To think that the public doesn't accept autism

[SomeCleverUsername]

Have 2 disabled DC with very high needs. Also work in this area. DH and I usually take them out separately so we can focus fully on 1 child. We never let them hurt other people and we take them out of situations if they really are not coping.

Yesterday we all went to local shopping centre as a family which we haven't done for a while. It's really obvious from DC's presentations and their specialist equipment that they are disabled. At several opportunities my DH was watching the boys while I went to the counter etc and while I wasn't in the thick of it I got to see just how many people were openly staring at them, tutting, eye rolling, even pointing.

Then I saw another thread this morning on a similar ish topic. It's honestly made me feel like I should never take them out in public 'normal' spaces again.

Should we only go to 'special' places? They already go to special schools ...

I'm so sorry, people can be such assholes.

Mine has ADHD and ASD. She's not in a specialist school. The only regulation I put around being somewhere is how she is, how her tolerance to noise/stimulation is that day etc

Other than that no, you take them where you want to of course.

No. It's important for you to go out and live as you wish. Do not be put of by a few heartless individuals. The more you go out the easier it will be .. you will eventually not notice nor care..
I wish you all the best it must be (practically) hard enough to go out without dealing with @@@@wits..

I don't think it's about acceptance, it's probably more to do with ignorance. Unless you work in medicine or education I doubt its a condition people are aware of or have first hand knowledge of.

Most adults will not have been to school with other people with autism because if they had stimmed etc in public they would have gone to a special school etc as with other disabilities that were hidden away. As our current generation of school children grow up hopefully they will be more understanding.

People should never be rude or disrespectful though and pointing isn't on.

Sorry you had to go through that though, it must be hard.

I'll be honest, it was really embarrassing. I normally don't really notice anymore (it was much harder when they were toddlers, before they were officially diagnosed and just in a normal pram etc).

Agree that some time ago it was default to always send children like this off to a special school, so no one 'saw' them.

Yes, the nephew thread. I really do understand the other side but it's so stressful that the amount of places we can go just gets smaller and smaller every year.

This hasn’t been my experience and I have 1 severely disabled child with autism.

Iv only ever had 1 rude as fuck women who told my child to be ‘shut up’ and I told her to fuck off and never speak to my child.

Otherwise I would actually say the majority of the public have sympathy.

but no don’t stop taking your children to ‘normal’ places. You do however need to take your children to appropriate places. My son who is 9 has only just been to the cinema this year as he never would of coped before and would of been to noisy.

I wouldn’t take him to a library either now unless I was desperate for something.

but any kind of space where he can make noise then I take him. It might also help that I really don’t care what others think. Il put the needs of my kids first every time and I make sure they get to experience everything I can.

High needs autistic people often have behaviours that people don’t see often in public so it does catch people’s attention. We all notice if behaviour is unusual in some way, it’s just natural.

The problem isnt really that people notice it’s the way they then behave about it themselves.

I'm autistic, with 2 autistic daughters.

Under the old diagnostic terms me and one child has aspergers. People are very accepting and understanding as on the face of it, unless you knew, we aren't seen as much different to anyone else.

My other daughter has classic autism and she is treated terribly by strangers (and even by people who know her, and know she is autistic).

You didn't have them at your school because they were sent away to a 'special school'. There was no integration.

I do also remember my asd daughter pointing and commenting loudly at a chap in a specialist chair in a restaurant, she wanted to know what was wrong and kept asking questions really loudly. We were sat next to them. . ( why is he making that noise, why is he dribbling etc...) I was so embarrassed... Eventually I summoned up the courage and explained ... They were amazing they invited her over and encouraged questions.

It made me realise how uncomfortable people can be and how we struggle to know how to interact with someone with disabilities... So some of the reactions you experienced are simply that fear and curiosity as it is very rare to meet people with complex needs as you go about your business.

Don't let them out you off going out the more people are exposed the less it will happen.. wishing you all the very best. 💐💐

Please don't feel you can't go out. Crack on and do your very best to ignore any shite (I also have two autistic children)

@hattie43 what a nasty ablist post.
The reason you didn't see disabled children when you were at school is because they were locked in special hospitals and "residential " schools. Should we as a society go back to that writes off and hides away anyone who is different just so you and other disgustingly selfish that's don't have there trips "ruined" or should people like you learn a bit of compassion and winde your fucking neck in with the "parent there children " I mean seriously get over yourself and stop judging parents until you have walked a mile in our shoes

I'm in a similar situation OP. I think sometimes it can be a fine line between going out to everyday places and giving dc the opportunities that every child should have and being mindful of how stressful they can find different situations and the impact of distressed behaviours on others.

Eg we go out for breakfast every weekend as a family, as I think my dc have the right to go out and about and get used to eating somewhere other than school or home. However, if they become dysregulated, we leave. Partly because they're showing they're not coping, and partly because our right to go out and eat out shouldn't spoil other people's enjoyment of the same.

