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6+ years and Ex GF

121 replies

Mgi4243765 · 13/09/2022 09:40

I don't know where to start other than AIBU for being pissed off at my BF for bringing up his ex GF constantly but especially during a reminiscing moment about our relationship and our 'song'..

For context, we got together and he told me about his ex GF straight away that they had been broken up for 2 years but were good friends and i would need to be ok with that.. I said sure.. She's a lovely person.

In the beginning she was always there, big group so it didn't really matter, but at lunch work social she was there (they worked together for the first year of us)

On our 1-year anniversary, he brought her to our dinner.. spoke to her the whole time, (Was supposed to cook me a special dish for lunch - which he forgot about) then at dinner with his ex (just the three of us - he invited her) he ordered said meal.. Also on the same day bought a red bike helmet new and said oh ex GF would like this.. not a card or text message or anything for me.. It was too much for me I got up and walked out, and they 'both' followed me!! - she did not get the hint to bugger off at this point.. I literally had to say it's not you, it's him to her and live the embarrassment of the situation (that's a short version)

Move on and some would think this would be it for them, it very nearly was.. however, I got over it and we carried on lots of little things happened over the next two years but I just thought it was me, and moved past them. Nothing was ever sexual or disrespectful to me but an air of togetherness still remained with them.

We move in together.. have now been together longer than they were together in the first place and it's now been 6.5 years - I want to get married (both divorced) and he doesn't - I've accepted that.. but he bought me a ring and said he wanted it to be just between he and I because everyone he has bought a ring for it has finished.. (his EX w, ex GF and now me..)

We were with our group which included ex GF when they saw the ring and all the girls got excited and were making a fuss, I said no it's just a gift (it's a diamond but think flowers rathen than one big stone) and the EX GF sister came up and grabbed my hand and then threw it down and didn't say anything but rushed over to her sister, who took a while but came over and also took my hand (ring is on 'that' finger) I again said it's just a gift she said oh it's really nice BUT got really pissed (not directly at me but in the room - we were at a house party) she started arguing with people and getting louder and louder so I said to my BF let's go - she came running out and tried to follow us to the car shouting wait i'll come with you. I told him in no uncertain terms 'no! she's not joining us I want to go. He said ok and we left. IT was a strained car journey home.

At first I was like I feel for her as she must have loved him but it didn't work out, so she was jealous and quite frankly the more love we have in the world the better for us all, so I really tried to just come to terms with her behaviour but then it played on my mind and it started to piss me off (she is also in a relationship of 4.5 years now) so I thought.. "you were with him for 4 years split up for two when he and I met it's now 6.5 years after that you have your own BF and you still react that way!" you're disrespecting me! so I get a bad feeling in my stomach and just kept my distance. I told my BF how I feel and he tried to be supportive of her telling me she 'got a ring' and it didn't work out!! AND?? are we, not way passed that now!? clearly not.

So roll on a few months (I've tried to not go out when she's there..) no bad feelings really just my feelings have changed towards her and I need to work them out but for now, I don't want to be around her.

Sooo last night we were watching a band's documentary when I said this is our song.. he said what? I said remember in X place when we first got together it was always playing and he said oh yeah.. but no real emotion about it.. (we've mentioned this song before) but clearly he doesn't feel the same. (No other song was given as 'this' is our song - nothing) Anyway said band are playing in our city next year and he said we should go, I said yes I tried for tickets etc but couldn't get through, he said no we'll go VIP, we were laughing and having a really happy conversation (albeit he wasn't feeling the 'our song vibe'.). then another song came on and we were singing it and he said 'ex GF would love this'. It just punched me in the gut!

I looked at him with disbelief and said SHUT UP just stop fucking talking! what??? we're having a conversation about our song' reminiscing about good times and in the middle of that, you say 'ex GF would love it! and he said promptly I'm going to bed I'm not dealing with this?

Now remember I've only ever said anything TWICE in 6.5 years once on our 1st anniversary.. and once when she flipped out about the ring.. never in all the other times there have been similar situations of circumstances have I said anything.

So what would you do?? (I spent the night in the spare room crying painful soul-like tears - (I NEVER CRY)

AIBU? Should I just forget this and move on it's so persistent the moment I think we're on track in whatever way he'll allow I guess she just pops back up! I guess I'm thinking maybe I should take a step back and they're meant for each other as clearly, he hasn't or they haven't let go?? Do I stay in the way of something that's meant to be??

I'm sad. I just don't know what to do.. He's tried talking to me this morning but i just feel saddened..

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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ReadtheReviews · 14/09/2022 12:36

I would move away from the claustrophobic friendship group. Far away so socialising with her is not a possibility. Whether you keep it going or not. Move far away. If he wakes up and comes with you, maybe. If he doesn't, forget the lot of them, at least you won't keep running into them.

