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6+ years and Ex GF

121 replies

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:40

I don't know where to start other than AIBU for being pissed off at my BF for bringing up his ex GF constantly but especially during a reminiscing moment about our relationship and our 'song'..

For context, we got together and he told me about his ex GF straight away that they had been broken up for 2 years but were good friends and i would need to be ok with that.. I said sure.. She's a lovely person.

In the beginning she was always there, big group so it didn't really matter, but at lunch work social she was there (they worked together for the first year of us)

On our 1-year anniversary, he brought her to our dinner.. spoke to her the whole time, (Was supposed to cook me a special dish for lunch - which he forgot about) then at dinner with his ex (just the three of us - he invited her) he ordered said meal.. Also on the same day bought a red bike helmet new and said oh ex GF would like this.. not a card or text message or anything for me.. It was too much for me I got up and walked out, and they 'both' followed me!! - she did not get the hint to bugger off at this point.. I literally had to say it's not you, it's him to her and live the embarrassment of the situation (that's a short version)

Move on and some would think this would be it for them, it very nearly was.. however, I got over it and we carried on lots of little things happened over the next two years but I just thought it was me, and moved past them. Nothing was ever sexual or disrespectful to me but an air of togetherness still remained with them.

We move in together.. have now been together longer than they were together in the first place and it's now been 6.5 years - I want to get married (both divorced) and he doesn't - I've accepted that.. but he bought me a ring and said he wanted it to be just between he and I because everyone he has bought a ring for it has finished.. (his EX w, ex GF and now me..)

We were with our group which included ex GF when they saw the ring and all the girls got excited and were making a fuss, I said no it's just a gift (it's a diamond but think flowers rathen than one big stone) and the EX GF sister came up and grabbed my hand and then threw it down and didn't say anything but rushed over to her sister, who took a while but came over and also took my hand (ring is on 'that' finger) I again said it's just a gift she said oh it's really nice BUT got really pissed (not directly at me but in the room - we were at a house party) she started arguing with people and getting louder and louder so I said to my BF let's go - she came running out and tried to follow us to the car shouting wait i'll come with you. I told him in no uncertain terms 'no! she's not joining us I want to go. He said ok and we left. IT was a strained car journey home.

At first I was like I feel for her as she must have loved him but it didn't work out, so she was jealous and quite frankly the more love we have in the world the better for us all, so I really tried to just come to terms with her behaviour but then it played on my mind and it started to piss me off (she is also in a relationship of 4.5 years now) so I thought.. "you were with him for 4 years split up for two when he and I met it's now 6.5 years after that you have your own BF and you still react that way!" you're disrespecting me! so I get a bad feeling in my stomach and just kept my distance. I told my BF how I feel and he tried to be supportive of her telling me she 'got a ring' and it didn't work out!! AND?? are we, not way passed that now!? clearly not.

So roll on a few months (I've tried to not go out when she's there..) no bad feelings really just my feelings have changed towards her and I need to work them out but for now, I don't want to be around her.

Sooo last night we were watching a band's documentary when I said this is our song.. he said what? I said remember in X place when we first got together it was always playing and he said oh yeah.. but no real emotion about it.. (we've mentioned this song before) but clearly he doesn't feel the same. (No other song was given as 'this' is our song - nothing) Anyway said band are playing in our city next year and he said we should go, I said yes I tried for tickets etc but couldn't get through, he said no we'll go VIP, we were laughing and having a really happy conversation (albeit he wasn't feeling the 'our song vibe'.). then another song came on and we were singing it and he said 'ex GF would love this'. It just punched me in the gut!

I looked at him with disbelief and said SHUT UP just stop fucking talking! what??? we're having a conversation about our song' reminiscing about good times and in the middle of that, you say 'ex GF would love it! and he said promptly I'm going to bed I'm not dealing with this?

Now remember I've only ever said anything TWICE in 6.5 years once on our 1st anniversary.. and once when she flipped out about the ring.. never in all the other times there have been similar situations of circumstances have I said anything.

So what would you do?? (I spent the night in the spare room crying painful soul-like tears - (I NEVER CRY)

AIBU? Should I just forget this and move on it's so persistent the moment I think we're on track in whatever way he'll allow I guess she just pops back up! I guess I'm thinking maybe I should take a step back and they're meant for each other as clearly, he hasn't or they haven't let go?? Do I stay in the way of something that's meant to be??

I'm sad. I just don't know what to do.. He's tried talking to me this morning but i just feel saddened..

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

aSofaNearYou · 13/09/2022 14:04

We still haven't spoke he hugged my head (i'm sitting) and said 'why make things aukward just let them be.. i love you, dstop being silly.'

Because they suit him, and are awful for you. That's why.

