To think that the public doesn't accept autism

[SomeCleverUsername]

Have 2 disabled DC with very high needs. Also work in this area. DH and I usually take them out separately so we can focus fully on 1 child. We never let them hurt other people and we take them out of situations if they really are not coping.

Yesterday we all went to local shopping centre as a family which we haven't done for a while. It's really obvious from DC's presentations and their specialist equipment that they are disabled. At several opportunities my DH was watching the boys while I went to the counter etc and while I wasn't in the thick of it I got to see just how many people were openly staring at them, tutting, eye rolling, even pointing.

Then I saw another thread this morning on a similar ish topic. It's honestly made me feel like I should never take them out in public 'normal' spaces again.

Should we only go to 'special' places? They already go to special schools ...

@SomeCleverUsername

I just remember that whenever we get that experience from others.

They do not realise that :

1: anybody could become disabled at any time, through accident or ill health.

2: the odds are that as they get into old age ( if lucky enough to) the will experience some sort of illness /affliction.

Then hopefully they will have matured enough to get it, regret it. Learn the lesson on there behaviour to others.

Some people don't realise disability is not bias and can happen to anybody.

Take care of you and your family xx

I was at primary school until the late 00s and then went to secondary. There weren’t many autistic students at either school (the primary school was 1 form entry and secondary was large). Many special schools closed when I was a baby so children with SEN had to go to general state schools. I’m not sure why there are more autistic dc nowadays. Risks of autism and similar disabilities and learning difficulties increase in older mums and dads and I know the age of first or second time parents is increasing. Maybe it could be that dc are diagnosed with ASD but it’s actually something else? Not sure.

Nevertheless, it’s sad strangers were tutting about OP’s sons at the shopping centre. What were they doing?

"it's hard for others to distinguish between an unruly badly behaved child and a disabled / autistic child so they expect the parent to control the behaviour ."

It is really obvious that my child is severely disabled. Not difficult to tell at all. There was someone on the other thread calling a child who is clearly severely disabled, naughty. Some people are just bigots.

@hattie43 but lots of those children would have just gone undiagnosed, you might not have seen them struggling but that doesn’t mean they weren’t. My DD is diagnosed ASD and is high functioning, as we were going through the diagnosis DH realised how much of her traits were similar to his own (which I’d already said but he didn’t want to hear 🙄). He struggles with lots of the same scenarios (like noise, busy places) and has similar reactions to her (gets very stressed and ‘overheats’ and just leaves). His mom still has his school reports and reading them it’s very clear that he would have had more support, and more likely a diagnosis, these days. As it was he left school with no qualifications and got lucky with a good job that suits him well. Hopefully for DD the fact that her autism is acknowledged and she has more support means she will find school easier.

The main incident:

One was making stimming noises, wanted to get out of his specialist buggy, so I took him out while we were waiting for a cake. He then tried to crawl across the floor for a cake, so I quickly picked him up and played with him while he sat on my hip. Probably looked a bit unusual as he's primary aged. He was not overly upset but making grumble noises whereas a typically developing child would talk.

The other also didn't get the concept that he would have to wait and briefly shouted (at the level that a baby cry would be) and angry stimmed for about 20 seconds before his Dad came and got him to wait in the queue with him so he was nearer to the cakes.

Surely though you wouldn't take your child somewhere unsuitable for them. With any child (disabled or not) you look at their capabilities and level of understanding and then decide which environments are suitable for them. That's not fear or disabilism, it's just parenting.

There's honestly no need to react so rudely and aggressively. The previous poster wasn't judging. She was just making an observation. The whole world isn't out to get you.

I don't really notice this tbh. I am also autistic though so picking up on other people isn't something I do.

Do they wear sunflower lanyards?

I was standing at a bus stop and also in the queue was a parent with an older child who was clearly severely autistic who was making repetitive noises. Some ignorant person said loudly " You need to stop him making those dreadful noises". The parent ignored them and several people glared at the person who said it, who then shut up. Some people don't want to get it.

@Sushi7 increasing parental age is linked to higher rates of ASD, as is a premature birth. As both parental age and survival rates of premature babies are increasing there are literally going to be more children with ASD nowadays. Also some maternal conditions like preeclampsia, which is better treated nowadays and less likely to lead to infant death, also linked to ASD. So it’s likely the case that there are more children with ASD born and surviving than there were in the past.

But also, I went to school in the 2000s and I can think of quite a few people I knew who were considered ‘odd’ or lower ability who struggled at school or in the classroom, it’s those children who may have been diagnosed now but were just labelled stupid or naughty before

I hear you OP. My dc is very high needs and frequently gets stared at. DC is 7 and uses reins a lot due to buggy refusal, has a habit of crawling on all fours which earns us lots of stares. Has had numerous public meltdowns which result is staring, tutting, nasty comments and general bad manners. When the carer started taking dc out she was gobsmacked at the reactions of people. She couldn't understand why people would do that and not offer help or just walk past without commenting/staring.