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ReadtheReviews · 14/09/2022 12:46

Oh hang on!!! Someone saying he is secretly gay just rang major bells. I had a boyfriend who was gay and in the tangled process of coming out. His female best friend who he had once had a fling with behaved just like your partner's ex. This really feels very similar op. Along with the rings and the lack of romantic interest in the sense of anniversaries and songs. Sex and having a great time together however was, for us, really great. Wonder if its the same for you? No public displays of affection for example?

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Mgi4243765 · 23/09/2022 20:48

So update.. I went away on my work trip also to see my kids (18and 19) he said he would do anything to stop me feeling like she is getting the way at all. He’s tell her we’re engaged (we’re not) he’s stop talking to her anything.. I said no it’s not her I don’t like and that’s not who I am it’s something I need to get over ..

FASR FORWARD.

we are currently away in a weekend with this group she and her sister are here.. just arrived. He just shouted accross the table to me are you ok (as we’re sitting apart) and I said yes then everyone was asking who wants what and he called her name to ask her (not me) then saw me look at him for nervous and called her nickname!!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!

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Cherchezlaspice · 23/09/2022 21:22

Mgi4243765 · 23/09/2022 20:48

So update.. I went away on my work trip also to see my kids (18and 19) he said he would do anything to stop me feeling like she is getting the way at all. He’s tell her we’re engaged (we’re not) he’s stop talking to her anything.. I said no it’s not her I don’t like and that’s not who I am it’s something I need to get over ..

FASR FORWARD.

we are currently away in a weekend with this group she and her sister are here.. just arrived. He just shouted accross the table to me are you ok (as we’re sitting apart) and I said yes then everyone was asking who wants what and he called her name to ask her (not me) then saw me look at him for nervous and called her nickname!!!!!!!!! FFS!!!!!!!!

Ffs. How are you still doing this?

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fedupathome · 23/09/2022 21:22

When he said this "he said he would do anything to stop me feeling like she is getting the way at all. He’s tell her we’re engaged (we’re not) he’s stop talking to her anything.. I said no it’s not her I don’t like and that’s not who I am it’s something I need to get over .."

why didn't you give him an ultimatum and why did you say its something you need to get over.
It's not something you get over. LTB.

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Amtheyest17 · 23/09/2022 21:35

This is ridiculous OP, you can’t carry on like this. It sounds like it’s something that’s really going to eat away at you the longer it continues and it doesn’t sound like it’s something your bf intends to fix. If anything he sounds like he thinks your the problem for having an issue with his behaviour. You’re doing yourself a massive disservice by letting him treat you this way. I know you don’t want to be alone but surely that has to be better then this? Intrigued to know if you’ve spoken to anyone else in the friendship group about this or if they have any opinions? Also do you think if you broke up, they would get together? Because from what you’ve said I would bet money that they would, surely it’s better to walk away with your head held high then wait for them to potentially get back together or cheat. It’s really tough because if it were me I would put my foot down and say they can’t be friends - but it’s tough as they are in the same friendship group. This could be why he doesn’t want to do anything about it!

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Lunabun · 23/09/2022 21:44

It's not something you need to get over OP - it's very clearly something he needs to get over!

I would honestly tell him that it's me or her. He will then probably turn it on you and say that you're being awful to demand such an ultimatum, as men are often want to do. But it's a perfectly reasonable thing to expect from a relationship. To expect a relationship where you're not second fiddle to his ex is not remotely unreasonable.

You deserve far better than this x

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Mgi4243765 · 23/09/2022 22:00

I’m currently holding my breath trying not to cry I feel like I have no one to talk to other than you.. the friend group are of another language donor not easy to explains with the translation and they are ‘his’ friend group and if I tell mine I feel I’ll have to act and I’m paralysed by it all..

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Hoghedge10 · 23/09/2022 22:04

Please seek counselling for yourself.

This is such a toxic environment for you and you deserve better.

Counselling will help you work on yourself and figure out what you want. You can't change another person and your BF is showing you exactly who he is and how much he doesn't value you, listen to him and work on liking yourself more! It's so sad you think this is what you deserve.

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Thegrassaintgreener · 23/09/2022 22:18

This sounds awful and awkward.
If you're away, can you go home first thing?
You need some space to work out if this is a relationship you actually want to be in. It's 6.5 years in and your relationship is haunted by his ex. It doesn't matter whether or not you bring it up, are you ok with the ex being a shadow over your relationship?

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Mgi4243765 · 23/09/2022 22:29

I’m not.. I’m trying to rise above it you know.. trying to not be jealous or that kind of person that is not ok but I’m just not I’ve had enough and it just makes me so sad that the only way to stop it is to leave

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Cherchezlaspice · 23/09/2022 23:16

What would it require for you to pull yourself together, act in a manner that is at least vaguely respectful to yourself and end this? What does this man need to do to you?

