Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12

Original poster

to contact my first love's widow

283 replies

KitsilanoBeach · 13/09/2022 12:16

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

OP posts:

ShockedConfused1980 · 13/09/2022 13:03

Who are you doing it for ? Yourself or her?

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/09/2022 13:04

It was 3 years ago OP! Don't do this. If it makes you feel better, write a letter and bin it.

She may think you were back together or something!

Eeksteek · 13/09/2022 13:05

Nope. One of the hardest things about bereavement is supporting people who are not as close to it as you are and don’t know how to navigate it, so they ‘reach out’ for you to support them through it. And that’s what you are asking her for. Support. She has enough to deal with.

I’m a widow. I want nothing to do with my husbands exs. Why would I? Their relationship was with him, not me. I would find dealing with you an emotionally difficult and draining thing to do and I don’t need it in my life - I’ve got enough on being two parents for my kid AND helping her deal with the loss of her father. Deal with it yourself! (In the nicest possible way)

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2022 13:06

jesus christ no, that would be really fucking weird

McConkeysPlate · 13/09/2022 13:06

As a recent widow, I don’t think I would be too impressed from his first girlfriend. Make the donation.

ShandaLear · 13/09/2022 13:07

If you could frame it as:

’I recently found out about x passing away. I was so sorry to hear the news. We dated briefly as young teenagers and I have fond memories of dancing/eating/hanging out (throw in an amusing anecdote)…

Yours sincerely,

xxx’

That would be ok - and I think quite nice for the widow.

Iliveonahill · 13/09/2022 13:08

Thepeopleversuswork · 13/09/2022 12:26

I'm going to go against the grain here. I don't think it will necessarily upset her, as long as its couched in genuine concern for her and her family, rather than about you and your first love.

I think if you sent a compassionate and kind note as a former friend of her husband's expressing your condolences it would be a kind and nice gesture and I would be surprised if she found that upsetting.

But I definitely wouldn't describe yourself as his "first love". That would be selfish.

This. School friend or whatever. Don’t mention love.

Insideallday · 13/09/2022 13:09

I would. Why not? I would let her know some nice memories of him and some words of condolences. I would like if someone got in touch with some nice words about my husband if he passed away. You don’t have to say you were an ex just an old school friend.

you’re not looking for support and you’re not looking for a response. Don’t add any contact details and keep it short and sweet.

bloodywhitecat · 13/09/2022 13:10

As a recent widow I would love to hear from you. I regularly chat with DH's ex wife, we meet for coffee and talk about him, it brings me comfort but it looks like others would think I am barking mad.

Bookworm777 · 13/09/2022 13:10

If she's the kind of journalist who has shared his death and their life in print, you might want to prepare yourself for a 'My late husband's first love got in touch blah blah blah' article if you do contact her. You have the best intentions, she might react by writing an article about it.

FlissyPaps · 13/09/2022 13:11

KitsilanoBeach · 13/09/2022 12:22

Thank you all, that seems unanimously helpful! Yes that was my concern @LegoFiends I will leave her be, and make a donation to a charity related to his illness or the hospice where he died.

This is a really nice idea x

Libelula21 · 13/09/2022 13:12

I’m the widow of a man I met later in life. He died in 2019. I’d find it weird if not deeply upsetting to receive a letter from his first love.
Grief is hard enough to work through without curveballs.

10HailMarys · 13/09/2022 13:13

OP, this is one of the worst ideas I've ever heard. Absolutely do not contact someone's widow to offer condolences for their husband's death because 'you both loved him'.

You and her husband snogged for a bit when you were literally children. That's it. Leave the poor woman alone.

bodie1890 · 13/09/2022 13:13

You can't possibly know how she will feel about it - as people on here have said through personal experience, it's very split - some would welcome it, some really wouldn't.

There is a possibility of helping her, and a risk of making her feel awful.

So all you can do is question your intentions. Are you really doing it because you think SHE might appreciate it, or are you doing it to deal with your own emotions in some way? You sound unusually attached to him for someone that you knew so long ago, so I would worry that it's the latter.

