To worry we gave away 100k of my inheritance!

[howdidIgetthere]

My DH thinks I am, but if I'm right then it's in his interest to say that!

Basically, we were in a pickle buying a house last year. We were consolidating houses with my DF to purchase a big house, and hoped that myself of my DF could be on the mortgage or deeds as a safety due to my DF helping with the deposit.

To cut a long story and identifying details this wasn't possible. Neither of us could be on a plausible mortgage, and the lenders wouldn't like us on the deeds either. But we needed a house. So as I was already engaged, we agreed between us that my DF would 'gift' 100k of inheritance to my DH so that he could solely purchase the house, but we would get married beforehand to safeguard my stake.

So we eloped without telling anyone else, my DF gifted the money and the house was purchased in my DH's name only. We had a proper wedding a few weeks after and all is well. As far as I know, because the house was purchased after marriage, I have a stake in the house should we divorce, and can get some of that value back in lieu of my inheritance/not be left with no money and nowhere to live.

However, since the purchase the house has had extensive renovations and its value is increasing significantly. I have noticed that my DH keeps referring to people that the purchase date was back in the summer, months before our marriage. I know for a fact from the deeds etc that the closing date was not until a month after we were married, when the funds were transferred. Before the marriage, the mortgage may just have been accepted, but zero money had been exchanged.

When I ask him about this he says iabu for questioning him, that yes he bought it before we got married ie he's taking the acceptance of an offer on the house as when he bought it. This is obviously very worrying for me, as if he bought it before we were married or some other loophole then in the case of divorce I have lost most of my inheritance and have no stake on the house!!!

I don't know why he is saying this as at the time he agreed it was the best option so that all parties were happy and protected. I have resisted a marital rights notice on the deeds, but otherwise I am still not on the deeds or the mortgage (I don't have a high enough income). So who is BU? Have we been misled and given away my inheritance, or is my DH wrong and for some reason trying to say something that's incorrect?

My parents gave me £2000 to put towards a house deposit and solicitor wouldn't accept it without them signing to say it was a gift

You can
there's no definition of "major gift' for IHT purposes

Yes I believe that to be true also. Let’s hope he lives more than 7 years.

OP I work in mortgage lending and I do think you are worrying unnecessarily but at the same time you haven’t understood the way the mortgage was most likely set up.

from my understanding the lender wouldn’t accept you or father on deeds or mortgage due to income and credit history/age reasons. So you gifted your husband a deposit and he started the application before marriage, but you were married before completion. The fact you were married before completion means the lender had to capture your spousal interest isn’t he property to protect themselves ( to ensure they could repossess the property without you standing in their way) so you probs sign a deed of consent and postponement meaning you agree that the lender takes precedence over you. But this is still an official acknowledgment of the marriage and you living in the house. However it does not mean you are on the deeds. Lenders would rarely consent to a spouse or any party being named as a title owner of the deeds without also capturing their liability to the mortgage by making them a full party to the loan. So I don’t think you are a title owner.

that being said even if none of this had happened and you weren’t mentioned during the set up of the mortgage or registered anywhere, you still have rights as the property is now the marital home so in a divorce your interest would still be considered when coming to a financial settlement.

if you want to now get added to the deeds it is unlikely to be an easy online form. You will likely have to jointly apply to the lender and they may then ask you to also join on the mortgage involving affordability checks and credit checks ie back to to square one.

However it would be worth registering a marital interest with land registry to prevent you husband sneaking off and selling the house before a divorce agreement could be sorted. And making your position in the house known to the lender might make them cautious about giving him further borrowing without capturing your interest via a form of consent.

To stay with a man who verbally abuses you by calling you names is foolish when you have no kids.

To do so when you have kids is irresponsible.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant. Bringing another kid into this makes you even more vulnerable.

And from what you said, that's exactly where he wants you. Barefoot and pregnant. Reliant and vulnerable.

spoke I wondered the same!

Woah, this has all escalated quickly.

