To not accept this holiday as I can’t afford the tip?

[SillyFood]

I recently inherited some money and I used most of it to pay a large chunk of the mortgage but put £10k of it aside and have booked a proper holiday of a lifetime to Thailand in October for myself and dc. My aunt, who I inherited the money from had always made me promise I’d spend a chunk of it on a big treat for myself that I’d never normally do so that’s exactly what I’ve done.

DH and I are divorced but I’m still pretty close to his family. His SIL works in the travel industry and has very kindly been helping me organise this holiday. She’s booked us various excursions that I couldn’t work out how to do and got us some amazing discounts on hotels which I’m truly grateful for. When I first starting talking to her about it one of the things she suggested was a sailing charter. They looked absolutely amazing but, although I could just about stretch to the cost of the charter itself (about £4k 😱) she said that tips of 10-20% are pretty much expected so I ruled it out and booked other stuff instead. The trip is now pretty much completely booked, all excursions paid for or deposit down and it’s cost £8,200 so I’ve got £1800 left to spend when we’re out there.

Yesterday ex SIL phoned me up to say that ex MIL was going to be calling that afternoon and that she suspected she had some news that I wouldn’t like. Ex MIL calls me and tells me excitedly that she’s booked the sailing charter for us for the holiday as she really wanted to spoil her GC’s, she didn’t want to wait until she was dead for us to have a treat and that she knew we really wanted to do it but couldn’t afford it. I told her that we had everything booked now, that it was in a different part of the country to where we’ll be on the date she’s booked it and I didn’t know if I’d be able to get everything refunded/ deposit back. She brushed this aside and said she’d send me the link, that she’d paid for it and once I saw it then she knew that I’d love it.

The link is to a charter on a bloody super yacht. Looking at the prices I think she’s spent an absolute minimum of £10k on the 3 day charter. The original one we were looking at was sailing on a traditional boat, going to nature reserves and snorkelling. This is suggesting casinos, nightlife, possible firework displays for an extra £4k, a proper chef when my kids only eat beige food. Ex PIL are not rich. I do not know why they have done this. Even if I cancel the 3 nights accommodation that I’ve booked and rearrange the whole thing so that I’m in the place I need to be for this bloody boat I still need to cut back spending so I’ve got an extra £2-3k for tips. I am so grateful that she’s thinking of us but it is neither what I want to do or what I can afford.

I’ve tried speaking to her and she just isn’t listening. She’s adamant in doing it because I’m uncomfortable accepting such a large gift (which is a part of it tbh). SIL is going to try and speak to her but I don’t know if she’ll manage to get through to her. I don’t think I’m being ungrateful but I would genuinely rather she donate the money to charity than spend it on something that makes this holiday that I’m so looking forward to into something I don’t want.

Could you tell her a bit of a white lie that your original bookings you can’t change/get a refund for and you would financially lose out by changing your plans?

@KosherDill SIL might have mentioned that I’d been thinking about doing a charter but she clearly didn’t tell MIL when, where or what kind of charter or she would’ve got it slightly closer to what I’d wanted and been discussing with SIL. SIL definitely isn’t getting any commission from the bits she’s booked for me, she works in the supply chain side of international hotels so she’s just been using her discount that she gets when she stays at these places, she’s not a travel agent as such.

@Seemslikeaniceday this is another thing I’m worried about. There is very little mention of prices on the website, it just says prices starting at around £10k 😱. There’s no way MIL would think to ask what is actually included.

Why don't you tell her you'd rather the money went towards the children's future (ISA's or something), or for something in the home that would benefit the family or towards a holiday next year the children choose?

You need to explain this to MIL, she will have thought at that price it was fully inclusive.

I have no idea how much all the elements are likely to be. My gut reaction is at least another £5k-£10k but that could be a significant under estimation.

You really need to contact the company and ask for a breakdown of all potential costs. Once you have this you can show your MIL and explain you can’t afford the extra.

If you're not in the right part of the country at the right time, how are you supposed to do it easily anyway?!
You can't do so you'll have to tell her.
She's bloody daft for booking it first without checking.

you’ll have to keep refusing and tell her you’ve already organised your holiday and you are NOT doing this boat trip. If she chooses not to cancel it, that would be stupid of her. I wouldn’t be changing my plans

Not quite the point, I know, but this is why I hate the whole business of expected 'tips'. People in the UK will tell you that you are 'tight' if you don't tip, as the waiting staff are counting on the money. Then, here, we hear in other much less wealthy countries that staff will be working for nothing unless you pay their wages, which are mendaciously referred to as 'tips' by the holiday operators, to artificially keep the stated prices lower.

How is this even legal? I'll bet the owners/operators don't go short in their profits - much less (technically) allow you to avoid paying them, by calling them 'tips'. How disgusting and exploitative to make the customer feel guilty if they don't make up for them not paying their employees/contractors fairly (if at all).

