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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how you can do a speech at a funeral?

103 replies

cheathimsilly · 10/09/2022 13:07

Seems so hard.

It would mean a great deal to me if I could do it for someone I love; but I fear I'd be a blubbering mess! Unable to pull myself together

How did Charles do it yesterday? Admittedly not a funeral speech but he spoke to the nation etc and was being recorded, all whilst his beloved mama just
Passed away

How do people stop themselves from crying? He was completely composed

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 10/09/2022 13:10

Not everyone can.
For some people the adrenalin gets you through, or they feel sort of numb.
For Charles he has had a lifetime of practising composure.

smelters · 10/09/2022 13:11

A lifetime of inbuilt training, an almost inbuilt sense of duty. He even said as much to Liz Truss, that it was the moment he'd been dreading but you have to try and keep everything going.
Personally I'd be a mess, my voice goes all weird when I'm trying not to cry.

Original poster
cheathimsilly · 10/09/2022 13:12

Thank you

I'm not a Charles fan! But I must not have imagined the tears in his eyes despite years of duty and prep for difficult speeches? I just wanted to give him a massive cuddle

OP posts:
Subeccoo · 10/09/2022 13:12

I cried and cried listening to him yesterday.
I'm not a fan of the royals at all, but he was talking about his mum and it took me back to losing my mum and the grief and empathy just poured from me, so unexpectedly.
I wouldn't have been able to say a word at my mums funeral.

UndertheCedartree · 10/09/2022 13:13

I spoke at my grandfather's funeral. It was an honour to be able to do it and I'd psyched myself up for it. My voice did break on my last sentence and a year cake to my eye.

UndertheCedartree · 10/09/2022 13:13

a tear came to my eye

Fallulah · 10/09/2022 13:16

You just find that you can.
I wrote my dad’s eulogy but one of his friends offered to read it because we were worried I would be too upset to do so. She actually got upset herself and kind of messed it up. I read a poem and I was fine so I wish I had done the bigger speech. Can’t change it now though.

People react differently - I was relatively fine, there was so much to organise. But months later when someone at work told me they were getting married and I realised my own dad would never walk me down the aisle, and I then went to Aldi and didn’t have a pound coin for the trolley, I was suddenly a mess.

BaronessBomburst · 10/09/2022 13:20

I spoke at my beloved grandma's funeral.
I just switched off until I'd done it. It was like being at work; putting on a suitable persona as part of your job. I wanted to tell people things about her. It was important to stay composed to honour her and make her proud and communicate what I wanted to. That moment was about her, not me, and that gave me the strength. The last thing I could do for her.
On other occasions I've been a sobbing mess in the street.

JenniferBarkley · 10/09/2022 13:22

Lots of us will have done it. You just park the emotion for five minutes and get on with the job at hand - something we all do all the time to a much lesser extent. And if the emotion overcomes for a moment, it's a sympathetic audience and not a big deal.

LosingTheWill2022 · 10/09/2022 13:26

Like many I have spoken at both my parents' funerals and somehow I found it possible to focus on the words. It was coming to the end of what I'd written that the emotion came back to the surface and my voice cracked over the last few words.
But I can completely understand those who choose not speak or find it overwhelming.

Original poster
cheathimsilly · 10/09/2022 13:29

Thank you

I tried speaking at my daughter's funeral but I couldn't do it. I became a mess and couldn't stop the tears. I still feel really cross that I messed it up

OP posts:
Newgirls · 10/09/2022 13:29

I’ve done it. It was my final gift to my beloved grandfather. I knew he was willing me on and I felt honoured to do it.

Brigante9 · 10/09/2022 13:30

My brother did my dad’s eulogy while I sobbed. They weren’t close, I was daddy’s girl.

My neighbour did his mum’s eulogy last week and was brilliant til the last line when bless him, he cracked and cried.

