To think that the public doesn't accept autism

[SomeCleverUsername]

Have 2 disabled DC with very high needs. Also work in this area. DH and I usually take them out separately so we can focus fully on 1 child. We never let them hurt other people and we take them out of situations if they really are not coping.

Yesterday we all went to local shopping centre as a family which we haven't done for a while. It's really obvious from DC's presentations and their specialist equipment that they are disabled. At several opportunities my DH was watching the boys while I went to the counter etc and while I wasn't in the thick of it I got to see just how many people were openly staring at them, tutting, eye rolling, even pointing.

Then I saw another thread this morning on a similar ish topic. It's honestly made me feel like I should never take them out in public 'normal' spaces again.

Should we only go to 'special' places? They already go to special schools ...

This is so true. My son was in a pram when he was a baby and was hooked up to feeding tubes and all sorts and because he wasn't in a wheelchair the bus driver told us we had to fold up the pram when we got on the bus. He'd just had a transplant operation and had a wound the full width of his stomach so it was painful for him to be moved around so much, yet the driver insisted because he wasn't "in a wheelchair".

Wow..
That was a really snidy dig at autistics.

I don't know the extent of your son's needs - it needs to be a situational judgement - cafe in Sainsbury's, a soft play, a bus, a supermarket; running around, not being quiet, absolutely fine.

A fine dining restaurant or something where if your child is making a loud noise and other people can't actually hear what they need to hear such as the cinema or the theatre - not acceptable.

Your child and their needs do not trump everyone elses.

I took my older two to see Gangster Granny a few years ago, we got a babysitter for DD as she was too young to sit still. The child in the seat in front of us was constantly standing up and screaming, my kids who had been waiting to see it for ages couldn't hear or see the production. How is that acceptable? Should I just have told my boys that it's okay that they aren't able to see or hear the thing that they've been looking forward to and we've paid for as the child has special needs?

If I knew for a fact they'd have a meltdown and they didnt want to go? No.

If they wanted to go and I wasn't sure they'd cope? I'd let them try.

If they wanted to go and I thought they'd enjoy it? Absolutely.

Other people would just have to cope with him stimming, making noises, drumming on the table, etc.

A fine dining restaurant or something where if your child is making a loud noise and other people can't actually hear what they need to hear such as the cinema or the theatre - not acceptable. Your child and their needs do not trump everyone elses.

A disabled person making involuntary noises related to their disability should not have to leave just because non-disabled people don't like it.

Ds is actually much better at “fine dining” places than he is family friendly because other peoples noise is a massive trigger for him. We have taken him on cruises where he has been perfectly happy in the main dining room on black tie night and the staff made fantastic adjustments for him.

parents know their child and what they will cope with. I know DS needs a space where he can safely bounce so will either make sure a table is booked in a corner where he can bounce behind it or I will take him somewhere safe outside while he gets the release he needs

If people never try new things with their disabled child then the child's development will be hindered. Sometimes despite lots of planning it doesn't work out. That's life. I wonder if people who judge all incidents in public do the same if they see the same child on a school trip. Or is there the assumption that it if it with parents, it must be shit parenting.

Also you can do the same thing dozens of times without incident and then have an occasion when things go wrong that perhaps have nothing to do with where the child is. Ds once started shrieking and hurting himself in a cafe we had been to many times. A few hours later when his eardrum burst we realised what the problem had been. We left after 5 minutes when he would not calm but there is no way we could have anticipated that event happening.

I wouldn't take my son to a fine dining restaurant because, he wouldn't enjoy it and it would upset ,him but that doesn't mean others shouldn't go ,what if a person had ,had a stroke for example ,and their speech was incoherent, and they needed help to eat ,do you think it would be acceptable, to say they couldn't go to a restaurant, as it might upset others?

I do the table in a corner too so there is at least one wall behind us. When I book somewhere I do it over the phone so I can describe what is needed and the vast majority of places are able to make suggestions on where would be the best place to sit.