If so, you definitely shouldn't contact her.

Even if you are genuinely doing it for her, there's the risk you're going to upset her.

On balance, I don't think it's worth the risk and would leave well alone.

Fancylike · 13/09/2022 13:13

Browniegal13 · 13/09/2022 12:48

Please don’t contact her. I am a young widow, I had this happen with a teenage girlfriend of my husband who was just a grief thief and was totally self-absorbed. It has so hard to get rid of her, they had dated for less than 5 months when they were young, we had been together 20 years and had children but apparently she felt the same as me - I always wondered how her husband felt about it and she made my life a misery x

This is the only advice you need to to listen to.

At best, she’ll think oh that’s nice people are thinking about him, which is a very weak best case scenario. But it’s far more likely it will feel selfish, intrusive, and like said before, being a grief vulture.

Loachworks · 13/09/2022 13:14

I've had this twice recently. Both incredible men take before their time, one my first kiss (a fairly wealthy actor) and one my first love.
One of their widows definitely wouldn't appreciate my contact as she knew me at the time we were together and had feelings for him then. I left him and she knows that. What she doesn't know is over the years he asked me back, which I thought was deeply disrespectful to her and what if she knew? I could be opening a can of worms for either of them and they have enough to deal with. I have discussed their deaths with my DH briefly at the time but my memories are mine and I don't need anyone else's input on them.

AryaStarkWolf · 13/09/2022 13:15

ShandaLear · 13/09/2022 13:07

If you could frame it as:

Yours sincerely,

xxx’

That would be ok - and I think quite nice for the widow.

No.

mam0918 · 13/09/2022 13:16

Its wierd, you weren't any part of his adult life and he cut you off.

Why do you think his wife would want to hear from YOU a stranger who is only contacting to say you kissed her husband before especially 3 years after his death.

My first boyfriend from my teens means NOTHING to me, my husband or kids, I dont even want to hear from him in my lifetime never mind have him harass my loved one like a grief vampire.

Youdoyoutoday · 13/09/2022 13:17

Worst idea ever!

YourLipsMyLipsApocalypse · 13/09/2022 13:17

You can't really seriously have said 'we both loved him'.

You kissed him when you were 14, she was his wife.

Please please don't contact her with your maudlin nostalgic ramblings.

mam0918 · 13/09/2022 13:20

ShandaLear · 13/09/2022 13:07

If you could frame it as:

Yours sincerely,

xxx’

That would be ok - and I think quite nice for the widow.

So misjudged and terrible - do NOT do this.

Even for the few saying they think they wouldnt mind this happened (THINK - because many have not actually been there and have zero clue how they would react in grief) why take the risk when many would be very hurt.

If something completely unnecessary COULD hurt someone you simply dont do it.

Megifer · 13/09/2022 13:22

Omg nooooooo 🙈 she might think he was having an affair and you're just trying to initiate contact. I think that's the conclusion I'd jump to because its just so bizarre otherwise 😬 sorry op but....yea....no.....

Chocolatehamper · 13/09/2022 13:24

If you feel like you have to contact someone, had he any siblings that you knew of that you could contact to pass on your condolences, not his widow!

CousinKrispy · 13/09/2022 13:30

I guess it depends on the message. I think if you contacted her saying "I was friends with your late husband age X, we went to school together, so sorry for your loss" I would find it lovely. I love hearing from people who knew my loved ones who have died, it is wonderful to know that other people cared about them and to be able to reminisce about them.

However, I definitely wouldn't share anything about having been a couple, first kiss, how much you loved each other, etc. Keep that to yourself.

Sorry for your loss, I know it is a shock to find out that friends and former partners, however brief, have died.

PenYGore · 13/09/2022 13:32

KitsilanoBeach · 13/09/2022 12:22

Thank you all, that seems unanimously helpful! Yes that was my concern @LegoFiends I will leave her be, and make a donation to a charity related to his illness or the hospice where he died.

Good call, OP.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 11 12