To not accept this holiday as I can’t afford the tip?

[SillyFood]

I recently inherited some money and I used most of it to pay a large chunk of the mortgage but put £10k of it aside and have booked a proper holiday of a lifetime to Thailand in October for myself and dc. My aunt, who I inherited the money from had always made me promise I’d spend a chunk of it on a big treat for myself that I’d never normally do so that’s exactly what I’ve done.

DH and I are divorced but I’m still pretty close to his family. His SIL works in the travel industry and has very kindly been helping me organise this holiday. She’s booked us various excursions that I couldn’t work out how to do and got us some amazing discounts on hotels which I’m truly grateful for. When I first starting talking to her about it one of the things she suggested was a sailing charter. They looked absolutely amazing but, although I could just about stretch to the cost of the charter itself (about £4k 😱) she said that tips of 10-20% are pretty much expected so I ruled it out and booked other stuff instead. The trip is now pretty much completely booked, all excursions paid for or deposit down and it’s cost £8,200 so I’ve got £1800 left to spend when we’re out there.

Yesterday ex SIL phoned me up to say that ex MIL was going to be calling that afternoon and that she suspected she had some news that I wouldn’t like. Ex MIL calls me and tells me excitedly that she’s booked the sailing charter for us for the holiday as she really wanted to spoil her GC’s, she didn’t want to wait until she was dead for us to have a treat and that she knew we really wanted to do it but couldn’t afford it. I told her that we had everything booked now, that it was in a different part of the country to where we’ll be on the date she’s booked it and I didn’t know if I’d be able to get everything refunded/ deposit back. She brushed this aside and said she’d send me the link, that she’d paid for it and once I saw it then she knew that I’d love it.

The link is to a charter on a bloody super yacht. Looking at the prices I think she’s spent an absolute minimum of £10k on the 3 day charter. The original one we were looking at was sailing on a traditional boat, going to nature reserves and snorkelling. This is suggesting casinos, nightlife, possible firework displays for an extra £4k, a proper chef when my kids only eat beige food. Ex PIL are not rich. I do not know why they have done this. Even if I cancel the 3 nights accommodation that I’ve booked and rearrange the whole thing so that I’m in the place I need to be for this bloody boat I still need to cut back spending so I’ve got an extra £2-3k for tips. I am so grateful that she’s thinking of us but it is neither what I want to do or what I can afford.

I’ve tried speaking to her and she just isn’t listening. She’s adamant in doing it because I’m uncomfortable accepting such a large gift (which is a part of it tbh). SIL is going to try and speak to her but I don’t know if she’ll manage to get through to her. I don’t think I’m being ungrateful but I would genuinely rather she donate the money to charity than spend it on something that makes this holiday that I’m so looking forward to into something I don’t want.

Can she get a refund and book you the charter you originally wanted?

I wouldn't go. What is the point of going all the way to Thailand to spend 3 days of it on a yacht?

Get her to refund it and instead charter one in Italy or something next year

I'd want to be immersed in the culture, food, walking around the cities and towns, relaxing by the beaches - not separated from normal people with only wealthy boat dullards around you

You can't just not tip. They'd be working for nothing. You need to factor it in when you book

MIL sounds lovely - not batshit as has been suggested.

I'd tell her that the trip is finalised & her suggestion won't fit in with your itinerary.

And perhaps you can all have a lovely holiday together another time.

For those saying don’t tip - this might not be an option. I’ve not been to Thailand so it might not be the same but I went on a carefully saved up for trip of a lifetime on safari in Tanzania for my 50th and when the agent was booking it all for me she carefully pointed out that the safari guide would expect a tip and gave me a guide of how much I needed to budget for it. She explained that it isn’t like the UK, they basically get paid barely anything and are working pretty much only for the tip.

All the paperwork I was sent throughout booking and pre-travel re-iterated the need to tip and on arrival the first thing the guide did was sit us down to explain that he was working for the tip and how much it needed to be otherwise he would be making a loss after paying for fuel etc...

It’s possible it’s similar in Thailand.

She’s absolutely crazy, but that’s not your problem! Definitely don’t go, hopefully she can get her money back (either from the company, I’d imagine there is a cooling off period, if not maybe insurance?) but if she can’t then that’s not your problem. Don’t let it spoil the holiday.

It may have come from a good place but your MIL is being pretty pushy. Nip this in the bud before it spirals out of control and can't be refunded. That's such a lot of money to spend on something you don't want. Blimey, put it in a savings account for the kids, grandma.

I had a weird experience where I booked a 'trip of a lifetime' excursion on Hawaii and check about 100 times that there were no additional charges. We went, did the tip and I was horrified to hear them asking for tips and the other couple gave them a 500dollar tip! I just took the captain to one side and explained my predicament and that I really couldn't afford the tip etc and he was mortified and said it was fine and I shouldn't feel any pressure etc etc. He then emailed me later and told me how much he'd enjoyed our company etc. I would speak to the boat staff directly and do not feel obliged to leave a huge tip.

Is there any way with your sister in laws connections she can cancel this trip and put the money towards a different trip?

I’m really hoping SIL can sort it out. Otherwise I’ll get ex DH to try and do it although we’re not on the best of terms with each other so I’d rather not.

