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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Single parent’ status misrepresenting reality

284 replies

Rainycitydweller · 12/09/2022 22:29

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 13/09/2022 07:30

While I don't refer to myself as anything I'm certainly not a Co parent. Picking them up occasionally in the holidays because he choice to live in another country and not paying any maintanance doesn't make him a Co parent whatever other posters think

Notlosinganyweight · 13/09/2022 07:35

I do agree with you OP, but even those who share custody can still find themselves doing a lot of the care and mental labour for the children. I know a couple of cases like this.

I'm in a relationship and we both work FT with young kids and it is bloody hard. I do sometimes wonder if shared custody would be less stressful (we both can't afford it), but then being a lone parent must be far, far worse. You can't leave the kids with the other person for 10 mins if you need a break.

FredrikaPeri · 13/09/2022 07:44

Comparison is the thief of joy.

This! Ffs.

DarceyG · 13/09/2022 07:46

Rainycitydweller · 12/09/2022 22:29

AIBU to be so infuriated by so called ‘single mums’ who actually co parent their child/children with a responsible ex partner , have more independence and less responsibility than cohabiting parents and a reliable maintenance payment every month but who wear their status when it suits to suggest they are someone how disadvantaged? Not only is it insulting and disrespectful to the invisible on SM etc co-parent, playing up to the connotation they are a bit shit or neglectful, but it also totally undermines actual lone parents (and their children)genuinely struggling to survive parenthood completely unsupported as well as any parents who have responsibility for their kids 24/7 with no weekends off etc ?
I appreciate co-parenting is not easy but it’s totally different to having sole responsibility in every way for your children.

You’re probably going to have your head chewed off on this thread and rightly so. I am single parent my child’s father has her 2 nights a week to take her to school for me to go to work. I never stop, my life revolves around my child and I’m happy more importantly she’s happy. You don’t sound like a happy person.

toooldtodate · 13/09/2022 07:50

FredrikaPeri · 13/09/2022 07:44

Comparison is the thief of joy.

This! Ffs.

This

Why does it have to be a race to the bottom with competitive comparison about how shit our lives are? Just because someone has a co parent doesn't necessarily make their lives better than yours?

Some women I'd imagine would prefer their ex partner not to be around due to the emotional upheaval and manipulation that comes with having to deal with him on a regular basis

justfiveminutes · 13/09/2022 07:51

I don't care what other people call themselves as it makes no difference to my circumstances whatsoever.

Andromachehadabadday · 13/09/2022 07:53

Quincythequince · 13/09/2022 06:46

I was, as is clear in my post, referring to the time when my husband was working away for months in months on end, during. Which other people used to say to me in some way or another ‘you’re just like a single parent’

Of course I wasn’t - I corrected them on that, at that time.

It’s all there in black and white you swivel-eyes fool.

You making absolutely no sense at all, and your posts to me are deluded at best.

Show quote history

Ok. Despite saying you have never called yourself a single parent. You are and understand all versions of single parent.

And you need to descend into personal insults because of how right you. That also makes sense.

Got it.

MinervaTerrathorn · 13/09/2022 07:54

Some women I'd imagine would prefer their ex partner not to be around due to the emotional upheaval and manipulation that comes with having to deal with him on a regular basis
Exactly! When we got a no contact order after dv it was a huge relief. Lone parenting has been much easier.

DarceyG · 13/09/2022 07:55

toooldtodate · 13/09/2022 07:50

This

Why does it have to be a race to the bottom with competitive comparison about how shit our lives are? Just because someone has a co parent doesn't necessarily make their lives better than yours?

Some women I'd imagine would prefer their ex partner not to be around due to the emotional upheaval and manipulation that comes with having to deal with him on a regular basis

Show quote history

This!! I’m not with him for a reason. It would have been less stress when she was younger being a ‘lone’ parent

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 07:57

@DarceyG don't be ridiculous. Your ex has your dc two nights a week. That's completely different to the OPs circumstances and you have no idea how lucky you are to get a break from the relentless life of a lone parent. Why should the OP have her head chewed off?

Angelinflipflops · 13/09/2022 07:58

Bring solely responsible for paying your own bills and mortgage and keeping a roof over you and your kids head doesn't feel like just 'co- parenting' to me, it can be very lonely and overwhelming even if you don't have the kids the whole time.