We don't go to 'kiddy' places to eat because they are usually to stimulating for him and toddlers do his head in. Most of the time he is pretty quiet, we go at less busy times and we don't stay long anyway.

I have increasing awareness that there are people all around us with different challenges through things like MN and that helps me to be more considerate. I’ve learned so much about autism, about buggies for older children, about how slimming can be a sign of distress etc. and I’m so grateful.

we live in a society that consists of individuals, each with their own challenges, but sometimes the fast pace of modern life can make us a bit selfish. Taking a step back, and trying to see things through another persons eyes can only benefit everyone.

a couple of examples

a shop assistant apologised to me, as the previous customer (an elderly lady) had been very chatty. I said it was totally fine, and that she might be lonely, maybe this was the only person she spoke to all day. Above all, It did me no harm to wait a couple of minutes.

waiting for a bus one evening after work, usual crowd of commuters. Mum joined with wee boy, who was showing signs of increasing anxiety and dirty looks were given to her. She looked so uncomfortable, while trying to care for her child. I smiled and said “he must be tired after a long day at school” and she looked so relieved and told me he was autistic. We had a wee chat about how loved buses, especially looking at the different numbers. The atmosphere in the queue changed totally - all the hostility disappeared.

i am not saying I am perfect - far from it. I can be a right bag, but these experiences really made an impact on me. Sometimes standing back and trying to see the bigger picture really has benefits for everyone, including yourself.

My son is exactly the same. Babies crying tips him over the edge. He does much better in quieter places.

Should I just have told my boys that it's okay that they aren't able to see or hear the thing that they've been looking forward to and we've paid for as the child has special needs?

You explain to your child that the other child is enjoying the show and that's how they're expressing their enjoyment because not everyone is able to use words and not everyone experiences the world in the same way.

If its really bothering you then you discreetly speak to a member of staff to see if there is any possibility of moving seats during the interval, even at "sold out" shows there will be some house seats kept empty for reasons such as this (quite often a box) although you're out of luck if they're already in use.

Your last paragraph is despicable, and shows up your prejudice.

"My son is exactly the same. Babies crying tips him over the edge. He does much better in quieter places."

Yes babies crying is a problem here as is space invading toddlers. He can now usually tolerate a few toddlers across the room as long as he can see them and knows that they are staying where they are. He always position himself in a corner seat where he can see the room

My son is an adult and is severely autistic and honestly I’ve never encountered anything but kindness when out even when’s he had a spectacular meltdown in public which thankfully isn’t often. People have often offered to help.

Come on @MNHQ this is completely unacceptable!! I've seen this person troll various other threads recently too

Have you reported them using the 'report' function? That seems to be the best way to do it. That poster had a message deleted yesterday evening, having made a joke at the expense of someone who is suffering a disability, and suicidal. They will hopefully be banned soon.

If you don't try you never know. Sometimes my dc can handle busy situations, sometimes they can't. I will continue to take them to things I feel they may enjoy to aid their development. I always try and call ahead to see what adjustments can be made. As someone undiagnosed but very likely autistic, your post is incredibly offensive and ignorant. I am a shit parent because I'm autistic?! Wow! Why are intellectual or neurological disabilities or differences any different to physical ones? Would you prefer us to be hidden away?

I reported that post as soon as a read it.

@Somethingsnappy yes I've reported them and a couple of others on this thread. Completely unacceptable.

Good. Me too.

No it's not respite. 100% not. The autistic child is included in the booking as this has to be evidenced to the charity. They just don't take him. These are people I know well and I have pointed out they are immoral!

That sounds perfect for everyone 🙂

If you don't try you never know. Sometimes my dc can handle busy situations, sometimes they can't. I will continue to take them to things I feel they may enjoy to aid their development.

This. Should I never take DS anywhere new in case he can't handle it? I thought that as he could handle one small town near us he could probably manage the slightly larger town. Turned out he couldn't, but is fine with another town further away. It can be so random sometimes that there isn't always a way of knowing in advance.