I couldn’t do it, I’m far too emotional.

rwalker · 10/09/2022 13:32

I spoke at my dads had a wobble 1/2 way through but ok

tinselvestsparklepants · 10/09/2022 13:32

Goodness me, you can't 'mess up' speaking at your child's funeral. I would be amazed that anyone could even begin to try it. Now I want to give YOU a massive cuddle.

autumnleaves17 · 10/09/2022 13:33

I spoke at my Dads funeral. I had a small gin and tonic beforehand to steady my nerves! It was 11am in the morning!!!!!
I just focused on the words I had typed and looked to the back of the church. It was hard as I could hear and feel peoples emotions and at one point had to take a deep breath, stop and focus after the first sentence but after that I was ok.
I really wanted to do it for my Dad to honour him. And I knew he would be super happy that I did it.

lazarusb · 10/09/2022 13:33

I acted as celebrant at my parent's funeral earlier this year. My brother gave a eulogy and my eldest son gave a reading. We really wanted to keep it very personal and family focused. I looked on it as trying to deliver a 'professional' service and practised it many times before the day itself. I'm really pleased I did it.

CelebrateAndDream · 10/09/2022 13:37

I'm a celebrant...I do weddings and funerals. It's hard to regulate your emotions, but as someone else has said, you sort of 'park' them for a few minutes and remove yourself from the situation (if that makes sense?).

I have cried twice when delivering a funeral service (both children)...but quickly breathed deeply, gathered myself and carried on. I also dig my nails into my palms, and breathe through my mouth deeply, if I feel my chest filling up, which works too.

lurchermummy · 10/09/2022 13:37

I did at my Dads because literally no one else could or would (only child and Mum was a mess)

CelebrateAndDream · 10/09/2022 13:42

lazarusb · 10/09/2022 13:33

I acted as celebrant at my parent's funeral earlier this year. My brother gave a eulogy and my eldest son gave a reading. We really wanted to keep it very personal and family focused. I looked on it as trying to deliver a 'professional' service and practised it many times before the day itself. I'm really pleased I did it.

Are you a celebrant? I only ask, as my own mum is very sick and we are at end of life stage care for her. I am a celebrant and I've been asked if I'm going to officiate at her funeral...I'm not sure I could though 😢 I'm good at removing myself from my feelings when I officiate for my clients, but I'm not convinced I could for my dear mum...even though I know my service would be better than anyone else's could be.

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2022 13:44

When my dad did a speech at my mums funeral he was amazing.

My nephew read a poem out my mum had written and my dad said that what kept him going was the thought that if a 10yo could do it then so could he.

My auntie on the other hand couldn't get through it without crying.

And I was such a mess I couldn't have even stood up to walk to the front.

I thought King Charles looked broken and exhausted and was so proud of him getting through it. I know it's duty first always but they are human and I don't think they get time for that. We are in national mourning - yet they - her immediate family - aren't getting private time to mourn.

Hbh17 · 10/09/2022 13:45

Easy. It gives you something to think about & concentrate on. You look ahead and "talk to" the people sitting right at the back. If possible, you memorise what you want to say so that you are not reading with your head down in a piece of paper. I have done it, and I knew that if I viewed it as a project, like a work task, it would be fine.

Some years previously, a friend of mine was widowed young and left with two small children, in very difficult and sudden circumstances. She gave a fantastic eulogy for her husband in church, without a tear or a wobble. She also said that she was determined not to cry until the second part of the funeral at the crematorium. And she didn't. So I have known ever since then that it is perfectly possible to do what you have to do, if you set your mind to it.

Blendiful · 10/09/2022 13:45

For my grandad funeral I read a poem. I was a shaky mess and not sure everyone could hear me that well!

But my mum and grandma felt they couldn't do it. I felt like 'someone' should say something, personally rather than just leaving it all to the registrar. So I did. That was my personal view and family were very grateful but didn't expect it.

It's a very personal thing about how you feel about it I think. And I also think it's ok to be a blubbering mess while doing it x

itsgettingweird · 10/09/2022 13:46

tinselvestsparklepants · 10/09/2022 13:32

Goodness me, you can't 'mess up' speaking at your child's funeral. I would be amazed that anyone could even begin to try it. Now I want to give YOU a massive cuddle.

Absolutely agree.

Your daughter would be proud of you for being her mum. Being upset is part of death.

JuneOsborne · 10/09/2022 13:53

I think some of it depends on whether you are a natural at public speaking or have been trained in it/do it everyday for a job.

I am trained in public speaking and do lots of it, so at the funerals where I have delivered eulogies, I had all of those skills to fall back on. My mum's was the hardest, but I had tried to make parts of it a bit fun and funny, like she was, and that also helped.

I'd also cried a river before hand.

I also think it's not something you can predict. You might be fine, you might not be. And I don't think anyone thinks harshly of anyone that isn't fine when delivering a eulogy for a loved one.

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