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Mgi4243765 · 24/09/2022 09:15

He wouldn’t let it go last night kept asking if I’m ok. I said yes but I was gutted inside and it showed. We were all out till 2 am.. we had a group photos he took it and I caught them lock eyes immediately after the photo and that was it.. he was trying to be attentive and I just couldn’t barely look at him.. now for the f’d up part..

the group were continuing to the final event area and he said do you want to go home I said yes.. he gave our keys to her for safe keeping.. I had them he took them from me and have to her.. ok.. no responsibility. So I said get the keys tjen.. he says oh don’t worry x is coming back he has some I say ok she comes over and sus oh are you going I’ll come.. so I said ah ok you can go with x I’m going to the final event

my bf said if you’re going there I’m coming so I said ok.. and she then says oh no I’ll go there too we can go together !!! WTAF..

I said no it’s ok you can go with x they’re going home.. she repeated herself..

so i walk away a little to see if the outside toilets are too grim or not to use and my bf says look x is here why don’t we just go home I said ok.. and LOW AND FKG BEHOLD she is calling out wait for me I’m coming with you!!!!!

as you can imaging my blood stared to boil I said out loud are you fkg kidding me? We get inside i March up the stairs bf in tow and she like goodnight!!

he kept saying what’s wrong and I told him in no uncertain terms I’m done! I can’t do this any more and like what?? What’s wrong I’ve done nothing wrong..

calling for her over the dinner table that LOOk when he took the photo her chasing us AGAIN!!

we’ve barely slept he got up put his clothes on and walked out the room. I said I’m going to drive home he can stay here and come home with others he has t spoken to me..

I had to tell him not to gas light me.

im now strong but don’t know what to do.. it’s a thee hour drive home I just want to wait until they all go out and sneak away..

to actually leave is the hardest part
I feel like I’m stupid looking too Much into things but I have a gut wrenching emotion about it all so feel super sensitised by the whole thing so can’t really stay anyway as I won’t have a clear head on..

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Testina · 24/09/2022 09:25

“I told him in no uncertain terms I’m done!”

Are you?

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misskatamari · 24/09/2022 09:30

I know it hurts now, but that hurt will lessen if you do end this and are free of this relationship and situation. If not, this hurt will continue and eat away at you more and more. You are not happy with this man. This situation with his ex is not going to change. Please be strong now and do walk away. You are worth so so so much more than being treated like this

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Pumpkinpatchlookinggood · 24/09/2022 09:32

Up your mh must be shot. Take stock and put you first. He won't ever do that. Why would he when he has 2 women hanging on him? Get him the fuck out of your life today.

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Ponoka7 · 24/09/2022 09:32

I thought that you were going to say that you were all in your early 20's. It was utter madness that you ever stayed with him. "Love thy neighbour" doesn't mean having no boundaries, or making sure that your own needs are met. Anyone who disrespects your relationship should be told straight. He has never put her in her place and oddly enough neither have you. I'm their age. I wouldn't waste my late 40's with this man. You shouldn't have wasted any of your 40's with him. This really does need to end. I can't help feeling that he's telling her that you are temporary and nothing serious. She's waiting around for something.

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Jeds55 · 24/09/2022 09:37

You have to leave (relationship and holiday). Don't worry about looking silly, I should imagine the others can all sense their closeness and wonder how/why you put up with it. To an outsider it sounds so crazy.
Leave on your terms. You will get over it

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QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 24/09/2022 10:04

Jesus OP. Please be done with this, it's utter madness. You are worth so much more.

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WaltzingWaters · 24/09/2022 12:24

Please move on. It’s never going to end or get any better otherwise. He’s only doing this as he loves the attention he’s getting from two women pining over him. He’s being so incredibly awful to you. The whole situation is just so messed up. Please step back and it’ll all become clear how awful it has been. Do not waste any more time on this. I know you’re scared of being alone but I honestly think it’s what you need for a while. Have some you time. Find a hobby. Take a holiday. Focus on you.

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CakeMonster1 · 24/09/2022 14:33

I'm going to say this and I mean it in the nicest possible way....

When I've been reading through the entire thread, had you not have said you were previously married I would've guessed you were early 20's as sound quite young.

I really think you need to seek some counseling or a course for raising your self esteem/Assertiveness.

He clearly is having his cake and eating it (whether they still hook up or not idk) but emotionally he's kind of having an affair with his ex. There's three of you in the relationship and it's overcrowded. He is putting her before you and from what I've read is fantasising that he's with her. He said it wasn't an engagement ring, wanted it kept quiet and she reacted like she did because somehow and I may be wrong perhaps he's got something still going on with ex and acts different when you aren't with her and vice versa.
He is making a complete mug of you.
IMO he sounds like a complete cockwomble and the sooner you wake up to the reality of this abusive environment and get out the better. It is abusive as it's mentally and emotionally draining you.
You've tried talking to him, he gets distracted or won't talk.
He makes you feel like you have the problem and not hin. He thinks it's acceptable to invite an ex to an anniversary, what next? Him ask to join you both in bed? Please get out and seek some form of therapy to undo all the headfuckery he's caused. And leave him and her to get on with their messed up lives.

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