In the pantomime example, I would not take my youngest as I know they would not cope and I think it would be very unfair on both them and the rest of the audience to put him in that situation.

In your example of the shopping centre, it's something we try to avoid as mine have a short window of tolerance for outings like this, however we do do it if we need to, we just keep these visits fairly brief. I certainly wouldn't let others reactions put me off. In some circumstances I don't think it is necessarily malicious, more curiosity (albeit sometimes expressed rudely). I tend to smile at people I notice looking or pointing, and more often than not I'll get a smile in return, or even a kind comment.

The more families like ours are seen out and about, the more 'normal' it will become to others, hence hopefully less staring etc. That's my dream anyway! But like I say, it can be a tricky balance. Please don't feel you should hide away, there are more famililike ours than you would think x

@TwinkleChristmas I'm really surprised you've only experienced it once in 9 years! I don't think we've had anyone actually say anything to us but lots of disapproving looks. I thought it was just me being sensitive but then my DM told me the other day how sad other people staring at us made her.

I agree with the posters who say that unless you have direct personal experience you probably don't see people behaving like this very often out and about. My view is skewed because the vast majority of our friends have disabled children.

Get a grip . The nature of forums is you'll get many answers not just the ones you want. My answer is trying to explain why some people do react badly to autistic children which is what I thought the OP wanted .

@FishFingerSandwiches4Tea yes, such a fine balance.

We use a lot of specialist places but don't want to, and you're right shouldn't, disappear from the 'normal' world entirely.

Lots of good advice, thank you

For me personally I'm astounded at the number of children labelled or diagnosed as autistic . Since when have there been so many disabled children born . People will say diagnosis is better but that aside I never knew ' different' children in my school days . Out of my whole school times I can think of one child who was different , very quiet with poor communication and a possible learning difficulty

Children with autism were put in places and tied to radiators back 'in your day'. They were kept out of sight. The amount of adults I'm seeing getting a diagnosis is significant, not to mention the sheer amount of undiagnosed adults there are about. Those who go on to have children with a ND condition.
I'm sick to death of hearing the we didn't have this in our day crap. It's been there all along, YOU were just ignorant to it.

I've got a neighbour with two autistic children with quite severe learning disabilities, also at special school. We live in a village & the community are very supportive and no one bats an eyelid, but then she is very sensitive about where she takes them/when etc so perhaps that plays a part. Of course younger children comment, just as they do if they see someone in a wheelchair or with an unusual appearance. We all try to educate our children in an age appropriate way & she is good at responding to children who comment.

There are lots of places that are simply too overwhelming for the boys and she makes the choice not to go to places where they can't cope - but that's about considering their needs/keeping people safe.

Back in the dark ages that you are from clearly they used to ship the kids off. Thank god we don’t do this now so I’m not sure why you are so astounded about the amount of disabled children around.

@hattie43 had you not made your nasty comments about parenting and not believing how many people have a diagnosis you might be able to claim that "you were just trying to explain " which your other comments prove to be back peddling because you've been called out on your abilisum

It sounds really hard and exhausting but I think the public accepts differences more now than ever before. Sadly there is still such a long way to go but I think most people have some level of awareness or willingness to try and understand but people are also generally thoughtless and nosy. Sorry you had this experience when you were trying just to go about your daily lives.

Because back in your day if kids couldn't sit down and shut up with the majority they weren't in mainstream schools.

I have two autistic children, I'm autistic and my dad is autistic. My dad's generation it was literally belted out of him. If he stimmed he was belted. If he got upset at a change in routine he was belted. If he said out of turn, he was belted. Even in school.

My autistic daughter has a specialist school agreed but is in mainstream as the better option for her. She isn't a behavioural problem but sticks out like a sore thumb for being incredibly different. When I was at school she'd never have been allowed in mainstream with her only crime of being different. My autistic son is in nappies still in mainstream, when I was at school he wouldn't have been allowed to start school and would still be at home now.

Just because you don't recall different kids, it didn't mean they didn't exist. They were just kept out of sight and out of mind.

@SomeCleverUsername

Please do not stop taking your children out anywhere you choose to go.
The only way ignorance is stopped is by exposure.

Us parents of children /young adults with disabilities have to be strong for them. We advocate for them.

We didn't come this far in society to go back. Its hard so hard. I get it. Esp when you are already tired to then have to deal with that. To calm your self to not scream at them people.

It is literally ignorance. Lack of understanding and fear of what they don't know.

I actually feel sorry for people like that as clearly they have closed minds.

Coming from a mum of young adult with autism, learning disabilities xx

I think there is still a long way to go, though people are a lot more accepting than years ago.

However I also think that one person, disabled or not, doesn't have the 'right' to disturb everyone else's paid enjoyment of something like the theatre. These days many theatres / cinemas do 'relaxed' performances where people expect a certain amount of disruption from other members of the audience.