Its really not all that uncommon for people, even clever and well educated ones, to get confused about legal issues in high stress situations when the pressure is on and make poor decisions, or put temp arrangements in place on trust which morph into long term problems.

The OP sounds perfectly capable, more capable than most I would say as she is aware of the issue and is researching it, rather than relying on assurances. People often ignore this kind of thing precisely because they are worried that people will call them stupid and say they deserve to be taken to the cleaners. This just reinforces the problem.

This story doesn't add up.

The OP has the capacity to manage a first, a masters and a potential phd but has 2 young kids by her early twenties and has seemingly moved them in with a strange man she, clearly, barely knows anything about after a very short period of time.

The dad is smart enough to have accumulated a spare £100k but stupid enough to give it away without any proper legal advice and to someone he doesn't even like apparently.

The husband is a high flyer but was living in cramped rented accommodation and needed a hand out to support his family.

And he had full custody of his young kids with no contact from their mother even though he regularly leaves the country for work.

🧐🧐🧐

No limit on the joint account or the credit cards, which are hopefully in joint names, not just hers. He has no respect for her and uses her to meet his needs. I'm so sad for the OP. Any men who are like this are not keepers. The red flags were waving and she refused to acknowledge them. Now she has been backed into a corner and is blindfolded. What did he do with his 2 children before he was with her? How old are his children? To be honest OP seems like a glorified housekeeper who has been manipulated into this marriage. What is she gaining from this, that supports her hopes and dreams for the future, it seems very one sided. If OP was my daughter, I would be seriously worried for her future.

"howdidIgetthere · Today 15:57
The marriage is not always a happy one, there are arguments (including last night) I get very upset with the names he calls me and how he treats me. But I have to be careful so that I'm not left in an awful situation

Your updates show this man is a domestic abuser, subjecting you to emotional and verbal abuse with the name calling. Even thinking about having a child with this man is madness. It also makes me wonder what happened to his ex.
He is gaslighting you and your gut is sounding alarm bells. The whole rush into this situation was a mess (with a few red herrings thrown in, no reason you couldn’t have been named on legal documents before marriage - it obviously wasn’t important to him), but with independent professional advice you can get yourself out of it. Don’t be afraid to do that, as over time this man will erode all your confidence. You and your DC (and DF) deserve better.

@greenhousegal no not at all. Everything you said Is basically right in the first listed points. it is my DF who lives with us, his DM is not even in this country although no, I am not asian whatsoever I am white British.

From what I can gather from reading all your posts:

1. You should check with a solicitor what your name being on the title deeds means - do you own half the house? Bring all the documents you have to the appointment. Can DH sell it without your consent? And should you be on the mortgage for your protection or not? Can the solicitor draw up a declaration of trust to make sure if the house is sold, 100k goes back to you plus 50% of the profit (eg If the house was 600k and you put down 100k and DH borrowed 500k and you sell for 800k, you should get your 100k back plus half of the 200k profit (minus solicitors and estate agents fees). Will your DH sign this even if he’s financially supporting you and would it stand legally in the event of a divorce? I would see a Family Lawyer - someone who deals with divorce and knows what you need to be protected. Conveyancing solicitors are there to help people buy houses - this step is already done.
2. Personally I don’t think being on the mortgage is necessary, helpful or relevant, but ask the solicitor to make sure. I think if your situation was making you two’s overall financial picture look worse, it’s believable that the mortgage broker wanted you off the application. Rather than everyone thinking DH is scamming you, I think it’s more likely that the mortgage broker was dishonest/just trying to get the mortgage in the quickest/easiest way to get his commission.
3. Personally I don’t think there is any evidence that your DH is definitely scamming you. The situation does sound a bit weird though. You definitely don’t seem to feel safe/secure in your relationship and marriage plus you aren’t financially independent. I would advise you to do your absolute best to make sure you are as financially protected as possible so you can have that peace of mind whatever happens with your marriage.
4. It sounds like you were definitely married before you completed the house purchase so I’m not sure you need to panic about that. I’m not sure what motivation DH has for not telling the truth to others-but maybe he doesn’t understand what he’s talking about?
5. I would also advise you to read up on what the process is for buying a house and what the involved documents are as well as what rights being married gives you. I think you’re getting confused about what the terms are and what they mean. This is understandable if you’ve never bought a house before, but you are an adult so it would behoove you to make sure you understand all of this more clearly.
6. I think marrying you and supporting you financially is in reality potentially disadvantaging DH financially if you were to divorce, as he might have to pay alimony for a while, especially if you will be TTC so I don’t think he’s necessarily trying to scam you. I would definitely advise you as a woman to think about either doing what you can to feel more equal in this relationship or look at whether getting yourself in a position where you’re more financially independent is a good idea. If you’re TTC make sure you really trust him first as this could affect your future earning power.
7. Maybe the two of you should go to couples counseling as it doesn’t sound like you really trust him and there may be lots of miscommunication happening between you.