People will say diagnosis is better but that aside I never knew ' different' children in my school days .

I might have been at your school. I was the 'quiet one', 'the shy one'. The one who spent play and lunch alone and mostly unnoticed because she had no idea how to 'fit' but was terrified because she knew she didn't fit. My late teens and early twenties saw me become dependent on alcohol (something I have long since recovered from) just to get me through the day. I was so compliant because I had no real voice that I got myself into many dangerous situations. I was locked in a house and raped by a man in his 60s when I was just 16. I was 38 when I realised he had raped me. I might have been in your school.

Out of my whole school times I can think of one child who was different , very quiet with poor communication and a possible learning difficulty

You are not qualified to assess children now though, clearly, never mind when you were still a child yourself.

I was at primary school until the late 00s and then went to secondary. There weren’t many autistic students at either

My eldest was at school then. She is waiting for assessment now. She spent her school years in fear. Her anxiety now is horrendous. She might have been in your school.

They don't wear sunflower lanyards but that is because (I thought) that it's already very obvious. Both primary aged, DC 1 has ear defenders and other specialist equipment and talks at about the ability of a typical 3 year old. DC2 is mostly in a specialist buggy and is non verbal, in a nappy which you can usually see because he can only tolerate leggings rather than jeans etc.

I don't take them places I know they won't cope but I do (did) take them places I thought they would cope with adaptations in place. We always take them home if they get overwhelmed.

Absolutely this!
My brother went to "special school" and never would have coped in mainstream but there were children in my primary school who looking back were clearly ND and were treated dreadfully. I've vivid memories of one girl who used to be masking taped to her chair daily and a boy who would have been diagnosed with aspergers type ASD who the teacher used to hold his hand so tight in the playgroup that he'd be screaming and crying in pain. So upsetting.

I think there are a significant portion of people out there who lack empathy in any circumstance. You have to learn not to care what they think. They are not good people and they don’t deserve to have you giving their opinions on anything any credence.

Think of it this way imagine a person who has spent years dealing with and learning about a topic or an issue (like being a parent of a child with autism) then imagine some really ignorant person coming up and offering an opinion on that issue knowing literally nothing about it from a position of pure ignorance. Imagine the foolishness and misplaced arrogance it would take for of that person to do that. Well that is what you are dealing with and the person doing that does not deserve to have their ignorance heard. Just ignore, ignore, ignore.

On the flip side of that coin we have an autistic child and we have found a lot of fantastic people and understanding too. It does exist. Forget about the ignorant people and focus on the nicer people. It takes all sorts to make the world go around but some people are simply more bad than good. Don’t let them bother you. Do you have an local parenting group for autistic people. Ours was brilliant for building up confidence in going out. Safety in numbers and all that

@underneaththeash

Please tell me where my 21 son is not allowed to go?

Is he an adult in his own right and by law not allowed to go anywhere because he is banned or because others are uncomfortable and judgemental?

This.
People are a lot more educated now and Neurodiversity is taken into account.
BUT if something I have paid good money for (like an expensive show, or a family celebration) is interrupted and ruined by someone's child, that is a parenting issue. LDs or not.

That poster absolutely was judging. With clanging bells

Oh wow - nice example of how ignorant and judgemental some people are. Way to go @hattie43 !

@underneaththeash

I will take my son anywhere I choose thank you.

Just as you have the choice. You know your human right.

Sorry is my son not human and therefore don't have the right?

Look up inclusion and social model of disability.

You may think that you are not relaying judgement but when you say to someone : surely you would only access places suitable for your child. Can you not see within that statement the bias.

He is entitled to access exactly the same as anybody else.

I think a lot of people struggle to understand Autism and similar conditions, often not necessarily from a place of ignorance but just due to lack of experience.

ds is a part time wheelchair user as well as being autistic (he has an encyclopaedia of diagnosis) and I have found when he is in his chair he is treated very differently then when walking. It’s almost as if people understand wheelchair more. We also don’t get the looks and comments for using disabled spaces when he is in his chair which is funny as when we arent using the chair he actually needs the disabled space more!

Do people think that families with disabilities don't pay?

Extras as well. Do they think that families with disabilities are not allowed days out?

I have been so many places in which my son acts beautiful yet all the other kids are mis behaving.

Yet he gets judges my them? Seriously???

Children without needs also have behaviour. Shall we ban them?

My aunt was autistic. The reason you didn't see people like her in school was because they didn't go to mainstream schools. She was kept at home. My sister was sent to a special school where children with all types of learning disabilities and behavioural problem were lumped in together. My own daughter went to mainstream and was looked upon as being a bit odd. She's now in alternative provision school.