Am I the only person who wishes that the whole culture of tips would just disappear worldwide and be replaced by somebody telling you very clearly how much money they require you to pay them in exchange for the offered goods or services? I'm not 'tight' or grumbling about paying more in any way - just would like to know the actual price for something I might want to buy, before I decide, without any coyness, swerving, guilt-tripping, emotional blackmail or anything else when somebody gives you a price significantly lower than they're actually charging. How did we ever reach the place where somebody tells you that something costs £X, you give them £X for it and then they start complaining and bad-mouthing you for paying what they stated?!

Oh Christ what a nightmare.

I think PP are getting diverted into justifying to MIL that you can't afford it - tips, fuel, extras on top - when the real issue is that you don't want to go. The dates are not convenient, it's not a trip you would have chosen and you have organised your holiday around different excursions.

I hope you can enlist SIL into helping MIL get her money back. Good luck OP.

Does she actually know about your inheritance and how much you've spent on your chosen holiday? How can she possibly think that she's being magnanimous at all by paying for something that you've already bought - and can only use at the same time?

Even if she does genuinely think that she's being generous, it's extremely controlling and dismissive to commit somebody to doing anything, much less an entire holiday, without caring to check beforehand if they can make the dates.

This! Just tell her you won't be doing it. Why is this so hard?

It is absolutely ALWAYS compulsory to tip on a yacht charter! If it really is a super yacht then it likely won’t be Thai crew or ship anyway it will be just spending a charter season there for bookings. So the customs of Thailand won’t apply anyway!

It the point, but your trip sounds wonderful. Koh Samui is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been. I hope you can enjoy it.

Am I the only one who has binge watched Below Deck?

Tip but don't worry too much about the percentages. We've just been on safari and the "suggested" tip was $50 per person per day for each member of staff . We tipped a fraction of that, decent tip to our guide (but still nowhere near $200 a day) and a lump sum to be divided amongst the camp staff. Everyone was perfectly happy.

Right, SIL has just messaged me “I’ve spoken to Lynn and I think (hope!) I’ve finally got through to her that she needs to cancel the charter. She’s utterly adamant that she’s going to pay for something for your holiday though but I couldn’t persuade her to give you cash/vouchers. I’ve told her that absolutely everything is already booked but that flight upgrades might be an option. Sorry if I’ve overstepped the mark I was put on the spot and worried she was about to book something else completely mad. I haven’t given her your flight details or anything like that but I thought I’d better give you a heads up as you will be receiving one of her War & Peace style emails”

I think flight upgrades would actually be amazing! I really hope she can sort that instead and manage to cancel the charter.

I’d this a wind up ? You can do luxury in Thailand plus amazing excursions for reasonable prices especially in Koh Samui which is really touristy and commercial. Is your SIL on commission ? And who spends £10k on a charter in October which is still rainy season, so it should be a lot cheaper.

way to go SIL 👏- defo go for the flight upgrades.

Have a fantastic trip.

Your SIL does sound brilliant - flight upgrades is a sensible suggestions and would be a real treat. Hopefully it will all be sorted soon. BTW both my parents and ILs have ended up with more money than expected in retirement, and I think are struggling with treating themselves.

Seriously? It's hard because she doesn't want to hurt her ex MIL's feelings and sour their relationship. Whilst people typing anonymously on Mumsnet tend to advise bluntness, it's doubtful that many of them would actually follow their own advice in real life where there are emotions and relationships at stake.

Seriously? It's hard because she doesn't want to hurt her ex MIL's feelings and sour their relationship. Whilst people typing anonymously on Mumsnet tend to advise bluntness, it's doubtful that many of them would actually follow their own advice in real life where there are emotions and relationships at stake.

Well said. There are times when the nuclear option is the only way (such as the fantastic recent definitely-not-invited CF turning up with her suitcase thread), but this is a completely different scenario entirely, involving a basically loving (even if annoying and obstinate) family member, determined to spend thousands of pounds on her loved ones for them to have an amazing experience!

Yes, a tip is expected, but the crew members on super-yachts (incl those you've seen on Below Deck) are all paid a decent salary as well as those tips. They're not just working for tips alone.

That's a fantastic resolution! Flight upgrades are such a good suggestion from SIL.

@Nelia5 why would it be a wind up? Have a look at costs of yacht charters from Koh Samui, they’re easily £10k. I know you can do luxury and amazing excursions, that’s what I’m doing. I’m travelling alone with my 2 dc so I wanted to have it all booked before I go. I’ve done similar (although much more basic trips) when I was child free and I was happy to book stuff out there then as it didn’t matter if it was a bit crap/ guide didn’t turn up/ accommodation was dodgy as it was only myself I was worried about. Stuff like the 3 day trek in the hills, staying in villages on the way I want to ensure it’s safe for kids etc.