Good luck

.... do you have to register the marriage? Gibraltar is a British territory and I've had no issue changing passport, driving license etc. This is no kind of reverse whatsoever unfortunately for me. Thank you to those who have given kind support

@Stravaig to address criticism of my writing, I have been typing these posts extremely rushed as my DH is obviously around. I'm a very quick typer although admittedly I've not been 'editing' my posts so there may be typos and missed out punctuation.. it's not because I'm incapable!

Bloody hell, that’s a lot going on for you!

Sounds like he might be manipulating you by keeping information from you and keeping you a bit powerless financially. Also sounds like he’s trying to undermine your confidence by calling you names to keep you from standing up for yourself and your needs and security. Threatening divorce also seems like a control measure since he knows what a challenge money and living situation would be for you right now.

If you have a child with him it’s worth considering that you will be tied to him no matter what happens, and he’s happy to call you names, you don’t know what he’ll say to your child about you. Also it’s not fair to bring a child into a relationship like this.

I know a lot of people are saying that you should just divorce him right away, but it seems like you want to get yourself in a secure enough position which makes sense to me. Like everyone is saying, if you can get good legal advice that’s ideal. There might even be some places that will help you for free if you have a google. But take your time. Now that you’re onto the fact he might be trying to control you hopefully you’ll be able to make some more informed decisions and set better boundaries around him and money until you decide what to do.

at the end of the day, if you end up losing 50% of your inheritance or even 100%, money is only money. You sound like a clever and driven person who will be able to support yourself and your children financially even if you go through some hard times to get there.

Now it’s just a case of learning to support yourself emotionally so you can get yourself into a secure position.

It sounds like you could probably use to talk to a professional about this relationship and your situation. There’s lots of online counselling out there that can help and you could try and do it while he’s away if you don’t want him to know. Maybe your father could help you pay for it if it would be noticed on your credit card bills and you’re short on cash.

I’m sending you the most love and strength!

You don’t know what you don’t know, but you can learn from this, learn about what makes good partnerships and make a great life for yourself and your kids. Xx

And it should go without saying that it wouldn’t make any sense for you or your DCs’ well-being for you and DH to have a baby together if you’re not in a strong, solid, trusting relationship.

Why on earth did your father not gift you the money. Your now husband could have solely been on the mortgage but the percentage that 100k paid for should have been ring-fenced in your name.

I never said I was early twenties. PP that are a little unhinged seem to be embellishing my own posts with false details to hang me on.

Thank you @Arcadiusdonk I really appreciate that.

I was specifically asked about his name calling during an argument. He doesn't call me those things every day, but I'm not justifying his behaviour the whole argument was because he was being deliberately mean and controlling and wouldn't let me sleep.

I do hear everything that kind posters are saying and I'm taking it on board.

He calls you names and won't let you sleep?

OP you have children of your own. You can't think it right to keep them into the orbit of this man?

And please, please don't get pregnant.

As I said upthread, if you had no children it would be foolish to be with him.

But because you do have children, it's irresponsible to be with him.

You need solid legal advice as soon as possible and to take some decisive action once you have it.