6+ years and Ex GF
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:40
I don't know where to start other than AIBU for being pissed off at my BF for bringing up his ex GF constantly but especially during a reminiscing moment about our relationship and our 'song'..
For context, we got together and he told me about his ex GF straight away that they had been broken up for 2 years but were good friends and i would need to be ok with that.. I said sure.. She's a lovely person.
In the beginning she was always there, big group so it didn't really matter, but at lunch work social she was there (they worked together for the first year of us)
On our 1-year anniversary, he brought her to our dinner.. spoke to her the whole time, (Was supposed to cook me a special dish for lunch - which he forgot about) then at dinner with his ex (just the three of us - he invited her) he ordered said meal.. Also on the same day bought a red bike helmet new and said oh ex GF would like this.. not a card or text message or anything for me.. It was too much for me I got up and walked out, and they 'both' followed me!! - she did not get the hint to bugger off at this point.. I literally had to say it's not you, it's him to her and live the embarrassment of the situation (that's a short version)
Move on and some would think this would be it for them, it very nearly was.. however, I got over it and we carried on lots of little things happened over the next two years but I just thought it was me, and moved past them. Nothing was ever sexual or disrespectful to me but an air of togetherness still remained with them.
We move in together.. have now been together longer than they were together in the first place and it's now been 6.5 years - I want to get married (both divorced) and he doesn't - I've accepted that.. but he bought me a ring and said he wanted it to be just between he and I because everyone he has bought a ring for it has finished.. (his EX w, ex GF and now me..)
We were with our group which included ex GF when they saw the ring and all the girls got excited and were making a fuss, I said no it's just a gift (it's a diamond but think flowers rathen than one big stone) and the EX GF sister came up and grabbed my hand and then threw it down and didn't say anything but rushed over to her sister, who took a while but came over and also took my hand (ring is on 'that' finger) I again said it's just a gift she said oh it's really nice BUT got really pissed (not directly at me but in the room - we were at a house party) she started arguing with people and getting louder and louder so I said to my BF let's go - she came running out and tried to follow us to the car shouting wait i'll come with you. I told him in no uncertain terms 'no! she's not joining us I want to go. He said ok and we left. IT was a strained car journey home.
At first I was like I feel for her as she must have loved him but it didn't work out, so she was jealous and quite frankly the more love we have in the world the better for us all, so I really tried to just come to terms with her behaviour but then it played on my mind and it started to piss me off (she is also in a relationship of 4.5 years now) so I thought.. "you were with him for 4 years split up for two when he and I met it's now 6.5 years after that you have your own BF and you still react that way!" you're disrespecting me! so I get a bad feeling in my stomach and just kept my distance. I told my BF how I feel and he tried to be supportive of her telling me she 'got a ring' and it didn't work out!! AND?? are we, not way passed that now!? clearly not.
So roll on a few months (I've tried to not go out when she's there..) no bad feelings really just my feelings have changed towards her and I need to work them out but for now, I don't want to be around her.
Sooo last night we were watching a band's documentary when I said this is our song.. he said what? I said remember in X place when we first got together it was always playing and he said oh yeah.. but no real emotion about it.. (we've mentioned this song before) but clearly he doesn't feel the same. (No other song was given as 'this' is our song - nothing) Anyway said band are playing in our city next year and he said we should go, I said yes I tried for tickets etc but couldn't get through, he said no we'll go VIP, we were laughing and having a really happy conversation (albeit he wasn't feeling the 'our song vibe'.). then another song came on and we were singing it and he said 'ex GF would love this'. It just punched me in the gut!
I looked at him with disbelief and said SHUT UP just stop fucking talking! what??? we're having a conversation about our song' reminiscing about good times and in the middle of that, you say 'ex GF would love it! and he said promptly I'm going to bed I'm not dealing with this?
Now remember I've only ever said anything TWICE in 6.5 years once on our 1st anniversary.. and once when she flipped out about the ring.. never in all the other times there have been similar situations of circumstances have I said anything.
So what would you do?? (I spent the night in the spare room crying painful soul-like tears - (I NEVER CRY)
AIBU? Should I just forget this and move on it's so persistent the moment I think we're on track in whatever way he'll allow I guess she just pops back up! I guess I'm thinking maybe I should take a step back and they're meant for each other as clearly, he hasn't or they haven't let go?? Do I stay in the way of something that's meant to be??
I'm sad. I just don't know what to do.. He's tried talking to me this morning but i just feel saddened..
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
TootsAtOwls · 13/09/2022 10:58
The warning bell was ringing when he said you'd "have" to be ok with his ex still being prominent in his life.
Just leave, op. It won't get any better.
You could have some fun bringing your ex into the conversation every five minutes though. See how he reacts to that.
Hallowbat · 13/09/2022 10:59
Yabu in staying with him, he obviously isn’t over her and you deserve better
NovaDeltas · 13/09/2022 10:59
Bloody hell, the shit some people put up with. What on earth are you playing at keeping this dicksplash's bed warm while he plays games with his ex? What a waste of 6 and a half years!
Time to be a sensible strong adult and not a lovesick 14 year old. He is not remotely into you, he just enjoys the games. What a catch, with sobbing women chasing him across car parks and fighting over him. That's all he's doing this for! 6 years of it, bloody hell.
You're both utterly daft to have fell for this.
