to contact my first love's widow

[KitsilanoBeach]

I had my first proper boyfriend/first kiss/first love when I was 14/15. I’m fairly sure I was his first girlfriend and first kiss too.

It only lasted a few months but I was besotted and we used to write each other love letters (no emails/texting back then, and we went to different schools in the same town but lived quite far from each other).

He then dumped me - I don’t think I ever knew why, he was a nice guy and not a player - and broke my heart. Our paths didn’t really cross again, although he did send me a letter when I was about 17 apologising for what happened (a friend of mine had bumped into him and told him “Kitsilano hates you!” which wasn’t true, but anyway – teens, eh?).

I have from time to time wondered what happened to him and had idly googled him but without any success – he has a reasonably common name. It was only recently that I thought to google him and the name of the small village he grew up in and I immediately came across an obituary for him, reporting that he had died in 2019 after a long battle with cancer. He was quite successful in his chosen career so there were a couple of obituaries in national publications, and in addition his wife (now widow) is a professional writer who has written at length about his illness and her subsequent bereavement.

Even though I hadn’t seen or heard from him in decades I have felt quite affected by his death, both because of what he meant to me for a brief time but also I suppose because it is always hard to think about people dying so young.

I am tempted to reach out to his widow to offer my condolences, but I just can’t work out if this would be inappropriate and not welcomed by her. Both because it is now a number of years since he died, but also because she may not want to hear from an ex-girlfriend, even though it was just a teen romance from many years before they met.

I also suspect that she will have been contacted by many other people who have been bereaved/widowed young and who could relate to what she has written and wanted to share their own experiences with her, and perhaps it is all a bit much for her. She may also now be in a different place (although from her more recent writing online I do not get the impression she has found anyone else, although she may just have chosen not to write about it).

But on the other hand, she might like to hear from someone else who has fond memories of her late husband and at the end of the day we both loved him, (albeit I'm not of course comparing my relationship with hers).

I don’t think there is a right answer but am really torn, and would welcome views particularly from anyone who has suffered a similar bereavement if you feel able to share them.

YABU – do not contact the widow, leave her be
YANBU – it’s fine to contact the widow to offer condolences

Going against the majority here, I think.

I think it would be ok to write a letter of condolence on the basis that he was an old school friend and you are sorry for her loss.

You could mention perhaps some of the 'school day memories' you have but not the first kiss.

You were very much still children then, even though a first love at 14 feels grown up.

I don't think the timelapse since his death is an issue because you have simply found it online and he seems to have been quite high profile anyway if he was mentioned in the national press.

But I think you need to be honest and ask yourself why you want to do this and what you would gain. Are you looking for a response from her or some kind of closure for yourself?

Is it a trip down memory lane? Is it more a sharing or grief? I think it would be very wrong to put yourself on a par with his widow (as one of his 'loves') as there is no comparison.

‘Hello complete stranger, I was googling your dead husband and inexplicably feel entitled to inform you I kissed him when we were teenagers. Cheers.’

The fact you’d even consider this shows a lack of self awareness and comprehension of human behaviour. Really, really weird.

I get it OP, when my ex husband died I desperately wanted to talk to people who knew him and talk about our shared memories. Luckily I still have a good relationship with his family so I had that opportunity but no I wouldn't reach out to your ex bf widow. Find someone trusted who you can talk to and let it all out. It's a very unsettling time when someone from your past who you deeply cared about passes so take care of yourself.

It's not the most terrible idea ever as some have said so don't feel bad for considering it but I would leave well enough alone as you say and make a donation. This would be different if you had just been school pals.

In my view, you don't know the full details of their relationship (nobody will). An old girlfriend getting in touch might feel suspicious to her, and she would never know for sure that things were totally innocent. It's only a possibility but not one I would risk.

Whatever you do, please don't write and suggest that the nature of your relationship was not romantic. He may have mentioned your name over the years as in 'who was your first kiss?' etc. and it may ring alarm bells as to why you're writing claiming differently now.

It really doesn't call for reframing it that way @economicervix That's a bit mean of you to frame it like that which is not what the OP would do.

There are plenty of people who use social media to look at old school friends, old flames, lost family etc.

And you seem to be missing the point that his widow has written about him extensively for the media and there have been references to his death in the national press.

If the OP needed an 'excuse' it could be that someone else from their peer group had come across the news.

When someone dies, it can be a great comfort to hear from past friends, even some time later. As an example to counteract yours, my mum wrote to the widow of a man she dated in her teens. He was very keen on him but actually dumped him for my dad.

Her widow was delighted to hear from her and share memories from 70 years ago. Hearing from an 'ex' does not negate all the years of marriage.

I don't think for a moment that my mother got a letter discussing kisses, but just that he was a friend, who lived in the next road, many years ago.