Tipping is definitely expected. Although it’s not so much expected in Thailand as a whole from what I can see on the sailing charters, and even more on the super yacht charters the crew get hardly any wages at all. I also suspect that there are a lot of other extras that will need paying for and the whole thing could end up costing thousands. I know it was a lovely gesture but the worry of it will put a real spoiler on the holiday. But I also know how lucky I am to still get on well with my ILs despite a messy divorce.

Tell the barmy cow to do one OP, you don’t need people dictating to you.

Where are you going in Thailand that’s costing £8,200? It’s such a shame you couldn’t have planned it yourself as I’m sure you would’ve enjoyed it. Booking flights, choosing hotels, & getting a driver’s all part of the excitement of a holiday. I did a multi destination some years ago & I’ll be doing another in a few months. You’ll love it there, such lovely people.

@Shaaameless we’re going all over the place - Bangkok for a few days, up to Chiang Mai to do some trekking in the hills, visiting villages and waterfalls, then to Koh Samui and staying on a few other little places round there before heading back to Bangkok again. I’m so looking forward to it, dc and I are all doing bits on Duolingo and I’m even managing to convince them to eat some basic Thai food that they’ve been helping me out cooking.

MIL has booked the boat from Koh Samui at the time when we’re up near Chiang Mai so I’d have to rebook almost everything.

It's a rather strange thing for your ex-mil to do. Is she prone to expansive, extravagant, rather insensitive/impulsive gestures? Is she ok? I'm so sorry, I can't think of anything worse than a super yacht with casinos etc. I would have liked the more modest, traditional boat. Tell her you appreciate her generosity but can't go, and hope she's only paid a deposit.

The £8,200 is including all our flights, trains and everything. We’re not staying at super high end places, just places that look nice and likely to have food my fussy kids will eat.

There is no way you can accept this. You HAVE to do the holiday that YOU want to do. MIl needs to get her money back, and. if she wants to and if you want it, can book the cruise that YOU would want.

@RoobarbandCustud she did offer to pay for dc to go to private school as she’d helped pay for her other GC’s schooling. We have perfectly good state schools round here though and, again, even if she paid the fees it would be tight for me to keep on top of all the extras. PIL live very frugally - they have lists of the prices of all nearby petrol stations, go to about 3 different supermarkets to get the cheapest shopping etc. I think over the last few years they’ve realised just how much money they’ve got saved, can’t bring themselves to spend it on themselves so want to give it to their GC.

Thanks but no thanks , holiday booked and paid for .

Hope she can get a refund on her uncalled for booking

A tip for yacht staff is most definitely expected. The TV series Below Deck shows that people work for the summer on charters for the tips.

It sounds a nightmare OP, I hope your SIL can get through to MIL and they manage to get a refund.

It'll definitely be expected to you to tip on a sailing charter; I've both been and worked on some. The PP who said that fuel may be an additional cost is also correct, although that should have been made clear upfront if that was the case.

I'd second telling MIL that you can't make this work. If needs be, let her think that you've tried, and suggest that if she really wants to book something when she's got her money back, you'll send her some ideas that would work with your existing plans.

You don't have to tip this way in Thailand.

Give something, but it certainly doesn't need to be in the thousands or anywhere near.
Your PIL can tip what they see as appropriate and so can you. Don't let the tip thing put you off

I think you're just going to have to tell her that you're not in the right part of the country to go on the trip. Explain that the holiday is booked and paid for and you really hope she can get her money back as it can't be used. Ignore any mention of you rearranging or the issue around tipping, keep repeating that you're not able to use it so she needs to cancel or go on the trip herself.

Well I think it was super kind of her, and nice she wants to experience her grandchildren telling her all about it whilst she’s alive, not spending her inheritance when she’s gone. However if it doesn’t meet with your plans (or costs) then she needs to cancel it. I do hope that’s an option. I would also think there’s probably other hidden costs too, and I’d be very uncomfortable going on something that’s normally for people with money to burn. Nice experience but agree with a PP that I’d rather be immersed in the culture of the country I’m visiting not in the middle of the ocean on some super yacht. Enjoy your holiday

Wow.
I wouldn't go. It doesn't sound in the style of your plans for one thing, the tipping IS an issue (you can't stiff the workers when a tip is an expected part of their compensation) and you simply can't rebook everything.

If she can't get a refund can some other family member use the charter? Or can your SIL broker it to someone else?

You don't owe your ex-MIL anything let alone this sort of upheaval.

But how did she know about the sailing charter in the first place? Who was discussing that with her, to the point she would have information about the name of the firm, the port of call for the charter, etc.? Surely she didn't just hop online and book a yachting trip in Thailand out of the blue. Was your SIL giving her detailed info about YOUR holiday? That's out of line.

Does the SIL get a commission on the charter booking? That thought really raises my eyebrows.

Tell her you hope she has a wonderful trip- and that you are sure she will find some great people to treat to this trip but unfortunately you aren’t free on those dates and that’s that.

This is completely correct.
I'm a Nanny so whilst I'd never have the opportunity to be the main user of such an experience, I've been on several super yacht charters and similar things.
£10k will be the base price.
Everything else will be billable on top - not just tips.

I'd hate it, there may well be mild to moderate pressure (depending on the crew) to book extras each day.