Quincythequince · 13/09/2022 08:00

Andromachehadabadday · 13/09/2022 07:53

Ok. Despite saying you have never called yourself a single parent. You are and understand all versions of single parent.

And you need to descend into personal insults because of how right you. That also makes sense.

Got it.

Show quote history

I think you will find you were very rude to me twice before I jabbed back.

Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it armchair warrior!

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 08:01

This thread is bonkers. OP you are allowed to be struggling and feel sad that you are a lone parent with all that entails. You've obviously hit a nerve with some posters who have NO idea what being a lone parent is like, or a single as yes they're co parents and their dc have both parents in their lives. I'd ignore this thread now as it will just make you feel worse. Some people are so tone death and are reacting as they are the people you're on about in your OP. No idea whatsoever on the reality of lone parenting.

Quincythequince · 13/09/2022 08:02

You are and understand all versions of single parent

Never said this anywhere did I.
My my, you are showing off your reading and comprehension skills in a remarkable fashion aren’t you.

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 08:02

Deaf not death 😂

MinervaTerrathorn · 13/09/2022 08:03

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 07:57

@DarceyG don't be ridiculous. Your ex has your dc two nights a week. That's completely different to the OPs circumstances and you have no idea how lucky you are to get a break from the relentless life of a lone parent. Why should the OP have her head chewed off?

I've been in both situations and lone parenting has been much much easier for me.

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 08:03

@Angelinflipflops imagine that and then imagine never having a break and the sadness your dc feel at not knowing their dad. It's not the same.

toooldtodate · 13/09/2022 08:05

And also as a co parent you lose half the xmas's half the birthdays - I'd know what I'd rather

(I have 3 very small children STBEXH doesn't pay CMS and I'd hardly call his contribution of an hour at the park every other weekend co parenting)

Day20 · 13/09/2022 08:07

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 08:01

This thread is bonkers. OP you are allowed to be struggling and feel sad that you are a lone parent with all that entails. You've obviously hit a nerve with some posters who have NO idea what being a lone parent is like, or a single as yes they're co parents and their dc have both parents in their lives. I'd ignore this thread now as it will just make you feel worse. Some people are so tone death and are reacting as they are the people you're on about in your OP. No idea whatsoever on the reality of lone parenting.

Black kettle pot or whatever the saying is.

JubileeTrifle · 13/09/2022 08:09

I have only ever met one person who was actually co-parenting. If one of them was ill, the other would step in and take the kids for the week to let them recover or if they had a busy work week. There was zero drama and they were very flexible. I’m sure it almost never happens.

Ive met more parents who have out sourced parenting to their own parents. People who never have their children at the week for instance because they go to GP. I worked for someone whose mum had her children during the week so it didn’t interfere with work (and even was extremely unsympathetic about needing to be there for my child). Her mum did all of school, doctors etc.

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 08:10

It's not about you @toooldtodate It's about your dc and them having a dad who wants to see them for christmas is worth half of their childhood Christmases.

@MinervaTerrathorn so have I and my dc knowing their dad and seeing him eow, being able to ring him if dd broke a leg and having adhoc money off of him is so much better for my dc even if he doesn't do any mental load or active parenting.

DarceyG · 13/09/2022 08:11

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 07:57

@DarceyG don't be ridiculous. Your ex has your dc two nights a week. That's completely different to the OPs circumstances and you have no idea how lucky you are to get a break from the relentless life of a lone parent. Why should the OP have her head chewed off?

You do not know anything at all about life, not a thing. I don’t think people will be happy about her sweeping statements. Anyway I’m disengaging. This is a non conversation for me. I have it good because I have created a good life for me and my child.

SoupDragon · 13/09/2022 08:13

CatchersAndDreams · 13/09/2022 08:03

@Angelinflipflops imagine that and then imagine never having a break and the sadness your dc feel at not knowing their dad. It's not the same.

It's not Top Trumps FFS.

SoupDragon · 13/09/2022 08:14

Why do women do this to each other? It's just pathetic and nasty.

toooldtodate · 13/09/2022 08:14

@CatchersAndDreams

I think you have to look at the intention behind fathers who don't bother for the hard boring bits of parenting then swan in for the fun bits Like the second coming

Most mothers - myself included - would say they didn't have children only not to see them for half their lives and important occasions And therefore would likely choose lone parenting over co parenting (unless it was incredibly amicable - which 9/10 it isn't)