To not explain death of Queen to 4 year old?

[Schooldaysagain]

I've managed to avoid explaining death to my 4 year old so far. We lost FIL during the pandemic and he believes his beloved grandfather moved far away and still sends him presents and emails (which I read out from my phone)
😔

Four year olds couldn't care less. Honestly! It doesn't affect them personally

Wr told our kid. She just said ok and carried on playing

OP just a thought. Surely you have told your child that meat is dead animals, even if you are vegetarian? So he will already know about death. Has he never been out and seen roadkill or a dead bird on the lawn? Have you never taken a shortcut through the churchyard on a walk? Death is all around us.

Children are quite different with what they understand or not. My eldest has grandparents die while she was a toddler and she got it pretty quickly but asked a lot of questions about when other people would die. She’s now 6 and has found the coverage of the queen quite confusing. She couldn’t quite comprehend how there was footage of her alive while the tv was saying she was dead. She’s asked quite a lot of questions about why they haven’t shown her body, where her body is etc. she’s not really upset but is curious.

My 3yo has not noticed at all and it’s gone completely over her head. I’m not going out of my way to talk to her about it but will ask questions and have said the queen has died. her understanding of death isn’t the same as her sister’s at the same age. She for example hasn’t grasped that dinosaurs aren’t coming back and doesn’t get the finalty of it.

It’s this kind of thing that has led to today’s children and young adults being riddled with anxiety…they never learn to deal with unpleasant things, so the first time we can’t shield them from something they can’t cope!

Young children accept death far more readily than you seem to expect.
In my widows group there were many with young children who talked about their deceased parent naturally. Yes it was terribly sad that children had lost a mum or dad but far better they knew the truth and could express their real feelings rather than have some bizarre story that they’d gone away and sent email!

You just tell your son that the Queen was an elderly lady who’d had a very long and happy life. Her life came to an end ( you can say her body wore out if you like) and she has gone to Heaven to be with other people in her family who died long ago. Don’t linger on it, don’t over explain.

I should clarify that the presents and message was just the Christmas immediately after his death.

@Schooldaysagain Oh, come on, you're completely backpedalling. You clearly said in your OP that he still sends him presents and emails. I hope you're seeing the error of your ways and will take advice from this thread.

This is exactly why we have a generation of some children with poor life/coping skills, they are protected from everything by over anxious (usually quite young) parents.

This is sensible.

As for the grandfather thing... oh dear. This is wrong on so many levels.

If you find it impossible to talk about death, OP, there are some good books aimed at young children (one of them is the final "Mog" book, in which Mog dies - there will be loads of others, but my children are now adults and it's a long time ago). Books can often help you talk to children about things that you can't talk about yourself. But please don't let your child think his grandfather is still alive.

I wouldn't mention Heaven unless you actually believe in it. Both of my much loved grandmothers died when my DC were small. I said I was sad because they had died and I would not see them again. I said they died because they were very, very old (bear in mind anyone over the age of about 20 is old to a toddler, though my grandmothers were in their 80s/90s) and their bodies stopped working because they were old and worn out. I said I was sad now, but I would stop being sad. Fortunately having toddlers takes your mind off being sad for too long.

My Dad died when DD1 was 3. Didn't go to the service or graveyard but was at the reception afterwards. She spoke a lot about death after that as she processed it. DS was 4 when FIL died. Catholic funeral so all the DC were at the service and graveyard. I (not catholic) was very unsure about taking such young children to a funeral but it was really good and helped them process FIL's death (FIL was in his 80s so had lived a long and happy life), DD1 was 9 and MIL had her sit in the front row next to her, she felt very grown up being the one holding her granny's hand.

Death is part of the cycle of life and the death of an old person who has lived a full life is not a challenging concept for a child.

Reminds me of a work colleague who told their 7 year old son that the dog had gone to sleep and was sleep elsewhere! Totally ridiculous.

How is this child ever going to process death? And agree with PP, you sand presents and emails plural, that you read to him. That's so confusing for him! When are you going to stop and tell him he's no longer going to get presents and emails.

I really really really hope this isn’t true, because you are actively harming your 4yo by not telling them the truth about your FIL in an age appropriate way.

Quite.

I've received complaints recently after teaching a science lesson about living, dead and never alive.

Apparently I was out of order for telling year 2 children that meat came from an animal that was once alive...

I would assume the school will already have talked to pupils about the Queen’s death.

Apparently, the death of The Queen had been explained to her great-grandson, Prince Louis. He is 4 years old.
A child needs the people around them to be honest, and also to know that death is absolutely not something to be scared of.

There’s a lovely book called Lifetimes, which I used to talk about death with my little one when she was a similar age.