He was very keen on She

Oh, and if you did write, I would ignore it. I would consciously put myself and my child(ren) before you and your childhood memories (because I have never met you and yes, you’ve had a loss, but it’s in no way comparable and you have your own family for support) and just bin it. Are you prepared for that possibility? That your slightly self indulgent intrusion (which is how I would see it) will produce nothing? I would wish you no ill. But it wouldn’t have the emotional time or energy for it.

Dont get me wrong, you’re entitled to have those feelings and memories. Indulge away. Just not at her expense.

I think, as opposed to his widow, it may be more appropriate to reach out to his parents or best friend or siblings if you have good memories/musings of his to share from that time. But not his widow.

If I got a letter like this after my DH died (he is still v.much alive Thankfully) I would actually find it quite offensive and think you were unhinged.

In this same situation with a friend. Her husband passed suddenly and young. I think a card and a nice memory of how lovely he was is ok, it’s a comfort to know your loved one who is no longer with you was remembered (as a friend though wouldn’t go into the whole teenage romance bit…) If it’s for her as a kind gesture then think it’s ok.

I think it's a nice thing to do - I have a few close family members and friends that have passed away and one of the nicest things was hearing from the people who knew them in the past (who we may never have heard of) with funny stories or memories. People like "oh we lived with them in halls at uni and I'll always remember when..." - we've even had some years later and found it very comforting that they were thinking about that person.
I guess it depends how it's done - if it's like "I'm really glad he found happiness etc" and a nice memory from the past - lovely. If it's in any way negative or whatever - not so lovely.

@JinglingHellsBells nah.
she wouldn’t word it like that but that’s exactly what she’d be doing, and it would be completely unhinged, actually creepy. Don’t bother quoting me again, I could not be less interested.

I think it is almost impossible to give advice as people vary so much, she might be offended/horrified/touched by it.

My father's exfiancee turned up at his funeral. My mother was very kind and welcoming and they chatted but I'm not sure all widows would be the same. My husband's ex from when he was 16/17 sometimes phones, I say hello and pass the phone to him. I'm pretty sure if he died before me I'd get a call from her, I think she's a bit odd but she loved him 60 years ago, maybe she still does, so I wouldn't be upset.

I'd definitely say don't contact her.

If you do more as friends than first loves and don't make it into a big teenage love affair.

Having said that, a few years ago (10 maybe?) I looked online (Google not FB) and found out that an ex-SO I'd had in my 20s for 2 years had ended his life. It was a lot more complex than that as he also had HIV/AIDs and had also moved abroad and got married and had DC and was divorced. I worked out from translating articles what had happened and was shocked by the HIV/AIDS and also wondered re timelines if I had AIDS/HIV from him (I'd had an AIDS test after I knew him but not for this reason) but this wasn't possible due to timelines. I contacted his widow and she kindly spoke to me and reassured me and actually told me he'd spoken a lot about me, shared memories and photos and she wanted to meet me in London (I didn't, she lived in Europe). But we shared a few memories and photos and she seemed happy enough to explain to me what had happened (all very sad, he didn't have lots of girlfriends). But I did this either the year or just a year or so after he'd died, so quite soon and not 3 years later.

Leave her alone

I don't think you should write. My concern would be that you don't need to write because if the Daily Mail recognise your description of them and pick this up, an article will cover it for you.

I would just leave it and not contact her. There is nothing for her to gain from your comms, it's just for you. But sorry for the loss.

I am a widow and this wouldn't bother me personally, because I met my husband in my thirties, so realise he had a life before me and indeed know about some of his exes. A couple of them were very distraught by his death, as was a colleague I always suspected had a soft spot for him, I felt fine with this as he wasn't owned by me and had people in his life who loved him in different ways. I would not contact her though, as not everyone would feel the same. You aren't doing it to help her, you would be doing it to get closure for yourself and to process this significant (to you) death. You need to find a way to do that on your own I think, perhaps with friends from that time. If you send anything, a neutral thoughtful message is all.

Hoping you do not send this letter to her, OP. It would be more for you than for her, wouldn't it? There is no point in bringing up her former husband's past. I feel it would be quite unkind, in fact. It is not as though you were a colleague of his, or a distant family member. So please don't do it.

I agree with @Reallyreallyborednow

As a widow myself it's a definite no from me. I would hate to receive a letter like that.

Yes, that's a really nice post, @Reallyreallyborednow great advice.

But be prepared for her to write about it!

This is for you. So leave some flowers at his grave. No need for a note.

I am sorry this appears more about you wanting to process your feelings rather than helping her. She’s lost her husband and his first kiss wants to offer condolences? Sorry please let her be.

She probably has already heard from people who have fond memories of her husband-those who he kept in touch with & were close enough to know when he actually died!