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6+ years and Ex GF

121 replies

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:40

I don't know where to start other than AIBU for being pissed off at my BF for bringing up his ex GF constantly but especially during a reminiscing moment about our relationship and our 'song'..

For context, we got together and he told me about his ex GF straight away that they had been broken up for 2 years but were good friends and i would need to be ok with that.. I said sure.. She's a lovely person.

In the beginning she was always there, big group so it didn't really matter, but at lunch work social she was there (they worked together for the first year of us)

On our 1-year anniversary, he brought her to our dinner.. spoke to her the whole time, (Was supposed to cook me a special dish for lunch - which he forgot about) then at dinner with his ex (just the three of us - he invited her) he ordered said meal.. Also on the same day bought a red bike helmet new and said oh ex GF would like this.. not a card or text message or anything for me.. It was too much for me I got up and walked out, and they 'both' followed me!! - she did not get the hint to bugger off at this point.. I literally had to say it's not you, it's him to her and live the embarrassment of the situation (that's a short version)

Move on and some would think this would be it for them, it very nearly was.. however, I got over it and we carried on lots of little things happened over the next two years but I just thought it was me, and moved past them. Nothing was ever sexual or disrespectful to me but an air of togetherness still remained with them.

We move in together.. have now been together longer than they were together in the first place and it's now been 6.5 years - I want to get married (both divorced) and he doesn't - I've accepted that.. but he bought me a ring and said he wanted it to be just between he and I because everyone he has bought a ring for it has finished.. (his EX w, ex GF and now me..)

We were with our group which included ex GF when they saw the ring and all the girls got excited and were making a fuss, I said no it's just a gift (it's a diamond but think flowers rathen than one big stone) and the EX GF sister came up and grabbed my hand and then threw it down and didn't say anything but rushed over to her sister, who took a while but came over and also took my hand (ring is on 'that' finger) I again said it's just a gift she said oh it's really nice BUT got really pissed (not directly at me but in the room - we were at a house party) she started arguing with people and getting louder and louder so I said to my BF let's go - she came running out and tried to follow us to the car shouting wait i'll come with you. I told him in no uncertain terms 'no! she's not joining us I want to go. He said ok and we left. IT was a strained car journey home.

At first I was like I feel for her as she must have loved him but it didn't work out, so she was jealous and quite frankly the more love we have in the world the better for us all, so I really tried to just come to terms with her behaviour but then it played on my mind and it started to piss me off (she is also in a relationship of 4.5 years now) so I thought.. "you were with him for 4 years split up for two when he and I met it's now 6.5 years after that you have your own BF and you still react that way!" you're disrespecting me! so I get a bad feeling in my stomach and just kept my distance. I told my BF how I feel and he tried to be supportive of her telling me she 'got a ring' and it didn't work out!! AND?? are we, not way passed that now!? clearly not.

So roll on a few months (I've tried to not go out when she's there..) no bad feelings really just my feelings have changed towards her and I need to work them out but for now, I don't want to be around her.

Sooo last night we were watching a band's documentary when I said this is our song.. he said what? I said remember in X place when we first got together it was always playing and he said oh yeah.. but no real emotion about it.. (we've mentioned this song before) but clearly he doesn't feel the same. (No other song was given as 'this' is our song - nothing) Anyway said band are playing in our city next year and he said we should go, I said yes I tried for tickets etc but couldn't get through, he said no we'll go VIP, we were laughing and having a really happy conversation (albeit he wasn't feeling the 'our song vibe'.). then another song came on and we were singing it and he said 'ex GF would love this'. It just punched me in the gut!

I looked at him with disbelief and said SHUT UP just stop fucking talking! what??? we're having a conversation about our song' reminiscing about good times and in the middle of that, you say 'ex GF would love it! and he said promptly I'm going to bed I'm not dealing with this?

Now remember I've only ever said anything TWICE in 6.5 years once on our 1st anniversary.. and once when she flipped out about the ring.. never in all the other times there have been similar situations of circumstances have I said anything.

So what would you do?? (I spent the night in the spare room crying painful soul-like tears - (I NEVER CRY)

AIBU? Should I just forget this and move on it's so persistent the moment I think we're on track in whatever way he'll allow I guess she just pops back up! I guess I'm thinking maybe I should take a step back and they're meant for each other as clearly, he hasn't or they haven't let go?? Do I stay in the way of something that's meant to be??

I'm sad. I just don't know what to do.. He's tried talking to me this morning but i just feel saddened..

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 09:45

What on Earth has caused you to persist in this relationship?! Talk about early warning signs. You’re being unreasonable to yourself!

End it and perhaps spend some time figuring out why you thought any of this was acceptable.

aSofaNearYou · 13/09/2022 09:50

I agree, why on Earth have you stayed with him? This should have ended after the ludicrous first anniversary. It's absolutely shocking that either of them expect you to put up with this, and madness that you have done so. You should 100% leave him.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 09:50

I can't believe you've spent 6.5 years putting up with this crap.

