fake one), if it's a letter, how do you know her address?

I’m a widow and if someone’s from my husbands past who he’s had no contact with since a teen I’d be seriously pissed off that you would be trying to muscle in on our lives. Manage your own grief don’t be a grief tourist, who have no idea what that widow has been through.

To call him your “lover” it’s childish to say the least you were 14-15 it was nothing more than a school fling/crush. I don’t remember or care about any of the boys I got with arounf that age I was with some for much longer than a few months.

Jlplease don’t write her a letter or contact her in any way. I’m a widow and if someone had done that me I’d be fuming and so upset

I was a young window. Even now after being remarried and 12 years on, I would still be so upset to read a letter like that.

You would be very cruel to send her a letter. She lost her husband. You shared a teenage kiss with the boy.

I would be looking closer at your life to find out why you are living in the past so much. Spend your energy on enriching your life.

Same here - I'm a young widow and I think you're being a "grief thief" too. It's not your loss. Leave her alone.

If it’s several years on then don’t contact her. It’s way past the card or letter of condolences stage.

As a young widow (long ago) this would be totally inappropriate and hurtful. It’s not about you.

at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I should hope not.

To be honest putting your teen romance and her marriage in the same sentence is a bit bonkers to me. I think it shows a lack of self awareness and I would be concerned about the contents of your message. If he had recently died it might be just about understandable, but after a few years? Leave her alone.

No offence but you sound a bit obsessed. Why an earth are you regularly googling someone you dated for a few months at 14? You weren't in love at 14. No one is.

I would leave the poor woman be.

So very inappropriate.

spot on with this ^^

Yabu - this news is raw and feah or yiy bit she will have gone through many stages of grieving since and still will probably struggle. Why would you inpose yiur feelings onto her when essentially you really have nothing to do with her or her lare husband? If you contacted me under these circumstances i would assume you were a weirdo and tell you to do one!

I think if you want to write something along the lines of:
"I was sorry to hear of X's death. I knew him when I was 14yo and he was always kind etc." followed by perhaps a small memory of something he did then in a group/school.
Then that's fine.

I think I'd hold back on the "we were first girl/boyfriends" because that feels to me like you're trying to put yourself as more important in his life. I wouldn't even mention you dated.

*fresh

Highly inappropriate. You'd be doing this for yourself, not her. Leave her alone

No way. Don't contact her.