She was 1.5 when her baby brother died during pregnancy and at the time we gently explained that there was no baby in mummy’s tummy anymore and since then we’ve taken her to butterfly releases, grown flowers in his memory and we do something to mark his birthday.

My daughter is almost 8 now and is quite matter of fact about it all. She understands that death is a part of life and will ask about how he died and where he is. As she’s grown older the questions and conversations have become more detailed and I just answer honestly, in a child-friendly way. You can tell the truth without revealing everything or sharing upsetting details.

I don’t think pretending his grandfather is far away is very healthy as it leaves room for wondering why he’s not coming back if he’s alive, or why he’s left people behind. I say that with total compassion having lost my dad as a child and known he was dead and would therefore never come back. It must’ve been the hardest thing in the world for my mum to tell us he was gone but it was totally the best thing for us.

Is this a chance to explain the queen’s death and perhaps talk about his grandad since he’s old enough to understand a bit better now?

Death is one of the only certainties of life. You are doing your child no favours shielding him from it. My 5 year old knows about death etc.... it should not be a taboo subject.

YABVU

You could die today.
Any of his friends and family could die today.

We want to keep bad stuff from them but the truth is bad things do happen.

Tell him the truth that people die, if you act like it’s a completely normal thing (which it is) then he will be able to cope so much better when it happens to someone he loves.

I actually got my DD some fish for this exact reason.
When one died I would explain that things can die when they’re old or poorly and that they get to go to heaven and have a lovely time etc.
So we can feel sad because we miss them. But we don’t need to feel sad for them as they are in a happy place.

Wow what a lot of religious people - do you really believe in heaven or have you just swapped one lie for another?

Just tell him that the queen got very, very old and she died. That means she's not alive any more and so no one can see her anymore - but they can remember her in lots of lovely ways.

You told him that his grandfather moved far away and you read out emails from him. Then when everyone says this is terrible you change your story to not pretending he was alive and only getting presents the first year - sounds even more confusing for the poor child. Tell him the above about the queen and then tell him that he's now old enough to know that his GF died too and then talk about some nice things you can do to remember him. He died when he was 2, I doubt he'll even remember him so he is unlikely to be devastated by this news, he might just need reassurance that you're not going to die any time soon.

OMG not Bambi - that's a brutal way to teach a child about death. Typical bloody Disney, didn't have the foggiest.

I don’t think your 4 year really cares and I really wouldn’t make a big deal of it.

Not only is it bad to not tell your DS, it was downright cruel to your husband to made him pretend his dad was still alive.

I made this mistake when my DCat died. She’d moved to my DM’s house when very poorly, as she was very stressed around my DD1 (then aged two and a half). A few days later, I had to make the very sad decision to have her PTS, on the vet’s advice.

I let my DD think DCat was still at her Granny’s house and then avoided talking about what had happened. But obviously, we couldn’t go on pretending that she was still there, but I still couldn’t bring myself to tell her the truth.

I was then really surprised, and very relieved, when DD1 asked straight out whether DCat was dead. I guess she must have heard us talking about it. It certainly taught me an important lesson about being honest with her.

Your DS might already have heard you talking about his Grandad to other people. Or he’ll hear the truth from another family member, who assumes that he already knows.

Or if he hasn’t yet, he will do at some point, probably sooner rather than later. He really should hear the truth from you directly.

I wouldn’t worry too much about the Queen’s death, he’s going to find out anyway whether you tell him or not. Especially as we now have a King who has taken over from her! And he won’t think too much about that.

Wow what a lot of religious people - do you really believe in heaven or have you just swapped one lie for another?

A bit if both.

I don’t know what happens after death but I’m not religious.

However, explaining to a child how your body decomposes and once your dead, you’re dead and you can never speak to your parents again, is much harder for a child to process.

Even as an adult I have to tell myself that if my child or even my dog dies, that I will see them again or that they’d be watching over me.

My friends baby was recently killed by his dad. His brother only knows that he died and doesn’t know the ins and outs because it’s hard enough to deal with his brother dying.
They often visit the grave and talk to him and leave presents etc.

Many cultures believe in the afterlife and I would never judge someone who finds a way to cope with death.

Wowza 😆

Pinkflipflop85 That's dreadful. Why on earth shouldn't children know that meat is dead animals. Mine have always been vegetarian but knew all about meat. I remember being in a busy cafe when DS was four or five. He looked at the plate of the man on the next table and very politely asked "Is that dead cow or dead pig?" Not one of his finest moments!

OP, someone has suggested Mog as a good book. Badger's Parting Gifts is another one. I think it's still in print, we bought it when our DC were small.