6+ years and Ex GF
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:40
I don't know where to start other than AIBU for being pissed off at my BF for bringing up his ex GF constantly but especially during a reminiscing moment about our relationship and our 'song'..
For context, we got together and he told me about his ex GF straight away that they had been broken up for 2 years but were good friends and i would need to be ok with that.. I said sure.. She's a lovely person.
In the beginning she was always there, big group so it didn't really matter, but at lunch work social she was there (they worked together for the first year of us)
On our 1-year anniversary, he brought her to our dinner.. spoke to her the whole time, (Was supposed to cook me a special dish for lunch - which he forgot about) then at dinner with his ex (just the three of us - he invited her) he ordered said meal.. Also on the same day bought a red bike helmet new and said oh ex GF would like this.. not a card or text message or anything for me.. It was too much for me I got up and walked out, and they 'both' followed me!! - she did not get the hint to bugger off at this point.. I literally had to say it's not you, it's him to her and live the embarrassment of the situation (that's a short version)
Move on and some would think this would be it for them, it very nearly was.. however, I got over it and we carried on lots of little things happened over the next two years but I just thought it was me, and moved past them. Nothing was ever sexual or disrespectful to me but an air of togetherness still remained with them.
We move in together.. have now been together longer than they were together in the first place and it's now been 6.5 years - I want to get married (both divorced) and he doesn't - I've accepted that.. but he bought me a ring and said he wanted it to be just between he and I because everyone he has bought a ring for it has finished.. (his EX w, ex GF and now me..)
We were with our group which included ex GF when they saw the ring and all the girls got excited and were making a fuss, I said no it's just a gift (it's a diamond but think flowers rathen than one big stone) and the EX GF sister came up and grabbed my hand and then threw it down and didn't say anything but rushed over to her sister, who took a while but came over and also took my hand (ring is on 'that' finger) I again said it's just a gift she said oh it's really nice BUT got really pissed (not directly at me but in the room - we were at a house party) she started arguing with people and getting louder and louder so I said to my BF let's go - she came running out and tried to follow us to the car shouting wait i'll come with you. I told him in no uncertain terms 'no! she's not joining us I want to go. He said ok and we left. IT was a strained car journey home.
At first I was like I feel for her as she must have loved him but it didn't work out, so she was jealous and quite frankly the more love we have in the world the better for us all, so I really tried to just come to terms with her behaviour but then it played on my mind and it started to piss me off (she is also in a relationship of 4.5 years now) so I thought.. "you were with him for 4 years split up for two when he and I met it's now 6.5 years after that you have your own BF and you still react that way!" you're disrespecting me! so I get a bad feeling in my stomach and just kept my distance. I told my BF how I feel and he tried to be supportive of her telling me she 'got a ring' and it didn't work out!! AND?? are we, not way passed that now!? clearly not.
So roll on a few months (I've tried to not go out when she's there..) no bad feelings really just my feelings have changed towards her and I need to work them out but for now, I don't want to be around her.
Sooo last night we were watching a band's documentary when I said this is our song.. he said what? I said remember in X place when we first got together it was always playing and he said oh yeah.. but no real emotion about it.. (we've mentioned this song before) but clearly he doesn't feel the same. (No other song was given as 'this' is our song - nothing) Anyway said band are playing in our city next year and he said we should go, I said yes I tried for tickets etc but couldn't get through, he said no we'll go VIP, we were laughing and having a really happy conversation (albeit he wasn't feeling the 'our song vibe'.). then another song came on and we were singing it and he said 'ex GF would love this'. It just punched me in the gut!
I looked at him with disbelief and said SHUT UP just stop fucking talking! what??? we're having a conversation about our song' reminiscing about good times and in the middle of that, you say 'ex GF would love it! and he said promptly I'm going to bed I'm not dealing with this?
Now remember I've only ever said anything TWICE in 6.5 years once on our 1st anniversary.. and once when she flipped out about the ring.. never in all the other times there have been similar situations of circumstances have I said anything.
So what would you do?? (I spent the night in the spare room crying painful soul-like tears - (I NEVER CRY)
AIBU? Should I just forget this and move on it's so persistent the moment I think we're on track in whatever way he'll allow I guess she just pops back up! I guess I'm thinking maybe I should take a step back and they're meant for each other as clearly, he hasn't or they haven't let go?? Do I stay in the way of something that's meant to be??
I'm sad. I just don't know what to do.. He's tried talking to me this morning but i just feel saddened..
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
Chikapu · 13/09/2022 12:03
it's just this
Just this? Oh come on, it's not like he's leaving the toilet seat up or forgetting to bring home milk, he's in love with another woman and you're just a place holder.
Why on earth have you settled for this?
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 12:08
@welshpolarbear he just came into my office and drew a love heart and i love you on it, nostalgically and i just felt really sad.. I went to bring up the situation and his phone went so he's back on the phone.
I don't know how to leave when seemingly he's done nothing wrong. What's hard is to understand my feelings and where they're coming from and whether they are indeed justified or not.
I know his EX GF is a red flag thing he is avoiding it.. i will press the issue when he's off the phone..
I am grateful for all of you here answering me and helping me..
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 12:09
@Chikapu i'll be asking him that directly and I guess i'll see his reaction..
BelleHathor · 13/09/2022 12:15
User112 · 13/09/2022 11:55
There are 3 people in this relationship and it’s a bit crowded.
I know that quote. And it turned out to be true too.....
Livpool · 13/09/2022 12:20
I can't believe you have put up with this for SIX years!