This is awful behaviour from him trying to manipulate you into keeping quiet.

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KosherDill · 13/09/2022 14:07

Cherchezlaspice · 13/09/2022 09:45

What on Earth has caused you to persist in this relationship?! Talk about early warning signs. You’re being unreasonable to yourself!

End it and perhaps spend some time figuring out why you thought any of this was acceptable.

This! Why on earth did you ever move in with him?

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Sausagelove · 13/09/2022 14:13

I have never read anything as bizarre as the ex at your anniversary dinner. Are you aware of how absurd and ridiculous this is?

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User112 · 13/09/2022 14:20

You deserve better OP.

If you decide to stay, it only makes sense IF THE WOMAN IS COMPLETELY OUT OF HIS LIFE.
He has to choose one. And he has to make that choice NOW.

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SillySausage21356 · 13/09/2022 14:25

Oh god, OP

You are second best, to him.

Sorry but - in the words of the film - he just is not that in to you

He and her both still have unfinished business and sorry but you are in the way of that - i know that sounds awful but it is how it comes across.

There is no way I could have dealt with this for six years. God its winding me up just thinking about it

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Thistooshallpass01 · 13/09/2022 14:25

Thought you were teenagers/ early twenties. Please reflect and gain the confidence you need to leave.

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Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 14:36

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy thank you

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ItsaMetalBand · 13/09/2022 14:45

He wont marry you because he would drop you like a hot potato if she beckoned.

He bought you a not-a-ring and asked that you don't announce it - purely because she would lose her shit. And she promptly did.

Everything he does, it's with her thoughts and feelings taken into consideration, never yours. He doesn't even think about how you might feel about anything. Not a thought.

You are worth so much more.

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Pollywoddles · 13/09/2022 14:48

Jeez, stop wasting your life. He’ll never be yours.

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Creepymanonagoatfarm · 13/09/2022 14:50

Dump him before you go. Block and delete all messages.

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Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 15:42

@ItsaMetalBand why is this so hard.. i got over (years later) my EX walking out and know now it is the absolute best thig that could have happened but i now feel frozen in this..

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jeaux90 · 13/09/2022 15:47

Enjoy the work trip OP. Take some time out to really think about whether putting up with this idiocy is better than being single.

Personally there is nothing more empowering than living independently and getting comfortable in your own company, it prevents us from making compromises like this that we aren't comfortable with.

Honestly the whole situation with his ex sounds so teenage, you sound super bright and lovely.

Hopefully you'll move onto better things.

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momtoboys · 13/09/2022 15:49

Its not the same ring he gave her, was it? THAT would make me mad.

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MissMaple82 · 13/09/2022 16:05

Errrm, I'd leave, it's all far too weird. Ex partners shouldn't be thst invested, nor come up in every damn conversation. Get rid, ge sounds a right drip!

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MadeForThis · 13/09/2022 16:09

He doesn't care about your feelings.

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3peassuit · 13/09/2022 16:17

6.5 years of this crap! You deserve better. Leave.

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BecauseICan22 · 13/09/2022 16:17

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:40

I don't know where to start other than AIBU for being pissed off at my BF for bringing up his ex GF constantly but especially during a reminiscing moment about our relationship and our 'song'..

For context, we got together and he told me about his ex GF straight away that they had been broken up for 2 years but were good friends and i would need to be ok with that.. I said sure.. She's a lovely person.

In the beginning she was always there, big group so it didn't really matter, but at lunch work social she was there (they worked together for the first year of us)

On our 1-year anniversary, he brought her to our dinner.. spoke to her the whole time, (Was supposed to cook me a special dish for lunch - which he forgot about) then at dinner with his ex (just the three of us - he invited her) he ordered said meal.. Also on the same day bought a red bike helmet new and said oh ex GF would like this.. not a card or text message or anything for me.. It was too much for me I got up and walked out, and they 'both' followed me!! - she did not get the hint to bugger off at this point.. I literally had to say it's not you, it's him to her and live the embarrassment of the situation (that's a short version)

Move on and some would think this would be it for them, it very nearly was.. however, I got over it and we carried on lots of little things happened over the next two years but I just thought it was me, and moved past them. Nothing was ever sexual or disrespectful to me but an air of togetherness still remained with them.

We move in together.. have now been together longer than they were together in the first place and it's now been 6.5 years - I want to get married (both divorced) and he doesn't - I've accepted that.. but he bought me a ring and said he wanted it to be just between he and I because everyone he has bought a ring for it has finished.. (his EX w, ex GF and now me..)

