‘Single parent’ status misrepresenting reality

[Rainycitydweller]

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

I see what you are saying. What term would you prefer?

Co-parent.

I get you, I’m a lone parent, my ex is not around at all I raise my children fully solo, not even maintenance, it does annoy me to be in the same group as single parents who have an active involved ex as it’s just a totally different situation

So in a sentence it would go "I am a co-parent"? That sounds OK to me.

How inactive does the ex have to be though. Completely inactive or like once a month visits for a weekend?

I think single parent means not I a relationship and lone parent mEans raising the children without any support from an ex.
my favourite however is when a married mother says she has been single parenting because her partner has been away.

So are you referring to those who have 50/50 care, or those who have 1 night a fortnight, or whose ex partners promise and don't deliver? I'm not sure what your angle is tbh.

I always say I'm a single parent, but really I'm a lone parent. It is different than having a co-parent for sure, I have more family help though than some lone parents with no family help at all, and I know someone whose family was practically a second set of parents, so I think once you start to compete over these things it gets silly. Many co-parents are not cooperative or have useless co-parents, it wouldn't be an advantage to me to hand them over to someone who I worried wasn't a good parent even if lone parenting is relentless.

Or how about active for visits but none of the actual important stuff like making decisions, schooling, responsibility and hasn't paid a penny in maintenance but sees the kids.
Because I fully understand what you mean, I struggle with saying I single parent but effectively I have a babysitter for my kids rather than a Co parent. It's difficult

@Rainycitydweller are you a line/single/Co parent?

I was one of those parents. I’m not sure how you arrive at this conclusion have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents. On the days (most of them) DD was with me I didn’t have that at all. I just had some free time, exactly as cohabiting parents do, but less flexibly. I could t nip to the shop for milk, or chocolate or whatever once DD was in bed. A cohabiting parent could.
I get that’s it’s easier than if you have no support from the other parent, but it’s not eAsier than cohabiting, how could it be?

Ach, I don’t really care. I’d say I was a lone parent (widowed) not a single parent. There are lots of differences in terms of support /challenges even with being widowed in common. For example my parents are not in a position to help with childcare (older/disabled) but I have a good network of friends; I’m financially fine but am battling to meet the emotional needs of my eldest who has some SN. Life is complex - we’re all misunderstood, really, because no one can really walk in each other’s shoes. So best to give each other as much grace as we can, and crack on

I got annoyed the other day when a single parent said to me if it makes you feel better my ex is involved but I don’t get anything done when he has the kids (at least you get a break 😳) there is also the assumption that lone parents have lots of family support, I have no family help at all.

I find it a bit clunky to say I am a co parent. I tend to say I co parent with my ex.

Yep widow here, agree it’s very, very different doing everything by yourself. Financially it is a bit different for me as I had some life insurance, but wasn’t fully covered so still have to work full time!

At the same time, everyone’s situations are unique and have ups and downs. Some single parent families will have nightmare exs involved, some no exs involved. Some two parent families are poorer than single parent families. Etc etc.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I don't see it as any different as the variation in cohabiting parents. Some will be really supportive and sharing everything, some will be doing all the childcare, be unable to safely leave their children with their partner and experience financial abuse.

Single parent just means you don't cohabit. It is no reflection on how much support you do or don't have.

@tunnocksreturns2019 I'm also a widow but I don't tend to announce this as people feel the need then to tell you how sorry they are or carry on mentioning it, so I tend to say single parent unless someone asks directly.

But a co parent could be 50/50 active involved parenting or every other weekend for daddy fun time and none of the actual work?! I have the latter - trust me, I essentially parent alone and have someone who yes, is an adult presence but also barely adequately cares for them. I do at least get cm.

@tunnocksreturns2019 that sounded like I was being critical and it wasn't meant that way at all! I meant I sympathise about being a widow, it's quite hard to know what to say, isn't it? Sorry if that came over wrongly.

I am a lone parent and have been for half my childrens lives.

Oh and no family help at all. I like a PP POV.... lone parent.
I am a lone parent, no family, no friend network and a 'Co parent' who is a babysitter who needs 3 lots of diary entries for when they have the children, still to ask me at least every other week.

Oh gosh I don’t announce it either. When I said ‘I’d say’ I suppose I was talking in a figure of speech. To be honest whether I have a partner or not doesn’t tend to come up with people who don’t already know me

What about when the court forces you to co parent with an abusive parent

Single parent here - my kids see their dad for 4 days a month and lives 90 miles away. So I do it all apart from 4 days off a month.
You might not get any weekends off when you have your kids 24/7 but you have a husband or partner that shares the responsibility of looking after your children. That’s a whole different ball game and thank god I get 4 days off a month (well, technically 2 as it’s a Friday evening drop off and Sunday evening collection) because the emotional and physical load is exhausting at times.
Lone parents - they have it the hardest without a doubt.

Oh not at all, I looked back at my wording and it appeared I announce ‘I’m a widowed parent’ wherever I go, whereas many people at work for example wouldn’t have a clue! It doesn’t come up. Mostly people like to talk about themselves haha