He's playing you off each other and loving it. But it also means he's being an arsehole to you both. And she's either an arsehole or incredibly insensitive tagging along on your dates and anniversaries.

I think you should end it today. NOW. But don't be surprised if they get back together again by the end of the week.

Sorry, but you really do deserve much better than this. This is not acceptable behaviour from either of them and you should stop accepting it.

pinkyredrose · 13/09/2022 09:50

He's massively disrespectful. She's obviously always on his mind. Why did they split up?

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:52

I never heard the story of why they split up.. he doesn't talk about it, only that they lived together and it didn't work out..

OP posts:
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:55

I stayed I guess because I've abandonment issues.. I was left by my ex H via text message after 14 years and he just didn't come home.. a total shock (think EVERYONE was shocked - no one had a clue, we were thought of as the perfect couple). I met my current BF six months later. we do have a great time together it's just this.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 09:55

PS: Don't be sad. Get angry with this arsehole. But also be glad that you'll move on from this horrible 'pick me' situation he's put you in.

Your future will be so much happier without him. And her!

TheMoonisaBalloon · 13/09/2022 09:56

Please OP do not waste any more time with this guy.

He isn't "all in" with your relationship.

Time to start packing...

MillyWithaY · 13/09/2022 09:56

It wouldn't work between them if they tried to be together again, but they're enjoying wallowing in their rose tinted emotional connection. No pressure, not reality, just pure nostalgia. But it's at your expense and I wouldn't stand for it.

Personally it would have been over for good for me when he invited her to your anniversary meal. As she's such a part of your social group I'm not sure how you get around this. Perhaps end it and then you can replace her as his nostalgic romantic partner!

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 09:56

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:52

I never heard the story of why they split up.. he doesn't talk about it, only that they lived together and it didn't work out..

It’s completely irrelevant. Break up with him.

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 09:58

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:55

I stayed I guess because I've abandonment issues.. I was left by my ex H via text message after 14 years and he just didn't come home.. a total shock (think EVERYONE was shocked - no one had a clue, we were thought of as the perfect couple). I met my current BF six months later. we do have a great time together it's just this.

So, you were only single for six months? Are you scared of being single?

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:59

I'm better now, but yes scared of being alone..

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 10:00

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:59

I'm better now, but yes scared of being alone..

Why? Why is a man who disrespects you better than being by yourself?

Electricstar · 13/09/2022 10:03

The whole of your post screams “he still misses his ex”. I’m sorry but it’s best to be honest. Also asking you to keep being engaged a secret as such? I can’t get my head round why you would stay

NaughtyDaddyPig · 13/09/2022 10:03

I mean.. what do I say?
An ex girlfriend... that appears to not really be an ex.
6.5 years of this madness.
Hands being stared at and thrown down and dramatically arguing.

"Our song" nonsense.

Then I read you're divorced so clearly old enough to not really need this shit in your life.

Does he have a golden ding-dong? Because what in hells name is going on?

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 10:04

He is a great guy, like I said it's just this really.. I don't think he really understands at all that he is disrespecting me.. I'm very into love thy neighbour and its ok to have love with others but not inside your relationship. I guess i'm realising I want more then he does.. I just need to figure out why I want it at all..

OP posts:
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 10:07

This made me smile - no golden ding dong.. it's clearly an issue with me and what I want than with him.. As i';m the one putting up with it.. and i'm not happy about it. I don't want to leave but I don't know how to make it better

OP posts:
NaughtyDaddyPig · 13/09/2022 10:10

The fact that you don't know how weird this all is means there's more going in for you, I'm sorry if I was rude.
But it's just so weird.

His ex... on your anniversary meal, thinks it's ok to be there? Where are her boundaries?

OrigamiOwls · 13/09/2022 10:19

He's shown you the pecking order in his life, you're no where near the top. You have to decide whether you can put up with this or want something more.

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 10:23

He just came in and literally said I don't get it.. He sat down and I said you it's hard you really don't.. He asked why I slept in the other room, I said because I was sad and as I went to talk about his EX GF he said I need to stop you, I have work to do but we can talk later, he did say he doesn't want to cut me off but he does have some things to attend to.. so let's see after lunch.. my head hurts.

OP posts:
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 10:25

@NaughtyDaddyPig she didn't know until after I walked out that it was our anniversary.. it's more him.. (although her reaction to the ring tells more than I understand)

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 13/09/2022 10:37

You're so far down his priority list here OP...

SatInTheCorner · 13/09/2022 10:41

I would have left after the anniversary thing.

You are worth more than this.

Tayegete · 13/09/2022 10:49

i get the fear of abandonment at how your ex treated you but take control and get rid of him. I think you need to question why you have let yourself be badly treated by him and have a bit of time alone before you go into a new relationship. FWIW I am still friends with my ex but our relationship is nothing like this. We are both very respectful of our spouses and prioritise them above our friendship.

10HailMarys · 13/09/2022 10:52

we do have a great time together it's just this.

The word 'just' is doing an awful lot of heavy lifting there.

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