We were with our group which included ex GF when they saw the ring and all the girls got excited and were making a fuss, I said no it's just a gift (it's a diamond but think flowers rathen than one big stone) and the EX GF sister came up and grabbed my hand and then threw it down and didn't say anything but rushed over to her sister, who took a while but came over and also took my hand (ring is on 'that' finger) I again said it's just a gift she said oh it's really nice BUT got really pissed (not directly at me but in the room - we were at a house party) she started arguing with people and getting louder and louder so I said to my BF let's go - she came running out and tried to follow us to the car shouting wait i'll come with you. I told him in no uncertain terms 'no! she's not joining us I want to go. He said ok and we left. IT was a strained car journey home.

At first I was like I feel for her as she must have loved him but it didn't work out, so she was jealous and quite frankly the more love we have in the world the better for us all, so I really tried to just come to terms with her behaviour but then it played on my mind and it started to piss me off (she is also in a relationship of 4.5 years now) so I thought.. "you were with him for 4 years split up for two when he and I met it's now 6.5 years after that you have your own BF and you still react that way!" you're disrespecting me! so I get a bad feeling in my stomach and just kept my distance. I told my BF how I feel and he tried to be supportive of her telling me she 'got a ring' and it didn't work out!! AND?? are we, not way passed that now!? clearly not.

So roll on a few months (I've tried to not go out when she's there..) no bad feelings really just my feelings have changed towards her and I need to work them out but for now, I don't want to be around her.

Sooo last night we were watching a band's documentary when I said this is our song.. he said what? I said remember in X place when we first got together it was always playing and he said oh yeah.. but no real emotion about it.. (we've mentioned this song before) but clearly he doesn't feel the same. (No other song was given as 'this' is our song - nothing) Anyway said band are playing in our city next year and he said we should go, I said yes I tried for tickets etc but couldn't get through, he said no we'll go VIP, we were laughing and having a really happy conversation (albeit he wasn't feeling the 'our song vibe'.). then another song came on and we were singing it and he said 'ex GF would love this'. It just punched me in the gut!

I looked at him with disbelief and said SHUT UP just stop fucking talking! what??? we're having a conversation about our song' reminiscing about good times and in the middle of that, you say 'ex GF would love it! and he said promptly I'm going to bed I'm not dealing with this?

Now remember I've only ever said anything TWICE in 6.5 years once on our 1st anniversary.. and once when she flipped out about the ring.. never in all the other times there have been similar situations of circumstances have I said anything.

So what would you do?? (I spent the night in the spare room crying painful soul-like tears - (I NEVER CRY)

AIBU? Should I just forget this and move on it's so persistent the moment I think we're on track in whatever way he'll allow I guess she just pops back up! I guess I'm thinking maybe I should take a step back and they're meant for each other as clearly, he hasn't or they haven't let go?? Do I stay in the way of something that's meant to be??

I'm sad. I just don't know what to do.. He's tried talking to me this morning but i just feel saddened..

YABU to stay with this idiot beyond that 1 year anniversary. He had his ex there for your dinner! That was your cue to walk away.

Instead you've given this loser 6.5 years of your life!? Do not push for marriage with him. Do not even attempt to work out how to make this relationship work, you really do deserve a love that is only about you and the other person in that relationship, NOT you, him and his ex. Leave them to it and seriously, go live a life worthy of your heart. This is not it.

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BitossiBlues · 13/09/2022 16:19

Reading this OP, the words of Princess Diana echoed through my head: "There were 3 of us in this marriage".

He's not a keeper, OP. You can and will do better, but you need to work on your self esteem and boundaries. Nothing you have described is normal or healthy in a romantic relationship. Stay with him, and you'll be forever second best, and her, the one that got away. I'm so sorry.

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Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 16:22

thank you so much.. it's so hard, why? I have no real clue.. I wish it was as easy as just walking away.

There is something that paralyses me from doing it..

I'll definitely work on myself over these coming days and see what comes up.

Thank you all again.

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Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 16:24

@momtoboys no but she STILL wears it and infront of me..

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Sunnyqueen · 13/09/2022 16:32

You really really need to get some self respect. I'm sorry but they are blatently taking the piss out of you.

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blockpavingismynightmare · 13/09/2022 17:03

@Mgi4243765 · Today 12:02
@blockpavingismynightmare what is a beard?

'Beard (companion) Beard is an American slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (boyfriend or girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one's sexual orientation.'

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 17:58

no but she STILL wears it and in front of me

Oh my God it gets worse. I really think you need some kind of counselling to work on your self esteem. Why the hell would you put up with that?

They are both playing you like a fiddle. Go on your work trip, talk to family and friends in real life (and be totally honest) and please make plans to leave.

Being single really isn't that scary.

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CaptainCorellisBagpipes · 14/09/2022 11:16

OP, you asked "AIBU?" - No.

" Should I just forget this and move on?" - Yes

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giveovernate · 14/09/2022 12:24

Honestly this is crazy! It's all crazy!

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