Lunabun · 13/09/2022 11:03
Oh OP. This is so beyond the realms of normality. I agree the whole "you have to be ok with my ex being in my life" would have been alarm bells, and the first anniversary meal would have been game over for me. Or at the very least, a moment for a very firm ultimatum - it's me or her.
I understand you have a fear of being alone, which is so difficult. I really sympathise with you. But 6.5 years with someone who values you so little? Don't get fooled by the sunk cost fallacy - just go and make every day from here a better one and don't waste time with people who do not value you.
Hauntedmaison · 13/09/2022 11:04
Stop wasting your life with him
i got a headache just reading your posts so complicated and strange.
is he incredibly rich or amazing in bed or something?
misskatamari · 13/09/2022 11:12
How old are you all? You say you've both been married before and had long term relationships, but this amount of contact with friends just seems quite "young" to me, so it's helpful to have some context (as in the being in big groups of friends often- it's just not something I've done since I was in my twenties etc - not criticising, I'm just interested to understand the dynamic).
Besides that tho - you deserve so much better. The anniversary thing would have been a massive wtf moment for me, and is a massive red flag on his part. Who does that! I hope your conversation today helps and that he gets it, but it really doesn't sound like after all this time he will. There's being friendly with an ex, and there's having them as a big part of your life, to the detriment of your relationship, and this definitely seems like the latter.
You really shouldn't be dealing with this woman as a huge part of your life after all these years, and they both need to either move on or admit they have feelings for each other and get back together. It doesn't sound like they want to admit it for whatever reason tho, maybe even to themselves, and that's just so unfair on partners, like you, who are collateral damage to their disfunction. Honestly, I would be seriously reassessing if you want to be in this relationship ❤️
SproutsAtChristmas · 13/09/2022 11:13
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 10:04
He is a great guy, like I said it's just this really.. I don't think he really understands at all that he is disrespecting me.. I'm very into love thy neighbour and its ok to have love with others but not inside your relationship. I guess i'm realising I want more then he does.. I just need to figure out why I want it at all..
@Mgi4243765 unfortunately he's actually not a great guy. He might be nice, kind, etc but he's not even remotely a good boyfriend. A great guy doesn't spend years talking about their ex to their girlfriend.
Imagine if this was your friend in the situation; I'm sure you'd tell them to get rid and move on.
caringcarer · 13/09/2022 11:21
So many red flags you could make a mile of bunting. He is clearly not over his ex. He is being massively disrespectful to you. She may not be over him either. I would have had enough of him and move onwards..
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 11:22
@Tayegete I just don't want to leave. I want it to be my forever place if you know what I mean and I guess i'll have more of a feeling if that is ever going to be or not after we speak..
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 11:25
@caringcarer I guess I've always felt something was missing.. I just want to be sure it's not my overthinking things and putting pressure on an ok relationship.. pfff I don't know.
Hawkins001 · 13/09/2022 11:26
It seems that they both care for each other, maybe even still love each other.
All the best and positivity op.
OrlandointheWilderness · 13/09/2022 11:28
He's not a nice guy, he knows exactly what the problem is. Would he accept this from one of you Xs?!? I'm sorry but I couldn't live with being second choice. Clearly second choice.
blockpavingismynightmare · 13/09/2022 11:29
OP It would not have got this far for me I am afraid, but since you have invested 6 years of your life into this waster I have questions:-
Why did they split?
(you need to be asking him now)
Has she moved on?
(if not then why not)
Is he gay?
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 11:31
@misskatamari we are older he is 53 and I am 44 (She is 53) we do have a large group of friends who we see often.. lunches dinners etc.. go away together ( i have one set - more my friends, he has another set more his - both separate but we go out with both) as you can imagine it's his set that the EX GF is in..
I think it's more that I want more out of my relationship that he is willing to give.. and when the EX GF comes up it reinforces that and makes me sad for so many reasons..
Whether they would really get back together or not I don't know and I wouldn't hate them if they did life's to short. I just need some clarity of what I want I guess, and to know if he's not in it for the long haul I need to find some bravery to move on..
ILikeHotWaterBottles · 13/09/2022 11:33
Ok op in simple terms, this is how he ranks everyone:
If you're happy with that, continue on. But you will never be first or second. You are third and always will be. You're an idiot if you stick with him any longer, he showed you this 6.5 years ago. Stop wasting your life.
Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 11:33
@blockpavingismynightmare I have thought he was gay many times - why the question though? and he is hung up on an ex-GF who is female so not sure, but he definitely gives off secret gay vibes - it's a topic of jokes in our group (friendly not slurring)
She has a relationship of 4.5 years (who looks like an ugly version of BF no joke)
blockpavingismynightmare · 13/09/2022 11:51
So then begs the question.. where does the ex-girlfriends boyfriend stand here?
It is all fucked up and you are a massive part of it for going along with it for so many years.................
Get rid of him. I bet he is gay. You and she are his beards
User112 · 13/09/2022 11:55
There are 3 people in this relationship and it’s a bit crowded.
welshpolarbear · 13/09/2022 11:56
I'm sorry to be blunt but this looks like it's going to be one of those threads where you ask for advice, everyone says LTB he's treated you awfully, and you say, oh he's not all bad, I'll stay.
It's sad as it looks like he's just walking all over you. Down to not even having time to talk to you today (avoidance)
Please listen to some advice op.
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