Cut your losses and leave them to it
Nagado · 13/09/2022 12:26
I just don't want to leave. I want it to be my forever place if you know what I mean
I totally get this. Prior to meeting my DH I felt the same way about one of my exes. Fortunately for me, he didn’t see our relationship as his forever place. I’m now there and I have never for a second had to question where I am in DH’s list of priorities.
I think he got together with you in an attempt to get over her, but it has never quite happened. I think he didn’t want anyone else to know about the ring because he knew that she’d be upset. And I think he doesn’t want to marry you because he doesn’t envision himself spending the rest of his life with you and doesn’t want to completely shut the door in her face. How can he vow to forsake all others when she’s there, living in his head? I think he loves you but he is not in love with you. And if that hasn’t changed after this long, it’s never going to change. I’d also be willing to bet that there’s more contact between them than you’re aware of.
NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 12:32
He drew a fucking heart on a bit of paper and that's enough, is it? It's because he wants the two damaged women in his life to keep squabbling over him. He probably picks vulnerable people and convinces them they'll "never find anyone like me" or "who else would put up with you" If he thinks you're some sort of child who can be convinced by writing 'i love you' on a notepad, he thinks even less of you than before.
HeythereDelilah101 · 13/09/2022 12:32
I haven’t read your whole post. Don’t need to. Why are you putting up with this. Tell your boyfriend either he cuts her off or you walk… absolutely no way is this ok in anyway.
Nagado · 13/09/2022 12:32
I don't know how to leave when seemingly he's done nothing wrong. What's hard is to understand my feelings and where they're coming from and whether they are indeed justified or not
They are justified. Without a doubt. And he has done something wrong. So you tell him that for six years you have watched while he puts her before you at every opportunity and his comment about the song just made you realise that it will never change. You are not the consolation prize OP.
ConfusedDottComm · 13/09/2022 12:37
Wtf. This is one of those situations when eventually you will find out about their affair then they will get married and float off into the sunset and you will say you always knew it would happen. How very shit.
Pompom2367 · 13/09/2022 12:44
Op I'm sorry your going through this you don't deserve to be made to feel the way you do especially when you have tried to respect there friendship but your relationship needs to be respected to
SweetLittlePixie · 13/09/2022 12:47
Sounds like they both havent moved on. And they wont like this.
I would see if hes willing to cut her out and if not i would give up this relationship, because if youre not the priority after all this time, then its not a relationship worth having.
Spanielsarepainless · 13/09/2022 12:47
He's not over her and he isn't that much into you. I wouldn't waste any more time in this relationship. He is insensitive and unthinking and really doesn't give a toss how he has made you feel. You are worth more than he is prepared to give you, diamond ring or not.
Stopthebusplease · 13/09/2022 13:01
For goodness sake OP, grow up! You're 53, and wasting your life on someone who spends most of his life thinking about another woman. Believe me, I'm ten years older than you, and suddenly life seems very short, with every week passing faster and faster, so please, have some self respect and get rid of this selfish, heartless, man. Don't settle for being second best, and the misery it's bringing you, he's NOT worth it!
NKFell · 13/09/2022 13:03
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 09:55
PS: Don't be sad. Get angry with this arsehole. But also be glad that you'll move on from this horrible 'pick me' situation he's put you in.
Your future will be so much happier without him. And her!
I came to say this ^ 100% this ^
dottiedodah · 13/09/2022 13:04
This is completely unacceptable.They obv have issues and are not "over"each other.I guess its hard for you but you will always be second place .Its not fair on you .Why is she sticking around after all this time .Has she not found a new BF by now? The answer is clear shes still in love with him! You need to set new boundaries or end the RL .Something is going on and you do not know .
Creepymanonagoatfarm · 13/09/2022 13:06
Ffs up he just isn't that into you.
Nowt more to say really.
I voted yabu.
To put up with this shit..
MyPurpleHeart · 13/09/2022 13:08
If it came out that they were still sexually involved all this time would you honestly be surprised?
It sounds like its obvious they were never over and you're the only one that cant see it.
I'm so sorry, please do the right thing and walk away. A man will never respect you if you don't respect yourself.
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 13:32
but we can talk later, he did say he doesn't want to cut me off but he does have some things to attend to
And then cuts you off...
I went to bring up the situation and his phone went so he's back on the phone.
He is totally pulling your strings.
If you want to put up with being treated like an absolute sucker/puppet then carry on.
Everyone who has commented on your post has advised you to leave.
I don't know how to leave when seemingly he's done nothing wrong
He's trying to make you think he's done nothing wrong. If he's making you feel like a piece of crap then he is doing something wrong.
Up to you if you stay or not but you're be a bloody fool if you did. Ex-girlfriend will always be there. By his side. By your side. In his head. In your head.
Please do yourself a favour and make a decision for your own benefit and mental health. Ditch this loser.
You're still participating in the 'pick me' dance.
PS: Being single is brilliant! You get to do what you want to do, when you want to do it. And you don't have to spend time with toxic ex-girlfriends.
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 13:33
We still haven't spoke he hugged my head (i'm sitting) and said 'why make things aukward just let them be.. i love you, dstop being silly.' i haven't even gotten a sentence out.. He must know what ever it is is wrong as he's trying to not talk about it and to just hush it away.
I'm going on a four-day work trip tomorrow so won't see him till Sunday. I think it will be a good time to reflect..
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2022 13:49
Perfect time for a work trip to get away and have some headspace.
Keep talking here if it helps.
He knows exactly what he's doing.
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